My exBPD claims to be working on herself and not with a rebound BF

[goldylamont]

One more thing, when she started dating me, she did not want her ex to know about it as it would probably be even more painful for him.

The same seems to be happening with me, she tells me it is redundant to put on FB that you are in a rs with someone so quick. Her status said she was single up until a few days after she told me this. After that the status was hidden. So she would be hiding a new bf from me. (?)

Also when she put on her status that we were in a rs she only let a few of her friends see that. She is really the avoidant type, or don't know what that is all about.

pwBPD have different personality and levels of awareness. my ex changed her r/s status to her new bf, unbeknownst to me only a month or so after we broke up. still living together and sleeping in the same bed. we had about 60 mutual friends (mostly mine) who had no idea we were even having problems. then, they were shocked that we were still living together (i was blindsided as well). for her it was a badge of honor, then she would come home and tell me all sorts of stories to rub it in, even though i asked her not to do this. she made sure to passively tell me how great he was, subtly drop hints at how he was better than me, gleefully told me in a roundabout way when they started having sex   just be lucky your ex was nicer to you :-) all pwBPD don't act the same, yet there are common traits as well.

and regarding her hiding her r/s status--i know your ex claims that this is because she's empathetic to her ex boyfriend and doesn't want to hurt him. but it's also possible she was lying to him and her new partner regarding when the r/s started and ended. if she was overlapping r/s like this it's better to hide it from both parties to avoid being found out. but i dunno, perhaps your ex was the type of gal to actually feel real empathy for her exes. it's not impossible.

[Blimblam]

One more thing, when she started dating me, she did not want her ex to know about it as it would probably be even more painful for him.

The same seems to be happening with me, she tells me it is redundant to put on FB that you are in a rs with someone so quick. Her status said she was single up until a few days after she told me this. After that the status was hidden. So she would be hiding a new bf from me. (?)

Also when she put on her status that we were in a rs she only let a few of her friends see that. She is really the avoidant type, or don't know what that is all about.

pwBPD have different personality and levels of awareness. my ex changed her r/s status to her new bf, unbeknownst to me only a month or so after we broke up. still living together and sleeping in the same bed. we had about 60 mutual friends (mostly mine) who had no idea we were even having problems. then, they were shocked that we were still living together (i was blindsided as well). for her it was a badge of honor, then she would come home and tell me all sorts of stories to rub it in, even though i asked her not to do this. she made sure to passively tell me how great he was, subtly drop hints at how he was better than me, gleefully told me in a roundabout way when they started having sex   just be lucky your ex was nicer to you :-) all pwBPD don't act the same, yet there are common traits as well.

and regarding her hiding her r/s status--i know your ex claims that this is because she's empathetic to her ex boyfriend and doesn't want to hurt him. but it's also possible she was lying to him and her new partner regarding when the r/s started and ended. if she was overlapping r/s like this it's better to hide it from both parties to avoid being found out. but i dunno, perhaps your ex was the type of gal to actually feel real empathy for her exes. it's not impossible.

My ex pulled all of the above. The thing is this they have identified the lonely child within you and now the other schemas are projecting their own hatred for her own abandoned child into you.  Does she have empathy for the abandoned child yes sometimes.  She probably also has some empathy for you as a person but I'm that she has absorbed part of your identity.

The hardest part to accept is it is not personal.

They are playing out a specific drama pattern on repeat. 

To them love is need so they are experts of identifying a persons needs as they attempt to work on themself through working on someone else in a kind of vulnerable narcissism.

[Timbo1969]

All my friends say that her leaving me for another guy was a blessing and that I dodged a bullet and that it would have been a million times worse if I'd married her. She told me she was going to work on herself and focus on God and kids. Then after playing on my sympathies for the kids that called me Dad and asking for help, she told me "I'm in love with so and so."

If I'm so blessed to have gotten away with only a couple wasted years and some wasted money, why do I feel like crap? She's living her life and having a great time.

[Infern0]

All my friends say that her leaving me for another guy was a blessing and that I dodged a bullet and that it would have been a million times worse if I'd married her. She told me she was going to work on herself and focus on God and kids. Then after playing on my sympathies for the kids that called me Dad and asking for help, she told me "I'm in love with so and so."

If I'm so blessed to have gotten away with only a couple wasted years and some wasted money, why do I feel like crap? She's living her life and having a great time.

She's not "having a great time"

This is one thing that people need to really get to grips with.  I see it so often, she's happy now etc.

She isn't happy because she can't be. It's fantasy.

Mine was posting all these pics on instagram with a big smile "loving life" etc. Then when I talked to her in some regulated state she was telling me how deeply unhappy she was and had all these issues and was so depressed and ruining her life, losing all her friends.

Just like everything you see on TV is not real, so it is with BPD

[Timbo1969]

All my friends say that her leaving me for another guy was a blessing and that I dodged a bullet and that it would have been a million times worse if I'd married her. She told me she was going to work on herself and focus on God and kids. Then after playing on my sympathies for the kids that called me Dad and asking for help, she told me "I'm in love with so and so."

If I'm so blessed to have gotten away with only a couple wasted years and some wasted money, why do I feel like crap? She's living her life and having a great time.

She's not "having a great time"

This is one thing that people need to really get to grips with.  I see it so often, she's happy now etc.

She isn't happy because she can't be. It's fantasy.

Mine was posting all these pics on instagram with a big smile "loving life" etc. Then when I talked to her in some regulated state she was telling me how deeply unhappy she was and had all these issues and was so depressed and ruining her life, losing all her friends.

Just like everything you see on TV is not real, so it is with BPD

Thanks for the reminder. I should feel bad for her, but it's hard when you've been lied to, cheated on, trashed to your friends, family and neighbors. It sounds like me and the OP are at the same place, so I'm going to PM him.

[goldylamont]

Thanks for the reminder. I should feel bad for her, but it's hard when you've been lied to, cheated on, trashed to your friends, family and neighbors. It sounds like me and the OP are at the same place, so I'm going to PM him.

you *shouldn't* feel bad for her right now. after being betrayed and smeared as you have it would be unhealthy for you to feel too much concern for her now. you need to be able to focus on yourself. i just don't want you feeling like you should be ashamed for being angry or not being some type of all-knowing-peacemaker about the situation. you're friends are 100% right that you are better off--yet as you know they are 100% CLUELESS as to how it feels to separate from a toxic individual. you just have to appreciate any support they give and eventually forgive them for their ignorance; because yeah, most people people are pretty ignorant about this stuff right? even though well meaning  

you feel the way you feel because you are *normal*. you had real feelings. you weren't faking and then you were betrayed. if you didn't feel horrible right now, you'd be a sociopath. there is nothing wrong with how you feel. never forget this even though many close to you simply won't understand. here we do understand because we were you.

and as Infern0 said--your ex is not 'happy'. you won't believe this at first, they are very convincing. but just keep returning to the baseline that your ex is putting up this public facade specifically because she is a terribly unhappy person.

[ajr5679]

mine said  the same thing and left me to go back to her and had me raises her son because she could not handle him. I thought she was going to therapy .

[fred6]

All my friends say that her leaving me for another guy was a blessing and that I dodged a bullet and that it would have been a million times worse if I'd married her. She told me she was going to work on herself and focus on God and kids. Then after playing on my sympathies for the kids that called me Dad and asking for help, she told me "I'm in love with so and so."

If I'm so blessed to have gotten away with only a couple wasted years and some wasted money, why do I feel like crap? She's living her life and having a great time.

Yea, I had proof that she was cheating but I wanted her to fess up on her own. I got the whole god comes first and kids come second spill. Then, "I have to work on myself, I can't be in a relationship right now, I don't want a relationship right now". Bunch of bull$hit lies. She's just getting nailed by the dude down the street, plain and simple. Good effin luck to the both of them, they're going to need it... .

[Timbo1969]

All my friends say that her leaving me for another guy was a blessing and that I dodged a bullet and that it would have been a million times worse if I'd married her. She told me she was going to work on herself and focus on God and kids. Then after playing on my sympathies for the kids that called me Dad and asking for help, she told me "I'm in love with so and so."

If I'm so blessed to have gotten away with only a couple wasted years and some wasted money, why do I feel like crap? She's living her life and having a great time.

Yea, I had proof that she was cheating but I wanted her to fess up on her own. I got the whole god comes first and kids come second spill. Then, "I have to work on myself, I can't be in a relationship right now, I don't want a relationship right now". Bunch of bull$hit lies. She's just getting nailed by the dude down the street, plain and simple. Good effin luck to the both of them, they're going to need it... .

Whoa. She told me exactly the same things and that she couldn't be in a relationship because I'd become her whole focus and she couldn't have that. Two weeks later, she's openly dating someone else.

Why do I feel that I could've made it work, if only I {fill in the blank} for her or that I could've gotten her to change.