Triggered. Could use support.

[Caredverymuch]

I hesitated to post the following here today bc I should "know better."  But in remembering that we all walk the walk, this is the only place I can come for support of the illogical nature of the BPD beast.

Additionally, I really want full detachment. Processing. Healing. And to not suppress a thing I do not understand. Or struggle with.  Or somehow I will stay forever stuck.

I won't go into my entire story as many here may know, you can read on my original post. Essentially, I was in a r/s with someone who was my friend before bcoming a romantic partner.  He was high functioning in his career yet waif BPD and so vulnerable. Most would say they think he is an amazing man. Giving. Gentle. Kind. Soft. Like a teddy bear. Sensitive. I thought all of that too. Fully.

It's been almost 15 mos since our r/s ended. He abandoned me, like many here have experienced. Just got up and left.

I was married to a NPD. I did my work there. I was on my way out of that r/s which has since ended.  I do not regret that.  He had recently left his NPD spouse.

He is BPD. I am an empath.  I bet a lot of you are nodding your head and saying "oh my."

I loved this man a great, great deal.  He truly was my best friend. He truly opened me wide up. We laughed and bonded and grew so deep together over the course of our good friendship and then our romantic r/s,  lasting well over 1 1/2 yrs. 

We talked so openly about being married to pNPD. We didn't leave a stone untouched as we discussed our upbringing. Our wishes. Our desires. Our challenges in our marriages. Our desire to continue to try to be good to all around us as we fell deeply love. And literally so much else. We did not deny reality. Or what was happening. Why we were drawn to one another. Etc.

He required a great deal of emotional support from me and otherwise. I supplied it gladly. In love. In genuine caring.  Like so many here did.

I endured the splitting and immense hurt and being ignored and being devalued and being lied to as he ebbed and flowed from his r/s with me back and forth with his ex.  I remained non judgmental. In my book, you should never be controlled of forced into a r/s. I maintained my gentle kind loving presence while he tried to 'figure himself out".  BPD style.  I had no idea he was BPD during the r/s btw. Why is was SO confusing to me and so painful. Still, I wanted what was best for him.  He clung like mad to me.

He split me continually after idealization. In waif ways. Back and forth, push pull, continually. Pedestal, emotional clinging, sobs, then drops on my head.  SO hardly.  Almost every other day toward the later part of our r/s. I barely made it. The anguish. Then he would come back, in great despair. Truly heartbreaking despair and beg me not to leave him or move on. I tried so many times.

Been NC for 6 mos. Some baitings which i will no longer respond to. They get further apart.

He went back to his NPD after he split me.  He was always afraid of her.  Literally, a jump how high reaction to her mere texting. He would NEVER do anything to hurt or upset her. Nor should he.

But me, I got the full ride. He did the entire roller coaster with me. I got all he would never do to her to "upset her".  I got the ride of my life when we were together.

He continually told me he had no idea why he felt he had to go back to the NPD r/s. That he did not have what he needed and always wanted there. Yet, he did go back. He gave me up to go back.

His choice.  And i understand the full BPD/NPD dynamic so it makes some sense.

Yesterday, I logged on FB and the VERY first thing I saw was his photo on a friends thread. It triggered me. I felt sad most of the day.  He appears much more stable if you will now. Not happy. But not triggered or off balance like he was when with me.

I passed him today.  Another trigger.

Why does it still hurt my heart? Why does he appear all better? He doesn't think of me. I know this. He  erased me and baits for supply check on spaced occasion.

I know this.

Mutual friends describe his demeanor as Detached Protector. No longer gentle and kind. Just there. But no off the wall like he was with me, crying, depressed, dysregulated, etc.   I understand that.

Why do I care? Why does seeing him make tears flow down my face without any thought?

He can be all better now. With is NPD spouse. I am happy for that. Truly. I wish no ill will. How can he be all better? Why?

Why is it that he can/could hurt me so deeply but he just complies, as he always had, there. And has moved on as it we never, ever happened? He just did a 360 while I remain feeling much.

Bad few days.  I appreciate the family or support here and your valued input. 

I so want to not care.

[Caredverymuch]

.

[Caredverymuch]

[/quote]

[Red Sky]

 

Please don't beat yourself up over how you feel. I think it's very natural to feel a bit funny after you see someone you were once close to. You have left now, and whilst I can imagine it feels crummy to see him in time it will fade until it doesn't mean that much to you.

You don't know what he's really feeling from a few facebook posts and so on. The disorder almost always wins, not us or them.

I hope that with time you feel better than ever.

[caprice]

The hardest part for me to remember is this... .

HE IS NOT ALL BETTER.

He may look all better, he may pretend to be happy and sure there may be times that he IS happy.  But he has low moments just like everyone else.  Just like you do.

These people are master pretenders.  They have been living their life as a lie.  My ex was NPD.  So when he was happy everything was great... .when something set him off, he was a moody jerk.

A picture does not tell the complete story.  You say he never set his wife off and triggered her yet you got the full range of emotions.  I would've said the same about my ex.  His wife never got his mood swings.  But you know what?  I bet she did.  Nobody and I mean NOBODY knows what goes on behind closed doors.

You are hurting and you are in pain... .but at least you are on the path to leading an AUTHENTIC life.  That's what I have to remind myself every darn day.  I miss my ex so much.  I crave him like a drug.  But I want honesty.  I want empathy.  I want someone who is true to themselves and others.

You don't need unhealthiness in your life.  You need healing.  He is NOT all better.  He may look better... but he's not.  YOU on the other hand are on the path to healing and even though he triggered you... .you probably have come a lot further then you thought you would.  I know my ex contacted me a month ago and I flipped out.  What should I do?  How should I respond?  In the end I shut him down and it wasn't nearly as big a deal as I would've thought.  In the meantime though I still think of him every day... .but when he contacted me, I didn't care as much as I thought I would.  I guess I'm still clinging to the image I had of us.  The illusion I thought we had.  That is the hardest part to let go of.  Yes your feelings were very real and I imagine his were too... .at the time.  But he doesn't have the capacity to be whole.  At least not in this lifetime.  He has his own journey to make and you have yours.

Hang in there.  You ARE getting stronger... .you just don't know it yet!

[Aussie JJ]

CVM,

I am going through some of the same at the moment, taking a lot of resolve to step back from it.  I have that empathy/white knight thing going on as well.  It's a learnt behaviour just like BPD is really, I learnt it from my father/mother's relationship dynamic.  My mother has some fairly strong NPD traits with a bit of BPD as well thrown in, much the same where love = control.  I learnt for m how my father is passive and accepts her behaviours, he comply s.  I did much the same thing.  

I have spoken with my P about this, basically, what is wrong with me? Why do I find this acceptable.  I learnt these passive/submissive actions from my father, I have low boundary's myself, very weak, easy to be overridden.  It happened in my BPD relationship, she bulldozed them and made me passive and submissive and I didn't understand it because it was what was done.  You were supportive and all of that stuff your explaining.  

My situation at the moment, for 12 months I have tried to sit down and sort it out with mediation/exchange of e-mails or over a coffee for our sons sake.  It has all failed.  I told her I have a solicitor, he sent her a letter.  She replied with maybe we can sit down and h ave a coffee, or via an exchange of e-mails.  

For me, that would be awesome to do separation in a reasonable way.  Logical, thoughtful etc.  I just know it wont work, her behaviours to date haven't indicated it will work so why try now.  I have had to step back from my own thought processes around this, basically identifying that I always think, "I CAN FIX THIS".  Very bob the builder like (not a schema but should be recognised as one).  I cant fix this, I have to let the solicitor work out what's best, put those boundary's in place and be happy with that, go on live my own life.  

At the moment, I am happy with my decisions so far, very simple of me with some of my actions however I have always gone, "What is in my sons best interests" and acted on that.  I now have a solicitor that was a practising psychologist before becoming a solicitor and has been an independent children's lawyer for over a decade.  Paying through the roof however he has basically predicted what will happen already this early I the process and I have faith he will do what is correct for our son.  That is what matters for me.  Sounds corny however she will fight tooth and nail, I am not up for that, let her yell, scream, cry, manipulate and distort facts.  

At the end of the day as I told her I was willing to spend the money to provide that professional help for her instead of fighting over this stuff so we could have a reasonable separation.  Instead, I am spending the money to have time with my son and all of those issues will come out.  When she deny's yelling at me any everything else, here is the recording of me saying she is a good person and I will pay for the help and her yelling that she got all her problems form me and calling me a psychopath.  

Forgive those who cant forgive themselves.  I know she never will at the end of this, I know I cant 'fix her' or 'help her'.  Only she can do that.  What I can do, forgive her and not be an arsehole about it.  I am doing my best every day to do this, and that makes me happy at the moment.  

For mine, great friend horrible partner, I only wish I could help her process her pain however recognise that it isn't ever going to happen.  I'll forgive her for this, something I know she will never be able to do for her self.  The saddest thing I have observed is that lack of empathy extends to themselves, they have no ability to forgive themselves, hence they run, hide, deny.  

Quite sad at the end of the day.  

Why does it hurt, because your probably much like many other people on here, wanting to fix it, wanting to save them and recognising the pain that they cant see and that in itself causes you pain as you are an empath, you can put yourself in their shoes and wont deny that same pain that they deny.  

Now... .wanting to not care, please don't ever do that, by not caring you are denying something that is the very essence of your being.  Caring is what makes us better people in life, forgiving is what has helped me the most.  I am aiming for forgiveness at the moment, I am still allowed to care however I forgive her for her actions as I know she is denying a pain so immense she just cant process it.  

I am good at rambling, I hope it all makes sense.  


AJJ.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Cared-

I'm sorry you got triggered; it is a good way to check in on how your detachment is going, which you may not have needed, but there is an opportunity to see if you need to do anything differently moving forward, to make it a little bit of a plus.

You seem well versed on the disorder and grounded as to what's going on with you, so I don't have much to add, except to say 6 months isn't much after a year and a half relationship; there's no timeframe and there doesn't appear to be a way to speed it up, but it took me as long as the relationship lasted to feel free, just sayin'.  The thing that worked best was to consciously shift the focus from her to me and from the past to the future, painfully slowly at times, and backwards sometimes, but the diligence eventually paid off.  I want you to not care too.

[pieceofme]

Why do I care? Why does seeing him make tears flow down my face without any thought?

He can be all better now. With is NPD spouse. I am happy for that. Truly. I wish no ill will. How can he be all better? Why?

Why is it that he can/could hurt me so deeply but he just complies, as he always had, there. And has moved on as it we never, ever happened? He just did a 360 while I remain feeling much.

after our breakup, my ex moved less than a 1/2 mile from my home. last week, i passed him twice in the neighborhood. both times the tears flowed down my face.

we hadn't spoken in 11 days. today i responded to his attempt at contact and was met with hatred and disgust, perhaps the worst things he's ever told me.

i know he isn't better, but is wearing a mask to try to prove to me he is. yet he is going out of his way to hurt, even destroy me. like he is getting off on it.

like you, i wish i couldn't care. i'm afraid that even at his worst, i will always love him.

[myself]

Caredverymuch, your name here says it pretty well. You care! You loved him. Felt close with him. The future was going to be the two of you together. You want him to be doing better, and you want yourself to be doing better. We weren't on the same level as them while in the r/s, and aren't now that we're out. So comparisons bring uncertainty and imbalance to the surface, more than answer very many questions. Pictures, songs, memories can all be triggers. Detaching takes its own path. Take some deep breaths, cry, journal, whatever works to help you feel more calm. Remind yourself of the good things about yourself. There's no way he's really much better now because he went backwards. But you can be, by continuing to move forward.  

[fred6]

I struggle with the same issues. As a matter of fact, my toilet got stopped up this morning and I left "MY" plunger at my exBPDs house. I mean, I saw it there when packing my things and thought to myself, "I don't need that, how often do I use a plunger?" Anyhow, I've been locked up in my apartment all weekend just being my depressed self and figure that I needed to get out anyhow. So I went to Walmart to get a plunger and was gonna pick up some tacos on the way home.

Low and behold, when I walked into Walmart I passed the first isle on the right where the pharmacy is located. I glanced down the isle and there talking on her cell phone, I thought it was my exBPD in the same purple Ralph Lauren polo t shirt that I bought her on a trip to the coast. Same body size and hair do. She looked right at me, but she was at a distance and I was walking kind of fast just passing the isle, I couldn't tell if it was her or not. My heart kind of skipped a beat and jumped for a second. Even though I kept walking, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to circle back and take a second look. But I kept on my way to the hardware section. Didn't see her again even though I had to pass that section going back to the check out lane.

The funny part is that when I was parking in the parking lot. The thought crossed my mind, "what if I see her here with new supply?". I kind of laughed it off when I thought that. But she's the type that will walk through Walmart for a couple hours touching everything she sees.

I know that I'm going to run into her from time to time. How should that be handled? Especially if she's with new supply. Anyhow Caredverymuch, I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one this thing happens to. Kind of odd that we both had chance encounters with our ex's this weekend. Although I'm not 100% sure that it was her, but I wouldn't doubt it. I guess just keep walking like I did, ... .

[Caredverymuch]

The hardest part for me to remember is this... .

HE IS NOT ALL BETTER.

You are hurting and you are in pain... .but at least you are on the path to leading an AUTHENTIC life.  That's what I have to remind myself every darn day.  I miss my ex so much.  I crave him like a drug.  But I want honesty.  I want empathy.  I want someone who is true to themselves and others.

Caprice, thank you so much . This really touched my heart and you know, I do not want him or that r/s back, that chaos.  I still get very ambushed by the realization he erased me.  This very person that invaded me. Penetrated me to the depth of my soul.  Erased me.  I supported him through SO much. Including vigil, gaurding his very life after he ODed on one occasion I tried to end the r/s.

I am just another stranger he passes by. We shared every ounce of our being together. Surreal yet. One thing even in understanding the d/o, that will NEVER make sense to my heart.  No goodbye. No closure. Just left. And carried on.

Thank you for your words of wisdom Caprice. 

[Caredverymuch]

CVM,

I am going through some of the same at the moment, taking a lot of resolve to step back from it.  I have that empathy/white knight thing going on as well.  It's a learnt behaviour just like BPD is really, I learnt it from my father/mother's relationship dynamic.  My mother has some fairly strong NPD traits with a bit of BPD as well thrown in, much the same where love = control.  I learnt for m how my father is passive and accepts her behaviours, he complys.  I did much the same thing.  

 

AJJ, I am sending you a    I know you are struggling too and you have a child in the mix.  I appreciate all you share here with so many to keep us strong.  Your pain is not in vain. Thank you for all you give here.

Keep posting yourself so we can support you as you go through much.  As you  mentioned above, it must feel very difficult to stand true to your boundaries given what you knew growing up.  Stay strong and as you said to me, never stop caring.  That's really a beautiful gift.

I do see my expBPD pain in the photos. I can read him too. I see in it Detached Protector mode too. I no longer feel ANY need to white knight. It's his. I gave the d/o back and I did all in love during the r/s. Not one thing was unloving for me.

Still, very hurtful to know that I still have love in my heart for someone I cannot be with in a healthy way, while he has detached to the level of stranger.  Did a 360 like I was a game.

I guess the gift is that I know love. And real love... .never fails.

[fred6]

One thing even in understanding the d/o, that will NEVER make sense to my heart.  No goodbye. No closure. Just left. And carried on.

This is the worst part of the whole ordeal. No closure, just moved on without any real communication. Just lies, cruel treatment, and new supply. So horrible... .

[fromheeltoheal]

One thing even in understanding the d/o, that will NEVER make sense to my heart.  No goodbye. No closure. Just left. And carried on.

Yes, very painful and unfair.  The upside, if anyone's in the mood to hear it, is we get to figure out how to give ourselves closure on the relationship, which takes some work, but the best kind, and it ends up being more powerful that way in the end.  And part of it is accepting that our exes have mental illnesses, their own living hell, and they will never get closure, for any of their past relationships, at least as we define closure; their version is to literally change the facts to fit the feelings, as disordered people do.  Ours is better, much more cognitive and holistic.  Take care of you!

[Caredverymuch]

One thing even in understanding the d/o, that will NEVER make sense to my heart.  No goodbye. No closure. Just left. And carried on.

Yes, very painful and unfair.  The upside, if anyone's in the mood to hear it, is we get to figure out how to give ourselves closure on the relationship, which takes some work, but the best kind, and it ends up being more powerful that way in the end.  And part of it is accepting that our exes have mental illnesses, their own living hell, and they will never get closure, for any of their past relationships, at least as we define closure; their version is to literally change the facts to fit the feelings, as disordered people do.  Ours is better, much more cognitive and holistic.  Take care of you!

Thank you fred and fromheeltoheal 

It is indeed very painful to be erased. This was one thing I concentrated on in T with EMDR.  My t asked me, and where else have you felt this way?

No where.  Truly. 

It's like the insult upon injury, right?  The things they do to rope us in SO deep even when we use logic and resist and try to stay self protected and gain a little healthy space.  It just makes them work harder to pull us in deeper. Double time.

My ex invaded EVERY occasion I put healthy space. My children's celebrations. Dinners out with my friends. Work related occasions where I would be out with other men. Really, any time I was not fully there for him. CONSTANT texting. Constant   "I'm so afraid of losing you. I need you. Please say you are not giving your heart to another.  I can't ever be without you. I need to know you are okay. Please know how much your love means to me. Please be sure to tell your friends how much I love you. I can't wait for our day and our family to be one."

I fed that man. I took care of him when no one else would. I dried his tears. Literally.  I talked him down so many times when he was triggered. Petrified and so triggered with abandonment. I supported him and never judged or added any degree of pressure. I was a calm loving presence to him. Always.  I listened to him endlessly.

He roped me in so deep, over and over again. 

Then, mission accomplished.  Erased.

I know I am over simplifying the facts of the d/o, but realistically, that is exactly how it feels to those of us here.  Like being kicked in the face. Thumb nosed.  Used.  Discarded. A ride by.  He's back to good after all that.

Imagine if we did that to them during the r/s?

[fromheeltoheal]

He's back to good after all that.

 

No he's not, he's back to the way he's always been, unless of course he entered long term, specialized therapy.  Please remember you know that.

Please be sure to tell your friends how much I love you.

Borderline personality disorder is about the need to feel good, by using another human being; it's about need, not love, regardless of the illusion that was created.  Sounds very cold, but it may be helpful to liken it to someone who's dying of a terminal illness and in pain; if they were to snap at nurses because the morphine isn't working, you'd forgive them a little bit, or at least understand.  It's hard to see our exes that way when we're the recipient of the crap, but it is true.  Take care of you!

[Aussie JJ]

Very true about the need to feel good.  By latching onto someone else's feelings when confident they feel good, they deny their own pain.  They live off someone's else's confidence. 

For me, its  easier to forgive than to stay angry.  Having that insight to say, I wont be angry and blame them is a powerful thing.  It has made a huge difference to me being in low contact and making a choice to forgive.  Its bloody painful however every time I get angry I ask myself, what is it achieving, how is this constructive for me at that moment.  What is this anger doing to my mental health was the original question and that's evolved now to how its effecting me at that moment in time. 

Most powerful thing that we have is the ability to heal, detach, forgive whatever it is we learn from it. 

[Caredverymuch]

He's back to good after all that. 

No he's not, he's back to the way he's always been, unless of course he entered long term, specialized therapy.  Please remember you know that.

Fromheeltoheal,

Thank you.  Thank you for giving me the hard truth reminder. I needed to hear this and I do know this.  The physical presence trips up the wiser mind.

This is very much another example of why NC is imperative for FULL detachment.

Your support and everyone's here truly is beyond appreciated.  We snap one another back in course everytime.  Beyond grateful 

[Caredverymuch]

One thing even in understanding the d/o, that will NEVER make sense to my heart.  No goodbye. No closure. Just left. And carried on.

This is the worst part of the whole ordeal. No closure, just moved on without any real communication. Just lies, cruel treatment, and new supply. So horrible... .

Yes. It is. But I am also going to begin looking at this as a gift.  Bc I got off the roller coaster when he did this.  And that allowed me to begin to heal.  And I have found much more value here on this side of my life, despite that cruel shameful ordeal.

When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. 

[Caredverymuch]

Most powerful thing that we have is the ability to heal, detach, forgive whatever it is we learn from it. 

What I have learned is that the caregiver, the rescuer, the white knight. Is the false self.  BPDs will always be attracted and find comfort in being in the one down position. So they bond with caregivers. White knights.  Or oppositely, those that are indifferent to their manipulations and have a stronger sense of ego, such as NPDs.

When we are rescuers, we ALWAYS bcome the victim.   Our false self is that mask we wear saying we are not worth the love and value we deserve unless we over do.  Over give.  Save. Rescue.   The inner child in us got used to that behavior in r/s. Why it feels so natural.

We most certainly are worth being loved and valued without the need to rescue. Caring is appropriate when its mutual and not compensatory. The BPD and the caregiver eventually run out if gas bc the caregiver will not ever be valued by the BPD for the true worth.  When they try to remove the false self/ caregiver mask. Covering up their inner child. And the BPD cannot hold up their own mirroring/ mask. Then the fantasy erodes.

[Aussie JJ]

What I have learned is that the caregiver, the rescuer, the white knight. Is the false self.  BPDs will always be attracted and find comfort in being in the one down position. So they bond with caregivers. White knights.  Or oppositely, those that are indifferent to their manipulations and have a stronger sense of ego, such as NPDs.

When we are rescuers, we ALWAYS bcome the victim.   Our false self is that mask we wear saying we are not worth the love and value we deserve unless we over do.  Over give.  Save. Rescue.   The inner child in us got used to that behavior in r/s. Why it feels so natural.

That is soo true, sort of seeing that myself, I have a track history of always 'giving' and not 'taking' in all situations in life.  Not saying that it isnt healthy to give however it is the polar opposite of BPD where it is all MEMEMEMEME.  Both extremes are not healthy.  Figuring out so much about all of this and my own thought patterns, I spent so long trying to learn about BPD so I could fix and save my now 100% exGF.  I never looked at my own motives behind it all. 

Very much so a false mask. 

[Deeno02]

She always told me i showed my love through gifts of service. Always helping. I think she resented that. Never let me help her in her daily life unless there was no other choice.

[Caredverymuch]

What I have learned is that the caregiver, the rescuer, the white knight. Is the false self.  BPDs will always be attracted and find comfort in being in the one down position. So they bond with caregivers. White knights.  Or oppositely, those that are indifferent to their manipulations and have a stronger sense of ego, such as NPDs.

When we are rescuers, we ALWAYS bcome the victim.   Our false self is that mask we wear saying we are not worth the love and value we deserve unless we over do.  Over give.  Save. Rescue.   The inner child in us got used to that behavior in r/s. Why it feels so natural.

That is soo true, sort of seeing that myself, I have a track history of always 'giving' and not 'taking' in all situations in life.  Not saying that it isnt healthy to give however it is the polar opposite of BPD where it is all MEMEMEMEME.  Both extremes are not healthy.  Figuring out so much about all of this and my own thought patterns, I spent so long trying to learn about BPD so I could fix and save my now 100% exGF.  I never looked at my own motives behind it all. 

Very much so a false mask. 

 

AJJ your post is, as always, spot on. Being an empath is a wonderful virtue, as long as we remember that caring first begins with ourselves.  Its truly a paradox in a BPD r/s bc , it is all about their needs. Not love.  And the moment you stop responding to their never ending one sided need, they split.  Leaving more introspection aimed at trying to figure out what just happened to us by over analyzing everything about their disorder. 

Im balancing my introspection much more so on me these days. I understand so much more about me.  Perhaps that is the reason this all happened to us.  Nothing had ever before forced me to look inward so intensively.

My caring nature is not a false mask.  But the need to over give. Over do. Over prove my love in the BPD r/s was.  Thats where I got lost on the fog.

Ill always be a better person than my ex bc I was genuine. I give some leniency to the disorder. But not full. I needed to care more about myself and walk when it was clear of the gut and very present feeling that I was no longer in a r/s with someone who could provide mutual caring and respect. I did not. I held the false mask up of trying harder. 

At a certain point, I should have walked.

Caring for myself first and boundaries. Thats who I am now.

[fromheeltoheal]

Nothing had ever before forced me to look inward so intensively.

  Yep, the gift of the relationship.

I agree that being a rescuer/white knight is not healthy and is a false self; if I give enough I will be loved, with the underlying belief that I am not inherently lovable.  On the other hand, caring about someone, giving to them on several levels, making them and our emotional connection my number one priority, along with fulfilling the male role of providing and protecting, are healthy behaviors; there's a line there, and I found that I get obsessed with giving when my partner is not responding and reciprocating, which in the case of a borderline is always the case, so I got lost in that false self and that fantasy, and as soon as I realized it and demanded more from her, the relationship ended.

So moving forward, I've had the opportunity to investigate and change that old core belief that I need to do to be loved because just being isn't good enough.  Coming from the frame that I am inherently lovable, and showing up in the world without the false self and with expectations of loving responses from people has been life changing for me.  It's also caused me to remove a lot of folks from my life, folks who expect the false self, folks I'm just plain incompatible with, folks who aren't growing in the same direction I am.  So what's left?  People who love me for who I am, which is very comfortable and doesn't require anywhere near as much work, and new people I meet, where I've decided to let fly with my true self, be emotionally brave, and see what happens, see what I get back.  Some people won't go there, some don't like me for their own reasons, but some, the cherished few, meet me there and the resulting relationship is much deeper than the kinds I was capable of relying on a false self.  It's a brand new world, long time coming, but never say never... .

[Caredverymuch]

Nothing had ever before forced me to look inward so intensively.   Yep, the gift of the relationship.

So moving forward, I've had the opportunity to investigate and change that old core belief that I need to do to be loved because just being isn't good enough.  Coming from the frame that I am inherently lovable, and showing up in the world without the false self and with expectations of loving responses from people has been life changing for me.  It's also caused me to remove a lot of folks from my life, folks who expect the false self, folks I'm just plain incompatible with, folks who aren't growing in the same direction I am.  So what's left?  People who love me for who I am, which is very comfortable and doesn't require anywhere near as much work, and new people I meet, where I've decided to let fly with my true self, be emotionally brave, and see what happens, see what I get back.  Some people won't go there, some don't like me for their own reasons, but some, the cherished few, meet me there and the resulting relationship is much deeper than the kinds I was capable of relying on a false self.  It's a brand new world, long time coming, but never say never... .

FHTH,   

This is the stuff I love to read here.  We were knocked down hard and kicked down harder. We struggled and hurt and did all the things we needed to do to stay out of the toxic bond of the BPD r/s.  But... .It doesn't stop there.  Thats just the beginning of the climb back out and up. 

The inner work.  Realizations.  Acceptance. Time.  Letting go of all that doesn't work anymore.  Loving ourselves.  Being okay alone.  Letting those ppl go who cant understand the better more peaceful and more calm you.  That doesn't rescue and over compensate.  That is caring, and loving, but more than okay in confidence that we are not responsible for anyone else's happiness but our own. And knowing without waiver that, yes, you are lovable and you know love without the need to over give in order to receive your worth. 

Now thats life.  Thats the work. Thats the why.

Thats me and my whole new much happier world.

And thats you too. 

We would have NONE of this with our ex's. Or have had the need to realize what indeed was our false self if we stayed there.

[Blimblam]

I really think the only way to understand what happened is to understand the concepts of projective identification and introjective identification and splitting.

Once these concepts are understood, which are advanced concepts, then using te karpman triangle and the schemas to analyze how everything interplayed in the interactions.

It's important to remember in the begining many of us felt like we were saving each other.

The begining phases were not totally false.  What happens is through introjective identification the borderline subsumed our identity and litteraly became infused with our being.

It was real it's just something extremely difficult to grasp.

Here is a link that scratched the surface of projective identification and introjective identification.

www.youtu.be/Nloftn8XJH0

www.youtu.be/7I6ylEABE5g

The thing is it is intra psychic and is almost like something out of a scifi movie. The further I get into understanding it the more it is like the hair connection thing in the movie avatar.