Taking time to forgive and forget

[Youcantfoolme]

I'm not really sure where to post something like this so I picked here. As some of you may know  my brother has been estranged from my mother and I for about a year now. This is all because of this drama that his uBPD wife caused after their engagement. A lot has happened and it's just too much to write so I will just simply say there was a lot of back and forth arguing, nasty comments, word twisting and backstabbing. In simple terms, his wife stepped into our family on the wrong foot.

Most of the arguing took place before the wedding. It got so bad that I wasn't even invited. For a long while, my brother was taking alll the blame when deep down inside, we all knew who was pulling the strings. He has since then admitted, that his uBPD was the reason behind most of it and he also accepted his responsibility in it. My mother and I have tried in many different ways, to salvage our relationships with him but there's been nothing on his wife's end. At one point, my brother agreed that he wanted to fix things but all he kept saying was, "I want to fix things but it's going to take time." Or he'd say, "I have to take baby steps." When he says this, we know he's referring to getting his wife on board. It's been a half a year since he's said it to us and no progress has been made. If anything, it's only gotten worse.

He claims to be going to therapy to help him figure this all out.

I just can't understand what's taking so damn long. What's taking so much time? I've asked him many times but I don't get a response. He won't even explain exactly what it is that his wife is so angry about and can't get over. I just don't get it. I've even offered to sit down and have a discussion with them so we could figure out a way to move forward but he refuses to do so. What else could be going on? I don't know if its her who is telling him this, just to keep procrastinating, knowing she has no intentions of fixing the relationship, or if it's him hoping that by going to therapy, (by himself) that he will somehow learn how to do some magic voodoo on her to cure her of her personality disorder. It's very frustrating. At this point I have given up on the fact that we will ever have a relationship again. It's sad because they are having a baby and this baby, essentially, will not get to enjoy his/her fathers side of the family.

I know everyone on here has dealt with a borderline on a more personal level than I have. I don't speak to his wife and I hardly even know her. Before they got engaged, I had only met her a handful of times. We never really had any one on one time to bond and form a relationship. I'm just stuck here. Why would take her so long to get over things? To me, it's either you want to fix things or you don't. I know that's very black and white thinking but it's true. Why would it take months upon months of baby steps? I don't think my brother realizes how terribly confusing this is to us. We don't understand his wife and it's his job to bridge the gap between us.

Any insight?

[Harri]

Hi youcantfoolme.  I am so sorry that your brother is so caught up in his own struggles.  It must hurt immensely for both you and your mom.  I feel bad for your brother as well.  and your future niece or nephew.  Everyone suffers and it is horrible.

You ask why it is taking so long to take baby steps.  It is taking so long because your brother is afraid, desperate and is in an abusive relationship with someone who sounds like a high functioning, highly manipulative and damaged woman.  Her behavior is being driven by the disorder and your brother is caught up in it. 

Your questions are understandable.  So is the hurt and the pain.  The thing is, you are trying to make sense and find logic in something that is mostly unconscious and driven by raw emotion.  Both your brother and SIL are caught up in this crazy dance. 

Why would take her so long to get over things? To me, it's either you want to fix things or you don't. I know that's very black and white thinking but it's true. Why would it take months upon months of baby steps? I don't think my brother realizes how terribly confusing this is to us. We don't understand his wife and it's his job to bridge the gap between us.

It is taking this long because she is not capable of seeing outside of her own projections and fears.  It is taking months and months for the baby steps, because each day more distance is added due to her disorder and your brothers inability/refusal to stop the dance with her.  He is afraid and scared.  I agree that your brother does not realize how confusing it is for you right now.  The thing is, he is under an incredible amount of stress, fearful of his relationship, caught up in FOG, walking on eggshells and on top of that has to deal with all the usual stressors and now a baby on the way.  It *is* his job to bridge the gap between you and your SIL, but he is out of his element and dealing with a totally abnormal situation.  You can't apply normal rules and expectations here.  Or you can, but it will only lead to more pain and frustration for you and will push him farther away.  It may also make it harder for him to see the light and if he ever leaves her, it may make it harder for him to go back to you and your mother.

Maybe he does not understand because he can't right now... .he is overwhelmed and he may fear one more demand, one more stressor may break him.  It sounds like he is being pulled in a million directions all at once.  Again, your questions are normal and reasonable, but his relationship and he and his wife are not in a normal place.  The same rules and expectations can not be applied without causing yourself more pain and anguish.  Who knows what kind of behavior and abuse he is dealing with behind closed doors. 

Your brother may come out of this okay.  I hope he does.  I also hope that when he does you will be able to repair the damage.  I can tell you for sure, he is going to need a lot of support and a willingness to listen to him now and in the future.  Do you think it is possible to put aside your questions for now and try to be that safe place of refuge for him?

My heart goes out to you and your mom.  Keep posting here and talk out your hurt and frustration.  In the meantime, have you read the articles here on radical acceptance?  You may find some peace there as well. 

Take good care.   

[Youcantfoolme]

It stresses me out to think of the horrific mess my brother has gotten himself into with this woman. Should they ever decide to divorce one another he will have to start his life over from day one. She has completely robbed him of his individuality. Slowly but surely, she's taken away everything he once owned. At times I wonder if she made him sign a prenup before the wedding. I know inevitably, I will be the one to help him through it when the time comes because I do believe it will come.

As far as what you said, I'm sure you are right. I think my brother is now starting to realize, he cannot fix her and he is accepting things for what they are. As my mom put it, he sold his soul to the devil and he is now paying the price for it.