Any parents out there rejected by their BPD child and don't know why

[mywifecrazy]

My uBPDxw has painted her Mother black and had totally abandoned her after I caught her her in an affair and she left me and my sons. She was totally fine with her Mom up until that point. She hasn't seen her Mom in 15 months. She has also painted her brother and sister black too and hasn't seen them either.

I'm just curious of hearing from parents that have had this happen to them and are perplexed as to why this would happen. Her Mom is the sweetest lady and wouldn't hurt a fly. I breaks my heart for her to have her daughter do this to my X mother in law.

Appreciate hearing any similar experiences.

MWC... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

mycrazywife

I suspect that some how through this separation/divorce her mother has said things to support you and your wife feels rejected and betrayed by her mother... .pwBPD can feel slighted very easily and are very sensitive. If you are still in contact with her mother then she probably feels her mother is taking sides against her. Could this be at the root of this falling out?

[mywifecrazy]

Hi JB,

It's more complicated than that. What I was wondering is if there are any parents out there dealing with their BPD child not talking to them because BPD child is falsely accusing the parent of abuse as a child. As a parent you know this to not be true and you don't understand what made your child have BPD? My uBPDxw wife has claimed she was abused by many people including me. It seems that the older my uBPDxw gets she keeps painting new people black with this abuse card.

I was really interested in parents that are going through this as it may help me give my X-Mother in law some hope.

I'm sure there is some truth in my uBPDxw feeling shame and is afraid of what her Mom thinks. Unfortunately she is making it worse on herself by not speaking to her Mom. Now her Mom is seeing the kids through me. I've told my uBPDxw that I will continue to keep my relationship with her Mother so the kids still have a relationship with their Grandmother.

Again if any parents out their that are dealing with their BPD Adult child not talking to them I would love to hear about you experience.

MWC

[chooselove]

I am a mother with an uBPDd and I don't have any great revelations for you. I just wanted to thank you for being so kind to your ex mother in law. 

My daughter tries to go NC with me but invariably after some time away she makes contact when she needs something but I also sense her unspoken love and concern, although she tries not to show it.  I used to pursue her and try to mend the fences but after many years of that I learned it's best to let her come to me, and I also learned how not to fight with her. That's where I made my worst mistakes, standing up for myself in ways that unintentionally left her feeling shame and anger.  I did not realize at the time that she is wired in a way to not accept any accountability for her actions nor does she appear to have any memories of what she has said and done to hurt others.  I have been painted black for a long time, and it is sad, but I no longer take it personally.  I have mourned that we cannot have the relationship I desire with her. Instead I look at the ways her life is getting better and choose gratitude for that. It was a long road getting here... .and she is taking better care of herself, has a good job and making new friends.  I believe there has been some healing.  How long or far it will extend I don't know.  But we both finally have peace in our homes, albeit a fractured relationship. 

As far as the mom not knowing why the daughter is punishing her. I think she maybe does know deep inside.  Not saying that it was the mother's fault but even as a former son in law you are not going to know the entirety of what has gone on in their home. And the mother may even be in denial about some of it, or he has forgotten.   In my case, there were certainly reasons for my daughter to develop BPD signs and symptoms.  I spent a lot of years trying to make up for it and things only got worse.   

[mywifecrazy]

Thanks ChooseLove,

My XMother in law and X brother and Sister in a Law have been a BIG support to me and my sons.

I've tried to subtly tell them about BPD and what Ive learned about it. They understand that something is wrong with my uBPDxw but they don't look into it for themselves. It's very sad to see what this disorder has done to their family unit. Unless my X gets help I don't see any healing ever taking place with them.

Is your daughter diagnosed? I've been on other boards that are populated by people who are diagnosed with BPD and it's a big difference in the attitudes when someone is diagnosed and trying to deal with their issues.

I've had to let go of my X and totally focus on raising our sons 9&14 as she has abandoned being an active Mother in their lives. She happy only seeing them every other weekend and doesn't get much involved in their personal lives. I can't even talk to her anymore because of the constant lies. It's a shame!

Again thank you for your response. I just feel so sad for my X Mother in law but aim also Happy that she is still in mine and my sons lives.

Wishing you peace... .MWC

[chooselove]

Hi,

No diagnosis.  It was suggested by a therapist familiar with our problems as well as an extended family member who had similar rages, attacks and accusations going on in their family. I read several books and became familiar with BPD and it was all so descriptive of what was happening in our family and finally I gained some understanding and compassion vs just trying to cope and worry.  My daughter will likely never see herself as BPD.   She has moved from low functioning IMO to high functioning and to her credit, has done a lot to improve her life.  I would say things appear to have peaked and I hope and pray they continue to get better.

I hope your x mother in law finds some peace and acceptance. It is a sad place to be and I was sad and worried for many years and it affected my husband and others around me who witnessed my despair, my shame, my guilt and my attempts to help her.  My belief system is now such that I know my daughter, like all of humankind, will one day be in a place free from the mental constraints we all have in this world and it will all make sense why our souls have been on our particular journeys.  I don't want to make this about my sadness or despair any more.  That only brings more hurt into the world. I want to make this about choosing to love and experience peace and know we are doing the best we can at any time, even if it looks like failure.  Same goes for our loved ones. They are doing the best they can.  Even if it looks like hate, lies and abandonment. 

xoxo

[wildchild]

I am going through that now.  I am so sad. I miss him so much. I don't care that he has BPD. I don't want to have NC.  I just miss him.  I understand the feeling. It is so hard to lose a child but when it is the child's choice to turn their back on you it is devastating.

[mywifecrazy]

I am going through that now.  I am so sad. I miss him so much. I don't care that he has BPD. I don't want to have NC.  I just miss him.  I understand the feeling. It is so hard to lose a child but when it is the child's choice to turn their back on you it is devastating.

I was thinking of people like you when I started this thread. My uBPDxw has really hurt me and my sons but what she's doing to her mother is just as bad. I can't imagine what it is like to have your child abandon you like that. I mean this was your baby, toddler, child, teenager, etc, etc. As a parent I know you would have done anything to protect your child. And now to have that person that you loved unconditionally turn on you, paint you black and toss you out of their life is a hurt I couldn't relate to. My heart goes out to you wildchild. I hope there are others in your life that you can lean on for support and understanding.

Do you have any idea what disordered thoughts your son has that he has painted you black? My uBPDxw has also abandoned her brother and sister too. My fear is that she will eventually  COMPLETELY abandon our two sons.  It's a terrible illness. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there. My prayers of peace for you!

MWC... .

[Dutched]

Again if any parents out their that are dealing with their BPD Adult child not talking to them I would love to hear about you experience.

I lost my D23 because of all Mywifecrazy. 

D wrote: “I prefer to live with grieve of not seeing you, instead of grieving because you can’t coop with my standards”… (a “little NPD-like?) NC since a 2,5 yrs, although I reached out to her several times.

There was for a year a very minimum of contact. Once she “therapeutically” had to visit me (yes, really). However I made D clear to tell her T that I am not to be used for his therapeutic experiments.

About 1,5 yr. D had a car accident (neck injury, not severe). My S received a text message form his mom (exw), it happened we were nearby, so hurried to attend

(BTW, exw did NOT inform me about D involved in an accident… Not informing the father of your daughter… how sick and pathetic one can be! But, yes… exw’s brother was informed… so he showed up... .).

D seemed to be happy to see me (imaginable besides the support of a parent in such a situation, that same parent took the 1st step for contact…). After D was examined I gave her a choice. Me bringing her home (mom’s place) or, as mom’s brother was there too, he. I drove her home. Via text message I informed how she was doing and received hours later response.

After a 2 weeks, I asked her to meet somewhere for a coffee. No answer, sent a reminder and the text above was  her answer.

About a year later I invited D by mail to pick up (or have it picked up by others) her belongings. No answer at all. During the finalisation of the divorce, exw asked via the notary “on behalf of” D for her belongings. I refused, D is an adult so it’s her responsibility.

It hurts losing a child too! Won’t be able to bring her to he wedding altar one day! 

Lost my family, lost 1 of the kids, the most important in my life.


I found some websites that might be of interest.

www.klothconsulting.com/KConsulting/BOOK_Where_Did_I_Go_Wrong_How_Did_I_Miss_the_Signs.html

www.rejectedparents.net/

[mywifecrazy]

It has to be hard losing your connection to your daughter like that Dutched. Was the disconnect sudden? Did you notice any problems when she was younger?

My uBPDxw has one by one painter her family black and now she doesn't talk or see anyone from her family. First it was her Dad, then her brother. They have both passed away. Now she has no relationship with her Mom/Sister/2nd brother. I really wish she would get help for herself.

Is your daughter undiagnosed? Like I mentioned above I have been on boards where people can maintain better relationships when they are being treated for their BPD. Unfortunately it sounds like the majority don't.

Hang in there Dutched. Wish there was something I could say to ease your pain!

MWC...

[Dutched]

Thanks for your empathy MWC, same go’s to you as despite all what happened, you still care for exw family, showing a human and caring face towards others (more and more becoming rare todays)!

As far as D23. She is very intelligent. As she apparently couldn’t coop with the situation anymore, she stopped to get her masters degree, got a job and now trying to get it via evening classes. I consider her as HFBPD.

Let’s say she could show temperament since childhood (expressing to deliberately sabotage a family activity, etc.). Late in her teens, she showed anger and tantrums/outbursts (and needed to destroy something), push, pull, all special towards me (copied behaviour of mom, I thought) and giving me a silent treatment (which I “replied”). She had “difficulties” in holding her temper at the local orchestra too.

Several yrs. before the end of my r/s with exw I learned about BPD and recognised traits/behaviour in D too. It changed my interaction with both females in the house.

The reason to cut me out? Well, projection on one side as being the cause for her mom to split. On the other side something happened too, financially.

After a few months since they left, I found out D was financially “not honest” towards her mom (D was fully supported by me; in fact mom knew this, but was to dissociative to comprehend). So I gave D a call and addressed it. D feeling trapped ended the call furious! A few weeks later she passed me on a sidewalk within a meter(!), passing me as if I didn’t exist, totally dead to her!

So, mothers history repeats exactly in D23. ExHFBPDw left her parents in an uncontrollable outburst (same as she blew up my r/s) when she was 18yrs, under no conditions at all she wanted contact for 9 yrs.  In fact exw‘s mother reacted the same. Under no condition that she would initiate contact… (however to the world acting as victim… she felt as if amputated every day…).

The family history of exw shows an emotionally poor family. Keeping up a façade of a social engaged family, of course… During family gatherings any delicate subjects were avoided, so hollow gatherings in which the cosines had to come from my ex brothers in law and others.

After a midlife crisis, exw older sister seen a “spiritual guided light” (spiritual guided handwriting). For years now, she needs every day that pen and paper to be guided. Exw youngest sister, a 15 yrs visiting a psychologist, can’t hold jobs and switched into many professions. Yes for yrs. now in a r/s and having 2 kids with Asperger Syndrome. Last, exw brother who being divorced after a few yrs. found his soul in alcohol, needed to be hospitalized for treatment.

For my self-protection,  as the situation with D in my mind was still to overwhelming, I went to my local support group, a counsellor and some close family members. I needed to let it go, to heal and yes, to set my boundaries.

So early this year I sent D a mail in which I offered for the last time to pick up her goods, otherwise, no reaction.

A second mail to D followed, writing it with tears in my eyes as a “goodbye”, wishing her best and if one day she could overcome her shame and gained insight of her behaviour she could contact me if she was ready.

But also that she if she persists in her choice, that she will not be welcome when I get hospitalised for a severe treatment, nor being welcome at my funeral one day. Those tears won’t be for losing a father, those are as self pity and as social correct behaviour towards others.

Hard? Yes, in fact very, very hard indeed for a father and it feels terrible to do, without any doubt!

Like many of us, I am/was deeply hurt, my soul clashed, etc.  Accepting it, to heal from 2 “parties”, 2 of my dearest in my life. What a mess.

But father is still grieving despite his choice, feels the loss every day, special when I see D accidently driving by, or walking in the street. Comforting and having joy with my S19 who lives with me.

For you Mywifecrazy, I sincerely hope contact can be re-established! It will be a long journey I am afraid, as your exw is beyond yours and the families direct influence. So in any contact try not to become the persecutor, that will backfire. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello MWC

I almost found myself in the situation where my daughter stopped my contact with herself and my GC. My daughter argued with her sister and perceived that I had taken her sister's side (more complicated than that but that's it in a nutshell).

I am so pleased that you are being considerate to your ex M-I-L and facilitating contact with the grandchildren. It did not seem as if my SIL would have been willing to do the same. He is still married to my daughter and living with her so I can see that he would not want to rock the boat.

I agree with Jellibeans that your wife's mother has likely made some comment (probably unintentionally) that has led her to feel that she is not 100% on her "side". BPD makes people sensitive and black and white thinking can lead to an "If you're not for me you're against me" stance

I had to work very hard to re-establish contact and let my daughter know that I love her. At first I did it mainly because of the grandchildren.

If your ex-MIL wants to re-establish contact Valerie Porr's book "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" has valuable advice.

However as she has contact with the children she may just prefer to wait. Things do tend to change and this is probably not for ever. She could just let her daughter know that she is there if she changes her mind.

[PinkieV]

My SS's BM has no contact with her parents or two sisters. The sisters cut her off a few years ago, and the parents this past year after retiring a few states away.  My DH and I have relationships with all of them so that the boys can continue to see their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. They were HUGELY supportive when DH won custody, welcoming us into the family with no hesitation. Thank you for keeping your extended family contact! The more we can do for the kids, the better off they'll be as adults.

[mywifecrazy]

My SS's BM has no contact with her parents or two sisters. The sisters cut her off a few years ago, and the parents this past year after retiring a few states away.  My DH and I have relationships with all of them so that the boys can continue to see their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. They were HUGELY supportive when DH won custody, welcoming us into the family with no hesitation. Thank you for keeping your extended family contact! The more we can do for the kids, the better off they'll be as adults.

Wow pinkieV you DH story is very similar to mine. Very sad on one hand but beautiful on the other. It's sad to see someone lose their daughter, sister, etc. to see a family torn apart by this disorder is painful. But on the other it's nice to see that your DH and my ex in-laws maintain a relationship especially for the sake of the kids. My ex MIL told me even though she's sad that she has lost her daughter she feels like she has gained a son in me... .Wow, what a nice thing to hear... .humbling! My uBPDxw"s sister and brother have both told me that they feel like I'm their brother. They have ALL been AWSOME in reaching out and staying in my sons lives.

Thanks for sharing your story pinkieV

MWC... .

[PinkieV]

MWC that's simply awesome! It's so amazing to have the support of our BPD's families, and I think we're all showing the kids what really matters. Hopefully it's a lesson they take into adulthood.

My DH won emergency custody when his uBPDew went to jail for embezzlement. Her parents met us in the hallway after and thanked us for stepping in. BM wouldn't allow anyone to have the kids - she wanted them to live with her friend so she could continue to collect child support.

We picked up his younger son after school and went to the home to collect his things. My older stepson told us his aunt was coming over. My DH was so scared, thinking she hated him. She walked in and hugged him, and then me. This was the first time I met her. She thanked us for helping her nephews, and talked to both of them to help them calm down.

BM's other sister hopped on a red eye and came out for the weekend. They invited us to a family BBQ and welcomed us to the family. We couldn't have been more shocked, or more pleased. The boys have continually benefitted from our "whole family approach".  Thankfully we have full custody, and a continuing relationship.

[Dutched]

For those estranged (and/or facing that difficult dynamic with a child) some links that might be interesting

www.karenwoodall.wordpress.com/2014/06/08/what-alienated-parents-dont-know-and-what-alienating-parents-dont-tell-them/

www.rejectedparents.net/

www.snickers.typepad.com/estrangements/introduction-to-estrangem.html

[mywifecrazy]

Curious about your thoughts on this:

My Ex-MIL Is coming up to stay with me Sunday night so she can be here Monday to watch my sons as they have a day off from school (uBPDxw works). My MIL is going with me on Sunday to see her grandson (my S8) hockey game. My uBPDxw will be there as its her weekend and she has to take my son to the game. Last time my ex-MIL my XW IGNORED her Mom.

I don't know why but I feel guilty about taking my ex-MIL. It's just that  I know in my uBPDxw's mind she probably thinks I'm doing it on purpose to throw it in her face or something. I asked my exMIL and ex-SIS about it and they said not to worry, they are just happy that I'm keeping them involved in my sons lives. They said that if my uBPDxw has issues it HER problem. It's just so weird, my ex-in laws have been so supportive of me and my kids but I have this guilt like I'm in the middle of a family feud.

I already told my uBPDxw that I will keep her family involved with our sons lives. I told her if she ever talks to them again and decides to let them back in her life I Would step aside and let her take kids to see their gram and Aunt. I guess I should just leave it at that and stop worrying. Dam Co-Dependency!

MWC... .

[mywifecrazy]

Update:

Should have said: The last time I brought my ex-MIL to my kids hockey game her daughter (my uBPDxw) ignored her like she didn't even exist.

One thing I didn't mention was that I asked my ex-MIL & ex-SIL if I should tell my uBPDxw in advance that her Mom will be at the game. Give her a heads up if you will. They said no I don't need to do that.

MWC... .

[PinkieV]

My SS18's half brothers by his bio dad (my DH adopted him) have a wonderful mom. We met in June at his high school graduation. I noticed her talking to BM, and a month or so later I saw they were no longer FB friends. I messaged her and told her I didn't want to be in the middle as I'm two states away, so my feelings wouldn't be hurt if she unfriended me. She told me no way, she could see who had the boys' best interests at heart and we have too much in common to not be friends. Gotta love people who are adults and make responsible choices!

[hard2bhopeful]

I have been cut out since March of 2011.  That is a long time to go without hearing your childs voice or seeing them - what I know of her is from others who see her on social media(she has me blocked there.)  In those 3 years I know she has gone through a divorce and now is gay and engaged to her partner.  She is attending school, volunteering at a hospital and working.  She is very busy - so busy I am sure she doesn't really have to look at any of this.

It has taken me a very long time to start to plod my way through my grief - I do not know the exact reason why she cut me out.  I don't really think it matters.  What does matter on my end is that this is the situation I am forced to deal with.  She is my only child by birth, but I do have two step kids who need and love me.  I have to pick myself up off the floor and give myself permission to live my life and experience joy.  Some days are easier than others!  All I know is this - if we go seardhing for answers and try to make sense of their reasons for rejecting us, it will drive us crazy.  The hardest part of all of this is accepting that you have lost your child, temporarily - possibly forever - because of a mental illness.  WE do not stop loving them ever - but we need to remind ourselves to love ourselves.  We need knowlege and support and reminding.  We have to acknowlege our needs.  This is hard because we become accustomed to shelving them - to shelving ourselves to the point of becoming unrecognizable to ourselves. 

I am glad I am back on this board and getting help from reading other's posts.  Hopefully I can help someone as well.

Love and kindness to us today!

hard2bhopeful

[tinkerbellsmom]

I am dealing with recent NC between me and my daughter, and I am very "painted black".  The reasons are 1.) I was not willing to go against my own moral convictions and put a rubber stamp on very impulsive and repulsive actions that she did in the last year.  I still love her and let her know that but I did not love her actions.  She lost custody of her daughter because if it and I don't feel sorry for her about it.  I feel glad that my grand daughter is in a stable environment.  I keep in touch with my grand daughter and see her often.  To dd, this is betrayal.  and 2.) She has lied about me so much to other people, that she can't let me meet the people in her life anymore or she will get made.  Also, she lies so much to me that she can't keep her lies strait.

I am very sad that it has to be like this but I do feel it is best for everybody.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mywifecrazy]

Tinkerbells I just saw your post. What you describe is EXACTLY what I think is going on with my uBPDxw and her immediate family. She has told so many lies about her family that she now has to keep her worlds from colliding or as you say "She will be made". It's sad because all of her lies about her family, me and others has now caught up to her.  She has to keep her new r/s away from her family or she will be caught in her lies   That's no way to live. Instead of dealing with it and owning up to her lies she just keeps digging a deeper and deeper whole. The only hope I see for her is if she seeks professional help for her BPD but I don't see that happening. It's a very sad situation she has created for herself!

I'm glad to hear that you get to keep in touch with your GD and are still a part of her life.

MWC... .