Kind of broke NC...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ok guys. I need some help. I kind of broke NC here. I have not contacted her or anything but I looked at her instagram profile. Here's my situation. We have been NC for 6 weeks. She went on holidays by herself. We were supposed to go together but I broke up with her a few weeks before. She has been messaging via every social media option available and I ended up blockin her from everything. A couple of nights ago she contacted my ex partner of seven years trying to ask questions about me thinking that I may have gone back with her... .My ex partner blocked her and called me today worried about all of this.

This evening I had a friend over and we had a few drinks. After he left and a bit drunk (still... .) I checked her instagram profile. I thought I 'd find pictures of her having fun with a replacement and/or other guys and that would be have done it for me. That would have made me completely forget her. But nothing. She seemed to have just a normal regular holiday by herself and also posting things related to me/us whilst there. Even an old video of me from our holidays from last year. I saw a series of pictures that really surprised me. Pictures of things that meant a lot to both. She also passed by my neighborhood and tool a picture nearby. A few selfies here and there whilst on holiday. She was trying to have a good time by herself but I know her well and I know she was suffering. Her face changes when she is in that borderline state of inner turmoil and that's the face she had. When we are well together she looks 10 years younger. I really felt sad for her being all alone there. It broke my heart.

She also posted a series of picture from a book she was reading during her holidays. She 's into buddhism and she posted the following. (She posted 5 pictures of 5 pages - I just copy selectively some text below).

Overcoming pride

This mantra is difficult to practice. It has to do with a situation in which you are suffering yourself and you think that your suffering has been created by the person you love most in the world. If it had been someone else who had said that to you or done that to you, without doubt you would be suffering less. And then it gives the following parable of of jealousy

www.fairybookshelf.com/cms/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=195:mrs-truong-a-true-and-touching-story&catid=40:exem-true-stories&Itemid=75

And after this story it continues.

In this case it is the person I love the most that said that to me or did that to me and I am suffering more. I am deeply hurt by the fact that my suffering was caused by the person I love the most. I feel lije going to my room, closing the door, staying to myself and crying. I refuse to go to him and ask for help. So now it is pride that it is the obstacle... .do not let pride keep you apart... .if you think you love this person you must overcome your pride and always go to him... .You must always check things out by going to the person in question and asking for his help... .":)ear loved one, I am suffering so much, help me please"

Now I know that she hasn't posted these things for me to see them and manipulate me. In this case there is no hidden motives - I don't use instagram. She 's posting it to strengthen and reinforce the content of what she read - That's how I understand it. At any rate I think it is genuine and I really feel for her right now. It seems that she has been suffering and ruminating. Funilly enough all of this is from a book from Thich Nhat Hanh and I was looking up some of his writings the other day. We are both into buddhism. We have a lot in common as I was saying to a previous post. It's not just mirroring stuff. We both play music, both are spiritual, love camping, gigs, humour, craziness. I don't know where I am going with all this... .I know it's going to be a tough one for me tonight. I love her. I really do. I also know that I got to keep her out of my life. Like I have to perform a heart amputation. It's the most difficult thing I have done in my life so far.

If you made it so far you are a hero(in). Thanks for reading.

[freedom33]

Ok guys. I need some help. I kind of broke NC here. I have not contacted her or anything but I looked at her instagram profile. Here's my situation. We have been NC for 6 weeks. She went on holidays by herself. We were supposed to go together but I broke up with her a few weeks before. She has been messaging via every social media option available and I ended up blockin her from everything. A couple of nights ago she contacted my ex partner of seven years trying to ask questions about me thinking that I may have gone back with her... .My ex partner blocked her and called me today worried about all of this.

This evening I had a friend over and we had a few drinks. After he left and a bit drunk (still... .) I checked her instagram profile. I thought I 'd find pictures of her having fun with a replacement and/or other guys and that would be have done it for me. That would have made me completely forget her. But nothing. She seemed to have just a normal regular holiday by herself and also posting things related to me/us whilst there. Even an old video of me from our holidays from last year. I saw a series of pictures that really surprised me. Pictures of things that meant a lot to both. She also passed by my neighborhood and tool a picture nearby. A few selfies here and there whilst on holiday. She was trying to have a good time by herself but I know her well and I know she was suffering. Her face changes when she is in that borderline state of inner turmoil and that's the face she had. When we are well together she looks 10 years younger. I really felt sad for her being all alone there. It broke my heart.

She also posted a series of picture from a book she was reading during her holidays. She 's into buddhism and she posted the following. (She posted 5 pictures of 5 pages - I just copy selectively some text below).

Overcoming pride

This mantra is difficult to practice. It has to do with a situation in which you are suffering yourself and you think that your suffering has been created by the person you love most in the world. If it had been someone else who had said that to you or done that to you, without doubt you would be suffering less. And then it gives the following parable of of jealousy

www.fairybookshelf.com/cms/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=195:mrs-truong-a-true-and-touching-story&catid=40:exem-true-stories&Itemid=75

And after this story it continues.

In this case it is the person I love the most that said that to me or did that to me and I am suffering more. I am deeply hurt by the fact that my suffering was caused by the person I love the most. I feel lije going to my room, closing the door, staying to myself and crying. I refuse to go to him and ask for help. So now it is pride that it is the obstacle... .do not let pride keep you apart... .if you think you love this person you must overcome your pride and always go to him... .You must always check things out by going to the person in question and asking for his help... .":)ear loved one, I am suffering so much, help me please"

Now I know that she hasn't posted these things for me to see them and manipulate me. In this case there is no hidden motives - I don't use instagram. She 's posting it to strengthen and reinforce the content of what she read - That's how I understand it. At any rate I think it is genuine and I really feel for her right now. It seems that she has been suffering and ruminating. Funilly enough all of this is from a book from Thich Nhat Hanh and I was looking up some of his writings the other day. We are both into buddhism. We have a lot in common as I was saying to a previous post. It's not just mirroring stuff. We both play music, both are spiritual, love camping, gigs, humour, craziness. I don't know where I am going with all this... .I know it's going to be a tough one for me tonight. I love her. I really do. I also know that I got to keep her out of my life. Like I have to perform a heart amputation. It's the most difficult thing I have done in my life so far.

If you made it so far you are a hero(in). Thanks for reading.

[tim_tom]

Best of luck man, I am not too familiar with your story, but I can tell you that you are a lot better off then a lot of us. You have the option of going back.

Whatever you are going to do, let it sit for a few days imo

[Blimblam]

My ex was posting stuff and had her family posting stuff online to gaslight me and make

Me feel guilty.  She purposely hid all her little flings she was having keeping it secret. I fell for the bait and went to see her only to be gaslit and abused and made to feel worthless.

With my first ex who is BPD she would stalk and lure me back only to hurt me over and over untill one day after fighting off two guys from raping her friend I was painted black. 

Right now the thought of your ex a bringing up some strong feelings in you I've been there.

Watch this link

www.youtu.be/CJ07JyztEIU

[Chasing_Ghosts]

This post brought tears to my eyes. Im kinda emotional already today(went from steaming angry last night back to a baseline empathy that i normally feel for my ex today)but this definitely moved me. I feel for you freedom33... the paths between the two seem to wind up crossing at some point. Its hard not to go back down the path that guides your heart. I cant tell you what to do but i can suggest that maybe her intentions are pure. Maybe she really needs you. And personally i think if you can love her from a distance thats what i would do. Im not telling you to break NC but its what i would probably do as well. Maybe just try talking to her. Imo whats the worst that could happen if you keep your boundaries strong. Ive learned with my ex as long as i keep boundaries she doesnt overstep anymore because i enforce them something i never did before. Im working on me 90% but the other 10% i devote to her and our communication and improving things. Just a thought through my experience. 

[freedom33]

Thanks to all of you for reading my story. Yes I think having the option of going back Tim Tom  empowers me in a paradoxical way to keep my NC. It is my choice to not go back not a fait accompli on her side and that sense of choice is positive and empowering.

I was also in an emotional state last night when I wrote this Chasing ghosts. Alcohol doesnt help. At the start of our rs I used to drink with my ex a few glasses and get a buzz. But I had to quit alcohol alltogether after 3 months of being with my ex and not for health reasons. My body told me not to drink. It was automatic. Insticts kicked in. The body is wise. I never had more than a glass whilst in her company after issues started arising. Alcohol clouds ones judgement and you need all of it and more when with a pwBPD. Also alcohol makes one emotionally vulnerable and boundaries weaken. Drinking is just the thing that you do not want to be doing around a pwBPD that you are attached to.

I know she needs me Chasing Ghosts but I need me too. Unless she got back with an email that demonstrated some insight on what has happened and most importantly an actionable commitment that she will work on herself (i.e. do DBT, which I understand is the method that works best) I wouldnt consider being friends, let alone lovers again. I subtly told her about DBT when we were together (she was/is in talking T for many years now but not DBT). I also gave her a Jon Kabat Zinn mindfulness CD which she used to do when things were going well but not when she was dysregulating. I did what I could. As I said she has been in T for a long time so maybe that's the best she can do too. I could have done more sure - and I could have done a lot less too. I did the best I could for practically a stranger. What I mean by that is that I have done less for people that I have been with for many years and I have given everything I had to a person I just knew for a few months. I love her deeply but she has to face her world. It is not my role to force these things to her. It is her responsibility.

The chances of the above happening in my mind are practically zero so I am not hoping for it. This has been the most difficult thing I have done in my life. To cut her from my life. I keep repeating this. It is psychic amputation that I am performing with NC. It hurts, but it has been character building.


P.S. Blim - I have been in the smeagol state in the past. I know what you mean. I was not there last night though. Thank god for that.

[goldylamont]

freedom33 what happened to you last night, and then your subsequent response today shows excellent resiliency and clarity. i'm very happy that you are able to return to your baseline after sobering up. i'm sure there's a lot of truth in what your ex is posting, but we all know this is just transient. she may feel completely the opposite now and view you as the devil only a day later... .as hard as that is to swallow. it's tough to separate ourselves from this cycle of emotions when they are so strong and sway in completely opposite directions so swiftly. which is why i think you know internally that you have to stay away for now, to hold onto your own stability. those are very tough things to read, sober or not. it's great that you are able to put it into context.

[seeking balance]

Freedom,

I agree with Goldy - you were vulnerable and are showing clarity now.

The thing is, for me grief went in cycles - it was way easier on me when my ex was acting BPD... .when she wasn't, the pain was really hard to process.  I loved her, I married her - it wasn't all bad or it wouldn't hurt.

These relationships expose our own weakness and vulnerability like nothing else - use this new found knowledge, process it - learn to sit in your wise mind (sounds like you are working towards this).

Be good to you - you are human, I looked and did the "what if" after it didn't seem crazy too... .this really is the bargaining phase of grief and grief is certainly not linear.

Focusing on the facts of BPD is how I let myself process and let go... .sounds like you are on your way too.

Thanks for such an honest post.

Peace,

SB

[freedom33]

SB, Goldy - Thanks for reading my rather lengthy post and for your empowering comments. Today I have regained my strength and soberness. It amazes me how much alcohol can influence our psychic constitution. Powerful substance. In modern society and because it is legal and cheap and everywhere we don't respect alcohol's potency. In ancient cultures like Egypt and Greece people would reach orgiastic frenzies just with wine (e.g. the Dionysian mysteries). Powerful stuff.  I need to stay of the booze until I am 100% safe.

Research has shown that willpower e.g. for NC is expendable. The more you use it during the day making decisions etc. the less you have of it. Same research has shown that people with strong willpower are not innately born with it. The difference is that these people are proactively protecting themselves from using it mindlessly i.e. avoiding situations that will put them in temptation where they will have to exercise will power hence saving it for things that matter. I found this very interesting and it makes sense.  So avoiding triggers, avoiding alcohol etc. all these things help.

[Rifka]

Freedom,

She knows that you know that she uses Instagram. They are very devious and smart at finding ways to manipulate you back. Mine tried so many things.

Whatever you do is your business, but you truly do know that it will send you right bank here to day zero!

Me and my ex were both dancers, we danced like magic together, we made love like we were starving without it, it was beautiful passionate and the most amazing intimacy. We were at concerts all the time, music was such a passion of ours. We had so many things in common.

The truth is that of course we did because that is part of the mirroring!

That boy pleaded a case and a half for me to not stop our passions together and all of his so called love ( torture!)

I had to stop it and completely walk away! I was nowhere to be found anymore because all I became was the provider of his so called happiness ( which as we all know is impossible)

Try to think this out for a few days! It's a trap, stop thinking of the good and positive things if you can and focus on all of the horrible things she did and how you felt. If she took a lover, why do you want to go back to where so many have been and so many more will be.

Once you love them, they become emotionally dead inside and torture you, you fight back and they sweet talk you and trap you again over and over until you escape the cycle and run for your life.

HAVE YOU HEARD ONE TRULY HAPPY ENDING STORY OF A NON AND A BPD S/O. ONE WHERE BOTH PEOPLE ARE HAPPY WITHOUT ONE SELLING THEIR SOUL TO THE DEVIL?

You can't save her or make her happy and you know that ! NOBODY CAN!

Step back and think it out! If you could avoid the Instagram, that might be a good thing. Since you don't use it, how about disabling it?

Rifka