Guys i could really do with your help

[jammo1989]

Im 4 weeks into NC with an ex BPD that dumped me, then started a relationship 2 days after trying to pull me back in, she blocked me from all forms of communication apart from Gmail, She was one of my close friends in high school many years ago, and she found me 10 years later on FB which led to a 2 year relationship.  I have an incredible urge to email her, even though she has a bf, but NOT because i love her or want her back, but i personally feel that a lot of us feel the way we do because, we feel as if we didnt mean anything to them, Id love to have her as my friend again, no intentions attached, I feel as if I had her in my life again I would feel as if i meant something, almost validated.  I know how BPD works, so i know some may reply with, she didnt love you, she treated you like crap so why the hell do you want her in your life? but I feel like I want to feel as if those 2 years of my life meant something.   

[Blimblam]

Hey man

I understand i have the same inclination as well. As you said yourself though you want to be validated that it meant something by her.  If you look to her for this validation she will let you down this is part of the unhealthy cycle we get stuck in. Looking for validation from outside ourselves. I struggle with this constantly.

When this sort of energy rises into my head it turns into rumination and is hard to break the cycle.  I've decided to implement a mantra to break the thought process and them Attempt to focus on the somatic aspects that co occur with the thoughts.  It's not easy and usually builds up to a critical point of overwhelming me before I can harness it.  It's painfull. Sometimes I can feel like I'm screaming inside.  The screams of te banshee before a part if me dies and is reborn. 

[jammo1989]

Hey man

I understand i have the same inclination as well. As you said yourself though you want to be validated that it meant something by her.  If you look to her for this validation she will let you down this is part of the unhealthy cycle we get stuck in. Looking for validation from outside ourselves. I struggle with this constantly.

When this sort of energy rises into my head it turns into rumination and is hard to break the cycle.  I've decided to implement a mantra to break the thought process and them Attempt to focus on the somatic aspects that co occur with the thoughts.  It's not easy and usually builds up to a critical point of overwhelming me before I can harness it.  It's painfull. Sometimes I can feel like I'm screaming inside.  The screams of te banshee before a part if me dies and is reborn. 

Its so hard man! why cant they just keep us in their lives? I see what your saying ill either get no response from her or ill get a eff off! us NONs cant win.  What really bothers me is the fact that, i was extremely close to her 2 children, and if she can just cut people out of her and their lives surely thats going to mess them up psychologically.  Thank you for telling me how you deal with unhealthy urge.  We just want to feel as if the time we spent with them was real, deleting someone out of your life, even for a NON is cruel.

[Infern0]

Friends thing doesn't work.

Trust me I got lured in with "we can be friends" then her current bf got devalued and she's reidealized me and now I'm on the edge of the whirlpool again.

It just doesn't work the same way with the BPD. If you emotionally detatch they want you back.  It's weird.

I'd say get out,  your brain is lying to you,  it won't end well because you'll either be reidealized or devalued. Getting reidealized does your head in,  it feels good but then when you get away for a bit you start remembering what you are dealing with.

Just get out if you can

[freedom33]

Hey Jammo. I am sorry to read about your situation. It sounds like you feel abandoned and discarded. I won't give you the usual BPD bashing sermon. Instead I 'd suggest you try and make something of your 2 year experience for yourself. Look into yourself and stay with your feelings. Don't look for friendship from the person that betrayed you. That's a double betrayal and this time you will be betraying your own self. That's much worse. Be your own best friend and take care of you. The meaning and validation of our experience can only come from within us if it is to amount to anything real. This way we own our life and write our own history. No one can take this away from us. The scars become ours and part of our beauty. Honour them like the Japanese do with Kintsugi. Good luck buddy. You will be allright.

[jammo1989]

Thank you for the responses guys it means a lot, love this community! I think your right about the whirpool my friend, 2 days before she got into this new relationship, she gave me a hickey, kissed me, cuddled me, cried and was saying things like, do you think its possible to love 2 people at the same time? (i didnt know what she meant by that at the time) she then said, id still sleep with you cos your fit, then 2 days later BOOM! FB official with the new guy and blocked from everything.  Its weird because ive helping others about BPD on my philosophy on how to get over an ex topic on the forum.  But when it comes to me trying to understand my situation my head just explodes.  Some people say, yeah a girl can turn off within a relationship before it ends, which is true, BUT healthy woman do not act that way before they block you.  They would become distant and cold, so why do BPDs literally try to pull you back in before jumping straight into a new relationship?

[Blimblam]

Hey man

I understand i have the same inclination as well. As you said yourself though you want to be validated that it meant something by her.  If you look to her for this validation she will let you down this is part of the unhealthy cycle we get stuck in. Looking for validation from outside ourselves. I struggle with this constantly.

When this sort of energy rises into my head it turns into rumination and is hard to break the cycle.  I've decided to implement a mantra to break the thought process and them Attempt to focus on the somatic aspects that co occur with the thoughts.  It's not easy and usually builds up to a critical point of overwhelming me before I can harness it.  It's painfull. Sometimes I can feel like I'm screaming inside.  The screams of te banshee before a part if me dies and is reborn. 

Its so hard man! why cant they just keep us in their lives? I see what your saying ill either get no response from her or ill get a eff off! us NONs cant win.  What really bothers me is the fact that, i was extremely close to her 2 children, and if she can just cut people out of her and their lives surely thats going to mess them up psychologically.  Thank you for telling me how you deal with unhealthy urge.  We just want to feel as if the time we spent with them was real, deleting someone out of your life, even for a NON is cruel.

Jammo

Dude I know.  Let's flip that statement around.  Why can't I keep her in my life?  You know why because you get lost in the vortex.  

She projected her inner hatred onto you and now you represent the aspects of her self she is in denial and running away from.  It's about her own internal drama not you.  But through projective identification you feel it the parts of herself she projected into you and soaked it up like a an old tampon she discarded. Except she doesn't recognize the discharge as her own because it's a part of you now.  

It's a living hell I know. Almost indescribable. I don't handle it as gracefully as I describe. The rumination a and desperation often get the best of me.  This is why I've decided to start implementing the mantra.  

I felt everything going on in my ex everything.  It was so confusing and drove me mad.  Litteraly madness complete with a nervous breakdown and schizotypAl hallucinations. This is what she is avoiding feeling and it's no wonder.  Borderline they are in the border of schizophrenia and paranoia with a heavy dose of avoidance.  The only way to really understand it is to go into madness.  Through my interaction with her I've been on both sides.  

I'm going to start a thread on mantras as I really feel they are the best way to replace the seemingly unstoppable ruminations that work one into an internal frenzy of FOG confusion and misery.

[jammo1989]

Dude I know.  Let's flip that statement around.  Why can't I keep her in my life?  You know why because you get lost in the vortex.  

She projected her inner hatred onto you and now you represent the aspects of her self she is in denial and running away from.  It's about her own internal drama not you.  But through projective identification you feel it the parts of herself she projected into you and soaked it up like a an old tampon she discarded. Except she doesn't recognize the discharge as her own because it's a part of you now.  

It's a living hell I know. Almost indescribable. I don't handle it as gracefully as I describe. The rumination a and desperation often get the best of me.  This is why I've decided to start implementing the mantra.  

I felt everything going on in my ex everything.  It was so confusing and drove me mad.  Litteraly madness complete with a nervous breakdown and schizotypAl hallucinations. This is what she is avoiding feeling and it's no wonder.  Borderline they are in the border of schizophrenia and paranoia with a heavy dose of avoidance.  The only way to really understand it is to go into madness.  Through my interaction with her I've been on both sides.  

I'm going to start a thread on mantras as I really feel they are the best way to replace the seemingly unstoppable ruminations that work one into an internal frenzy of FOG confusion and misery. [/quote]
Such a clear and precise response, thank you for this, I think your right in order to understand these people you have to risk your own sanity, and it goes against everything positive our parents taught us from birth.  The vortex is such a powerful way of describing the emotional distress these people carry over us even after the break up.  I would love to read some of your mantra posts when youve started the thread! Thank you again!

[fred6]

Im 4 weeks into NC with an ex BPD that dumped me, then started a relationship 2 days after trying to pull me back in, she blocked me from all forms of communication apart from Gmail, She was one of my close friends in high school many years ago, and she found me 10 years later on FB which led to a 2 year relationship.  I have an incredible urge to email her, even though she has a bf, but NOT because i love her or want her back, but i personally feel that a lot of us feel the way we do because, we feel as if we didnt mean anything to them, Id love to have her as my friend again, no intentions attached, I feel as if I had her in my life again I would feel as if i meant something, almost validated.  I know how BPD works, so i know some may reply with, she didnt love you, she treated you like crap so why the hell do you want her in your life? but I feel like I want to feel as if those 2 years of my life meant something.   

Jammo1989, our stories have a lot in common. I've known my uxBPD since the 4th grade, that's 30 years ago. She left and went to a different school in the 9th grade in 1989. Caught back up with her 22 years later on facebook in 2011. We started dating and 6 months later I was moved in with her and her 2 kids. For 3 years, up until around last April everything seemed fine. There were warning signs and red flags, but you know how that works, . Anyhow, I'm only 12 days NC, but the breakup happened in the middle of July. So before I moved out 2 weeks ago, I had to live with her for 2 months after being split black. Let me tell you, that $hit wasn't fun. I have never been treated like that by anyone in my life. Don't get my wrong, I still miss her, her 2 kids, and the cat. But as much as I miss them, I know deep down that it will never work out going forward. She has done and said too much. Maybe if she was a "normal" person, there might be a chance to work it out. But she ain't a normal person. I still can't wrap my head around some of this stuff. I just lost the woman I love, a best friend and lover, someone that I've known for 30 years and her kids and that damn cat(I love you freddy wherever you are). So I know where you're coming from. The whole relationship, it all feels like it's just wasted time and a lie.

[jammo1989]

Im 4 weeks into NC with an ex BPD that dumped me, then started a relationship 2 days after trying to pull me back in, she blocked me from all forms of communication apart from Gmail, She was one of my close friends in high school many years ago, and she found me 10 years later on FB which led to a 2 year relationship.  I have an incredible urge to email her, even though she has a bf, but NOT because i love her or want her back, but i personally feel that a lot of us feel the way we do because, we feel as if we didnt mean anything to them, Id love to have her as my friend again, no intentions attached, I feel as if I had her in my life again I would feel as if i meant something, almost validated.  I know how BPD works, so i know some may reply with, she didnt love you, she treated you like crap so why the hell do you want her in your life? but I feel like I want to feel as if those 2 years of my life meant something.   

Jammo1989, our stories have a lot in common. I've known my uxBPD since the 4th grade, that's 30 years ago. She left and went to a different school in the 9th grade in 1989. Caught back up with her 22 years later on facebook in 2011. We started dating and 6 months later I was moved in with her and her 2 kids. For 3 years, up until around last April everything seemed fine. There were warning signs and red flags, but you know how that works, . Anyhow, I'm only 12 days NC, but the breakup happened in the middle of July. So before I moved out 2 weeks ago, I had to live with her for 2 months after being split black. Let me tell you, that $hit wasn't fun. I have never been treated like that by anyone in my life. Don't get my wrong, I still miss her, her 2 kids, and the cat. But as much as I miss them, I know deep down that it will never work out going forward. She has done and said too much. Maybe if she was a "normal" person, there might be a chance to work it out. But she ain't a normal person. I still can't wrap my head around some of this stuff. I just lost the woman I love, a best friend and lover, someone that I've known for 30 years and her kids and that damn cat(I love you freddy wherever you are). So I know where you're coming from. The whole relationship, it all feels like it's just wasted time and a lie.

Wow my friend thats a long time, i cant begin to imagine how strong you are to go through that, for that long.  Its strange how these people just pop back into our lives isnt it? I was 15 when i had my high school crush on my now ex BPD, she left out the blue to go into foster care, then 10 years later starts liking pictures on my FB, a very surreal experience! I couldnt agree more with you, i dont miss her in the sense i want her back, but i miss my best friend over those 2 years and i miss her 3 year old daughter so much! Being split black and still living there, the thought of it gives me shivers.  We all come out of relationships and think maybe it wasnt meant to be, but witj these ones we are left thinking what the hell just happened? We are all in a great place right now, this community is amazing, i feel so happy when someone on this forum says you really helped me today, it shows that us NONs all share empathy.  I think the best thing we can do now is dissaciate ourselves from these individuals, you wouldnt have a night out with a full blown skitzaphrenic, so why would we want to share a life with a BPD? We were brought up to surround ourselves with positive mentally healthy people, so lets all be happy knowing we can walk away and reach safety, where as these people cant walk away, EVER!

[fred6]

Wow my friend thats a long time, i cant begin to imagine how strong you are to go through that, for that long.  Its strange how these people just pop back into our lives isnt it? I was 15 when i had my high school crush on my now ex BPD, she left out the blue to go into foster care, then 10 years later starts liking pictures on my FB, a very surreal experience! I couldnt agree more with you, i dont miss her in the sense i want her back, but i miss my best friend over those 2 years and i miss her 3 year old daughter so much! Being split black and still living there, the thought of it gives me shivers.  We all come out of relationships and think maybe it wasnt meant to be, but witj these ones we are left thinking what the hell just happened? We are all in a great place right now, this community is amazing, i feel so happy when someone on this forum says you really helped me today, it shows that us NONs all share empathy.  I think the best thing we can do now is dissaciate ourselves from these individuals, you wouldnt have a night out with a full blown skitzaphrenic, so why would we want to share a life with a BPD? We were brought up to surround ourselves with positive mentally healthy people, so lets all be happy knowing we can walk away and reach safety, where as these people cant walk away, EVER!

Well, I've known her for 30 years. And back between the 4th and 9th grade I always had a crush on her, but lost touch with her for 22 years. But we were never in a relationship until Sept. 2011. When we got into a r/s 3 years ago, I thought to myself, "This must be destiny after all this time". Things weren't perfect, but they were good. At least for me they were. Then a few months ago bammo whammo, like a brick to the face. Now I'm a shadow of myself of 3 years ago. Worst 3 months of my life, bar none... .

[NorthLight]

To reply on your first message:

I dont believe that BPD doesn't love a person they are in rs with. I believe she loved me with all her hearth, but she loved me as a take-care-of figure, not a bf. So i loved her as she was my own little child if that makes sense. Its a trauma bond, and even tho you say you don't love her, you want HER to make YOU feel important, and she will not give you that feeling, she will just give you more pain if you try to reach out by email.

I have been down this road my friend, actually ALOT of us have, so you are not alone! And I was very close to sending a letter myself a few days ago, but she would not have replied what i needed or wanted to hear, so I'm glad i didn't send it. So plz, for your own sake, don't send it, think about how low you felt when she dumped you, like the last years hadn't matter at all. You really think that person is going to give you a good feeling about who you are and that the rs was important, if you reached out now?

[jammo1989]

I could agree more Northlight, mate you HAVE to read this link its so informative in relation to all of our situations, please read this it will make you feel better.

www.guidetopsychology.com/BPD.htm

[NorthLight]

I could agree more Northlight, mate you HAVE to read this link its so informative in relation to all of our situations, please read this it will make you feel better.

www.guidetopsychology.com/BPD.htm

Ok i will read it in a little bit thanks

How are you today btw friend?

[Rifka]

Im 4 weeks into NC with an ex BPD that dumped me, then started a relationship 2 days after trying to pull me back in, she blocked me from all forms of communication apart from Gmail, She was one of my close friends in high school many years ago, and she found me 10 years later on FB which led to a 2 year relationship.  I have an incredible urge to email her, even though she has a bf, but NOT because i love her or want her back, but i personally feel that a lot of us feel the way we do because, we feel as if we didnt mean anything to them, Id love to have her as my friend again, no intentions attached, I feel as if I had her in my life again I would feel as if i meant something, almost validated.  I know how BPD works, so i know some may reply with, she didnt love you, she treated you like crap so why the hell do you want her in your life? but I feel like I want to feel as if those 2 years of my life meant something.   

Jammo what advice would you give one of us that came to you about trying to be friends?

You are so well read about this stuff and you totally know how bad this outcome will be.

You know all of the answers because you have been really guiding others.

This is not going to end good!

Yes we were all important to them for a time period that it took for them to get what they needed from us and then bolt or disrupt everything and make us leave.

You know they don't think or process like us and you are looking for a ( normal) I really don't like that word! Reaction and emotions and feelings.

You are going to do what you want but I would suggest going out a bit, meet some new healthy people, start a new hobby, volunteer somewhere. Just do something to occupy the time you think a lot.

Try to really only focus on the negative, no good times or positive stuff!

Just my suggestion.

Rifka

[NorthLight]

Very true, focusing on good memories will never gain anything positive. We need to focus on all the pain they have given us. When people here break up with their BPD ex they can have a problem with feeling guilt for giving them up.

When we are dumped, we feel powerless and broken and betrayed , but at least you don't have to feel guilt, and that you need to be there for her. And she will not be there for you, you know that! So best to let her go, forget her, and focus on you

[jammo1989]

Thank you for all your wise words, i havent emailed her, instead ive decided to block her back as well, no more looking back now, because wuite frankly im sick of doing that now, if anything ive put my child (ex BPD) back into foster care im done!

[NorthLight]

Thank you for all your wise words, i havent emailed her, instead ive decided to block her back as well, no more looking back now, because wuite frankly im sick of doing that now, if anything ive put my child (ex BPD) back into foster care im done!

GOOD FOR YOU! Big step, when i took that step i never regretted it!