quick help needed

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am still learning the boundaries!

I gave one time out, 5 minutes, went back to see if we could resume a discussion.

Still in rage and went right into insults, gave her another 5 minutes. She tried to break down a door to get to me.

Finally stopped, but stated she does not want me to talk to her anymore.

Do I honor that, or stick with the 5 minutes? Seems I should honor that, that was her boundary, right?

[meerkat1]

I am still learning the boundaries!

I gave one time out, 5 minutes, went back to see if we could resume a discussion.

Still in rage and went right into insults, gave her another 5 minutes. She tried to break down a door to get to me.

Finally stopped, but stated she does not want me to talk to her anymore.

Do I honor that, or stick with the 5 minutes? Seems I should honor that, that was her boundary, right?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[meerkat1]

She came back, a little bit calmer, at least enough to be able to start talking. Asked if I could open the door. So i did. Went very quickly back to her insulting me and to place where we could not communicate. Her belittling me, condescending and so forth.

[Olinda]

If your boundary is no listening to belittling or insults, you must enforce that by walking away again. Maybe this time out of the home. No discussion, just go.

[meerkat1]

Now I am just locked in a different room!  With her outside the door ranting.

Our conversations simply cannot be productive and just escalate so quickly into a barrage of insults.

I am thinking leaving the house again is not a good idea. Was very traumatic last time for everyone.

I will have to if she resorts to violence bit don't think she will go there since I have called the police before.

[Olinda]

Do you have children in the home? Why would leaving the home be worse?

[maxsterling]

Wow.  This sounds rough.  If your safety or safety of children is at issues, I'd say leave the house.

From my experience 5 minutes is not nearly a long enough time for them to calm down.  With my fiancé, an hour, minimum.  Sometimes it takes DAYS.  Once in a severely dysregulated state (such as you are observing now), there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change that.  Her brain must go about her natural calming process.  If you fear for her safety, you may try and convince her to call a crisis line, a friend, or someone else she trusts.  In really severe cases, don't hesitate to call police/ambulance/911.

[sweetheart]

meerkat where are your children whilst this is happening, this sounds just awful for you again. By having the door locked with a dysregulated person outside you run the risk of this escalating further.

Whilst she is ranting do not say anything, wait for her to move from the door and go and take yourself and children for drive, anywhere but out of the house, go for pizza whatever. Like max said she will need a few hours to calm down from this.

meerkat if she threatens violence and your children are around, or you are threatened you must phone the police otherwise she has no boundary against this behaviour now or in the future.

Let us know how you get on.

[Mono No Aware]

5 minutes is not nearly enough for a BPD rage. As Max said, hours or days.

If DV is happening you need more distance than a breakable door.

[formflier]

 

I agree... .hold to your boundary. 

the point of 5 minutes or stating a time is to reduced separation anxiety.

Have you ever tried to leave the house with children when she goes off? 

Do the children hear this?

[Loosestrife]

I would leave the house for a few days to de-escalate the situation and make it clear that her behaviour is intimidating and abusive and she could be arrested for it. Hope you're ok

[Rockylove]

Now I am just locked in a different room!  With her outside the door ranting.

Our conversations simply cannot be productive and just escalate so quickly into a barrage of insults.

I am thinking leaving the house again is not a good idea. Was very traumatic last time for everyone.

I will have to if she resorts to violence bit don't think she will go there since I have called the police before.

sometimes traumatic is productive.  you can tell her that you're not leaving forever... .just until you both have time to process whatever the incident is and go.  I've done it.  It worked.  My BPDh knows that if he starts getting "off" I will go up to my studio or if it gets too awful, to a friend's house no matter what time of day or night.  Usually, he'll calm down if he knows I'm going to leave, but if he doesn't, I'm treated to a good night's sleep at very least.