What causes a pwBPD cut off all contact with us?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

From my experience, my uBPDbf gives me the silent treatment, because he associates me with  negative feelings.  He cuts me off when he cannot deal with his own feelings.  His defense mechanism is to impulsively escape and repress everything. 

Yes, you and the memories of the relationship become a trigger. Sad.

The strange thing is that mine will reach out, and then shut down if I respond.

i broke 11 days of NC to respond to my ex, who spent the past 1.5 weeks contacting me in various ways. less than one minute after i finally responded, i was subjected to another rage, then he immediately shut down.

i always think it couldn't possibly hurt any worse, but somehow it always does.

[pieceofme]

From my experience, my uBPDbf gives me the silent treatment, because he associates me with  negative feelings.  He cuts me off when he cannot deal with his own feelings.  His defense mechanism is to impulsively escape and repress everything. 

Yes, you and the memories of the relationship become a trigger. Sad.

The strange thing is that mine will reach out, and then shut down if I respond.

i broke 11 days of NC to respond to my ex, who spent the past 1.5 weeks contacting me in various ways. less than one minute after i finally responded, i was subjected to another rage, then he immediately shut down.

i always think it couldn't possibly hurt any worse, but somehow it always does.

[willtimeheal]

They dissociate to protect themselves. It's a defensive coping strategy.  Memories (pleasant or unpleasant) are "erased" and history is rewritten. It's survival.  That friend is "all bad." That partner is "all bad." That family member is "all bad." There's no middle ground.

Interacting with someone they've painted black, may challenge their negative beliefs about that person. I imagine that's pretty scary for them.  They avoid contact to sustain negative beliefs, thus keeping themselves one step ahead of experiencing shame.

This I don't get?  Her family members treat her like crap. They put her down dump on her and her brother verbally and emotionally abuses her. Yet she always chooses them. She left me for them. She can't leave them. Is it because hey are all mentally ill?  They all drink together and live in chaos together. Why doesn't she  ever paint them black? 

[fred6]

The shame could come from something that we don't even know about. Mine was cheating on me and she didn't think that I knew what was going on. But I did know what was going on. In the beginning I just asked her if she was losing interest in our relationship. At that point she broke up with me. I gave her an opening to split from me. I gave her a full month to admit to what she was doing. I'm fairly certain that if I had not given her that talk and an opening to end the relationship, that she would have continued to cheat behind my back. So in my case, she had taken the other relationship to the point of no return. When I told her that I've known the whole time and I had proof, that is when she went absolutely bonkers and totally treated me like garbage. This is what I feel caused the shame.

Don't put it past these people to cheat. Sex with new supply seems to be their way of detaching from us, because they got to close to us. They want to be close to someone, but they can't. When they have sex with replacement, they get their need for closeness fulfilled for the time being.

[Waifed]

Trying to figure out the answer to this can drive you crazy. The answer is different in every situation but we will never really know the reason.  It's hard to accept but we are much better off when they stop contacting us.

[blissful_camper]

They dissociate to protect themselves. It's a defensive coping strategy.  Memories (pleasant or unpleasant) are "erased" and history is rewritten. It's survival.  That friend is "all bad." That partner is "all bad." That family member is "all bad." There's no middle ground.

Interacting with someone they've painted black, may challenge their negative beliefs about that person. I imagine that's pretty scary for them.  They avoid contact to sustain negative beliefs, thus keeping themselves one step ahead of experiencing shame.

This I don't get?  Her family members treat her like crap. They put her down dump on her and her brother verbally and emotionally abuses her. Yet she always chooses them. She left me for them. She can't leave them. Is it because hey are all mentally ill?  They all drink together and live in chaos together. Why doesn't she  ever paint them black? 

Yes, that's what's familiar to her. Abuse, and chaos.  Dysfunctional is the norm.

[myself]

Why doesn't she  ever paint them black? 

Maybe she does. Inside she might be stewing, but not expressing.

She keeps it hidden? Feels outnumbered? Taught to take it?

Maybe she feels less disordered in that situation?

It's where she got many of her patterns in the first place.

Us outsiders, we're not really part of the deeper dysfunctions.

There's gravity and then at some point the orbits just don't line up.

[rockinne]

They realize that they are no longer able to manipulate and control us, so there is no need for us in their lives.  They don't have us to project their own self loathing onto.  They need us to be dependent on their emotions.  They need us to be there so they can manipulate us into believing we are the only ones who can make them happy and to rescue them from the misery they feel.  Once they realize that we no longer allow ourselves to be manipulated and controlled by them, they reject us.  They are unable to control themselves and their emotions, so the only way they can feel in control is by  emotional blackmail through which they know that they have control of us,  They manipulate us into thinking we are in control, and they are helpless and needy.  But the fact is, we have allowed ourselves to be manipulated by their helplessness and neediness in such a way that we surrender all control to them.  They only fool us into thinking we are in control,   They control your emotions, your thoughts, your actions, and your happiness.  You are not allowed to have positive emotions, positive thoughts, and there is no way they will allow you to be happy.  Once we have had enough of this manipulation and control, we see we are liberated from their hellish emotional snare, we finally realize that we are able to control our own lives and make our own decisions, have friendships and relationships with others they forced us away from with their emotional blackmail and manipulation.  We see that we are not responsible for their happiness.  Nor are we to blame for their misery as they would have us believe.  They are not at peace because we are no longer in their lives to cause the chaos that we constantly endured with them.  Though it is true, that the chaos may be gone in our absence, the chaos was only their because we were the one they can project their own self loathing and shame.  They ensured the chaos flourished by their lies and distortions, cheating and deceit, criticism  and shaming, accusations and blame.  This way we are manipulated into feeling guilt and shame. That we must do what they tell us we must because we are the only ones who are able to make them happy.  To rescue them.  How can we make someone happy who won't allow us to be happy? How can we ever rescue someone from themselves?

[antonio1213]

Mine has never reached out to me so far. Possibly cause I never gave her a chance, but I was going between NC is good and bad for keeping things good between us.

Now I know initially it was very bad. Contact wasn't helping me either because I was so hurt. After all this pain I never ever said anything negative about her or to her. Always wanted to keep a nice tone, but eventually she just told me she couldn't handle it.

Shellbent the way you are playing your cards with Nc is exactly how I am at the moment. I am full NC and playing it safe. I am not talking bad about her to anyone and I haven't even talked to her at all since the b/u. Hopefully I can keep this up though it has only been a month so far. She has reached out to me a couple of times (not many) but I never responded.

It is probably taking a bigger toll on me than her.

[Deeno02]

Mine has never reached out to me so far. Possibly cause I never gave her a chance, but I was going between NC is good and bad for keeping things good between us.

Now I know initially it was very bad. Contact wasn't helping me either because I was so hurt. After all this pain I never ever said anything negative about her or to her. Always wanted to keep a nice tone, but eventually she just told me she couldn't handle it.

Shellbent the way you are playing your cards with Nc is exactly how I am at the moment. I am full NC and playing it safe. I am not talking bad about her to anyone and I haven't even talked to her at all since the b/u. Hopefully I can keep this up though it has only been a month so far. She has reached out to me a couple of times (not many) but I never responded.

It is probably taking a bigger toll on me than her.

i hear ya. Mine has not reached out either. Probably cuz shes in honeymoon phase. Her eldest son talks with me, cuz hes friends with my son and my ex coaches their vb team, but i dont ask about her, just the kids. He did ask tonight if I returned the engagement ring... .i told him it wasnt his problem. Ive kept to myself, no contact with her at all, and your right, its taking a hell of a toll on me, but its day by day. Only on second month so far.

[fred6]

They dissociate to protect themselves. It's a defensive coping strategy.  Memories (pleasant or unpleasant) are "erased" and history is rewritten. It's survival.  That friend is "all bad." That partner is "all bad." That family member is "all bad." There's no middle ground.

Interacting with someone they've painted black, may challenge their negative beliefs about that person. I imagine that's pretty scary for them.  They avoid contact to sustain negative beliefs, thus keeping themselves one step ahead of experiencing shame.

This seems logical. She knows she cheated, lied, and treated me like garbage. A couple of times when she was acting nutty towards me, I told her that no matter what she did, that I would still love her and be there for her. Each time she looked like she was about to cry, but then sucked it back up and started raging again. She knows what she did and I was still being very nice, calm, and caring towards her and she couldn't handle it. That's exactly why my ex will never contact me again. Not to mention the fact that if we ever talked about things, she wouldn't be able to explain all of her lies that don't add up.

[Infern0]

I'm not sure because it's never happened with me.

I think if you had worked them out and started to call them out on all their bad behaviour they might scarper but other than that I don't know.

Mine can't leave me alone for more than a couple of days