Avoiding Triangulation / Dating Sites

[Aussie0zborn]

I met my stbx UBPDw on a dating site. I couldn't read the red flags back then and I had never heard of BPD. After the final separation and finding this forum I learned a lot about red flags, BPD and how dating sites are full of them. So I joined up again.

Wow - what an eye opener that was... .the red flags were incredible, just jumping out of the screen and poking me in the eye - this was BPD city! So I contacted some of them, especially the ones that said "I enjoy the finer things in life" just like my ex. I told them I enjoyed the finer things in life too, and once I told them what they wanted to hear and got their interest I asked if they could actually afford these things themselves? They couldn't (and now, neither can I).

One lady who I met for coffee, had breasts bigger than her head and she didn't mind showing them off. She interrupted me half way through my funny story to tell me that she loved sex. No, she really really loved sex. I paused, and then finished my story. She reminded me of my ex and I never saw her again.

But the real good one was the one who was mad keen, with a very good job, could afford the finer things in life and lived in a very nice part of this fair city. Just as we were about to meet there was "a little complication"... .she received contact from an ex and just wanted to "be honest" with me. She wanted to keep the communication going online while she sorted that out. From my own recent experiences with triangulation, I suggested she sort it out and give me a call at some point. I would not be hanging around as a reserve, suggesting that I didn't want to interfere or distract her.

This business of lining them up in case the current love interest doesn't come good reminds me of BPD - either rightly or wrongly. There were many other examples too.

Has anyone experienced any of these things on dating sites, especially being triangulated in this way?

[purpleavocado]

I think that a lot (not all) of people on dating sites are at the end of relationships or in the very early stages of a breakup. I wouldn't necessarily say that was healthy, but I wouldn't necessarily say it's BPD either. The interruption to tell you how much she likes sex is DEFINITELY crazy and shows she has boundary issues for sure.

Thing is, I think after being in such messed up relationships, our spidey senses tingle quickly. Personally, I'm listening to mine this time and would advise you to do the same! You're feeling that way FOR A REASON and many of us got into BPD relationships because we ignored those feelings and got sucked in.

I briefly tried online dating and stupidly gave out my phone number to text two women who seemed nice and normal enough. It quickly became apparent that they were clingy and crazy. We never met. I'm not into texting relative strangers all day long and hearing from them every morning with "good morning" texts felt like too much. It felt a bit like my ex, the whole jumping in too fast thing (one of them even said 'maybe next year at this time you'll be going to this family event with me!' uh, no, we haven't even met yet.)

I am extremely wary of online dating; I also met my exBPD online, but not on a dating site.

[RedDove]

Hey Aussie, yes I've had a similar experience when I recently joined a dating site. Like Anad said, our spidey senses or BPD glasses are now on due to our experience with our ex BPD's.

When I receive messages or even a wink and read a profile I can now see right through to the signs. With guys profiles they talk about fairy tale love, the one and only. BUT, their profiles have lots of "I's" in them... .meaning I want, I need, etc. = me, me, me and likely BPD.

My ex BPDbf actually broke NC (initiated by me) on a dating site I joined recently. He actually had the audacity to send me a message. It said how great my Profile was and how absolutely gorgeous my pics were. I threw the idealization back in his face via a message and based upon some advice from a member here. It made me feel strong, in control and like I had a voice again! Haven't heard a peep from my ex BPDbf since. Recycle attempt thwarted! 

When I looked at my ex BPDbf's user id, headline and profile, I was like oh my, how did I ever fall for this guy! The user id was something like UrDogWontBeScaredByMyLooks. In the Profile it was all about finding the "one", the "perfect" woman, one without multiple dogs/pets, and someone who is "nuts" about him. Really crazy! Cause the only "nut" is him! Lol!

Little back story... .He cheated on me, had the OW in the wings a few months before I ended it. I confronted him and ended it back in June. Apparently the OW he jumped to after me must have multiple dogs or pets. She must have given them attention and well, we know giving attention to others is not allowed by a partner with BPD.

I unblocked his Facebook account for a day just out of curiosity and guess what? The OW is still in his list of friends. So he's about to devalue/discard her (lasted only 3-4 months), or triangulate her. Likely she has no clue what she's dealing with. I feel pity for her and the next women that get lured in. But, I am glad I got out and am moving forward with my life.