Feeling lost - need help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Okay. So lately things have been stabilizing between my uBPDw and me. But my S8 is struggling with more and more of his own dysregulated behaviors. He's happy one moment and then in a full blown rage the next. He is blaming everyone for how he feels and threatening to break windows, hurt his brother, S3, hurt us and basically has zero self soothing/calming skills. He also refuses or pushes away when my wife or I or anyone else attempt to help him when he's dysregulated. He's been like this since he was very young (maybe 4). He was significantly colicky as a baby.

I am increasingly convinced as I look back at his infant to toddler years that he had very poor attachment to his mom. And I love him so very much, and this is breaking my heart seeing BPD traits in my beautiful, sweet boy. Honestly, I feel a lot of anxiety and panic right now. I have been using SET with him regularly, and it seems to help in the moment though not always. I am also trying to develop boundaries around his acting out. But I don't think this is improving. It sucks.

I learned in a NAMI family to family class that, with living with someone who has a mental illness, you are dealing with the loss of the attributes you love, and on top of that, you are confronted with a host of added behaviors that have to be navigated. And that's what I am seeing. I feel like his added behaviors of helplessness, rage, blame and stuck thinking are becoming more manifest and his beautiful curiosity, quickness, adaptability and intelligence are being whittled away. I don't think I can bear losing my son to this, now. He is so young, and this is so unfair. I feel like I am letting him down, even though I know it's his brain function and environment.

And it's not like I can coach my wife to stop making it worse with him because she just spins off on her own dysregulation. She invalidates, blames and then makes it all about her. I don't know what to do.

Feel like I need some kind support right now.

[takingandsending]

Okay. So lately things have been stabilizing between my uBPDw and me. But my S8 is struggling with more and more of his own dysregulated behaviors. He's happy one moment and then in a full blown rage the next. He is blaming everyone for how he feels and threatening to break windows, hurt his brother, S3, hurt us and basically has zero self soothing/calming skills. He also refuses or pushes away when my wife or I or anyone else attempt to help him when he's dysregulated. He's been like this since he was very young (maybe 4). He was significantly colicky as a baby.

I am increasingly convinced as I look back at his infant to toddler years that he had very poor attachment to his mom. And I love him so very much, and this is breaking my heart seeing BPD traits in my beautiful, sweet boy. Honestly, I feel a lot of anxiety and panic right now. I have been using SET with him regularly, and it seems to help in the moment though not always. I am also trying to develop boundaries around his acting out. But I don't think this is improving. It sucks.

I learned in a NAMI family to family class that, with living with someone who has a mental illness, you are dealing with the loss of the attributes you love, and on top of that, you are confronted with a host of added behaviors that have to be navigated. And that's what I am seeing. I feel like his added behaviors of helplessness, rage, blame and stuck thinking are becoming more manifest and his beautiful curiosity, quickness, adaptability and intelligence are being whittled away. I don't think I can bear losing my son to this, now. He is so young, and this is so unfair. I feel like I am letting him down, even though I know it's his brain function and environment.

And it's not like I can coach my wife to stop making it worse with him because she just spins off on her own dysregulation. She invalidates, blames and then makes it all about her. I don't know what to do.

Feel like I need some kind support right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[sweetheart]

Hello t and s,  ,

We have a s6 and his father has BPD and Paranoid Schizophrenia, and whilst he had been largely unaffected by his fathers illness, I too noticed a change in his behaviour this year.

When my husband started to seriously unravel he was 5, so I knew I had to act. I involved the school straight away making them aware that his father is mentally ill. They allocated a named support person for him to speak to whenever he wants. As of this new term I asked if they could formalise it and they are paying for a play therapist whom he sees every Monday. Our son has been involved in this and is delighted that he has someone for him. He knows I see a T and it's on the same day as him. he is fully aware that his father has a  P etc.

He is also linked in to a local Young Carers Play Group, and whilst he does not care for his father he has to caretake him emotionally. At this group he mixes with other children who have parents with mental health needs.

I have been honest and open about his fathers illness with him, keeping it simple and child led is key.

Having a mother with BPD most be so so difficult and your son is letting you know he needs some help. Start with your family doctor and get him to refer your son for an assessment, the school can do the same. ( I am in the UK )

The other thing is that your son is too young emotionally to fully understand the techniques we use for our SO. Children act out behaviourally because they cannot verbalise the emotion, your sons emotional cues and triggers will be skewed, you already know this but it does not mean he has BPD.

I cannot imagine how you must feel it must be awful, but your son is young so act quickly - a play therapist will work really well for his age.

Sorry if the response is a bit wordy I was rushing whilst son eats breakfast.

Take really good care of yourself and remember there is lots of help available for your son.

[MissyM]

Sweetheart, it is very difficult when we see the effect our BPDs have on the kids.  My 9 year old twins are in therapy and it has helped them, immensely.  The therapist talks to them and doesn't explain the BPD or addictions but that their Dad has some things he is working on.  She also helps them with skills not to dysregulate themselves.  My daughter is the one that I can see some BPD traits in, the therapist says that she is young enough, and the symptoms are mild enough, that intervention now will make a huge difference.  My husband is not the children's biological father (we used donor sperm) but the environment of having a BPD parent has affected them.  My son tends to be codependent.  Some of their issues are from being twins and some are from having a BPD father.  Either way, I definitely believe in early intervention.

[Rapt Reader]

I also encourage you to get him evaluated and in some sort of Counseling or Therapy, as the mother of a BPD son who wasn't diagnosed with BPD until the age of 36 (he wasn't diagnosed with anything until the relatively late age of almost 21, when he saw a Psychiatrist who gave him his ADD diagnosis, along with Clinical Depression and Social Anxiety).

His whole young life was a terrible struggle, starting with what I assumed was colic as an infant, and it continued on to the typical BPD symptoms and behaviors as the years went on. Until last year, with the BPD dx and subsequent treatments--and his now ongoing recovery, good health and happiness (at last!).

I concur with everything that sweetheart and MissyM are suggesting, takingandsending... .