Who paid for everything in the relationship? Just curious? Was it always you?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Seems like I'm going to be in the minority here but we used to take turns paying when we went out.  My ex was a compulsive spender,  she had no problems spending what she had.

[Infern0]

Seems like I'm going to be in the minority here but we used to take turns paying when we went out.  My ex was a compulsive spender,  she had no problems spending what she had.

[crookedeuphoria]

He moved into my house and would give me money towards bills when he got paid. We figured out a set amount and he always followed through. He was very generous and bought new appliances and things for the house which he never took when he left. I never asked for anything but it would sometimes get thrown in my face at some point down the road.

[freedom33]

At the beginning I did quite a few generous gestures. I bought us flights for a holiday to a romantic little island, nice meals, I was head over heels for her. She did offer to pay half for dinners etc. but didn't accept. She said she liked that about me... .Then a few months later I started accepting half. So it was half and half for most of the relationship. I think she did not like that. Half a year in the rs asked me to borrow some money - small amount a few hundred dollars. I said I will borrow her the money but she has to tell me when she will pay me back and that this should not become a habit. She got offended and didn't accept the money afterwards. Her parents had money and they always gave her when she asked. They were also helping her with her rent. I don't think she actually cared about the money itself. It was more of a sign of love to her and that she was in control i.e. if I pay for her that means I am into her. When she would get angry she would ask me for small amounts here and there that she may have paid in the past. It was very low.

[tim_tom]

Oh yeah! I always had to save money to get it all to go around. And she would be angry every time I even mentioned that it was a very unbalanced economy. So yes... But I never linked it to BPD. But it seems to be a pattern here.

Yep, my favorite part was that she was not working, and did more of household chores (not much more, we had a cleaning service). Had no problem rubbing that in equity in my face and complaining about it, and it'd be hell to pay if I brought up how I paid for rent, food, utilities, entertainment, animals, vacations... etc... .

Then, I would try and explain that we were a team, and I was actually fine paying for everything... but she didn't want to hear that

[Artimer]

Contributed to holiday for her & her daughter.

Paid for seat reservation on return flight for said holiday.

Paid for travel insurance for said holiday.

Bought expensive necklace for her birthday.

Bought gifts on behalf of her kids for said birthday.

Paid maintenance for son when his dad didn't pay her.

Paid for numerous repairs to her car.

Gave money numerous times when she was out of cash.

Put petrol in her car on numerous occasions.

Paid for birthday gifts for her sons right down to cards & wrapping paper because she couldn't.

Bought garden equipment.

Bought expensive mobile phone.

Bought laptop when kids broke theirs.

I was a complete idiot for having been so good natured & caring towards somebody who didn't once pay or buy anything.

[fred6]

Yep, my favorite part was that she was not working,

The not working part at the end made me feel like a total chump. She quit her job and meds this past April. I then started working more hours to make up for her being unemployed. I was also spending more of my money to keep the household up. I guess when I was working longer hours, she was keeping something up too, his name was Rocky. So anyhow, I spent a lot of my money to help out for 4 months only to discarded like trash. All that money would have been useful when I had to move out. I just wish all of this would have happened a few months earlier.

[tim_tom]

The not working part at the end made me feel like a total chump. She quit her job and meds this past April. I then started working more hours to make up for her being unemployed. I was also spending more of my money to keep the household up. I guess when I was working longer hours, she was keeping something up too, his name was Rocky. So anyhow, I spent a lot of my money to help out for 4 months only to discarded like trash. All that money would have been useful when I had to move out. I just wish all of this would have happened a few months earlier.

I hear ya man, I wish I never met her. The amount of money I spent, the heartache I am going through, not to mention that by the time I am healthy enough to even enter a new relationships it will be over 2 years wasted.

[Caredverymuch]

Did you pay for all the trips, airfare to travel in a long distance relationship? Pay for their housing, their school, their kids, their debts?

I'm so curious!

My exBPDbf was so cheap and never wanted to spend money. He was always trying to get me to pay!

What about your exes?

 

Like many here have stated , in the beginning he paid but he took me to very inexpensive places.  And not often. I am also the kind of woman that has no problem offering to pay and once I began to do so, not only did he never offer to pay ever again, he would ask me to pay for things he would bring back to his office for others. He made close to 6 figures and fully expected me to pay always. No shame as a man. I stopped doing so in the latter part of the r/s.   And now, when I go on date I do not offer.  

The topic of gifts could be another thread.  How little were given and how absolutely ridiculous for this man, who I was in a not at all casual r/s with, to sit there and accept a very thoughtful gift from me on holidays or bdays and reciprocate nothing. As if thats normal?

[AlbertS]

My ex girlfriend was a student, so she naturally had less money to contribute. In the beginning, she insisted to pay (I think she was afraid of people thinking that this is some sugar daddy relationship -- just a fear of rejection I suppose, I am not a millionaire and not that older), so generally the person who found their wallet first paid. Then, I borrowed her some money (which she asked for), bought here some gifts (which she wanted and I wanted her to have), nothing financially serious from my point of view (about $500 in total), and we broke up abruptly. She seems not to remember the debts, but she acknowledges that she has to return the gifts (or that 'I will return EVERYTHING which is yours so that you no longer have any reason to stalk me', but she does not, only returned the meaningless or cheap ones. If she breaks NC, I will probably tell her to return the remaining stuff (which I want) if she wants, and after that, that I feel that she has debts and she can return them if she wants.

[Blimblam]

My ex girlfriend was a student, so she naturally had less money to contribute. In the beginning, she insisted to pay (I think she was afraid of people thinking that this is some sugar daddy relationship -- just a fear of rejection I suppose, I am not a millionaire and not that older), so generally the person who found their wallet first paid. Then, I borrowed her some money (which she asked for), bought here some gifts (which she wanted and I wanted her to have), nothing financially serious from my point of view (about $500 in total), and we broke up abruptly. She seems not to remember the debts, but she acknowledges that she has to return the gifts (or that 'I will return EVERYTHING which is yours so that you no longer have any reason to stalk me', but she does not, only returned the meaningless or cheap ones. If she breaks NC, I will probably tell her to return the remaining stuff (which I want) if she wants, and after that, that I feel that she has debts and she can return them if she wants.

My advice is to just let it go if you can and you are ready. They were gifts.

[RedDove]

Caredverymuch, same here about the topic of gifts being a whole separate thread. Thank you for stating it, because I thought it was just me! 

I bought my ex BPDbf very nice birthday, Valentines Day and Christmas gifts... .clothes, a Kindle n case, jewelry (ID bracelet with a beautiful heartfelt, loving inscription), a watch, concert tickets, etc. I "always" planned in advance and made a restaurant reservation at a lovely, quaint, romantic place for his bday.

What did I receive in return? A cheap hallmark bracelet on one bday and a stuffed Gorilla on one valentines day. We were together for 4 years!

During one of our break ups 2 years back, I unfriended him on Facebook, but he didn't unfriend me. Back then, you both had to unfriend to totally disconnect. Two days after I broke up with him, 2 days after Christmas... .(I had given him a Kindle w/case... .he gave me nothing, no gift!) He posted on his Facebook Page: "I have a brand new Kindle with a case, still in the box, never opened or used! If you are interested in buying it, I'll take the best offer! First come, first served! Lol!"

I spent $300 on the Kindle and case! Not to mention the thought that went into findinf the perfect gift for the avid reader! Honestly, I can't make this stuff up! Now, looking back, it's unbelievable how I was under his idealization charm spell and the crappy treatment I put up with! So glad to be out and away from the insanity and chaos!

[Rifka]

SO WHY WERE WE WILLING TO GIVE THEM WHAT WE DID? ( for those of you that paid for almost everything? ) or accept the lame excuses they gave for needing and wanting everything?

At the end, I just wanted to go, I was already bringing my kids, some friends, he wasn't offering to pay, so I just did instead of hearing crap after I got back and have every event ruined because he wasn't with me and would blow up my phone all night.

It was just easier than arguing at some point for me.

I was tired of hearing his poor me excuses of why he couldn't afford anything, which was a lie!

I would never do it again!

[ajr5679]

my ex never paid for anything unless she wanted it. she made double what I make. she would buy dirt every pay day for her flowers and candles. when people was over she would buy food for everybody. if she needed something she would just buy it and would always complain to me that I never bought anything for the house. but I was paying all the bills. one time she got mad at me and said all you do is buy cheap food. what the hell.

[Ihope2]

Yes, this defined my relationship as well.  I paid for the whole thing to happen and I paid for it all to end.

I paid for his living expenses, for his medical expenses, for his clothing, for his holidays, for his mobile phone airtime, for the wedding, for the debt he had, for our legal consultation fees, for him to move out of my house, for him to stay at a guesthouse for a few days, for him to buy a bus ticket out of my city and start a new life elsewhere and finally, I paid for the divorce.

And I am still paying him a monthly maintenance for the next while, as part of the legal agreement of the divorce (otherwise he would have tried to take half of everything I own, including my pension fund, as in my country if you don't take out a marriage contract within 3 months of wedding date, you default into the position where all your personal possessions are shared by both. He supposedly came into the marriage with nothing to his name... .).

What a costly life / learning experience for me.

[Ihope2]

And the reason as to why I did it:  I know now that I was firmly in the grips of a Trauma bond relationship.

The Awakening has been profound.

[Rifka]

And the reason as to why I did it:  I know now that I was firmly in the grips of a Trauma bond relationship.

The Awakening has been profound.

I just read about the trauma bond yesterday!

Freedom is priceless, finally understanding why we did or felt hypnotized the way we did while in and then after the relationship was incredible.

Do you know how to move that info here about TRAUMA BONDS! I think many who have not read it would benifit from learning about it?

Lessons can be costly.

Some people are preditors! It's a shame but true!

[Ihope2]

I don't know how to move info from one section to another, but I can highly recommend Patrick Carnes' book:  Betrayal Bonds, Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships, which I read about on the bpdfamily.Com website.   Stumbling upon this book and the whole notion of Trauma Bonding was very enlightening for me and made me realise a lot of my own dynamic in relationships!  And made me understand where it all came from way back in my Family of Origin.

A betrayal bond makes you stay with and be utterly loyal towards a person who is very "unsafe" for you!  Almost like the "Stockholm Syndrome"! 

[Pingo]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.0

This book was tremendously helpful to answer the question 'why?'... .That was what I had been struggling with the most.  And yes Ihope2, the awakening HAS been profound, most definitely!

[Rifka]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.0

This book was tremendously helpful to answer the question 'why?'... .That was what I had been struggling with the most.  And yes Ihope2, the awakening HAS been profound, most definitely!

Thank you Pingo for posting this here!

It's eye opening and yes totally answers the Whys?

[hurting300]

Mine paid once in 18 months.

[rickdeckard]

No, she paid or I paid. She never expected me to cover anything. It was one of the few "normal" aspects.

"Ill get the tab"

"no, dont worry, ill get it"

"okay. Ill get it next time".

It was very even sided. There was no "take me here and buy for me".