Something I just remembered

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My exbf and I knew each other for awhile prior to our relationship. We weren't really friends, more like friendly acquaintances. He was friends with my best friends husband so we saw each other relatively often but never really talked much.

Anyway, one night we had all gone dancing and that was the night he asked for my number. I gave it to him and we began texting. This went on for maybe a week or so and then he said that he wanted to come over and see me. I said sure. This would be the first time we had ever been alone together.

When he got there, he immediately raced toward me and started trying to kiss me. It was weird and it was ick and I was like, wth? This wasn't that fun guy I had gotten to know. I think he sensed my reaction because he immediately stopped acting like an aggressive neanderthal and suddenly began acting like an awkward, uncomfortable goof. Again. I was like, wth? WHO is this?

I started talking, trying to put him at ease. I remember, he was making me very uncomfortable because it all felt so weird. All of a sudden, he shifted into that fun guy I knew. I relaxed a bit, we chatted a little longer and he left.

Later that night, I was talking to my best friend and she asked how his visit had gone. I remember telling her how it had felt weird to me, off and as if he didn't really like me, that he just wanted to be with someone. We chalked it up to him just seeing me in a different setting and it being the first time he and I had ever been alone carrying on a conversation.

Looking back, I see that the neanderthal and the awkward goof were probably masks he was trying on for me since he didn't know me well.

I kind of feel sick.

[crookedeuphoria]

My exbf and I knew each other for awhile prior to our relationship. We weren't really friends, more like friendly acquaintances. He was friends with my best friends husband so we saw each other relatively often but never really talked much.

Anyway, one night we had all gone dancing and that was the night he asked for my number. I gave it to him and we began texting. This went on for maybe a week or so and then he said that he wanted to come over and see me. I said sure. This would be the first time we had ever been alone together.

When he got there, he immediately raced toward me and started trying to kiss me. It was weird and it was ick and I was like, wth? This wasn't that fun guy I had gotten to know. I think he sensed my reaction because he immediately stopped acting like an aggressive neanderthal and suddenly began acting like an awkward, uncomfortable goof. Again. I was like, wth? WHO is this?

I started talking, trying to put him at ease. I remember, he was making me very uncomfortable because it all felt so weird. All of a sudden, he shifted into that fun guy I knew. I relaxed a bit, we chatted a little longer and he left.

Later that night, I was talking to my best friend and she asked how his visit had gone. I remember telling her how it had felt weird to me, off and as if he didn't really like me, that he just wanted to be with someone. We chalked it up to him just seeing me in a different setting and it being the first time he and I had ever been alone carrying on a conversation.

Looking back, I see that the neanderthal and the awkward goof were probably masks he was trying on for me since he didn't know me well.

I kind of feel sick.

[Inside]

I was like, wth? WHO is this?

It was whichever act you responded to…  They are fake.  Life is an act for pwBPD.  That’s why their r/s’s don’t last.  They eventually burnout or tire from the act, let down their guard, and we get a glimpse of their ugly, if real side.  As their act continues to fall apart, they assume it’s only a matter of time before we see them for who they really are, and act accordingly (leave them). 

My uBPDgf of 3.5 years was someone different in every setting.  What was weird is that I liked the ‘real’ her … kinda spoiled and demanding…  So I’d encourage her to ‘be herself’ and that I’d back her up in social settings.  But she thought of herself as evil, ugly, unworthy, uneducated… and though not (totally) true, she’d continue to put on an act.

…it got so mixed up… as she seemed to eventually dislike the fact I liked the version of her she worked so hard to conceal from the world. 

Your guy was trying on several faces, with the initial aggression likely being the closest to real.  When that didn’t work, he quickly tried on something else…  If you’re no longer with him – you win, you’re free.  I believe they’re truly seeking love, beyond sex, but there’s that dysfunctional portion of their brain that keeps them from achieving an adult r/s … and we need more than they’re capable of sustaining, no matter how good an actor they are

[tired-of-it-all]

Inside is right.  He was testing to see what you would like.  Which person he should be to meet your needs and sucker you in.  I wish I had known that this is how it works.  It is really very sad.  They are pitiful people.  They are also, "NOT MY PROBLEM".  I have to continually remind myself of that.

[Deeno02]

It was all good until I "screwed up" then I got the real treatment. FML. That lady crushed me like a walnut... .totally sad and fearful to see her or hear from her or see her and the replacement she got the day after dumping me... .

[Inside]

Deeno02,

She treated you like she treats herself, and like she’ll treat the next guy.  BPD’s who don’t outright ‘attempt’ suicide appear to commit it emotionally instead.  They kill their relationships … which unfortunately include us.  

I think they hope that if they make a big enough BANG -- it will throw us far enough back for them to scurry off unnoticed … while we’re dazed and broken…  

It’s not you/ us – we’ve nothing to do with their decision to blow up the r/s.  …and if we have any effect, it’s as likely to be them feeling ‘engulfed’ by our healthy loving closeness …thus triggering them to bolt.  It’s a no-win situation and we’re far from in charge.  If she planned to hurt you – don’t let her, or limit the damage as best you can.  If she didn’t plan it, then she’s not even in control.  Either way, it needs to be over.  

It hurts like hell after you’ve swallowed the hook … I know, and I’m afraid it’s just going to have to rust inside us cuz it’s too deep to extract…  But – we’re free, we’re loose, and we’ll heal.  She won’t, she can’t, she’s doomed … no matter how fast she runs or who appears to be helping her escape.

Live on, for all who can and do love you.  You reached the limit of her love …not yours.  Pity her, miss her, even continue to love her in your heart … but make it stay done, then trudge toward the light.  I hadn’t even met mine by your age, Deeno…  She’s not the end of your life – life is bigger than her!  And next time, you’re gonna know how to sidestep that kinda poison.  Me, too.

[Deeno02]

Thanks Inside. Being alone at 50 is pretty scary. I had already been divorced for 2 years when I had met her after her husband of 15 years left her(driven away?). Got her through the divorce and death of her mother, loved her 5 kids to death. I have my faults and I claim them. But what Im finding out is no matter the slight towards her, however minor, its a pretty big deal and adds a check mark next to me into the bad column. I noticed her emotional involvement decrease as time progressed until I finally got the last treat me special or else ultimatum. That made me go NC for a week while I thought this out. Thought the old adage absence makes the heart grow fonder thing may work to get her to understand. All it did was, when I did contact her to try and make her understand how I feel, I got the Im done with you. Had to find out from my son(who is friends with hers) that she started seeing the replacement a day after she dumped me. My biggest fear is recycling attempts. Afraid of weakness, but then I remember the bad, including insulting my daughter who loved her to death, and I snap out of it.

[Inside]

Thanks Inside. Being alone at 50 is pretty scary. I had already been divorced for 2 years when I had met her after her husband of 15 years left her(driven away?).

Yah, Deeno, it’s important you remember the ugly stuff as well.  I think, as good people (of course never perfect), we’re willing to overlook their faults and treat them as though they’re capable of a deep and lasting r/s.  And, they pretend as much, often dragging us quickly to what feels like a deeper level.  So we’re thrown off by their appearance of normal and their light-speed bolt toward …everything!  And as you age I think it’s even more addictive, everything!

But the key, to me, is their ultimate inability to maintain what it is they’ve drug us into, including marriage, children and families…  The attitude my BPgf had, and I think actually believed, was that “I was finally the one!”  She did her best... .  But because of her condition, the r/s began to break down, just as all those before…  I didn’t understand her pattern (or condition), and after a 29 year marriage myself, I realize there’s some work involved.  But my uBPDx had seen this many times, simply assumed another r/s and dissolved, then pushed the destruct button, hard.

Into my fifties, and not wanting to start over, especially after how far we’d seemed to progress, I allowed myself to be recycled – X 7.  But with each re-connect, the r/s dwindled, never lasting as long, and never trusting each other to the same extent. 

I understand why many around here marry them, but I could easily envision what ‘our marriage’ would have turned into, fast.  They can’t be fixed, but I think we can.  Our wounds are deep, but theirs are permanent.  And, they’ve done this over and over and ov…... and are bound to be experts at deception; I’m not.  Their pattern includes latching on fast to a replacement, and as much as being alone pains us - it nearly kills them… 

I view pwBPD learning early in life that they’re not normal, and can’t be.  So they devise strategies of coping to navigate society the best they can.  They know they are living a lie, but will rarely if ever admit it – that lie is the foundation of their existence.  When we get close to discovering it, or their limitations, they figure it’s time to move on.  Hell, the deception necessary to have already groomed our replacement is proof they know where it’s headed!  That’s why they’re constantly trolling for a fresh supply.

They loved us as long as they could…  We hurt because we’re capable of so much more.  They’re out there, and hopefully my kids, siblings and immediate family & friends will now be aware of something called Borderline Personality Disorder.  If they’ve paid attention – they may avoid the pain we’re experiencing.  Like a virus, BP’s are a fact of human existence.  I only hope their condition becomes more familiar to the public in general, thus they’re squeezed into some form of treatment sooner than later.  Take what you’ve learned, learn all you can, and spread the word.  Ultimately, you’d be doing everyone a favor, even pwBPD.  I still feel very sorry for them, if more so than us… 

Heal ~