It's hard to be off the A-list

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This is regarding my BPD father and my two sisters. 

My father must always be at odds with one child, while pumping the other ones up with gifts, money, etc.  (which is all clearly manipulation.)

I have always been "the good daughter" or "the apple of his eye" but through life and all the pain he has caused me, I have learned to buck up a bit.  However, I am still confused on how to act around him.  At times I get to the point where I just can't take any of his drama anymore and I loose it.  It's not often that I loose it but when I do, it's not too pretty.  That recently happened and now I have been on his crap list for quite sometime. 

It just kills me that a parent does not know about unconditional love for a child.  I really do feel so unloved.

He'll never get it, never.  So I am working on not playing his games.  I've had to learn boundaries when I was younger, check, but now I'm working on authenticity.  My dad can send me the meanest email and I can't stand up for myself because if I do there is hell to pay. So I just ignore it? Take it? He is just so mean. I'm just tired of it all.  I can know in my head that he is sick and its all an act based on his own fears but it still hurts the little girl inside me.

Thanks

[growing]

This is regarding my BPD father and my two sisters. 

My father must always be at odds with one child, while pumping the other ones up with gifts, money, etc.  (which is all clearly manipulation.)

I have always been "the good daughter" or "the apple of his eye" but through life and all the pain he has caused me, I have learned to buck up a bit.  However, I am still confused on how to act around him.  At times I get to the point where I just can't take any of his drama anymore and I loose it.  It's not often that I loose it but when I do, it's not too pretty.  That recently happened and now I have been on his crap list for quite sometime. 

It just kills me that a parent does not know about unconditional love for a child.  I really do feel so unloved.

He'll never get it, never.  So I am working on not playing his games.  I've had to learn boundaries when I was younger, check, but now I'm working on authenticity.  My dad can send me the meanest email and I can't stand up for myself because if I do there is hell to pay. So I just ignore it? Take it? He is just so mean. I'm just tired of it all.  I can know in my head that he is sick and its all an act based on his own fears but it still hurts the little girl inside me.

Thanks

[funfunctional]

There was this old song that you may be too young to remember.  "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places... .you keep on looking for love in all the wrong places".    Old country singer I think... .Johnny Lee.     

I think when we want someone to love us and be who they can't be... .it hurts.    Accepting that your dad isn't capable of functioning the way you would like may be a good start.   List out some nice qualities about him and focus on those.  Who knows maybe you even got a musical talent from him or learned how to cook something from him or have a memory of a moment in your life he DID do something nice for you.   

Keep yourself on the outside of the drama and try to imagine his dramas as little performances on his part to cope/deal with life in his disfunctional way.   I do believe that people develop coping mechanisms in life and some people just cope in nonsensical manners.   It is as if they are replaying the same emotional responses over and over like trained mice that don't know any other ways to deal/cope or can't cope.   Emotional baggage overload.     You can't fix someone else but what you can do is help yourself out by refusing to participate in the dramas. 

Also - building friendships, significant others, children, pets, and people! that make you feel good in life and allow you to grow and be successful in life.     You are worthy of love and will get it but the shape and form of the "stereotypical ideal of family" just isnt' happenign for a lot of people here.     

Envision a future of being surrounded by loving people! 

[HappyChappy]

Hi growing, you do seem remarkably well informed about your position. It is frustrating to say the least. You’re right there is no love, never will be, unlikely to be any loyalty (as we know it). And a BPD, especially an older one, is unlikely to change.

You asked “do I have to take this ?” the answer is no. But you do need to pick your battles. You say if you complain “there will be hell to pay.” Could this be your F.O.G. working ?  If he sends an abusive e-mail, how much hell can he give you by e-mail ? You have no Obligation to respond, you can screen his calls. Better still you have written proof of his abuse. My BPDm avoids witting anything down, she prefers to say abusive things to me when there’s no one to overhear, so we’re never alone. I insist on e-mail contact, no phone. Slows her down a bit. They say it helps to grieve the loss of the farther you should have had as a child. May the truth set you free.  

[growing]

Thank you both for replying to my post.  It really does help! Fun functional, you hit the nail on the head with your post, also I have not been able to get that song out of my head since!

Happy Chappy, thanks for the reminder with boundaries like screening calls etc.  These BPD folks are so incredibly manipulative. I know when I get sucked in that usually means I need to work on myself, get stronger and try not to react, thanks!