So what is THE ALTERNATIVE to codependency?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This is a HUGE philosophical question for me.  In recognize that I have accommodated my stbx dBPDw in ways that have prevented her from developing into a mature and emotionally responsible person, but the apparatus involved was what most would call the best human instincts: understanding, forgiveness, care, etc.  It is as if these qualities (virtues) become twisted when one is caring for a pwBPD. 

So, in any relationship, what are the alternatives to these things? Should we care less? Should we understand less? Should we forgive less?   

I think that if the two people in a relationship are minimally emotionally available, it can work.  As long as there is a match between what each can give, it seems possible to me that the relationship can be a reciprocal one. 

But I do believe that when we deliberately limit how much we will give, there is a limit to how rewarding a relationship can be. 

So, I ask people to respond to this and try to answer this question, but without resorting to the concept of "limits."  Should pwBPD always be avoided, no matter what? Should people with PDs always be avoided, no matter what?  Is our aim to be very giving and caring, but only with the most emotionally healthy human beings?  Or is it to be less invested in every relationship? 

I've spent a lot of time on this board and read much, and am in CBT with a great therapist, but I think that this question is an elephant in the room of sorts.  What OUGHT we do (in the affirmative, rather than the limiting sense)? 

[goateeki]

This is a HUGE philosophical question for me.  In recognize that I have accommodated my stbx dBPDw in ways that have prevented her from developing into a mature and emotionally responsible person, but the apparatus involved was what most would call the best human instincts: understanding, forgiveness, care, etc.  It is as if these qualities (virtues) become twisted when one is caring for a pwBPD. 

So, in any relationship, what are the alternatives to these things? Should we care less? Should we understand less? Should we forgive less?   

I think that if the two people in a relationship are minimally emotionally available, it can work.  As long as there is a match between what each can give, it seems possible to me that the relationship can be a reciprocal one. 

But I do believe that when we deliberately limit how much we will give, there is a limit to how rewarding a relationship can be. 

So, I ask people to respond to this and try to answer this question, but without resorting to the concept of "limits."  Should pwBPD always be avoided, no matter what? Should people with PDs always be avoided, no matter what?  Is our aim to be very giving and caring, but only with the most emotionally healthy human beings?  Or is it to be less invested in every relationship? 

I've spent a lot of time on this board and read much, and am in CBT with a great therapist, but I think that this question is an elephant in the room of sorts.  What OUGHT we do (in the affirmative, rather than the limiting sense)? 

[enlighten me]

For every PD as an individual there will no doubt be someone out there that is a perfect match for them. Whether they set the right boundaries or have a capacity for compassion or whether they can just put up with everything and not let it affect them.

I believe we all have our perfect match somewhere but the chances of us meeting them or them not being taken is pretty slim.

We shouldn't have to try and change ourselves to meet someone elses expectations. They should either accept us for who we are or not be with us. This is the problem we face with a pwBPD. They change themselves for who they think we want them to be and in the end it will never work because we are all creatures of habit and don't do change very well. If a pwBPD met someone and didn't have to mirror who they thought that person wanted them to be because they where already that person then it might work out.

[Pingo]

I don't think the opposite to codependency is to be less giving.  When we open our hearts and show vulnerability this is where true intimacy can happen.  I think the key is to not give to the detriment of our own self.  And in order to do that you need to know the 'self', your own needs and values.  That is what I have struggled with. 

In a healthy r/s if I can give generously of my love, care and attention and receive it back equally then we both can grow and flourish instead of feeling limited and less than.  I love that I am a giving person.  I just need to find the person who won't exploit that but instead give back as much.

[goateeki]

Pingo, well said.