Anger

[crookedeuphoria]

I am very sad today. I have been sad for so long, it seems. I keep waiting for the anger so many of you talk about. I think anger would be so much easier. But I'm not angry and I don't understand why. He did so many things for me to be mad about. Once I went crazy too, I know that I totally contributed to our dysfunction but I think I was the mess he made, you know? I may have had issues before him (clearly) but nothing like what I turned into. Is that why I am not mad? Because so much of me is still blaming myself and my own behavior? Will not getting angry halt my healing? I just don't want to be so sad anymore. I was very angry in the relationship, at the end of it, I was SO mad at him but that all went away pretty quickly after I broke up with him and now it's just the loss of him that I feel.

[enlighten me]

Hi Crooked

The anger will come eventually and you need it to so you can progress with the healing process.

For me it was the total injustice, the fact that I was used, belittled and almost sent mad for doing nothing but try and be a good partner and provide for her and her kids. The anger started slowly as a little spark but then flared up.

Its very easy for us to blame ourselves and we are all partly to blame for events. That said did you deserve what happened to you and all you where put through?

[crookedeuphoria]

No. I didn't deserve it. All I did was love him. All I wanted was for him to love me.

[Blimblam]

My anger usually comes hand in hand with desperation and yearning. A twisted malformed creature I have not yet gained control of.

[enlighten me]

Theres your starting point for the anger. Trust me when I say you need to get it out of your system.

Once you have the anger then you can re direct it into something more healthy. Whether it is exercise for the "screw you I look great now" or education for the "Ive improved myself while you stay the same" or a project for the "look what Im capable of doing".

[myself]

We each detach and grieve in our own ways.

Some are more sad, or angry, or lost than others.

What's important is to find your way through.

[crookedeuphoria]

Once you have the anger then you can re direct it into something more healthy. Whether it is exercise for the "screw you I look great now" or education for the "Ive improved myself while you stay the same" or a project for the "look what Im capable of doing".

Yes. I will do this. Because even if I don't have anger, I do have pride. I will never again let him see me broken.

[Blimblam]

Once you have the anger then you can re direct it into something more healthy. Whether it is exercise for the "screw you I look great now" or education for the "Ive improved myself while you stay the same" or a project for the "look what Im capable of doing".

Yes. I will do this. Because even if I don't have anger, I do have pride. I will never again let him see me broken.

Do you feel ashamed of feeling or being percieved as broken?

[crookedeuphoria]

Ashamed? No. I AM broken. Everybody is seeing my broken. I was just outside hula hooping with my daughters when my neighbors came home. We started chatting and they asked how I am doing. I had a total breakdown (not really that dramatic, but I did start crying---and then they tried to give me $140 which was weird). Everybody knows I am broken. What is that saying? The wound is where the light enters you, or something like that? I am okay with it and I know I will grow from it. But him. Him and his cohorts---his parents and his ex wife---those people? Those people will never, ever, ever see me crying or breaking down. No one who would derive satisfaction from me being broken will ever see that I am.

[Blimblam]

Ashamed? No. I AM broken. Everybody is seeing my broken. I was just outside hula hooping with my daughters when my neighbors came home. We started chatting and they asked how I am doing. I had a total breakdown (not really that dramatic, but I did start crying---and then they tried to give me $140 which was weird). Everybody knows I am broken. What is that saying? The wound is where the light enters you, or something like that? I am okay with it and I know I will grow from it. But him. Him and his cohorts---his parents and his ex wife---those people? Those people will never, ever, ever see me crying or breaking down. No one who would derive satisfaction from me being broken will ever see that I am.

It seems you found your anger.  Anger wearing the mask of pride.  I am not judging btw. 

I often had a difficult time identifying my anger.  Anger as it seems wears many masks.

[Take2]

Ashamed? No. I AM broken. Everybody is seeing my broken. I was just outside hula hooping with my daughters when my neighbors came home. We started chatting and they asked how I am doing. I had a total breakdown (not really that dramatic, but I did start crying---and then they tried to give me $140 which was weird). Everybody knows I am broken. What is that saying? The wound is where the light enters you, or something like that? I am okay with it and I know I will grow from it. But him. Him and his cohorts---his parents and his ex wife---those people? Those people will never, ever, ever see me crying or breaking down. No one who would derive satisfaction from me being broken will ever see that I am.

Good for you Crookedeuphoria... .   You CAN do this... . 

I don't get very angry - although interactions with him involve anger now - But once I'm away from him, the anger goes away and is replaced with depression.  Loneliness.  My own daughter helps distract me so on a weekend like this when she's away with her dad, wow, the loneliness is rough... .  but I work out tons, keep busy (cleaned, rearranged stuff, pedicure), etc... .  You have interesting neighbors offering you a strange amount of $$ for your tears.  Maybe if you fell on the ground crying they would offer more?    haha... .  hang in there, you sound strong!

[fromheeltoheal]

Cohen's lyric is "There is a crack in everything.  That's how the light gets in."  Totally true for me in that relationship.

The five standard phases of grieving are Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  They don't have to be in that order, you don't have to go through all of them necessarily, and you can cycle back and do one over again; there is no right way, it is what it is, the most important thing being to feel everything all the way, because it's what pain leaving feels like.  Sounds like your pride is useful, maybe some anger there too, and what if you're right where you're supposed to be?  Take care of you!

[Hopeless777]

Ashamed? No. I AM broken. Everybody is seeing my broken. I was just outside hula hooping with my daughters when my neighbors came home. We started chatting and they asked how I am doing. I had a total breakdown (not really that dramatic, but I did start crying---and then they tried to give me $140 which was weird). Everybody knows I am broken. What is that saying? The wound is where the light enters you, or something like that? I am okay with it and I know I will grow from it. But him. Him and his cohorts---his parents and his ex wife---those people? Those people will never, ever, ever see me crying or breaking down. No one who would derive satisfaction from me being broken will ever see that I am.

Don't feel bad... .I feel the same. I'm not angry, just sad at the 28 years thrown away so easily. I cry everyday for the loss, but a new day always arrives. The will to live and love again is all that exists... .maybe that is enough for a new beginning someday. Peace.

[Caredverymuch]

No. I didn't deserve it. All I did was love him. All I wanted was for him to love me.

No, you did not deserve this. I have said many times on this site the same. Our only "crime"... .was love. I loved my expBPD very much and all I wanted was the same for us both. Nothing more. Nothing less. Genuine caring and love.

This is a disorder that exists to deny itself.

You don't have to find anger or be angry to move forward. Anger is a fan emotion. 

The real work begins with acknowledgment.

Look to the right. Can you perhaps identify where you are in the process?