How do I Tell her she's BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

At the moment I'm N/C but she IS showing heavy signs that she will msg me just like she has the last 7 times she split from me.

How do I go about telling her that I'm 100% sure she's BPD without her going into denial and painting me black.  

Most people when they hear that they're Bipolar or something from a person whos not a professional... they just shrug it off as, "okay, maybe I am but it doesnt matter.".  They end up not taking it seriously.  how can I get her to take it seriously.

Do I present her with printed articles that she won't even look at?  I do want to stay N/C but I also want her to get help.  Her parents don't really care and she knows somethigns wrong with her but she just shrugs it off like an immature person saying, "I'm probably bipolar or something, idk... i'm just messed up and nobody understands me."  How do I go about telling her?

[Algae]

At the moment I'm N/C but she IS showing heavy signs that she will msg me just like she has the last 7 times she split from me.

How do I go about telling her that I'm 100% sure she's BPD without her going into denial and painting me black.  

Most people when they hear that they're Bipolar or something from a person whos not a professional... they just shrug it off as, "okay, maybe I am but it doesnt matter.".  They end up not taking it seriously.  how can I get her to take it seriously.

Do I present her with printed articles that she won't even look at?  I do want to stay N/C but I also want her to get help.  Her parents don't really care and she knows somethigns wrong with her but she just shrugs it off like an immature person saying, "I'm probably bipolar or something, idk... i'm just messed up and nobody understands me."  How do I go about telling her?

[fromheeltoheal]

It's best to look at your motives first; you mention you want to help her, with is noble, but is there more?  Maybe you get to be right and she was the problem all along?  Maybe you want to do something lifesaving for her to gain points so she'll stay?  Best to be honest, whatever it is.

And telling someone they have a serious mental illness is difficult to hear, for anyone, and most of us here are not licensed professionals, in fact licensed professionals avoid placing a label on someone until they get to know them very well and it's a positive therapeutic environment.  In any case you are probably aware of the tools she uses when she's triggered, meaning she's got strong emotions she can't deal with, and most likely she will do something like claim that it's not her, it's you that has this personality disorder, and then off to the dysfunction races we go again.  How do you think she'll react?

[Blimblam]

I went down this road it is one of futility in my experience.

[Algae]

It's best to look at your motives first; you mention you want to help her, with is noble, but is there more?  Maybe you get to be right and she was the problem all along?  Maybe you want to do something lifesaving for her to gain points so she'll stay?  Best to be honest, whatever it is.

And telling someone they have a serious mental illness is difficult to hear, for anyone, and most of us here are not licensed professionals, in fact licensed professionals avoid placing a label on someone until they get to know them very well and it's a positive therapeutic environment.  In any case you are probably aware of the tools she uses when she's triggered, meaning she's got strong emotions she can't deal with, and most likely she will do something like claim that it's not her, it's you that has this personality disorder, and then off to the dysfunction races we go again.  How do you think she'll react?

Well then how do I even get her interested or introduce her to the thought that she might have a disorder.  She is aware that there is something wrong but she just ignores it like any immature mind would.

[fromheeltoheal]

Well then how do I even get her interested or introduce her to the thought that she might have a disorder.  She is aware that there is something wrong but she just ignores it like any immature mind would.

If I had wanted to tell my ex, I'd first sit down with her and have open, honest conversations, real heart to heart connections, about a range of issues before I brought that up.  Problem is we never had those, about anything, save the illusion that was the idealization period.  Also realize that even if you want her to know for reasons that are pure, you're probably not the one to tell her, since the two of you are emotionally enmeshed and you are triggering for her.

Borderlines survive, they always have, and as with most things and most people, we need to hit rock bottom before we are humbled enough to really look for answers.  Kind of like us on this site.  I'm not trying to talk you out of it, just consider all the consequences, and of course interacting with her like that is not detaching; best to start shifting the focus from her to you.  Take care of you! 

[.cup.car]

Well then how do I even get her interested or introduce her to the thought that she might have a disorder.  She is aware that there is something wrong but she just ignores it like any immature mind would.

Create a scenario in which she goes nutty and make sure there are others around who were there to witness it and refuse to believe her lies when she tries to justify her behavior.

[myself]

Her signs are her business. You don't have to play a part in it.

Tell her? She already knows. She lives it everyday. 

It's hers to face, not yours to (compassionately) force.

[JRav59]

I agree... .What are the motives to telling her? Is there hope that maybe you guys will workout?

If my ex ever wants to meet with me to reconnect, even as friends I will say , "no". If she asks why, I'll tell her only how the relationship was poison. She'll have her own thoughts. In all honesty, she'll never listen. Shes been in and out of therapy . Like an alcoholic, they need to hit rock bottom. Unfortunately I believe this illness may kill her.  

[Bak86]

When we just broke up and didn't know about BPD, i already knew something was wrong with her. Told her to seek help, because i was afraid if she wouldn't she would hurt herself or other people. She said there was nothing wrong with her and she could decide for herself what she needs. Later on, i told her she might have BPD and she was mad at me for saying that. Told me i was the crazy one.

She also told me she was in therapy once, she wouldn't tell me what it was for. She told me the therapy didn't help, so all psychologist and therapists are frauds by default. 

You will gain nothing with his, they are in denial and probably will be, unless they hit rock bottom. Mine has a lot of support from family and friends, they are enabling her, because she is such a sad person with a sad history  

[Algae]

When we just broke up and didn't know about BPD, i already knew something was wrong with her. Told her to seek help, because i was afraid if she wouldn't she would hurt herself or other people. She said there was nothing wrong with her and she could decide for herself what she needs. Later on, i told her she might have BPD and she was mad at me for saying that. Told me i was the crazy one.

She also told me she was in therapy once, she wouldn't tell me what it was for. She told me the therapy didn't help, so all psychologist and therapists are frauds by default. 

You will gain nothing with his, they are in denial and probably will be, unless they hit rock bottom. Mine has a lot of support from family and friends, they are enabling her, because she is such a sad person with a sad history  

What would you assume rock bottom would be though?

[camuse]

Telling them is generally pointless. Mine scared herself with one rage and went to a P and told me he'd said she definately didn't have a PD. I'd never suggested she did have, but I think she thought/knew and was desperate to be told otherwise so she could do on hiding from it. She probably made sure the P said that, or maybe it was a lie. Denial is what they do.

[Waifed]

There is no likely positive outcome by telling someone they are BPD. If they have discussed some of the symptoms with you maybe you could suggest sitting down and googling symptoms together. If they in any way think you are suggesting they are BPD they may get angry and hurt. I tried to help my ex by suggesting it and offering financial support for therapy. She had the police contact me and asked me to never contact her OR her friends ever again. I was floored that she would do this. Totally out of character (I thought) since she was so dependent. I believe she was hurt and shamed so immediately cut ties with me to save herself from the pain of others finding out.

[Bak86]

When we just broke up and didn't know about BPD, i already knew something was wrong with her. Told her to seek help, because i was afraid if she wouldn't she would hurt herself or other people. She said there was nothing wrong with her and she could decide for herself what she needs. Later on, i told her she might have BPD and she was mad at me for saying that. Told me i was the crazy one.

She also told me she was in therapy once, she wouldn't tell me what it was for. She told me the therapy didn't help, so all psychologist and therapists are frauds by default. 

You will gain nothing with his, they are in denial and probably will be, unless they hit rock bottom. Mine has a lot of support from family and friends, they are enabling her, because she is such a sad person with a sad history  

What would you assume rock bottom would be though?

In my case, all of her friends and family to ditch her, probably getting evicted from her house(which she almost is) etc.

[Algae]

When we just broke up and didn't know about BPD, i already knew something was wrong with her. Told her to seek help, because i was afraid if she wouldn't she would hurt herself or other people. She said there was nothing wrong with her and she could decide for herself what she needs. Later on, i told her she might have BPD and she was mad at me for saying that. Told me i was the crazy one.

She also told me she was in therapy once, she wouldn't tell me what it was for. She told me the therapy didn't help, so all psychologist and therapists are frauds by default. 

You will gain nothing with his, they are in denial and probably will be, unless they hit rock bottom. Mine has a lot of support from family and friends, they are enabling her, because she is such a sad person with a sad history  

What would you assume rock bottom would be though?

In my case, all of her friends and family to ditch her, probably getting evicted from her house(which she almost is) etc.

Ah I see , Well my ex has no friends anyway haha.  It's why she mirrors people... to make friends and gain approval.  She has 1 friend who supports all dumb decisions she makes and thats about it.

[purpleavocado]

I wouldn't tell her, period. What do you have to gain from it? It won't help you and it won't help her. If she gets help it's going to have to be her idea and her action. Otherwise it's not going to do anything, anyway.

Chances are you're going to get painted black anyway, and now is the time to start planning for long-term NC.

[Algae]

I wouldn't tell her, period. What do you have to gain from it? It won't help you and it won't help her. If she gets help it's going to have to be her idea and her action. Otherwise it's not going to do anything, anyway.

Chances are you're going to get painted black anyway, and now is the time to start planning for long-term NC.

Then how is she ever going to know she's BPD.  Her family don't care, her friends don't care.

[purpleavocado]

I wouldn't tell her, period. What do you have to gain from it? It won't help you and it won't help her. If she gets help it's going to have to be her idea and her action. Otherwise it's not going to do anything, anyway.

Chances are you're going to get painted black anyway, and now is the time to start planning for long-term NC.

Then how is she ever going to know she's BPD.  Her family don't care, her friends don't care.

It's sad, but why do you think it's your responsibility? And do you think it will help her to know?

[Algae]

I wouldn't tell her, period. What do you have to gain from it? It won't help you and it won't help her. If she gets help it's going to have to be her idea and her action. Otherwise it's not going to do anything, anyway.

Chances are you're going to get painted black anyway, and now is the time to start planning for long-term NC.

Then how is she ever going to know she's BPD.  Her family don't care, her friends don't care.

It's sad, but why do you think it's your responsibility? And do you think it will help her to know?

No I don't think it's my responsibility but you don't just stop caring about someone and if they hurt themselves after 4 years no matter what they did to you.  :P

And yes i do think it would help if they knew and accepted it.

[freedom33]

I agree with the people before me advising you not to say anything. Mine was in T for 10 years (still is) and she had a number of books about the disorder. Does that mean anything or change anything?

I did tell her after I read about BPD that I know what is going on with her. She said what do you mean? I didn't want to say anything in order to avoid shaming her. I wanted just to leave it there and I said I know what is happening and not to worry I want us to work on this together. She pretended she didn't understand what I was talking about and kept asking me. After insisting I said that I know that she has BPD. She said she couldn't believe her ears! how could I think such a thing about her!

She was pestering me for weeks to take it back. She never acknowledged that she had anything. I didn't take it back but I do acknowledge that telling her wasn't the right thing to do and my intentions weren't pure either. I suppose part of it was to prove to her that I was right and play the good guy. It was stupid of me.   The most she acknowledged towards the end was to say to me that everyone has borderline traits and we i.e. both her and I have them.

Actually assigning a label to a behaviour does not change anything. Labels act as hindrance to experience reality - we are confusing the finger with the moon. Sure, she is BPD. What the hell does that mean? Does it really explain anything? And most importantly does it provide any solutions? No... .

Don't try to be a prophet buddy. I have done it and it does not work and most importanly it is not helpful. It is actually rather irritating. If I put myself in her shoes I would have been pretty annoyed myself if someone said like this to me. Quite a wnky thing to say really. I do feel bad about that.

[fromheeltoheal]

What would you assume rock bottom would be though?

I called my ex a psychopath once, I didn't even know what one was, but she was sure acting psycho, and the thing that struck me was the look on her face when I said, like I was on to something, like she knew and knew I knew.

So after I left her I Googled psychopath; turns out she's not one, but that led to other searches, and eventually this site.  I was motivated to do all of that because I was in pain, felt I was going insane, lost, susceptible to anything anyone had to say that would help: that was my rock bottom.  Point is no one led me here, I was searching, and had someone tried to lead me here I probably wouldn't have listened.  But the lights came on once I got here.  She has to be in a place to do something similar: hurting, searching, susceptible; you can't push her there.

[purpleavocado]

[quote author=freedom33 link=topic=234169.msg12502004#msg12502004 date=1412088967

Actually assigning a label to a behaviour does not change anything. Labels act as hindrance to experience reality - we are confusing the finger with the moon. Sure, she is BPD. What the hell does that mean? Does it really explain anything? And most importantly does it provide any solutions? No... .[/quote]
Exactly this.

[Blimblam]

[quote author=freedom33 link=topic=234169.msg12502004#msg12502004 date=1412088967

Actually assigning a label to a behaviour does not change anything. Labels act as hindrance to experience reality - we are confusing the finger with the moon. Sure, she is BPD. What the hell does that mean? Does it really explain anything? And most importantly does it provide any solutions? No... .

Exactly this. [/quote]
When we boil it down to a catch all phrase it tends to be limiting.  I actually think forming it into fairy tales tends in many ways to break down the different archetypes.

Like I know a psychopath he is a Machiavellian he is potentially dangerous but not to those connected to his close friends.

Believe it or not I would consider codependent behavior to be under the umbrella of psychopathic behavior not far off from the realm of te borderline and altruistic covert narcissism.

[goateeki]

In my opinion, the healthiest thing to do is recognize that your very desire to help this person is probably something that has enabled her condition.  I know that this is really bad manners, but I have to ask -- why is this your problem? Why would you want it to be? 

When I started down this road with my dBPDstbxw five months ago, someone asked me "If she had cervical cancer, would you leave her?"  Maybe not.  But you have to deal with her BEHAVIOR.  So why would you ever want to?  I am persuaded by the position that pwBPD have less a chance of getting better and getting to full health than a feral child has of being rehabilitated and participating in human society.  I know that that sounds harsh, but I don't think it's unreasonable.   

[Rise]

Then how is she ever going to know she's BPD.  Her family don't care, her friends don't care.

She could seek professional help. Or she could do research herself. You managed to find your way to BPD. Is she incapable of doing the same thing?

Algae, if this is something you need to do so you can walk away knowing that you tried, then go ahead. Let her know and be done with it. If you have to do it for your own well being than it's what you've got to do, but be prepared. Be prepared for the possibility she doesn't want to hear what you have to say. Be prepared for backlash, for her to get upset, or even mad at you.

Also be aware, just because you can tell her what you think, there is absolutely no way you are going to make her accept something she doesn't want to.

[Algae]

Then how is she ever going to know she's BPD.  Her family don't care, her friends don't care.

She could seek professional help. Or she could do research herself. You managed to find your way to BPD. Is she incapable of doing the same thing?

Yes, because she doesnt even know what it is basically.

[JRav59]

In all honesty, I think my ex BPD partner's rock bottom is death. She tried to commit suicide once. Didn't think it was her that had a problem. Went to therapy for 4 months, saw a quack doctor who she seduced (thank you free clinics) and hasn't been back since.