A discussion about PROJECTION ; its meanings, application, and language.

[Mutt]

I don't think we need to pathologize everything. Projection is not facing your feelings and attributing it elsewhere. What's important is that we look at our feelings without avoidance and distortion for ourselves in our healing.

[Mutt]

I'd like to share another example of projection that I had tonight while out shopping for groceries. While I was packing my bags I had told a little joke to the clerk and she gave a little smile.

I had paid for my groceries at the till and punched in the debit machine that i wanted 20 for cash back. The clerk gave me a coupon for free Halloween candies. She showed me the spot to get the candies on the other side of the long row of tills.

She said to grab it and go to costumer service and show them to coupon. So I did.

While I was up there I realized that I had forgotten to grab the 20. I gave the second clerk at customer service the coupon. I then told her that the girl forgot to give me my 20. She picked the up phone and was sort of frustrated with the girl at the till and said "The customer at the counter is angry with you. You forgot to give him his money" I thought that's strange   I'm not angry. I'm calm. They'll fix it and I'll get my money.

I went back to the original till and the girl apologized for the other clerk. She said "I knew you weren't angry" I said "Such is life we all make mistakes. That's all it is. " I then thanked her.

So as I turned away I thought. I think there's something going on between those two. Perhaps the lady at customer service doesn't like her. They had a little disagreement about something? I think the lady at customer service just projected her angry feelings at me or it could be passive aggressiveness as well. She could be borderline. She could be non-disordered as well.

My point is. I've learned about the behavior here. I detached and I clearly see this at play with my ex. Often when I pick up the kids in person or in her emails. I think what's important is to be indifferent someone projects.

I don't explain or defend myself to my ex. The reason why is because she's mentally ill and unaware. It can trigger her and it's triggered me in the past. I'd argue back. I don't take it to heart because I learned why people do it. It's subconscious and the person is unaware.

There's no arguing that comes from me and I don't get triggered by it. It makes things better that an argument doesn't ensue and I feel calm and in control of my feelings. I couldn't say this 19 months ago.

This place changes you if you read and understand why a disordered partner gets triggered and projects their feelings.

[In Pain]

Projection:

Let me see if I have this right.

My ex BPD GF accused me of cheating on her... .But she was cheating on me.

So... .

When my ex accused me of being angry at her... .She was really angry at me ?

When she accuses me of not liking her anymore... .It was really her not liking me anymore ?

[Blimblam]

Projection:

Let me see if I have this right.

My ex BPD GF accused me of cheating on her... .But she was cheating on me.

So... .

When my ex accused me of being angry at her... .She was really angry at me ?

When she accuses me of not liking her anymore... .It was really her not liking me anymore ?

It's not that straight forward.

She was angry at herself. Then she probably provoked you to be angry with her.

She doesn't like herself. Then she probably tried to get you to feel sorry for her.

[Artisan]

Not how I see it ... .

She is feeling angry, so she says you are angry and denies her own anger.

[Blimblam]

Not how I see it ... .

She is feeling angry, so she says you are angry and denies her own anger.

Makes sense.

My last ex was a waif so she expressed anger differently.

My first ex i realize was a witch so when she got angry she would burst out. It was easier to make sense of though. My waif ex would just hold it in the reject me in a million little subtle ways which I found to be more painful.

[Artisan]

Blim, the waif sounds passive-aggressive. It's hidden anger and retribution that never sees the light of day.

[Blimblam]

Blim, the waif sounds passive-aggressive. It's hidden anger and retribution that never sees the light of day.

Yes very passive aggressive. At first she didn't feel she had the upper hand she felt powerless so she cheated then the level of devaluing became a sadistic labyrinth to insanity. Rejection is painful and she planted seeds in people's minds to give me a million reasons why I deserved rejection and she would reject me 1000 times a day perfectly timed but I'm such a subtle way she could gas light me. It was like the ultimate gas lighting campaign.

[Bak86]

My ex would always say i was nagging and sounded like a woman. Except for the fact that i always were reasonable.

Example: We agreed after the breakup to hang out(i didn't know about BPD back then), she rescheduled our "date" 3 times, and cancelled on me 15 mins before we would meet up, because she was hungover. I told her that wasn't very nice of her to do that. I skipped plans to be with her and she reacted by saying i sounded like a nagging woman and told me to ___ off. I made her angry.

I thought i was pretty reasonable, but in her eyes i'm a little b___. I think this is projection as well. She's the one who actually nags about every little thing.