Dismissed... and disatisfied

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So after my blow up with my BPDgirlfriend for her recycling her ex I got in touch to tell her I was upset and having her ex around didn't work for me.  What did she say? That there was never anything between us, and never will be and I needed to get that through my head, and she was sorry if she misled me... .

Ummm... .what? 

Yes, I was really weary of her, there were so many    so I never wanted to really commit... .but we'd known eachother for a while, and finally started being romantically involved six months ago... .My being non committal I think also made her non committal... . 

But... .to then paint me as someone desperate to be with her, but who wasn't getting her message that she never wanted to be with me ever... .It's like... .WHAT? 

To me it was special.  It was flawed, but it was special. We shared a lot about eachother... .it was intimate... .even if it was totally inconsistent... .and she played the push pull thing the whole time. 

Anyway, I'm a bit hurt hurt that she'd dismissed the "relationship" and me... .but mostly, I'm completely dissatisfied... .because it feels like just another blatant lie.  I mean... .to get closure, I suppose it's important for us to objectively evaluate the relationship for what it was and meant to us.  And, throwing it in the garbage... .well, it's just a load of CRA P. 

Phrases like:

"This isn't going where i want it to go", or "we want different things in life" or "you are really special to me but I don't feel ready for this with you"... .these are all realistic ways to end a relationship. 

But... ."there was never anything and never will be"... .just rings soo false.  And I called her on it... .I told her that because she was incapable of love didn't mean that I was too... .so maybe there was nothing for her, but there was something for me... .and I told her I felt sorry for her.  And to that she had nothing to say.

[hotncold]

So after my blow up with my BPDgirlfriend for her recycling her ex I got in touch to tell her I was upset and having her ex around didn't work for me.  What did she say? That there was never anything between us, and never will be and I needed to get that through my head, and she was sorry if she misled me... .

Ummm... .what? 

Yes, I was really weary of her, there were so many    so I never wanted to really commit... .but we'd known eachother for a while, and finally started being romantically involved six months ago... .My being non committal I think also made her non committal... . 

But... .to then paint me as someone desperate to be with her, but who wasn't getting her message that she never wanted to be with me ever... .It's like... .WHAT? 

To me it was special.  It was flawed, but it was special. We shared a lot about eachother... .it was intimate... .even if it was totally inconsistent... .and she played the push pull thing the whole time. 

Anyway, I'm a bit hurt hurt that she'd dismissed the "relationship" and me... .but mostly, I'm completely dissatisfied... .because it feels like just another blatant lie.  I mean... .to get closure, I suppose it's important for us to objectively evaluate the relationship for what it was and meant to us.  And, throwing it in the garbage... .well, it's just a load of CRA P. 

Phrases like:

"This isn't going where i want it to go", or "we want different things in life" or "you are really special to me but I don't feel ready for this with you"... .these are all realistic ways to end a relationship. 

But... ."there was never anything and never will be"... .just rings soo false.  And I called her on it... .I told her that because she was incapable of love didn't mean that I was too... .so maybe there was nothing for her, but there was something for me... .and I told her I felt sorry for her.  And to that she had nothing to say.

[Whiteytheox72]

My story almost spot on. Go NC and let me tell you stick to it! I got sucked in and lost NC just shy of three weeks and oh lord its not good.

[caughtnreleased]

getting closure with a pwBPD is almost impossible. I'm not sure why... .but seems to be the common thread from everyone here. I couldn't get it either... .you have to move forward without it.  That's hard for some of us with fragile egos.

[fred6]

getting closure with a pwBPD is almost impossible. I'm not sure why... .but seems to be the common thread from everyone here. I couldn't get it either... .you have to move forward without it.  That's hard for some of us with fragile egos.

It is hard. There were red flags, but if you asked me a year ago if my ex would have done all these things. I would have called you crazy, I guess the joke is on me... .

[ajr5679]

my ex left me and went back to her ex. twice. what mess .

[fred6]

my ex left me and went back to her ex. twice. what mess .

Sounds like her ex is in the same boat as you. Maybe you guys should grab a beer and compare notes, then both go NC. Then watch her scramble around like a roach when you turn the lights on... .

[pieceofme]

But... .to then paint me as someone desperate to be with her, but who wasn't getting her message that she never wanted to be with me ever... .It's like... .WHAT? 

in my last conversation with my ex, he told me the same. this was after he asked me to be his gf again and i politely declined. he then flipped it and claimed exactly what your ex did.

what many people on this board have told me is that it's the disorder speaking. if i remind myself of that, it's a little easier to separate his words from him.

[hotncold]

But... .to then paint me as someone desperate to be with her, but who wasn't getting her message that she never wanted to be with me ever... .It's like... .WHAT? 

in my last conversation with my ex, he told me the same. this was after he asked me to be his gf again and i politely declined. he then flipped it and claimed exactly what your ex did.

what many people on this board have told me is that it's the disorder speaking. if i remind myself of that, it's a little easier to separate his words from him.

Thanks, it helps to hear about other similar experiences.  I think what is so hard is that the disorder so often seems to speak instead of the person... .we know there is a kind, loving person behind the disorder but it's as if they've been silenced, muted, tied up and thrown in a dark corner and this ugly disorder speaks for them.  And there is something so incredibly insincere and false about the disorder when it speaks, and all we want to hear from is the person... .but they,re tied up, and held hostage so there is nothing we can do... .and we just need to walk away.

[pieceofme]

But... .to then paint me as someone desperate to be with her, but who wasn't getting her message that she never wanted to be with me ever... .It's like... .WHAT? 

in my last conversation with my ex, he told me the same. this was after he asked me to be his gf again and i politely declined. he then flipped it and claimed exactly what your ex did.

what many people on this board have told me is that it's the disorder speaking. if i remind myself of that, it's a little easier to separate his words from him.

Thanks, it helps to hear about other similar experiences.  I think what is so hard is that the disorder so often seems to speak instead of the person... .we know there is a kind, loving person behind the disorder but it's as if they've been silenced, muted, tied up and thrown in a dark corner and this ugly disorder speaks for them.  And there is something so incredibly insincere and false about the disorder when it speaks, and all we want to hear from is the person... .but they,re tied up, and held hostage so there is nothing we can do... .and we just need to walk away.

i agree - i feel like the disorder speaks lies, but the words are so callous and hurtful it's hard not to take it to heart... .hard not to believe they really don't feel that way.

this experience has been like mourning the death of that kind, loving person.

[fred6]

But... .to then paint me as someone desperate to be with her, but who wasn't getting her message that she never wanted to be with me ever... .It's like... .WHAT?  

in my last conversation with my ex, he told me the same. this was after he asked me to be his gf again and i politely declined. he then flipped it and claimed exactly what your ex did.

what many people on this board have told me is that it's the disorder speaking. if i remind myself of that, it's a little easier to separate his words from him.

Thanks, it helps to hear about other similar experiences.  I think what is so hard is that the disorder so often seems to speak instead of the person... .we know there is a kind, loving person behind the disorder but it's as if they've been silenced, muted, tied up and thrown in a dark corner and this ugly disorder speaks for them.  And there is something so incredibly insincere and false about the disorder when it speaks, and all we want to hear from is the person... .but they,re tied up, and held hostage so there is nothing we can do... .and we just need to walk away.

I don't know. I think that they have a choice in their actions. It seems to me that they are somewhat lazy and take the easy way out. I know it must be hard dealing with this disorder. But the lack of empathy is incredibly astounding. They have to know how bad they are hurting people. My ex knew about her temper. Hell, the last words she said to me in person when I was leaving was, "I know you think that I'm being a b|tch about all of this". That right there tells me that she knew what she was doing.

[RedDove]

Hot cold, I had a very similar experience as you. However, I was involved with my ex BPDbf for 4 years!

I met him back in June to confront him when I unraveled his lies and cheating with the OW (on back burner since May). He told me that the two of us had not had an "understanding" (relationship) for a year. Just one week prior he told me I was the "love of his life" and he couldn't imagine his life without me. We had even talked about summer vacation plans.

Whilst we were talking, he had this blank look on his face like he was looking off into space and not even there! He said, "hasn't anyone ever used you for sex before?" I was so appalled! We aren't teenagers, he's in his 50's and I'm in my late 40's! He then started crying crocodile tears and said, "I'm not stable, I'm borderline, an alcoholic and addicted to pain killers." that's how I found out he was borderline... .at the end of our encounter!

Unfortunately the disorder always wins! They dissociate the horrid things they do and go into denial to protect themselves. Then onto the replacement in the wings whilst we are left to pick up the shattered pieces of ourselves. It's been a painful journrpey thus far. But, I went NC and am focusing on me, my issues that drew me to him, and living my life BPD free! Once you turn the focus on yourself it will get better, one day at a time!

[hotncold]

ReDove thank you for sharing.  I am sorry you too had to experience this.   It really is a terrible disorder. 

I think what is confusing about this complete dismissal is that we don't know what their intent is: is it to convince themselves that it wasn't real and protect themselves?  is it to hurt us? is it to push us as far away as possible? Is it to provoke us into persuing them even more? 

At no point in my relationship with her did I understand what she WANTED!  I just couldn't for the life of me get this out of her... .

Fred, I think you are right.  Perhaps they are not tied up, but they are afraid, and hiding in a corner as they watch this Monster of a disorder keep everyone at bay because they are too afraid to stand up and tame that monster.  So it's unleashed on us... .and sometimes on them!

it's baffling... .really baffling.

[irishmarmot]

  There is no logic in a BPD relationship and there was no closure for me that made sense.  Now that 9 months have passed, I have closure for myself.  I was involved with a person with a serious mental illness.   It didn't work out.  There's my closure.  I am now faced with my own issuesnow that I have moved on.

[Zpinal]

  There is no logic in a BPD relationship and there was no closure for me that made sense.  Now that 9 months have passed, I have closure for myself.  I was involved with a person with a serious mental illness.   It didn't work out.  There's my closure.  I am now faced with my own issuesnow that I have moved on.

Spot on for me as well, I was involved for a short time 4 months) with a emotionally and mentally ill person, it didn't work out. She dumped me and 2 days later she was with my replacement, same week, she moved in that guys place, 6 weeks later (today) they are engaged, she asked him to marry her LOL talk about full blown idealization phase. I know about her history, shes been engaged too many times to count on 1 hand. No wedding ever happened and if it does, it will end up in a nasty divorce. My replacement has no clue whats coming, the mask seems to be holding well so far. But we all know when the miror become too have, the reflection burns the maks and reveal the tortured soul they really are.

I got that info from common friends as I keep NC. That was pretty much what i needed to get her out of my mind for good. Maybe this kind of news would have devastated me a month ago but now i am through and moving on, went on a couple dates and it was awesome to talk with normal people and not a Bipolar/Borderline/hyper Anxiety/ADD/Alcoholic in recovery ridden person. I got my radar turned on and a set of questions a good friend of mine (Master in psychology) told me to slip in a conversation to detect any traits of mental illnesses. And it works well!

[Whiteytheox72]

Please share these questions!

[Blimblam]

Please share these questions!

I second this

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I joke to myself that my ex has left enough shattered exes in this area code for us to start a support group.  Never again will I give a trainwreck the benefit of the doubt.  People rarely grow or change and borderlines are barely even people.

my ex left me and went back to her ex. twice. what mess .

Sounds like her ex is in the same boat as you. Maybe you guys should grab a beer and compare notes, then both go NC. Then watch her scramble around like a roach when you turn the lights on... .

[caughtnreleased]

Please share these questions!

I second this

Not sure I understand this?

[blissful_camper]

Please share these questions!

I second this

Not sure I understand this?

This by Zpinal:  "I got my radar turned on and a set of questions a good friend of mine (Master in psychology) told me to slip in a conversation to detect any traits of mental illnesses. And it works well!"

I'm curious too. 

[Blimblam]

ReDove thank you for sharing.  I am sorry you too had to experience this.   It really is a terrible disorder. 

I think what is confusing about this complete dismissal is that we don't know what their intent is: is it to convince themselves that it wasn't real and protect themselves?  is it to hurt us? is it to push us as far away as possible? Is it to provoke us into persuing them even more? 

At no point in my relationship with her did I understand what she WANTED!  I just couldn't for the life of me get this out of her... .

Fred, I think you are right.  Perhaps they are not tied up, but they are afraid, and hiding in a corner as they watch this Monster of a disorder keep everyone at bay because they are too afraid to stand up and tame that monster.  So it's unleashed on us... .and sometimes on them!

it's baffling... .really baffling.

It not about us.

They are punishing the abandoned child through us. This makes them feel empowered like this time they are fighting back against the punitive parent.

They find our inner child and strike relentlessly. Triggering our own punitive parent to bear us up.   

They are reliving a past trauma out. We are too by trying to prove our love is good enough to prove the punitive parent wrong. That we are worthy.

[blissful_camper]

ReDove thank you for sharing.  I am sorry you too had to experience this.   It really is a terrible disorder. 

I think what is confusing about this complete dismissal is that we don't know what their intent is: is it to convince themselves that it wasn't real and protect themselves?  is it to hurt us? is it to push us as far away as possible? Is it to provoke us into persuing them even more? 

At no point in my relationship with her did I understand what she WANTED!  I just couldn't for the life of me get this out of her... .

Fred, I think you are right.  Perhaps they are not tied up, but they are afraid, and hiding in a corner as they watch this Monster of a disorder keep everyone at bay because they are too afraid to stand up and tame that monster.  So it's unleashed on us... .and sometimes on them!

it's baffling... .really baffling.

It not about us.

They are punishing the abandoned child through us. This makes them feel empowered like this time they are fighting back against the punitive parent.

They find our inner child and strike relentlessly. Triggering our own punitive parent to bear us up.   

They are reliving a past trauma out. We are too by trying to prove our love is good enough to prove the punitive parent wrong. That we are worthy.

Yep!  And this is why the pattern is the same in each "relationship" that they have.  If anyone is questioning what the replacement is experiencing, Blimblam has summed up what partners of pwBPD experienced before us, and after us.  Sadly, the cycle continues with each partner. 

[Zpinal]

Please share these questions!

I second this

Not sure I understand this?

This by Zpinal:  "I got my radar turned on and a set of questions a good friend of mine (Master in psychology) told me to slip in a conversation to detect any traits of mental illnesses. And it works well!"

I'm curious too. 

I don't want to hijack this thread . But some of those questions are in the like: have you even taken medication? some are quite expansive. Or when talking about health care you may want to slip in the phrase -if you have ever been hospitalized- ... .

some stuff like that. make sure your date don't feel like she/he is being interrogated. You can also detect if they take any responsibilities for their past actions etc. In about an hour conversation, I have a good idea who or what am I talking to, however I am no psychologist nor mental health expert, I tend to follow my guts.

Like  ReluctantSurvivor said:

Don't give a trainwreck the benefit of a doubt, People rarely grow or change and borderlines are barely even people.