Does making them jealous have any affect?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Yes, it can and does have an effect, sometimes enormous, on NORMAL people.

Surely we all know, that it is just basically wrong, to try to hurt someone on purpose, by doing things that could make them jealous.

Excessive jealousy destroys relationships. So why nurture it. Even if the relationship has ended.

I KNOW, I've just joined this Board from "Undecided" because of my uBPDw's and/or uNPDw's excessive, uncontrolled, deadly, raging, jealously and I wasn't even doing anything to make her jealous with intent.

Nor unintentionally! I'm not that sort of person. Just imagine if I was!

It will hurt you mostly, if you do it on purpose. Your conscience. Because deep down you know it's wrong. Perhaps, that's why you are asking the question, or perhaps you still haven't fully detached emotionally.

This is SO HARD to do. The hooks and claws go deep.

You'd Need to ask yourself, WHY would you want to do it? And then you may just consider yourself not a very nice person, if you did.

I don't feel that this is the way to sort things out - FOR YOURSELF.

Rather move on - and look for your TRUE LOVE.

But first define what YOUR "True Love" is.

Never go back to a toxic r/s. You are only going to get hurt some more!

Wishing you only the best. It's up to you, in your hands.

Well yes but still, that doesnt really answer what I'm curious about.  If making an exBPD jealous would affect them in anyway?

With all respect, I know all of this "Why does it matter" stuff, but it doesnt answer what I'm curious about at all :/.  So it doesnt help me.

[Algae]

Yes, it can and does have an effect, sometimes enormous, on NORMAL people.

Surely we all know, that it is just basically wrong, to try to hurt someone on purpose, by doing things that could make them jealous.

Excessive jealousy destroys relationships. So why nurture it. Even if the relationship has ended.

I KNOW, I've just joined this Board from "Undecided" because of my uBPDw's and/or uNPDw's excessive, uncontrolled, deadly, raging, jealously and I wasn't even doing anything to make her jealous with intent.

Nor unintentionally! I'm not that sort of person. Just imagine if I was!

It will hurt you mostly, if you do it on purpose. Your conscience. Because deep down you know it's wrong. Perhaps, that's why you are asking the question, or perhaps you still haven't fully detached emotionally.

This is SO HARD to do. The hooks and claws go deep.

You'd Need to ask yourself, WHY would you want to do it? And then you may just consider yourself not a very nice person, if you did.

I don't feel that this is the way to sort things out - FOR YOURSELF.

Rather move on - and look for your TRUE LOVE.

But first define what YOUR "True Love" is.

Never go back to a toxic r/s. You are only going to get hurt some more!

Wishing you only the best. It's up to you, in your hands.

Well yes but still, that doesnt really answer what I'm curious about.  If making an exBPD jealous would affect them in anyway?

With all respect, I know all of this "Why does it matter" stuff, but it doesnt answer what I'm curious about at all :/.  So it doesnt help me.

[Infared]

Yeah... go ahead... .make them jealous... .and stay around for the aftermath... .they will be so ruthlessly cruel to you that you would not have thought someone you loved could actually retaliate in such a rageful, hurtful manner.

Go ahead... .give it a shot.

I did nothing, was faithful, honest, etc. I do not get jealous or play those types of "GAMES"... .ever

... but my crazy-pants pwBPD somehow invented that I had... .and her behavior was just off the charts psycho. Just so, so ugly.

Go ahead. I dare you!  :-)

LOL! 

[freedom33]

Yeah... go ahead... .make them jealous... .and stay around for the aftermath... .they will be so ruthlessly cruel to you that you would not have thought someone you loved could actually retaliate in such a rageful, hurtful manner.

Go ahead... .give it a shot.

I did nothing, was faithful, honest, etc. I do not get jealous or play those types of "GAMES"... .ever

... but my crazy-pants pwBPD somehow invented that I had... .and her behavior was just off the charts psycho. Just so, so ugly.

Go ahead. I dare you!  :-)

LOL!  

Echo that - I had to watch my everystep not to make her jealous and she 'd still engage in punishing behaviours but never admit jealousy herself. In one of her more lucid moments and after couples therapy I said to her I know you are jealous sometimes, why don't you express it to me when that happens, when something bothers you so we can explore it together?" My intention is not to make her jealous but happy. She admits it (enlightment bells ringing) and says because I think you want to purposefully make me feel jealous (hence revenge takes over - she didnt say this last bit about revenge). This is exactly why I don't want to be doing... .I said to her it is in my own interests not to make you jealous and unhappy because if I do that I lose too in this game. She never liked me saying things like that - i.e. that it is in own best interests to make sure she is happy too and care about her wellbeing because in that way I get happiness through her happiness too. It was too selfish for her standards and expectations of what love should be way. And it is only one way and unconditional. I was to make a selfless sacrifice of myself in the BPD altar of unconditional surrender... .Ranting aimlessly - i better press post... .

[Lucky One]

Yes, it can and does have an effect, sometimes enormous, on NORMAL people.

Surely we all know, that it is just basically wrong, to try to hurt someone on purpose, by doing things that could make them jealous.

Excessive jealousy destroys relationships. So why nurture it. Even if the relationship has ended.

I KNOW, I've just joined this Board from "Undecided" because of my uBPDw's and/or uNPDw's excessive, uncontrolled, deadly, raging, jealously and I wasn't even doing anything to make her jealous with intent.

Nor unintentionally! I'm not that sort of person. Just imagine if I was!

It will hurt you mostly, if you do it on purpose. Your conscience. Because deep down you know it's wrong. Perhaps, that's why you are asking the question, or perhaps you still haven't fully detached emotionally.

This is SO HARD to do. The hooks and claws go deep.

You'd Need to ask yourself, WHY would you want to do it? And then you may just consider yourself not a very nice person, if you did.

I don't feel that this is the way to sort things out - FOR YOURSELF.

Rather move on - and look for your TRUE LOVE.

But first define what YOUR "True Love" is.

Never go back to a toxic r/s. You are only going to get hurt some more!

Wishing you only the best. It's up to you, in your hands.

Well yes but still, that doesnt really answer what I'm curious about.  If making an exBPD jealous would affect them in anyway?

With all respect, I know all of this "Why does it matter" stuff, but it doesnt answer what I'm curious about at all :/.  So it doesnt help me.

Who really knows what effect it will have. Even the experts!

Everyone behaves differently.

But are you really courageous enough, to go find out?

[Ihope2]

How emotionally mature is it to employ tactics like jealousy in a relationship?  You are just setting yourself up for nothing positive or healthy.

I know this doesn't answer your academic question, but I think the principle behind it is just wrong.

[Blimblam]

Yeah... go ahead... .make them jealous... .and stay around for the aftermath... .they will be so ruthlessly cruel to you that you would not have thought someone you loved could actually retaliate in such a rageful, hurtful manner.

Go ahead... .give it a shot.

I did nothing, was faithful, honest, etc. I do not get jealous or play those types of "GAMES"... .ever

... but my crazy-pants pwBPD somehow invented that I had... .and her behavior was just off the charts psycho. Just so, so ugly.

Go ahead. I dare you!  :-)

LOL! 

They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

[Lucky One]

How emotionally mature is it to employ tactics like jealousy in a relationship?  You are just setting yourself up for nothing positive or healthy.

I know this doesn't answer your academic question, but I think the principle behind it is just wrong.

Echo That

Doing the right thing - is always critically important.

To be absolutely truthful, we Nons also experience jealously. We just control and process it better - Perhaps!

How did we feel, last time when our partner (or Ex) made us REALLY jealous. BIG TIME. Intentionally or unintentionally.

What effect did it have on us. The emotions! Think about it for a while. Did it HURT us.

Maybe we'll get the answer, when we answer the effect, it has on us!

[rosannadanna]

If this was the seventh time she's dumped you, then it wasn't random.  Your relationship is defined by dramatic, erratic, disordered (but predictable) behavior patterns. 

What happened that caused you and her to reunite the last time?  It's likely that whatever it was will happen again and you guys will reunite if you play your part in the pattern. 

But maybe you are feeling anxiety and worry that she won't return (abandonment depression) so your mind is spinning scenarios to get her to come back (maybe if she sees I have value with other women she will return).

Like I said before, if you continue to play your part, it sounds like she will come around eventually whether you stress about it or not.

The question is, what are you going to do when she come around again?

[purpleavocado]

Jealously typically does have an effect on people in general, not just BPD. So yeah, of course it would have an effect. Just probably not the effect a 'normal' person would experience.

As with everything else, you should probably ask yourself "what is it I WANT to achieve here, and what is it that will actually happen?" I would guess most people here are of the opinion that it's definitely never a good idea to bait anyone, let alone a BPD person...

[Aussie0zborn]

I would suggest that making your ex pwBPD jealous would have two possible effects... .

1. pwBPD could rage with fury as  (A) it "proves" you were seeing someone else or, (B) that they didn't do a good enough job crushing and destroying you.

2. They would see you as a try-hard and ridicule you.

Mine did both with her ex. The fact that he married an Asian woman when he is not Asian himself was cause for her to ridicule him. I never told her that I thought the new wife was a good looker and hardly a  reason for her to ridicule him, no sirree! :-)

[Rise]

Well yes but still, that doesnt really answer what I'm curious about.  If making an exBPD jealous would affect them in anyway?

To answer your question to the best of my ability, yeah it's going to affect them, just as any emotion is going to affect them. One of the defining aspects of the disorder is powerful, intense, emotions. When they get happy, they get HAPPY. When they get sad, it's the end of the world.

(Quick aside: This is why my ex hated taking anti-depressants. Her emotions are always so powerful and defining in her life, that when they aren't screaming at her she feels like a shell of herself. She doesn't know how to handle emotional "quiet". Back to the original point of this post.)

If you're wondering in what way they are going to react to the jealousy, well there's no way for any of us here to know for sure. It's really going to come down to the individuals and their circumstances. They could become threatened or possessive and seek to reestablish a connection with us in an attempt to maintain control. They may become defensive and hurt and lash out at us in anger. Or they may become depressed and seek relief from their emotions by running headfirst into a new relationship or whatever else their "safety blanket" is. Or they could try and make us jealous in return. As I said, it depends on the individual and their circumstances.

And that's if you can make them jealous to begin with. Years ago I tried a few times to make my ex jealous with the new girls I was dating. Didn't work once. In fact, it was a relief for her. She felt like she no longer had to carry around the shame and guilt she associated with our break-up, because I had clearly "moved on", and (at least in her mind) should no longer be upset with her over anything that happened in our relationship. Besides my personal example, there's the chance that they may be too wrapped up in a new relationship to care what we are doing. Or we could be painted black, and they could be too mad to care. They could just be done with the relationship. Or a million other reasons why they may not get jealous in the first place.

Point is, trying to guess the emotional response of an impulsive, emotionally unstable individual is really at best going to be a crap shoot.

[Infared]

How emotionally mature is it to employ tactics like jealousy in a relationship?  You are just setting yourself up for nothing positive or healthy.

I know this doesn't answer your academic question, but I think the principle behind it is just wrong.

I agree completely!

[Blimblam]

How emotionally mature is it to employ tactics like jealousy in a relationship?  You are just setting yourself up for nothing positive or healthy.

I know this doesn't answer your academic question, but I think the principle behind it is just wrong.

I agree completely!

While I in many ways feel the same here's the thing.  The game

Exists people are playing the game we got played for not playing the game. 

[Infared]

How emotionally mature is it to employ tactics like jealousy in a relationship?  You are just setting yourself up for nothing positive or healthy.

I know this doesn't answer your academic question, but I think the principle behind it is just wrong.

I agree completely!

While I in many ways feel the same here's the thing.  The game

Exists people are playing the game we got played for not playing the game. 

Playing games is immature.

Playing games is not "having a relationship"

Playing games is not two adults loving one another.

It just a bunch of selfish, empty games? Nothing more.

[Blimblam]

How emotionally mature is it to employ tactics like jealousy in a relationship?  You are just setting yourself up for nothing positive or healthy.

I know this doesn't answer your academic question, but I think the principle behind it is just wrong.

I agree completely!

While I in many ways feel the same here's the thing.  The game

Exists people are playing the game we got played for not playing the game.  

Playing games is immature.

Playing games is not "having a relationship"

Playing games is not two adults loving one another.

It just a bunch of selfish, empty games? Nothing more.

People play games all the time and is how they relate.  Games are unavoidable but they don't have to be unhealthy. The danger is getting lured into playing unhealthy games.  Most personal empowerment type stuff I see out there is about how to win the game. While I think the solution is spreading awareness of what different games there are. The thing is these unhealthy games are so deeply ingrained into society they are nearly unavoidable.  

With my ex I was constantly attempting to expose the game she kept wanting to play.  

Look at this unhealthy game lets play another one and expose this to the light of day.  A non disordered person this may have worked.  

Even the I don't play games game falls right back into being a game.  It just takes trusting communication and open mindedness to work through the games to be self aware of the roles we fall into.

The main problem is when we forget they are games and we take them seriously with ill intent.

Initially in the early stages with my ex I made sure every game we played was self aware and satirical.  Exposing the games for what they were games so we could have a healthy relationship.  She was starting to catch on and was opening doors into her mind.  This led her to trust me. Unfortunately she dusregulated extremely badly and was institutionalized for a month and when she came back she was indoctrinated with their bs and was totally lost.

[Infared]

The topic is about making someone jealous so that they will want to be with you, or "want you" or whatever the needy need is.

This is immature, fear-based behavior. This is not the makings of a centered, loving relationship.

We are taking about having healthy relationships here... .aren't we?

[Blimblam]

The topic is about making someone jealous so that they will want to be with you, or "want you" or whatever the needy need is.

This is immature, fear-based behavior. This is not the makings of a centered, loving relationship.

We are taking about having healthy relationships here... .aren't we?

I agree with you here 100%.

The jealousy game is almost always unhealthy unless it can be exposed to the light of day and worked through.  Which I think of as the expose the unhealthy game  game and play another game.

[Algae]

The topic is about making someone jealous so that they will want to be with you, or "want you" or whatever the needy need is.

This is immature, fear-based behavior. This is not the makings of a centered, loving relationship.

We are taking about having healthy relationships here... .aren't we?

[/quote

Wrong. It's about curiosity as to see how they think.  They hurt us so why would we want them back.  And it's normal to wonder or have curious thoughts on what certain actions do.

[Blimblam]

The topic is about making someone jealous so that they will want to be with you, or "want you" or whatever the needy need is.

This is immature, fear-based behavior. This is not the makings of a centered, loving relationship.

We are taking about having healthy relationships here... .aren't we?

[/quote

Wrong. It's about curiosity as to see how they think.  They hurt us so why would we want them back.  And it's normal to wonder or have curious thoughts on what certain actions do.

It would make my ex chase like crazy and seek to ensure the attachment. At the end we went to some music shows and were dancing.  I am a good dancer and it attracted some hit chicks trying to get my attention this drove my ex to really try hard to get my attention.  If I had made a pass at these girls she probably would have seduced them to take them from me or hooked up with some other guy right then and there or got her revenge later.  Unless I went complete A-hole mode and got emotionally abusive with her amd kept her chasing. 

[Blimblam]

I also want to mention if I wasn't already so hurt by her devaluing I could have turned into threesomes on several occasions.  I was too deep in the fog and mind fudged though.  It really depends on the girl and your intention.  They play this game with or without you.  If they see other girls getting at you they will seek to make sure they have you as this raises your value in their eyes.

[Ihope2]

Just want to say I really appreciate all of the honesty here on this thread and I totally subscribe to the whole notion of "Transactional Analysis" and the games we all play in our lives and that we must expose these games and truthfully admit whether they are healthy for us and others, or not.

[Lucky One]

Just want to say I really appreciate all of the honesty here on this thread and I totally subscribe to the whole notion of "Transactional Analysis" and the games we all play in our lives and that we must expose these games and truthfully admit whether they are healthy for us and others, or not.

Well said.

The games definitely NOT healthy, for anyone.

These games can be extremely dangerous & even life threatening. By this I mean, that it can lead to and end up in suicide or murder.