Just need some support on 'the sudden change'

[Tiepje3]

Received mail today concerning our divorce. It's his reaction to my request to stay in the house and get some spousal maintenance during the divorce proceedings. Him and his attorney are hitting on me with a vengeance. I have a good attorney who tried to calm me down.

It's just so hard to deal with this sudden change over the past few months. Where is the lovely, romantic, attentive guy that made me feel so loved? I'm now dealing with a mean spirited, ugly, vengeful person who will do anything to break me down. I did not deserve this, did I? I invested so much into this relationship, the recycles, the constant need for attention, the push/pull behaviour, protecting my kids from his angry outbursts to make him not look so bad. And in the end I'm having to deal with a replacement, financial struggles, insecure future.

I don't know, it's just so hard to get your head around it. It makes me feel like I'm losing my trust in people and in myself. How could I not have noticed, and why did I let him cross my boundaries multiple times? Am I the stupid (read: trusting) one?

My uBPD/NPDstbxh left, he's initiated LC, don't see him coming back for a recycle.

I guess I'm just in need of hearing I'm not the only one who has to deal with the sudden change in a person, or actually:

"it's not the people who change, it's the mask that falls off"

Need support so badly now... .

[enlighten me]

Hi Tiepje

Rest assured your not the only one who has had this. They do turn nasty very quickly. What you have to remember is that you are now dealing with a child. A hurt child that is lashing out and not a reasonable adult. My ex wife pulled out all the stops on me. I never expected her to do any of the things she did as the person I thought I knew wasn't like that. Unfortunately the person I thought I knew was a figment of her imagination.

The only advice I have is to defend your boundaries and stay firm. That said don't do anything to antagonise the situation. It will all work out in the end and will be quicker if you don't enter into a tit for tat battle.

Good luck.

EM

[fromheeltoheal]

"it's not the people who change, it's the mask that falls off"

Yep, that's part of it.  Stress brings out the real in people, and divorce is stressful, especially when we hire people who fight for a living to help us; many a divorce has been ugly, and I'm sorry you're in that.  And then there's the BPD piece, with the black/white thinking, the projection, all the tools.  I don't know how long you were married or what stage he's in, in the cycle of borderline pathology, but when you're black, you're black, the scum of the earth, no holds barred.  I just had a flashback to the time I left my ex, an absolute raging btch who left me no choice, who then called me two days later chipper as hell, as if nothing ever happened.  What the heck?  Such is the disorder, although I didn't know that then.  If your ex is consistently nasty that would be better than the flip-flop.

It's common to feel we've lost trust in ourselves in these relationships; that what happens when we're constantly trying to make sense of the senseless and navigate through an emotional minefield.  That will get better with time away from him, back in the real world.  But don't not trust people, just don't trust him.  Take care of you!

[Tiepje3]

Thanks Enlighten Me.

I'm glad I turned to posting on this board instead of sending a vindictive text message. It's hard to make my mind stop thinking about all the negative actions I could undertake right now. But as you said: no tit for tat-battle.

I know I am a nice and fun person. I've proven I can be loyal, caring, loving. What did I do to deserve this?

... .and thanks fromheeltoheal.

My ex has been consistently nasty these past months after four years of marriage in a six year r/s.

What's worse? Being recycled (with good periods in between) or being hated constantly?

[Aussie0zborn]

I hear you and know how you feel. It's incredible isn't it? You phrased it well when you quoted "it's not the people who change, it's the mask that falls off".

In my case the sudden change was not a sudden change... .the hatred and desire to destroy had always been there, there's just no reason to hide it post-separation hence having what appears to be a change. I was however shocked to learn that my wife planned for a thug to bash me and this resulted in heart palpitations, panic attack, breathlessness, loss of sleep, etc etc for nearly six months post separation. I could not comprehend how she hated me so badly yet hid it so well and could not appreciate just one thing that I did for her, like keeping her in home ownership when she would have otherwise had to sell up and rent. It was winter and I would sleep with the window open so I could breathe fresh air and not awaken in the middle of the night struggling to breathe and gasping for air.

It's not unusual to feel betrayed with their current actions but also your own actions each time you covered up for him. The more you read here about BPD the quicker you learn that they have no other way of coping and getting through life. The fact that they can hate so deeply and be so vengeful is, when you come to understand BPD, quite sad. I understand it now and I quite feel sorry for them as they can never have a satisfactory relationship and there life will continue to be in emotional turmoil. As sorry as I feel for her, I am actually glad that I am no longer responsible for her happiness and a huge weight (and burden) has been lifted from my shoulders.

I hope you can find solace in the fact that nons have the ability to have a happy life whereas people with BPD can't. Do what you have to do and get through the divorce. Right now, his gloves are off and it sounds like he is going to hit you as hard as he can. Expect to hear a lot of nonsense. The way they hit shows you how much turmoil they're in. Ignore it as much as you can and just let your lawyers do the fighting.

How are you coping with this? What helps to get it out of your mind?

[fromheeltoheal]

What's worse? Being recycled (with good periods in between) or being hated constantly?

I vote for hated constantly; it hurts at the beginning, and then you can heal and get on with your life, done with the chaos.  Plus, as we know there's a lot to a borderline's "hate", not the least of which is self-hatred projected on you, just another defense mechanism to deal with shame and other emotions he can't deal with otherwise.  You know if you are a good person and treated him well or not; give yourself that validation, you can't depend on someone with a serious mental illness for it.  Take care of you!

[enlighten me]

Being hated will make the divorce easier. You wont end up doubting yourself. My ex wife flipped from hate to being nice and it messed with my head. I started doubting myself and what I was doing. I was questioning whether I was being fair and doing enough and in the end she screwed me over anyway.

Set yourself a target and don't waiver. Once he realises that you are staying firm then his technique will change. I fell for the whole recycle thing after I said I wanted a divorce. She sucked me back in and then when I went back to work dumped me and started divorce proceedings so she could control it.

Forget everything you thought you knew about them as the person you are divorcing is not the person you where in love with.

[Tiepje3]

How are you coping with this? What helps to get it out of your mind?

Aussie,

I'm going grocery shopping now 

Writing on this board helps me a lot, the insights, the support. You guys make me feel like I'm not crazy.

Sometimes I 'take' from this board, sometimes I 'give' to this board. Right now it's the only place where I can give and take unconditionally. No judgment.

Enlighten me

Thank for sharing this. I guess you're right. I can move on from constant hatred, whereas it would be hard to deal with a messy situation of push/pull.

Fromheeltoheal

Thanks. I will validate myself for being a nice person, even if only you men/women say so  and not depend on his validation.