Tips and Tricks for Detachment

[Tater tot]

I'm struggling... BIG TIME. Just when I think I'm over "it" (r/s, exBPD) something slaps me in the face and makes me face the truth that I'm not. While I don't want to be in a r/s with this person, I can say I want a friendship. Or is it not the friendship I want, but to know that I matter to this person. Maybe if I'm being honest... it's to be thought of by this person, as he did during the idolization phase.

Any tips and tricks on how to detach? What do you tell yourself? Do you journal? Do you have an imaginary funeral? How do you stop yourself from checking Facebook, or contacting them?

Any advice is appreciated.

[VistaView]

The best way to detach is to go strictly NC and focus on YOU.  As you will read on this board, BPD's care NOTHING about whom they injure along the way.  It is all about them.  Keep this in mind, along with the times you felt degraded, devalued, lied to, cheated on and disrespected and let that be your guide.  Good luck, you can do it!

[Aussie0zborn]

This is a tough one but you can do it. I should point out that I left my uBPDw but then got sucked back in because I couldn't do it so I know what you're going through. I also know why it's important for you to do it.

Firstly, you need to do it. No contact, that is.

You want to be thought of by this person as he thought of you in the idealisation phase? You need to read these forums a bit more. All that idealisation stuff was fake. They do that because they need to get you in deeply very fast before you see the real persona as they know that you too will leave when their mask slips, and it invariably does. Once you're hooked its hard not to forgive them each time. Mine used to boast, "I've always been in a relationship" whereas I had been single for ten years and that somehow made her better.  I realised she goes from one relationship to the next before finishing the current relationship. Note : They can't be alone. That's all it is. It wasn't you - sorry. He would have said and done the same things to any girl that stood there long enough to hear it.

So, hoping he thinks of you as he did in the idealisation phase is not going to happen because he has nothing to gain now. In any case, more than half of what he told you was fake.

I hope this simple explanation is enough to lead you to drop it. There is someone out there who sees your worth and value and their admiration will be real. Move on and allow yourself the opportunity to meet that person. Don't waste your life on this guy. There is nothing to gain but misery and disappointment.

[RedDove]

We've all been there and as everyone here has said, the way to detach is to go NC. It's really painful and hard, but block him on FB so "you" are not tempted to look and see what he's up to. Block him on you're phone, or put him under another name in your contacts. I used Gollum from Lord of the Rings... .hobbit turned into an evil creature by a ring of power!

I also read like a feind! There are lots of good books out there as well as this forum. The most difficult part is letting go of the fact that the person you loved didn't feel the same way about you. It hurts, I know. They aren't capable of loving anyone, not even themselves! Very painful to hear and realize. They don't think like we do, they are on the borderline of psychosis. His childhood trauma caused the BPD... .you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

Focus on you and look inside to determine why you were vulnerable to him. I did this and it was a hard journey but very enlightening. I learned about the lonely child inside of me and why I bonded with an abandoned child (ex BPDbf).

Hang in there, it will get better! 

[Pingo]

Motivated by another thread where they imagined their pwBPD to be 'dead' I decided to do something symbolic.  Not a funeral but something that signified that the r/s is dead and it's time to move on.  He has a bunch of my stuff which I have been trying to get back, some of it is dear and not replaceable. He has ignored my pleas and has total control of the situation.  I decided last weekend that no property is worth being still involved with him.  It takes too much away from my healing.  So I said good bye to my stuff, let it go and went out and bought some of the stuff he won't return.  I can't replace some things but I replaced what I can.  Now if he does contact me to give me my stuff back, I can ignore him and remain NC.  This gives me control back.  My peace of mind is no longer in his hands.

There is no way I could be friends with him.  How could I be friends with a man I cannot trust.  Who definitely does not have my best interest in mind.  I read constantly and have found many good books on this site that have helped a lot to take the focus off him and onto me.  My therapist says that reading is good but keeps me in my head and for me to really heal I need to get into my 'pain body'.  I find journaling is good for this.  Just keep taking it one day at a time.

[Nomad1027]

The first step, like everyone has said, is to go NC.  It is very, very hard at first, but it does get easier.  When I feel like I want to reach out to her, I stand up, walk around for 5 minutes, get something to drink, etc. and then wait for it to pass.  I still feel the need to reach out to her, but it is far less intense and far less frequent.

The other thing I did, which I wrote about in the same thread Pingo referenced above was to begin thinking of her as having died.

Here is the thread where we discussed that:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232965.msg12499548#msg12499548

[Pingo]

The other thing I did, which I wrote about in the same thread Pingo referenced above was to begin thinking of her as having died.

Here is the thread where we discussed that:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232965.msg12499548#msg12499548

I like this idea because it allows us to really grieve.  So often people are told to move on, get over it, time will heal, etc.  Others don't realise how traumatic this experience has been for us.  This allows us to mourn the loss as we should and for as long as we should.

[KeepOnGoing]

I hear ya Tater Tot. I find myself wanting everything to be back the way it was, but the truth is I know it will never be the way it was because now I know too much. I'm angry. I want an opportunity to tell her off! Who does she think she is? And yet the other side of me that just loves her so much wants to just be so sweet and loving and caring and open. What the heck?

I've been NC for three months now. And that's what I started out with - I said I'll give myself 90 days and see how I feel in 90 days. The truth is I feel a little less shell shocked, but I still have a long way to go because there's something I really need to work on and myself. Try not to look at his social media for awhile. I have to admit I have not been successful at that. I got a fake account so I can look at her Instagram. I did take about a one-week reprieve from that and felt a little better.

Reading is helping a lot, and I see my therapist three days a month. I'm running, which helps me take care of myself physically.

Keep posting.

[KeepOnGoing]

You want to be thought of by this person as he thought of you in the idealisation phase? You need to read these forums a bit more. All that idealisation stuff was fake. They do that because they need to get you in deeply very fast before you see the real persona as they know that you too will leave when their mask slips, and it invariably does.

Do they consciously know they are doing this?

[kc sunshine]

I'm still way far away from being over things, but the things that have felt important to me in moving me along the process have been (in no particular order of importance):

1) understanding the disease so I could depersonalize some of the behavior and the things she said (this board has been the most helpful for that)

2) posting on here instead of contacting her

3) going NC, though not perfectly, messing up, and starting all over again

4) leaning into the feeling (and thinking about where I am on the grieving continuum, so I have the sense that the feelings will pass)

5) praying (in the higher power sense), to help me through some particularly tough moments. The "lord is my shepherd" prayer has been particularly important in helping me to think I could make it through

6) meditating-- I've got a great meditation phone app: headspace.com

7) having a break up/NC buddy (thanks pieceofme if you are reading this! Also, Rifka's posts have been great)

8) getting rid of the relationship memorabilia on my phone & computer, and her stuff in my house

[Nomad1027]

You want to be thought of by this person as he thought of you in the idealisation phase? You need to read these forums a bit more. All that idealisation stuff was fake. They do that because they need to get you in deeply very fast before you see the real persona as they know that you too will leave when their mask slips, and it invariably does.

Do they consciously know they are doing this?

No. I do not believe so.  They thirst for attention, love, validation, companionship and need.  They are disordered and their disorder drives them. I know they know how it always ends, but they cannot control it anymore than you or I could control falling in love with them.

[Tater tot]

The first step, like everyone has said, is to go NC.  It is very, very hard at first, but it does get easier.  When I feel like I want to reach out to her, I stand up, walk around for 5 minutes, get something to drink, etc. and then wait for it to pass.  I still feel the need to reach out to her, but it is far less intense and far less frequent.

The other thing I did, which I wrote about in the same thread Pingo referenced above was to begin thinking of her as having died.

Here is the thread where we discussed that:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232965.msg12499548#msg12499548

Nomad- I really like that idea of getting up and going for a walk, or getting a drink, or perhaps even hiding my phone, so that I don't give in, in the moment and reach out. Wait until the urge passes.

[Tater tot]

Thank you everyone! There are so many great tips here, and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling. I think one of the hardest things is accepting that he has this disorder. He's not diagnosed to my knowledge, but EVERYTHING points to it. I guess I need to read more about Radical Acceptance.

I'm back at day one NC. I also spent A LOT of time thinking about this last night, and actually sat down and typed out "our story", at least the first 4 weeks where I was being swept off my feet by him. Looking at it objectively, I found 72 red flags... .yes 72! That was eye opening to say the least. I emailed it to myself so that when I get the urge to text him, or look at his social media, I will access that email, and I hope that will stifle the desire to reach out.

Thank you again for all your advice... .and if anyone else has any tips or tricks, I'm listening!

[drummerboy]

The biggest help to me was when I realised that the person I thought I fell in love with did not exist. I "thought" I fell in love with a caring, loving person. Well, a caring loving person does not end a intense relationship in a heartbeat and not even bother to reply to emails that were loving but just asking for some answers and closure.

I now realise that I fell for a illusion. Vapourware, software that promises much but never arrives.

That person that you fell in love with, does not exist.

[Deeno02]

You got to stay off the social media. Delete or block. Out of sight out of mind. It still sucks, but do you really want to see him/her with your replacement? NC is the way. Prepare yourself for a possible return and be prepared to ward it off if it happens.

[Nomad1027]

Thank you everyone! There are so many great tips here, and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling. I think one of the hardest things is accepting that he has this disorder. He's not diagnosed to my knowledge, but EVERYTHING points to it. I guess I need to read more about Radical Acceptance.

I'm back at day one NC. I also spent A LOT of time thinking about this last night, and actually sat down and typed out "our story", at least the first 4 weeks where I was being swept off my feet by him. Looking at it objectively, I found 72 red flags... .yes 72! That was eye opening to say the least. I emailed it to myself so that when I get the urge to text him, or look at his social media, I will access that email, and I hope that will stifle the desire to reach out.

Thank you again for all your advice... .and if anyone else has any tips or tricks, I'm listening!

I did much the same thing when I first learned that she likely suffers from BPD.  I sat down and wrote about the relationship from beginning to end (it took a few days) and looking back I see red flags.  Many of them occurred at the very beginning and more occurred at the end, two years later. It was cathartic and helped me comes to accept that she has BPD, albeit a very high functioning sub type.

Keep up,with the introspection Tater tot.  You need to keep processing your experience.  It is like cleaning and caring for an infected wound.  You need to keep cleaning it for it to really heal.  Once I really started doing that I was able to begin looking at myself and begin coming to terms with why I have been attracted to wounded women in all of my significant romantic relationships.  Understanding myself, and not just my UxBPDgf and DxBPDw, is where the real healing has begun.  It hurts, but I am in a better place because of it.

[trampledfoot]

First off I don't think that "friends" is safe. Think about the hurt this person caused you... .Friends is just another avenue for them to inflict more pain. Remember they seek your attention and whether or not you are sleeping with them has nothing to do with it. I have tried the friends thing and it is just a miserable if not more because they are doing the same things to you but now they have a reason "it doesn't matter we are not together." Personally, I deleted Facebook and any other program or contact that would cause me to cross her path.

[Loveofhislife]

We've all been there and as everyone here has said, the way to detach is to go NC. It's really painful and hard, but block him on FB so "you" are not tempted to look and see what he's up to. Block him on you're phone, or put him under another name in your contacts. I used Gollum from Lord of the Rings... .hobbit turned into an evil creature by a ring of power!

Focus on you and look inside to determine why you were vulnerable to him. I did this and it was a hard journey but very enlightening. I learned about the lonely child inside of me and why I bonded with an abandoned child (ex BPDbf).

Hang in there, it will get better! 

Ha ha ha--I've been referring to him as Gollum all week because money is, no doubt, his "precious." And spot on, my lonely child loved his abandoned child. Time for me to be my little one's new best friend!