Long time in posting...

[confusedandscared]

I haven't posted in such a long time and I have no clue where to start really.

Everyone here has been an amazing source of help over the past while, years since I started wondering if it was me or her. Now I know to a certain extent it was her, well, mostly. I had my issues.

I saw a movie last night, one that I had read the book of and never truly connected the dots with my own relationship, which is now well and truly over.

I suppose I had a luxury that I never knew I had, I could stop the madness by leaving a country I immigrated too and come home. Kind of drastic in a way that I felt the need to leave somewhere I fought hard to stay in to finally break a pattern. I had the ultimate get out clause, leave, not just leave the state but come back home, where I was born. So many things are sad that I decided to stay here, move back home so to speak, but alas it was the only way I knew how to stop everything, the cycle. I wasn't strong enough to stay away, I craved it, that something they have and possess. The sad thing is that while I was here trying to figure out if this was a holiday or if I would come back we actually were starting to figure stuff out, we were actually getting along, we saw eye to eye and I had a backbone again and didn't put up with her crap from a few thousand miles away.

Maybe I was wrong to stay, just to make clear I didn't stay home because I know I would always go back (even though I know I would) I miss family and friends, nearly 10 years away is a long time to be in a whirlwind.

I know right now I am healing but yet I miss her, it's been just over 3 weeks since no contact and a week and half since I stopped looking at her social media stuff, and that is so so so hard not to do. She is blocked on some but not all and I found myself looking, dissecting it wondering what the clues meant, if they were meant for me to hurt me or just general stuff. I feel ok, sort of for not looking and every day I make an effort not to look and try to get on with my life. After all it's been so long since I was home that I have to let myself heal and those wounds clear up, but yet I miss her, I miss her voice, even in those moments of rage I miss her voice and I don't know why.

I don't know why I miss her, I have no clue that after everything, all the break ups, all the harsh words I simply cannot understand why I miss her as much as I do. Every day I silently want to tell her how my day was, what I did and yet I know that it will only suck me back in and all the work I have done to remove myself will just suck me back in again.

I think back to the last conversation I had with her, she had some bad things to say to me, like dark soul or something like that. Up until that point my love for her was a real as it ever was, then after that something died in me. I sat there last night watching the movie connecting the dots, I saw my life in front of me, maybe not the most extreme stuff in it, but I saw that hatred swell and swell, that thing of my partner doesn't care who I am, what I am, all they want is a version of me that doesn't upset the boat, that toes the line no matter what, that always is aversion of perfect they created.

Yet I see it and I miss her and don't quite understand why I do.

Maybe it is the healing process, maybe the dreams I have been having every night for nearly three weeks of her mocking me, berating me are a sign of healing, of working things out in my head, I don't know.

All I know right now is that I miss her and would love to hear from her, or even better turn up and my doorstep and say sorry. The second part would never happen, so there is no fear of that.

Is there a reason my after nearly three weeks of NC would I want to contact or miss her?

This is more confusing than any other time any breakup has happened, and I know, feel this time it is permanent. That scares me, excites me and makes be so so so sad.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

It is only human to want to contact someone you were bonded with.  A pwBPD might be a mess but they are not pure evil; a pwBPD still has good things to miss among all the chaos.

After my split my dreams were filled with her.  For the first month, terrors.  Then pleasant dreams of her.  Lately I am not remembering my dreams upon waking.

Everyday I still wish she would come back and apologize for writing a scar across my heart.  I am still addicted to her even though at this very moment she is with somebody new.  I have never had so much trouble letting go.  A woman friend of mine has even been kind enough to show me much needed care.  That has helped tremendously but part of me still longs for my dysfunctional ex-fiance.

[confusedandscared]

Hi ReluctantSurv,

Thank you for the reply. My dreams have been horrible, for the past three weeks they have been. Everything from full out rage to humiliation of me on so many levels. I have put it down to my body healing, I don't know.

I do long for her to reach out to me but I know she won't, maybe this game is well and truly over and I can cover the scars on my heart and try to move on. the trouble is every single time I try I feel guilty, I feel connected to her in such a deep way that is near impossible for me t move on. None of my friends get it so it's hard to talk to them about things as all they say is time will heal. Sometimes I don't want that, I want her to turn up and my doorstep and tell me she has worked all her stuff out and we should get married.

I know that won't happen.

I am very addicted to her, and I have strictly forbade myself to look at her online stuff, nothing and some days its hard and others it kills me that I cannot look, won't look in case I see she has moved on with someone else, which I am assuming she has at this  point.

I also have never had such trouble letting go, and for the longest time I thought it was me, my issue in letting go. But it's not. Her love was all that I needed, it was the air that I breathed and still is. For goodness sake I still haven't deleted her phone number from my contacts (even then I know it by heart) or changed her name or blocked her. All in the vain attempt of hope that maybe someday she will contact me.

I also have had the kind grace of another female, one that gets it in a way, there is no romantic anything going on, but it is nice to get some positive female attention I suppose, one that won't judge or treat me like a throwaway something they find in their pocket while digging for change.

this board has helped me through some tough times, I realize that I may have issues but her issues are more than the sum of mine and maybe., just maybe her and I were always destined to hit that brick wall and destroy one another.

I just wish it wasn't as hard letting go as it is. It always has been letting her go and I know why on so many levels but I still question myself every second of every day.