How do they cope if they can't find a replacement?

[nyfit1]

My ex BPDgf was basically a borderline stereotype. She followed the playback to the letter. Told me I completed her, that I was her moral compass, that she needed me to feel whole. She said she could never be alone and will have to find someone to be with no matter what. She is 48 years old and every relationship she has ever had was a series of makeup a and breakups. I broke it off for good last October but just like the playback demands she wanted me back in her life 3 months later. She told me that I had to be in her life in some capacity. She says she tried dating but no one was honest or interesting to her. Needless to say our attempt at friendship afterwards failed miserably. She actually accused me of leading her on and holding her back from moving on. So crazy. My question is what happens if they can't hook a new guy. She has no identity of her own. With no one to mirror she is nothing in her head. It is unacceptable to her. How do u think they cope?

[Deeno02]

She will, I was dumped on one day, the next she had another. Sorry, thats how they roll.

[Nomad1027]

Hello nyfit1.  This is an interesting question.  In my experience, they will find a new person, one way or the other.  It doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic relationship, although it tends to default to that given their intensity and need to feel loved and desired and cared about.

I think they eventually find someone, if only temporarily.  They have such difficulty holding on to a relationship and making it last.  You hear a lot about "replacements" being "downgrades" from their previous partner.  I think there is something to that.  It certainly is the case with my UxBPDgf.  She is dating a man who has no career, no real long term plans, who left his kids behind with their mother when he moved to another state, and he has a 20 year history of recurring arrests.

As long as the person "feeds" their hunger for attention and companionship, the rest just seem to be details.  Eventually, though, it falls apart from everything I've read.

[tim_tom]

I think the reality is that women can always find a guy, the fact that they are have no sense of self and so adept mirroring and so comfortable jumping right in bed makes it all the more easy.

Most likely, their current target didn't work out for one reason or another and they are momentarily in between supply... but not for long

[Whiteytheox72]

Nyfit1 your story is my story word for word. So much so it scared me much like so many other stories here mirror my story.  There will always be a replacement. There will always be a plug for a hole.

[Nomad1027]

There will always be a plug for a hole.

Literally and figuratively.  Unfortunately.  What a miserable way to live for our exBPDs.

[Artisan]

Why care how they cope?

I'm more interested in how you are coping and healing.

[Whiteytheox72]

Nomad I no longer care about her life and feelings. She is a heartless meathole. Its tragic that whatever happened hapened to her but is it more or less tragic the pain and agony she has left in her wake? Husbands... lovers... .children... .friends... .

[yaryu]

Interesting question.  I'll be honest, there is no shortage of men to give her what she wants.  With my exBPDgf, just a post on craigslist in the casual encounter section will do it.  Easy peasy.  It's something she needs to do to cope, which I more or less have to accept.

[MrFox]

As said above, they will always find someone.  It is really an issue of standards.  Someone without BPD generally looks for someone they share common interests with, are attracted to, etc.  From looking at the string of men that my ex has gone through in the time I have known her, she seems to have two requirements.  Present and willing to give her attention.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I disagree with the majority on this one.

Do most Bpds generally have a replacement lined up or in the wings? Yes.

But alternatively i believe that some Bpds can either go Hermit mode and seclude or find a group of friends constantly enabling and adorating their life that fill "the created void".

[VistaView]

No such thing as "no replacement".  My exBPD for the second time in 7 years has bolted for someone else.  It is very exhausting and draining trying to live up to their wants and needs.  Ihave learned alot about BPD before I even knew what I was dealing with.  I have been 3 months NC since and don't plan on getting in touch.  Be thankful every day that she does not call and take this time to work on YOU.

[Bak86]

I disagree with the majority on this one.

Do most Bpds generally have a replacement lined up or in the wings? Yes.

But alternatively i believe that some Bpds can either go Hermit mode and seclude or find a group of friends constantly enabling and adorating their life that fill "the created void".

Yup. 4 months post breakup and my ex is still on her own. She's a hermit.

[nyfit1]

My ex swore that she wasn't with anyone between our final breakup last October and our attempted friendship in March of this year. Then little by little she started mentioning more guys and more dates. Then it turns out she was dating a guy the whole time she wanted to be friends again. Also during this friendship period she constantly said she needed me in her life and she still felt the same about me. She said she loved me more than her own children. How sick is that? Dont want to paint all people with BPD as liars but I know my ex def is one. She knew I would feel bad for her and give her what she wanted if I thought she was lonely. What I don't get is why pull me back in if she already had a new guy or guys to play with?

[BlackHoleSun]

My ex swore that she wasn't with anyone between our final breakup last October and our attempted friendship in March of this year. Then little by little she started mentioning more guys and more dates. Then it turns out she was dating a guy the whole time she wanted to be friends again. Also during this friendship period she constantly said she needed me in her life and she still felt the same about me. She said she loved me more than her own children. How sick is that? Dont want to paint all people with BPD as liars but I know my ex def is one. She knew I would feel bad for her and give her what she wanted if I thought she was lonely. What I don't get is why pull me back in if she already had a new guy or guys to play with?

Because its all about their needs! I look at it like this - you need healthcare... .you go to a doctor. You need your car fixing... .you go to a mechanic. You need legal advice... .you go to a lawyer.

Basically, if you provide them with something they need, they'll keep you around. They might have numerous partners/friends all providing something they want and they'll go between those partners/friends as they see fit, until they no longer need them.