How do you set boundaries?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think that I am somewhere between "Staying" and "Staying or leaving". Or - it changes. Right now I am closest to doubting if I will stay or leave. My doubts is about weather I am capable of coping with this relationship. I think that it takes more energy than it gives. But then again, there are periods with good and balanced energy between us.

One of my biggest concerns is that at times I find it more and more difficult to breathe freely, and to be spontaneous. Often when I am about to say something, I hold back and think if this or that remark would trigger his rage or suspicion. That is tiring and doesn't feel good at all. One very important thing has become a puzzle for me: How do I set boundaries? That is extremely difficult, because even the most harmless remark from me can trigger his rage, because he experiences it as an attack/harsh criticism. And then I'm left with a feeling that I am not in a relationship with an adult. In that situation it is even much more difficult to be with an adult than with a child, because with a child you can set boundaries, showing the child that in this or that matter you are the one who decides, and that's it. You can't do that with a grown-up man with whom you should have an equal relationship. An example: He has got the idea that I am unbearably jealous. In the beginning of our relationship he demonstrated through sms messages sent to a female friend of his, that he was in love with her and had been for 15 years, and that he would always love her though she didn't want to be his girlfriend. These messages he forwarded to me. So I became uncertain and doubtful about what he wanted, and I told him so. I wish I never had. We have talked about it, and he has assured me that it is me he wants and that I can trust him. So I trust him, because that is what he shows. They are still close friends, and I don't have any problem with that. But he doesn't believe me, and he uses it against me saying that he can't stand my jealousy. When I tell him that I am not feeling jealous, he says I am a liar. It is really annoying. Right now he forwarded a message to me, sent to her, where he says that he looks forward to spend more time with her this month, and especially the week where I am in Athens (I go to Athens to see a family who became my good friends in 1996). I really don't mind that he will see her more often. I think that it would be healthy for both of us if he would start seeing others more often and not cling so much to me as he has done for the six months we have been a couple (I haven't said that to him, of course). He doesn't seem to have any problem when I want to see my friends, and he sometimes wants to join me there. Now a few days ago he forwarded a message to me, sent to her, where he tells her that I am jealous of her because I haven't had a relationship for many years and he has had many, and because he is so very fond of her. And that he will tell me again and again that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He also forwarded to me her answer to him. I find this behaviour very childish. I can live with that, that he sometimes behaves childish, but I definitely don't like that he shares that kind of claims about me with her or with anybody. Not even if it was true. My problem is that if I told him so, it would convince him even more strongly that I AM jealous. Another example: When he gets an outburst, he is verbally very humiliating and hurting, and he can be scary, when he thumps the table with his fist or picks up a knife from the table, though he puts it back shortly after. He has told me that he has been violent towards some of his former girlfriends and is ashamed of it. How do I set boundaries without creating more problems for him and for me?   

[harbour]

I think that I am somewhere between "Staying" and "Staying or leaving". Or - it changes. Right now I am closest to doubting if I will stay or leave. My doubts is about weather I am capable of coping with this relationship. I think that it takes more energy than it gives. But then again, there are periods with good and balanced energy between us.

One of my biggest concerns is that at times I find it more and more difficult to breathe freely, and to be spontaneous. Often when I am about to say something, I hold back and think if this or that remark would trigger his rage or suspicion. That is tiring and doesn't feel good at all. One very important thing has become a puzzle for me: How do I set boundaries? That is extremely difficult, because even the most harmless remark from me can trigger his rage, because he experiences it as an attack/harsh criticism. And then I'm left with a feeling that I am not in a relationship with an adult. In that situation it is even much more difficult to be with an adult than with a child, because with a child you can set boundaries, showing the child that in this or that matter you are the one who decides, and that's it. You can't do that with a grown-up man with whom you should have an equal relationship. An example: He has got the idea that I am unbearably jealous. In the beginning of our relationship he demonstrated through sms messages sent to a female friend of his, that he was in love with her and had been for 15 years, and that he would always love her though she didn't want to be his girlfriend. These messages he forwarded to me. So I became uncertain and doubtful about what he wanted, and I told him so. I wish I never had. We have talked about it, and he has assured me that it is me he wants and that I can trust him. So I trust him, because that is what he shows. They are still close friends, and I don't have any problem with that. But he doesn't believe me, and he uses it against me saying that he can't stand my jealousy. When I tell him that I am not feeling jealous, he says I am a liar. It is really annoying. Right now he forwarded a message to me, sent to her, where he says that he looks forward to spend more time with her this month, and especially the week where I am in Athens (I go to Athens to see a family who became my good friends in 1996). I really don't mind that he will see her more often. I think that it would be healthy for both of us if he would start seeing others more often and not cling so much to me as he has done for the six months we have been a couple (I haven't said that to him, of course). He doesn't seem to have any problem when I want to see my friends, and he sometimes wants to join me there. Now a few days ago he forwarded a message to me, sent to her, where he tells her that I am jealous of her because I haven't had a relationship for many years and he has had many, and because he is so very fond of her. And that he will tell me again and again that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He also forwarded to me her answer to him. I find this behaviour very childish. I can live with that, that he sometimes behaves childish, but I definitely don't like that he shares that kind of claims about me with her or with anybody. Not even if it was true. My problem is that if I told him so, it would convince him even more strongly that I AM jealous. Another example: When he gets an outburst, he is verbally very humiliating and hurting, and he can be scary, when he thumps the table with his fist or picks up a knife from the table, though he puts it back shortly after. He has told me that he has been violent towards some of his former girlfriends and is ashamed of it. How do I set boundaries without creating more problems for him and for me?   

[Indyan]

Why does he keep forwarding his messages to you?

Maybe you should consider telling him to keep his messages to himself  

He's obviously looking for a reaction from you, the less you'll react, the sooner he'll drop that attitude.

My BF also told me I was jealous in the beginning of our r/s. In fact it was the first red flag I should have noticed. We were merely dating, and one evening, on the phone, he started being really agressive about "I may go back to painting one day and you'll have to accept that I'll paint naked women".

I was under shock, I couldn't figure out what he was trying to prove. He kept insisting that I should admit that I was jealous. I refused to admit something that wasn't true but I found his attitude very twisted and manipulative. I ended up crying and that made him stop, as if he'd realized he'd gone too far. He used to complain loads about his ex's jealousy, so I put it down to "ex trauma". It's only months later that I found out about BPD.

He might have tried to make me jealous since then, not sure. I know he spent a lot of time with a collegue on the phone, she had just got fired and I found OK she needed to talk. I think he must have decided to change his angle of attack, that wasn't good enough. He's told me many many times that "I'm not the jealous type".

He knew from the beginning that I hate having an invasive family and I suppose he prefered to play on that, leaving me unexpectedly for his sister or organizing things with them without asking me.

[Take2]

Another example: When he gets an outburst, he is verbally very humiliating and hurting, and he can be scary, when he thumps the table with his fist or picks up a knife from the table, though he puts it back shortly after. He has told me that he has been violent towards some of his former girlfriends and is ashamed of it. How do I set boundaries without creating more problems for him and for me?    

Harbour... .when this type of behavior occurs, you need to remove yourself as quickly as possible.  :)o not allow this to be acceptable.  This MUST be your boundary.  You will not accept it.  He will escalate to violence.  He has a history of violence against ex girlfriends and he's pick up knives when he gets angry... .  please please please see that this has to be an absolute boundary for you.  Tell him this type of behavior is not acceptable, then you are going to leave so that you can both have time/space to calm down and that you will return later when things are calm.  And do it.  Leave every single time.  Enforce that boundary until that behavior doesn't happen again... .

And remember - an abusive man is extremely unlikely to change his behavior even with therapy... . be safe... .

[harbour]

Yes, it seems that he is trying to make me jealous. He has told me many times that he falls in love with one out of two women, and he keeps on telling me and demonstrating how attractive, wonderful and fascinating he finds many women he meets. After he had met my two sisters he said that he was very attracted to them. He is very good at charming women. Earlier he talked so much and often about his fascination of women that I got annoyed and bored. I said that I don't find the subject that interesting.

I think that you are right when you say that the best thing to do is to ignore it.

He has seen me crying once, in the beginning of our relationship. That was the first time he got furious, shouting and accusing me of treating him terribly bad, while he was doing the best he could. When I couldn't reach him, because he was out of control, I felt powerless, scared and hurt. And I started to cry. That only made it worse. "Stop being foolish", he shouted, "see how mean you are, playing the victim". So I never since let him see me cry.

And yes, I should tell him not to forward his messages to me.

[Indyan]

And I started to cry. That only made it worse. "Stop being foolish", he shouted, "see how mean you are, playing the victim". So I never since let him see me cry.

I'm not convinced that hiding our tears is a solution.

I've never cried hoping for him to come to me, and more often than not I cried myself to sleep, in another room. But he did come to me a couple of times. I remember once after he had badly rejected me, I was desperate, crying on my own after telling him "You should consult a doctor". He came to see me, took me in his arms and said "We'll make it somehow."

It these things that kept me going, for I could see HE KNEW there was sthing wrong with him.

[upsidedown_world]

Six months is certainly easy come easy go.  Why bother?

IMHO, much easier to cut ties now than after it's deteriorated for another 2, 5 or 10 years.

What do you realistically envision at those milestone time markers?

[harbour]

Thank you for listening and for your replies.

When we are together and not out, we are always in my apartment. So do you mean that I should leave my home, when he becomes aggressive? Or I could go to the bathroom and lock the door and stay there until he has calmed down. Actually I intend to talk to him about this when I see him tomorrow. I will tell him that I do not feel safe when he acts that way, and that I can and will not be near him if that happens again. I will ask him if he can feel it coming before he is about to lose control, and if he can, we can make an agreement that he leaves before he explodes. I don't know if this is realistic. But I could try.

Take2, you say that an abusive man is extremely unlikely to change his behaviour even with therapy. Why do you think that he will escalate to violence?

He was in therapy for three years. It ended in March this year. He reached out for help and started the therapy after he had been violent to his former girlfriend two years ago.

I did get a little worried, when he told me one day that his therapist often wanted to talk about his anger, and that my partner was not so interested, because he didn't see the point in talking about his anger. He didn't feel angry, he said. It is as if he is not aware of his rage afterwards, or of how aggressive he has been. He doesn't seem to be affected by it at all afterwards.

Why don't I leave him? Because most of the time I enjoy being with him. Most of the time he is gentle, affectionate, caring and giving. We have many things and interests in common. In his stable periods I feel good and can breathe freely when we are together. Since Friday I couldn't, because he changed into this weird mood. But I do have doubts if I will stay or not. I certainly do.

[Take2]

Harbour... .  I can't profess to be an expert on domestic violence, but I have read a lot about it given my own fears of what I've been through.  From what I've read combined with what you said - I think there's a very real chance that your bf will wind up getting violent with you.  You said that he has been violent in past with other girlfriends.  You said that when he gets upset he grabs a knife.  That are HUGE red flags... .that is just not normal or reasonable behavior. 

I read a book called Why Does he Do That by Lundy Bancroft.  He works with abusive men.  He's counseled them for like 30 years or something.  His book is incredibly informative and eye opening... . 

Good luck to you... .  know that you deserve to be treated with respect. 

[harbour]

Take2, thank you so much for your reply.

He didn't point at me with the knife when he picked it up. He pointed it towards the table for a few seconds and then put it back on the table, continuing shouting and cursing me. But you are right. It is not normal or reasonable behaviour. I never saw anyone doing a thing like that before. And I did feel my heart pounding and a tremble of my body. The first time he got an outburst was two months or so after we had started a relationship. It was totally unexpectedly. We hadn't had any argument or anything. That time he thumped the table with his fist. Another time we were lying in bed, side by side. The same rage. When he raised his arm and clenched his fist counting to ten, aloud, and thumped his pillow beside my head, I got really scared. When you are lying down in that situation you feel powerless. I remember thinking: No he wouldn't do it. He is not going to hit me. But I was terrified, and I thought I could just get out of bed and into another room. But I couldn't move. I was just lying still, being silent, and trying to keep eye contact with him as calmly I could. After the first time I thought that it wouldn't happen again, that he must have been scared himself of his behaviour. Wishful thinking. I know that now. And I expect it to happen again, no matter how careful I am in my own behaviour. And I must admit that I don't feel 100% safe. Right now, as I write this. I feel nervous. My body doesn't lie.

He is coming here tonight. He is calm and affectionate now. But ... .when is the next time something will trigger his rage?

What is your experience? Have you been in  a relationship with an abusive man, and was he violent to you? What did you do? Did you try to talk to him about it?

I can't understand his behaviour. Or maybe I can understand his rage out of what I have read about Borderline. But I can't understand how he can ignore his rage afterwards. As if nothing has happened. I don't believe that he has forgotten it. But how can he not be affected by it?

[Aussie0zborn]

If he has hit other women why wouldn't he hit you?  You, or whoever he is with, are a red flag to a bull.

Counting to ten with a clenched fist and then punching the pillow? Who does that? It sounds like he's had anger management training.

They never see anger as they're problem. As I said before, he sees it as your fault for making him angry therefore you are the one with the problem because otherwise he wouldn't be like that... .he would be the nice guy that you say is perfect when everything is OK. This guy is not perfect at all.

One boundary might be that he leaves your apartment when you say so and at any time that he makes you feel uncomfortable. You shouldn't have to lock yourself in the bathroom - it's YOUR apartment remember - you lock HIM out.

In my opinion, you are ignoring all the red flags. Good luck.

[debyt]

Unless you are married to this man, RUN. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. My mother is married to him, or at least to his persona. she has been married to it for nearly 50 years and now that my dad is 80 yrs old he is abusing her like never before.  He is losing his mind to dementia and abuses her verbally, emotionally, and physically.  He pushes her down and calls her all kinds of horrible names.  If they will do it now at a young age just add 30 years to it and look down the road. 

You are valuable to God.  You are wonderful and don't deserve abuse.  Dr. Lehman says "there is no excuse for abuse".  Any kind of disrespect is abuse. Tigers don't just erase their stripes.  People don't change unless THEY want to.  Set your boundaries high and don't lower them or compromise them unless you have to protect yourself in some way. 

You are never alone because God is there with you daily.  Ask yourself, "What would I tell my very best friend to do?" then follow that advice.

hugs... .!

[harbour]

Take2, Thank you. I see the red flags now. And I feel like vomiting. I am scared. Right now I am trying to figure out why I don't just get it over with and end this immediately. I ask myself, is it because I don't want to lose the good thing we have together, and the love, or is it because I am terrified that he will take revenge and harm me severely if I leave him? I think all of it. What do I lose? I will lose the good thing we have together. Love? Is it an illusion in this case? When I think of it, looking back on these enchanting, wonderful times with him, really think of it, I wonder how much love there is in it. In his good periods, which he has most of the time, he puts me on a pedestal. I am his ideal woman. It is very seductive to be adored and feel like his ideal woman, the love of his life. But - I am beginning to realize that something is missing. Reality and equality, and space to be just a human being in his eyes, and feel relaxed. That does happen, but not that often. So, what I will lose may be just a dream. Actually, I do often feel more or less like in a dream world with him. A fairytale. Now I push it to the extremes. To try to understand myself in this. Love won't cure him, someone said. I believe that. I believe that he is not going to change. Though he says that he is working on it.

The fear of being harmed by him? You say that he will be violent some day. Somebody else said that. As you say, if he has hit other women, why would he not hit me? He has given me the impression that it is history and only history. And since he is in the middle of a so called psychiatric treatment, because he for the first time (according to him) was reported to the police by his former girlfriend two years ago, I thought that he had learned a lesson and had become very much aware and conscious of his acts and the deeper motives for them. Well, I am not so sure any more. Though he has said that his three years of psychotherapy has helped him a lot. Maybe, but how much, and in what way? I intended to talk with him about his rage tonight. He didn't turn up as we had agreed, because of "my silence and my bad mood". So he feels too uneasy and discouraged. He would go to bed (in the afternoon) and come tomorrow morning. That is far out. We have been communicating in a loving and caring way on sms since Tuesday. Sunday he had his outburst. I also ask myself why I haven't even mentioned these outbursts to him before. For two reasons: When he comes back to the idealizing state, I feel relieved and just want to "forget about it". And because I am afraid. Afraid that bringing up the issue might trigger his rage again and make him so desperate that he might harm me terribly bad. I am also afraid that he will harm me, if I stay. I feel trapped. I see the red flags. I see all these things, still I sense that there is something I don't see. Why and what is that, I wonder.

[Indyan]

Does it sometimes paint you black and go no contact for some time?

Maybe the easiest would be to go along with him then, "we don't fit" sort of idea.

But you definitely ought to talk to him when he's calm. If he can't listen to you then, and not only listen but agree with you, then there's not hope whatsoever.

[Lucky One]

So sorry to hear of these experiences you are having.

It's so absolutely wrong for a man to intimidate and / or terrify a woman and vice versa, physically, verbally and emotionally.

NO REASON on earth can ever justify this action, whether the perpetrator is sorry for it or not, afterwards.

There is a very good WORKSHOP that was initiated by Skip, the founder of this website, on SETTING BOUNDARIES. It's quite long and detailed, with many experienced members who participated.

I've just recently read it myself and all I can say is "WOW" - I had it all wrong!

If I had, had my PROPER boundaries in place, a lot of heart sore and sorrow, could have been avoided.

I'd like to encourage you to read it, give it a try. It's one of the Top Workshops on the site. You may find it very helpful - search under Top Workshops.

Best wishes, it's in your hands

[Aussie0zborn]

... .he puts me on a pedestal. I am his ideal woman. It is very seductive to be adored and feel like his ideal woman, the love of his life.

Yes, it's great, isn't it? Except its not real. As you say, he is seducing you he is not loving you - there is a difference. It's all fake and this level of seduction is what makes us ignore the red flags and excuse their bad behaviour. The problem is that the behaviour gets worse and the damage it does to you - in every which way - is difficult to overcome. There is a huge price to pay for this kind of relationship.

Anybody can be his ideal woman - all she has to do is fall for the seduction and excuse his bad behaviour. When your realise his behaviour is dangerous and you don't allow it anymore he will not "love" you anymore. It's that simple.

[Lucky One]

... .he puts me on a pedestal. I am his ideal woman. It is very seductive to be adored and feel like his ideal woman, the love of his life.

Yes, it's great, isn't it? Except its not real. As you say, he is seducing you he is not loving you - there is a difference. It's all fake and this level of seduction is what makes us ignore the red flags and excuse their bad behaviour. The problem is that the behaviour gets worse and the damage it does to you - in every which way - is difficult to overcome. There is a huge price to pay for this kind of relationship.

Anybody can be his ideal woman - all she has to do is fall for the seduction and excuse his bad behaviour. When your realise his behaviour is dangerous and you don't allow it anymore he will not "love" you anymore. It's that simple.

Echo That,

What is REAL genuine love for another person?

Can you give us a short definition, that we can take forward with us?

That we can use. That can and will really help us! Not this "Pie in the Sky" love.

[Isa_lala]

Harbour, I am soo feeling like you do!

I recognize some parts of my relationship and I am dealing with the same dilemna: shoud I leave him and lose all what I love in him and in our relationship or do I stay and cope with all that I hate in the relationship... .

I feel with your last post that you think of leaving him but are afraid. Would have a safe place to stay for a while after you break up? A place he is not aware of as a home of a friend he never met? That could help... .

[harbour]

Hi Isa_lala, AussiOzborn, Indyan and Lucky One

This site and this forum are invaluable for me.

I have had a few days to think it over. And I realized that I will not and cannot allow myself to be controlled by fear. So, I decided to talk to him about his outbursts and what they do to me. I also decided that if that would trigger his rage or if he refused to talk about it, I would break up with him. But again, how? I could write him a letter. It really provokes me that I would be too afraid to break up with him face to face, but I will not put my life or my health at risk. Then there would be another problem. He has left a lot of his stuff here in my apartment. I could, of course, make sure not to be alone when he would come and get his things. He came Friday as we agreed, and we talked. I told him that when he gets these outbursts, I don't feel safe, and that it is a serious problem. I told him that when he shouts and picks up a knife or raises his arm with a clenched fist accusing me of treating him terribly bad etc., then it scares the hell out of me and hurts me. He listened calmly and seemed to take it very serious. He said that he was aware that his anger sometimes can get out of control, but that he was not aware that it scared me and hurt me so. We talked about it for an hour or so, and we agreed that when he feels the anger growing, he will leave immediately and not come back until he has calmed down. He also reminded me that he actually wanted to leave the last time he got angry, before it got out of control, but that I got angry because he would leave. So he stayed. And he ended up in a rage. That is true. I always gets hurt when he suddenly wants to leave, because of some apparently harmless remark I made. Or because he gets distant. So we agreed that I let him go in peace, when he needs to get away. Either because of his anger getting out of control or because he needs distance. Typically, when everything has been fine for some time, he gets distant and a little depressed. He says that he thinks it is because of his terror of losing me. And that fear is strongest when he feels really good with me. And when that fear becomes unbearable, he gets even more terrified, since he knows his destructive pattern. He is aware of it, and he is trying to be sensible, but he finds it extremely difficult to control that fear, he says. I think that this new agreement we made is the best thing we can do right now. When he gets these moods, it never lasts for more than a few days. So maybe it doesn't have to be a big problem, I think. Now that I know a little more what it is about, it may not hurt me so. We will see how it works.

I do have in mind what several of you said. That it is only going to get worse. That he will not change. That he will become violent some day. So, of course I ask myself: Am I deceiving myself? I do not know. But I will be very, very much alert.

[Isa_lala]

Harbour,

Many times I wish I could have left my bf at the beginning of the relationship.

Yes it can go better with a lot of efforts from both partners, efforts that take a lot of energy. Too much energy.

I often think that a relationship shouldn't be that energy consuming... .Things are not always easy in a relationship, but most of them should be. Only a 10-20% could be time and energy consuming, not the opposite. It is was I think, I may be wrong.

I have been with my bf for more than 2 years and it presently is as difficult as it was 2 years ago. And I spent A LOT of energy in this relationship, for what? don't know.

If my son was borderline, I would cope with it and would help him the most I can. My boyfriend? not sure if I should keep trying to make this relationship work. Really, I think it takes too much energy to go on with something we could avoid... .

sorry to be so negative but I am going through bad times with my bf these last weeks.

[Indyan]

When he gets these moods, it never lasts for more than a few days. So maybe it doesn't have to be a big problem, I think.

I do have in mind what several of you said. That it is only going to get worse.

In my case, some people on a forum also kept telling me it would get worse, that violence would just escalate and so on. It hasn't so far, 2 years later.

However, if he's really BPD, then you may be minimising the "moodswings problem".

I did. I used to think "he's depressed, he'll get better, I can cope with those moods".

BUT IT DIDN'T WORK THIS WAY

Because we can't always cope. His stress may grow bigger because of external events (stress at work for example). Or we might not be well and he won't handle that at all... .

But it's not just this.

I never realized why BPD was called an illness and EVERYTHING it's about.

Until now. I mean, pwBPD are capable of REALLY REALLY LOSING IT. I used to think that was overstated, this things about being ill, being "on the border of insanity". Well, no. pwBPD have terrible things going through their minds, and it's not all self-destructive. It's also ugly stuff about the people they love, about controlling before they get controlled, destroying before being destroyed, hurting before being hurt etc.

Please beware of this: they are bombs just waiting to explode dangerously.

[Isa_lala]

Totally agree with Indyan  :'(

[harbour]

Yes, it is very tiring, and I don't have the same energy as before. I thought that it was because that I have been a single for many years and needed some time to adjust and get used to my new life. Well, I don't believe that any more. I agree, Isa_lala, a relationship should not be so energy consuming. A healthy relationships gives energy more than it takes energy.

I recognize too easily the need to control. Two examples: He never stops struggling to make me do things he wants me to. He has his interests. Some of them we have in common. But he wants me to share ALL his interests with as strong an enthusiasm as his. He is so insisting that he puts pressure on me. And no matter what I say or think or want or not want, he never stops. One day over dinner, a few months ago now, he said that he had noticed that I sometimes became a little distant when he talked about a certain subject, and he wanted me to know that if I wasn't interested in hearing about it, it was ok. Then it was ok that I told him so. So, I said that I was not uninterested in the subject, but that he was more interested in that subject than I was, and that he often talked about it, so I probably sometimes got a little absent minded when he talked about it. I should never had said that. He immediately got a scary outburst that lasted for two hours. I said that I didn't see it as a problem that we don't have exactly the same interests in every single way, and that I didn't expect him to share ALL my interests. Fortunately, I said, we do have several common interests. He wrote down every word I had said on a piece of paper, pointed at it and shouted. This is war! You want war, he said. then I didn't say another word until he had calmed down. Another example is his mania for communicating with sms when we are not together. That is making me crazy. I have told him that I have things to do, and therefore I cannot answer all these messages all the time. He says he understands, but he keeps on doing it and expecting me to answer them. Last Thursday he had sent me only one message in the morning. The subject was really not important. It was about something he had heard on the radio and that he wanted to share with me. He knew that I was busy painting that day. At noon I sent him a message telling him that I looked forward to seeing him. That was too late. We had agreed that he should come to my place in the evening. But no. Now he didn't want to because I was silent and in a bad mood. He had been so terribly anxious, because he hadn't heard from me. Until noon.

Right now everything is fine and relaxed. For how long though?

What really scares me and makes me wonder is that though so many of you out there obviously are miserable in your relationships, and at the same time you are very conscious and aware of your situation, you still choose to stay, after years in misery. Is it that impossible to break up, or ... .?

[H0lding0n]

I've experienced the same type of behavior with my boyfriend he tries to make me jealous by letTing me know he talks to other girls are you text other girls he throws it in my face it tells me stories his way of testing me to see how much I love you it took me a long time to figure out I was supposed get upset and throw a fit for a long time I would say nothing act like it didn't bother me ignore the behavior and he took this as a sign that I didn't care now instead of throwing a jealous rage like he's looking for or ignoring the behavior like I used to I simply state the things that you are saying to me is very hurtful because I love you that usually takes care of the situation in the moment

[Lucky One]

I've experienced the same type of behavior with my boyfriend he tries to make me jealous by letTing me know he talks to other girls are you text other girls he throws it in my face it tells me stories his way of testing me to see how much I love you it took me a long time to figure out I was supposed get upset and throw a fit for a long time I would say nothing act like it didn't bother me ignore the behavior and he took this as a sign that I didn't care now instead of throwing a jealous rage like he's looking for or ignoring the behavior like I used to I simply state the things that you are saying to me is very hurtful because I love you that usually takes care of the situation in the moment

There is a really Fantastic Workshop in the Learning Centre Board about setting Borders - 59 pages long.

There is also a one page definition of what "TRUE LOVE" is in that workshop.

I'd like to encourage everyone, who hasn't read through the workshop yet, to do so.

I found it EXTREMELY helpful and AMAZINGLY informative. It was run by Skip - the founder of this website.

Best wishes to you all - your posts have also been helpful to me. Thanks so much for your input.

PS.

IN the Learning Centre - Boundaries - Living our Values : posted 13 May 2014

Click on "Most Popular Topics" when in the Learning Centre - Boundaries is No. 1 - Top Workshop.

Definition of Love or - Characteristics of a Healthy Intimate Relationship : by healinghome- is about half way through the 59 page workshop.

[Isa_lala]

I am quiet sure i posted something last night and I don't see it this morning. Has my post been put somewhere else by the moderator ?

[Lucky One]

I am quiet sure i posted something last night and I don't see it this morning. Has my post been put somewhere else by the moderator ?

1. Click on your profile.

2. Click on your last post under your profile

3.Check if the post that you are talking about is there.

4. Then click on the "Title" in that post, if it is there. You'll see which thread it went to.

5. If it's not in your profile-it hasn't been posted-I don't think. Finger / Keystroke problems!

6. If so, post again

[Isa_lala]

thank you lucky one. I probably did the wrong thing when posting

where can I find the workshop you speak about?

Harbour, I said than your BF is the twin of mine. My BF is soo controlling! Doesn't understand that I may don't like things as he does... .

same for SMS, he is compulsive! And if I don't answer, especially when I am alone at home at night, he gets so upset!

your question about why we are staying in such a relationship is so relevant. One of the reasons I kept hoping that the relationship will go better is that my BF and I have each a son and our sons are so getting along that I know it would be very heartbreaking if they were to not see each other anymore. His son is also loving me and he would miss me a lot.

another reason it that I know that my boyfriend would be devastated and I feel bad about it. Guilt... .

another reason is that I really don't know how the break up would go. I am a little bit afraid of his reaction because he may become so angry, so hurt, that he could be violent.

you see that we are in a similar situation... .

[Lucky One]

thank you lucky one. I probably did the wrong thing when posting

where can I find the workshop you speak about?

1. Click on Board

2. Go down to Learning Centre

3. Click on Workshop.

4. Click on Top Workshop or Most Read or Top stories - You'll see it - It's all by itself

5. Then click Boarders -- by Skip - it was in May 2014 I think - It's still the Top Workshop.

And Good Luck - Let me know if you found it.

I still have to find out How one can do a shorter link to an article - But don't worry I'll do it.

[Isa_lala]

thank you again!

[upsidedown_world]

Take2, thank you so much for your reply.

He didn't point at me with the knife when he picked it up. He pointed it towards the table for a few seconds and then put it back on the table, continuing shouting and cursing me. But you are right. It is not normal or reasonable behaviour. I never saw anyone doing a thing like that before. And I did feel my heart pounding and a tremble of my body. The first time he got an outburst was two months or so after we had started a relationship. It was totally unexpectedly. We hadn't had any argument or anything. That time he thumped the table with his fist. Another time we were lying in bed, side by side. The same rage. When he raised his arm and clenched his fist counting to ten, aloud, and thumped his pillow beside my head, I got really scared. When you are lying down in that situation you feel powerless. I remember thinking: No he wouldn't do it. He is not going to hit me. But I was terrified, and I thought I could just get out of bed and into another room. But I couldn't move. I was just lying still, being silent, and trying to keep eye contact with him as calmly I could. After the first time I thought that it wouldn't happen again, that he must have been scared himself of his behaviour. Wishful thinking. I know that now. And I expect it to happen again, no matter how careful I am in my own behaviour. And I must admit that I don't feel 100% safe. Right now, as I write this. I feel nervous. My body doesn't lie.

He is coming here tonight. He is calm and affectionate now. But ... .when is the next time something will trigger his rage?

What is your experience? Have you been in  a relationship with an abusive man, and was he violent to you? What did you do? Did you try to talk to him about it?

I can't understand his behaviour. Or maybe I can understand his rage out of what I have read about Borderline. But I can't understand how he can ignore his rage afterwards. As if nothing has happened. I don't believe that he has forgotten it. But how can he not be affected by it?

You don't have to understand his behavior.  You have to understand yours.  Seriously.  Why would you NOT be walking out the door permanently if you have these questions at this relatively early stage of the relationship?  Things don't "get better" with time.  You're still in the honeymoon phase.