Understanding Dissociation.

[HappyChappy]

“Dissociation describes a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience.”

It took me a long time to identify I may possibly suffer from this. So I was keen to compare notes with others. I do have bad PTSD, and I know this is often linked. In my case, when stress builds, I blank out. I literally switch off completely. To the point that I’m amazed I didn’t actually faint. I’m still conscious, but no information is being processed. So gets embarrassing in a job interview scenario, for example. I could have my BPDm on the phone for an hour and not actually pick up anything she’s said. But without her ever knowing. Yet I would sit there in a trance, not even board, say "Oh I know."

The other odd thing is, in one sense I have an amazing memory, but when stressed I can forget my children’s names. When stressed I am unable to find things, even if they are in front of me. Just can’t physically see them. My wife has to pick it up and put it in my hands, before it enters my consciousness.

So does that sound like dissociation to you, and do you have similar issues ? Any ways to combat it ?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi HappyChappy,

While I don't have dissociation to the degree that you do, I've had an experience that may be similar to yours when I first began talking about my FOO with my T. I was going along speaking about my dad and saying he was 'safe' and immediately as I spoke those words, I had this image from long ago pop up and flash in my head, of him beating a cow with a board or tool. (Sheesh, still bothers me to even type that!). All of a sudden my thoughts stopped completely, words ceased, and there was nothing but blankness. It was freaky, scary, and I felt lost somewhere in this abyss of nothingness. Even my T had a tough time drawing me back to the present, finally having to speak sharply to me to grab my attention. I had to breathe, breathe to get my bearings again.

My T told me it has to do with the limbic part of the brain responding to something that even closely resembles the original (or many times of) trauma that occurred. So perhaps you are being constantly triggered when you are stressed for it closely resembles the stress from those original trauma events that are part of your PTSD. I also have PTSD, most likely CPTSD. The brain filters through your emotional limbic system to find similar events that are like the current stress you are in and when it sees similar reactions from that long ago experience, it has the same overreaction and just shuts down for that's what your brain did originally. You have to work at establishing new neural pathways of how to deal with the stress to combat those old, deeply grooved pathways that shut you down. CBT has helped me quite a bit as I've worked through T. However, while I only remember this one very large disassociation so far (there are too many things I don't remember from my childhood), I have lots of times when I disassociate much more frequently by escaping from reality (detachment) in my imagination. It has been so much less the last 3 years with T helping immensely, and I now recognize that I don't need to escape as much as I used to.

What steps are you working on to help you with your disassociation so far? Has anything been successful in helping you reconnect to reality? Are there some boundaries you can set up to help you especially with your BPDm such as less time on the phone with her so that you don't continually re-trigger?

Hugs to you.   I know it is hard and scary because this event in my own life suddenly showed me that I had far more going on inside of me then I had any clue of.  No wonder I didn't want to look at it!

Woolspinner

[Harri]

Hi.  I still dissociate, though much less than I did in the past.  If it helps to know, I was diagnosed with c-PTSD several years back.   

The best way I know to cut through the dissociations is to try to work on the identifying the triggering events, the emotions with it, sitting with the emotions, and letting them go or trying to reframe the experience in such a way that you are able to sit with the emotions without shutting down.  Depending on how strong the dissociation is and the resulting fallout, it may be best to work on this with your T.  Especially if this is related to your recent desire to re-establish contact with your dad and indirectly having to deal with your mother.

What Wools said about establishing new neural pathways is correct.  The only way I know to do that is what I said above. 

[gentlestguardian]

I had never heard of dissociation or body dysphoria before I joined this board and am only recently becoming aware that I spent most of my childhood dissociated. I have nearly no memories of ages 6-14 besides vague ones from school and being with my friends. I've recently discovered that I do have a major trigger: feeling unpleasant feelings. Anger is a huge one. I was never allowed to express any anger toward my BPDm, though I had a LOT of it growing up, so I think my body just stuffed it down and down and down until my body was full of it, and then when it had no place to stuff it anymore, it sent my mind elsewhere so I could numb the rage out. Feeling stress also triggers it, but not as bad as anger does. Feeling like I'm not being heard is a major trigger too.

I've read people's experiences and how they feel like they're floating above their bodies, but it's nothing so otherworldly for me. When I dissociate, I literally feel nothing and my head gets really fuzzy so that if someone were to ask me to conjure up some facts of my life, like phone number, address, etc., it's almost impossible for me to recall them.

I've also felt disconnected from my body for the longest time. In highschool and college, I always had this sensation when looking in the mirror or at pictures of myself, that I wasn't actually looking at myself. I would see my physical self and feel no connection to the girl looking back at me whatsoever. It was like looking at someone else. Or I would be surprised. I'd look in the mirror, see myself, and be like, "Oh hey! That's what I look like?" 

[enlighten me]

Just out of curiosity have any of you had your cortisol levels or oxytocin levels checked? With PTSD they have found a link to low cortisol leading to more risk of developing PTSD if triggered. There has been evidence that after a traumatic event that if cortisol is given then the risk of developing PTSD is reduced. Another treatment for long term sufferers is to give oxytocin to reduce cortisol levels.

The dissociation if it is stress related could be due to elevated cortisol as cortisol affects how we manage our memories.

If it is due to elevated cortisol then there are treatments/ techniques that you can use to reduce it.

I realise that whilst in a relationship with myuBPDexgf my cortisol levels where elevated and I was forgetful.

[isilme]

My personal experience with dissociation seems to mostly be I lose emotional recall.  I can recall facts, "watch" an event in my memory without feeling like it happened to me.  My breakthrough crisis was when the emotions started coming back with the memories.

It's like my brain shut off the pain, knowing it was all too much at the time, and then decided in my 30s to let loose the dogs of war O_o.

Watching my father disassociate was scary.  When he hit a certain point of angry, he'd black out and not remember most of what he did (so he claimed).  From my point of view you could see his eyes go dead.  No one was home, and you knew that was when you needed to flee or prepare to fight, because pure rage was in control. 

[Upcyclinggirl]

Oh wow. I'm not the only one.

My childhood was hell. Pure hell. I developed a coping mechanism of dissociation. It comes out whenever I'm super stressed or am triggered. It's really not helpful now though. I also dissociate from illness and pain so I allow problems to get worse and worse until it's really serious. I think this comes from severe neglect. When I was eventually taken out of home I was critically ill and had to spend time on life support. As a little 5 year old I was a bundle of pure will to survive, and to do that I had to switch off all my other instincts and impulses and unfortunately I'm learning now you can't just switch it back on. Even now I get by each day on pure will, there's not much left in the tank to keep me going. I had to relearn feelings of hunger and pain as I had to switch them off but when I get stressed I go right back there. Sleep is an ongoing struggle too.

[MyLifeNow]

From my point of view you could see his eyes go dead

Oh god am I ever familiar with that. The glassy dead eyed look, on an expressionless face. I've been NC with dad for quite a while, but I can still remember the queasy stomach feeling that came with recognizing the look as if it just happened yesterday. I've never really realized that dissociation was something that probably happened to me too. I basically have no memories before age 15 or so.

I do get an extremely disconnected feeling whenever I'm around confrontation. Way more severe if I'm directly involved, but even just as an observer. Places where people are being loud and drunk do it too, to a lesser degree.