I saw her face to face today... Staying NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Its been 10 days since I was the one that told her I couldnt handle it anymore after one of her crazy-making diatribes. She lives behind me so obviously it was inevitable that I see her again. It usually doesnt go more than a couple days over the past 11 years before i break the ice. But Ive been reading posts here like crazy - I believe educating yourself on this sickness is the path to overcoming the pain & work through NC.

Today, my wife & I headed to the shed & my exBPD was in her yard with her husband (mine is a unique situation). ... I had walked right up to her & her husband & acted totally normal/friendly & she wouldnt look me in the eye & was obviously upset & she walked away to talk to my wife in another part of the yard. I eventually caught up with the two of them, she seemed disturbed & broke away saying something about finishing something up. I know her. She is not happy. Depressed probably, Ive seen it before. But in the past that would make me crawl back, & the cycle would start up because she got control again. Not this time. I didnt text after seeing her (which would have been the norm in the past) & have no intention on doing so.

Due to proximity, I had no choice but to eventually break the ice, but if you dont have that situation, stay NC. Educate yourself, read posts here, it gave me strength. Will I fall back? Perhaps, the beast is relentless, but today's encounter was empowering. The fact that i didnt text after (& still dont feel the urge) is 100% due to the comments & support of the people that contribute to this site. Thank you!

[Duped11years]

Its been 10 days since I was the one that told her I couldnt handle it anymore after one of her crazy-making diatribes. She lives behind me so obviously it was inevitable that I see her again. It usually doesnt go more than a couple days over the past 11 years before i break the ice. But Ive been reading posts here like crazy - I believe educating yourself on this sickness is the path to overcoming the pain & work through NC.

Today, my wife & I headed to the shed & my exBPD was in her yard with her husband (mine is a unique situation). ... I had walked right up to her & her husband & acted totally normal/friendly & she wouldnt look me in the eye & was obviously upset & she walked away to talk to my wife in another part of the yard. I eventually caught up with the two of them, she seemed disturbed & broke away saying something about finishing something up. I know her. She is not happy. Depressed probably, Ive seen it before. But in the past that would make me crawl back, & the cycle would start up because she got control again. Not this time. I didnt text after seeing her (which would have been the norm in the past) & have no intention on doing so.

Due to proximity, I had no choice but to eventually break the ice, but if you dont have that situation, stay NC. Educate yourself, read posts here, it gave me strength. Will I fall back? Perhaps, the beast is relentless, but today's encounter was empowering. The fact that i didnt text after (& still dont feel the urge) is 100% due to the comments & support of the people that contribute to this site. Thank you!

[Take2]

Hi Duped... . I just read your story... . yep, you are addicted big time.  No judgment here, I've made my own mistakes and have been struggling with addiction to a man who is uBPD/npb/aspd... . my situation went on for almost 5 years... . I work with the guy so NC is virtually impossible.  But LC is no good.  Our situation has deteriorated so badly that any communication immediately turns into an attack from him.  He's a scary man when dysregulated.  He has made threats to "destroy my life" and followed thru on some of those threats.

Hold on to that empowering feeling of not contacting her.  You've been doing very well with reconnecting with your wife, but one thing I'm going to suggest is that you try to get into therapy or maybe consider going to a 12 step program to focus on YOU.  Believe me, it's take me FOREVER to do this.  At this point, I'm trying to focus solely on my addiction and how to break it.  There's a 12 step called Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous that you might find helpful.  There are plenty out there though - CODA or Alanon are also supposed to be incredibly helpful.  Although to be honest, the biggest help I've found is the support here, a friend I've met on here who is ALWAYS there for me thru every up and down of this insane rollercoaster...  plus a ton of reading and learning.  So much about HIS disorder.  Now more about ME.  

Have I displayed BPD characteristics?  totally.  I know I am not borderline, but I recognize my own characteristics that are somewhat borderline, somewhat (big time) codependent.  Knowing what the right thing is and then doing it is tough when caught up in the addiction with a r/s like this... .

I suppose all I can do is offer my support and say I do understand what you are going thru.  For me, it's just gotten SO awful that I've had to detach.  Sucks that it's so awful but it's what I need to be free of it.

Keep posting!  I'll be rooting for you!

[Duped11years]

Thank you so much Take2, I really appreciate your words and encouragement, it feels good to have such support.

I am going to a T, and my wife & I are starting with a T next week. Im with on sometimes feeling that I too exhibit BPD traits and I think my wife must have experienced being painted black/white throught the years because how I treated her was a direct result of what I was going through with the other. When the ex was raging jealous that I was simply driving down to see my kids in school for example, the car ride down was silent & distant. The cold shoulder I gave my wife over so many years makes me wonder why she stuck around; is it just a series of co-dependant relationships? Yes, we had problems to begin with, but when I started with the other, our relationship became extremely cold & distant.

Since I drew that line 10 days ago, I have been on this site constantly, & throughout the day I will refer to it often whereas in the past I would just go on occasionally. Whenever I feel that pang of missing her & wanting to text, Im back on here right away. Im telling you, the posts here, and specifically such supportive people like you, have given me the strength I exhibited today in that encounter.

This article ( www.narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/ ) is something I also refer to often as well, & reading it grounds me quickly because it freaks me out how spot-on it is regarding what Ive experienced & it also almost makes me angry that I allowed myself to be subjected to this for so long. I think the ultimate weapon in battling the addiction we have on these people is educating ourselves to the point that we resent what they did to us through the years, & that we allowed them to do it & how we changed as a result.   Thank you again, Take2!

[Blimblam]

Duped

Thanks you for sharing that article I found it incredibly useful.

Sometimes I think once these behaviors become common knowledge their will be a big change in society. The vampire cannot survive the light of day.

The vampire being the disorder/behaviors itself.

[Take2]

Yes thank you Duped for the article... .  info I already knew but definitely always interested in reading more about.  It is pretty mind blowing to have gone thru all of this.  For those people I've told who have not lived with me thru it as I have experienced it, they can't conceive of what I'm truly talking about.  And of course I hope they never can because that would mean they've gone thru it and I wouldn't wish this on anyone... .

[beachtalks]

What you did was HUGE and do not underestimate it.  One small step in space can be a giant space in your earth.  It was in mine.  You have inspired me. From one BPD-ex partner person to another, thank you!


*)Have a great night