Hi I'm Moselle. I am a victim of domestic abuse

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The hard part is that she will claim the same, have little to no evidence. But because you're male, you will be assumed and treated as an abuser.

[AlonelyOne]

The hard part is that she will claim the same, have little to no evidence. But because you're male, you will be assumed and treated as an abuser.

[ForeverDad]

"Been there, done that" too.  Looking back, I am amazed how impacted I was.  When speaking with her I was virtually stuttering because I was weighing each word I spoke to her to avoid triggering her.  And no it didn't work, sometimes she would trigger herself with no input from me.  And after a decade of marriage I found myself unable to look women in the eye, looking down instead, I was so conditioned by her endless jealous insinuations and accusations.

I realized the End Was Near when our child was approaching the same age, 3 years old, when her abuser stepfather had came into her life.  We had been married over a dozen years but she began reliving her childhood through our son and since I was now a father she saw her SF instead of me.  When I could no longer reason with her at all, I had to accept staying any longer with her would put me at risk of wearing an orange jumpsuit for many years.

Precisely how you go about ending the abuse is very important.  In today's world where there are laws favoring one gender over the other, such as "Violence Against Women Act" of 1974 in the USA, it is difficult for the professionals to see us men as targets or victims.  I recall when I spoke with my lawyer about the continuing conflict, he said, "Well, you married her" almost as though I shared the blame.  Replying "Well, the marriage was manageable at first but slowly became 'high maintenance' until we had a child and then it rapidly imploded" didn't garner much sympathy.

When we had our first legal incident, the day I called 911 and the police rushed over, that was the start of her repeated allegations in an attempt to make me look worse than her.  Though I was the one who called 911, she later claimed the police gave her information about DV shelters and resources, however I got nothing from them.  Looking back, I think I was about to get carted off when the officer told me to hand our preschooler over to his mother and 'step away'.  But he shrieked and clung even tighter to me.  What child is afraid to go to his mother?  The officer stared at me for a long moment and then said "work it out" and they left.  Our son saved me that day.  But fortunately I had a recorder in my pocket and recorded the incident and the truth came out in court.  Still, she got off the hook, she was declared Not Guilty in her Threat of DV trial because she didn't have a weapon in her hands and therefore her death threats were classified by the judge's interpretation of case law as not 'imminent' and therefore not actionable.  I am sure that if I had done what she had done I wouldn't have gotten off as lightly as she did.  But that's the reality I had to deal with.

[Take2]

Wow ForeverDad, I believe I read that story about your son's reaction in a different post from you in the past, but it is just truly mind blowing.  How is your son now?  How are YOU now?  I don't know why no matter how much I've gone thru personally and no matter how many stories I read, many (like yours and my own) STILL blow me away.  I suppose I should be lucky that I lived 41 years before I ever encountered someone like this who is so abusive.  And be so glad that my daughter's father is not like that. 

[maxen]

it is difficult for the professionals to see us men as targets or victims.

a little after the time i was raped, another bloke in the area was raped, and went to the crisis center and, i heard, got laughed at.

[Moselle]

a little after the time i was raped, another bloke in the area was raped, and went to the crisis center and, i heard, got laughed at.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing your story here. That must have been shattering for him. But courage  for coming forward. I wonder how many are never reported. Male or female.

In a similar vein I went to a church leader and said that my wife hits and punches me. His response was "I'll have to check with her if you hit her first or retaliated". I said "I have never hit my wife. Not once ever". His response "I don't believe you". She played victim and said she felt emotionally raped that's why she hit me. Very high functioning my wife. Very high. Guess who was believed.

The stereotyping seems ingrained in our societies.

I'm realising for the first time in this post that I can shine a light in my dark corners. It's one small light but it's a light.

I shared with my daughter today, that I will never again tolerate that kind of abuse by anybody. My daughters will grow up knowing what is acceptable/not acceptable by male or female.

That might be the extent of my reach, but I will educate who I can.

Interestingly I heard a talk show by a woman presenter the other day, who said "tonight we are going to raise a topic which I think uncovers a part of society we very seldom hear. "Female on male abuse". She asked the listeners to call in and there was a stream of men who opened up. It's happening, but happening slowly. She was great!

[maxen]

It's happening, but happening slowly.

it is. that incident i related was 20 or 21 years ago, and i don't think it would happen today, but you still read pretzellogical stuff like this:

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/may/18/solange-jay-z-beyonce-fight-assault-domestic-violence-men-women

[JRav59]

I was in a lesbian relationship with a BPD for 3 years. I am 5'8", 165 lbs, she is 5'3" 125 lbs.  When someone has not filter, it doesn't matter how small they are. They can do some damage.

I tried to break up with her one night. She attacked me. Pinned me to the ground, hand at my throat and told me she would make my life a living hell if I broke it off. I didn't retaliate because I am not a violent person. Not only that, I was not about to engage in that.   There were times she'd threaten, "No one will ever believe that I hurt you. I'll tell everyone it was you."

I didn't even realize that I was keeping this stuff under my hat and under wraps. I downplayed things. I never told our therapist when we were in couples counseling. The gas lighting started after couples counseling.  So now I was the one who was crazy. According to my therapist, she could tell my ex was terrified that I was going to out her abut something.  It wasn't until I finally said goodbye that the fog lifted. I started speaking out... .

I understand the importance of saying you were abused, Moselle. It gives you power to take charge of your life. To not feel like you are at the mercy of a mentally unstable person. To get out of the sickness handed to you by someone else.    

[livednlearned]

Perhaps I could ask your advice on something. I'm going back there tomorrow for 5 or 6 days. I'M Gung Ho to just be open about this and tell everyone around her, but intuitively that seems to a poor strategy.  What I really want is a  selected group of friends be aware and interace  with my kids as much as possible as role models and alternative adult figures. .

It might not go down well, with me seemingly diagnosing her.

Hi Moselle,

How are you doing? Did you decide to share your story with people in your life?

LnL

[Moselle]

Thanks for asking LnL.

She's making life very difficult, but I'm not playing that game any more. And its amazing that once I made that choice, its been possible to separate her emotions from mine.

I mentioned BPD to a retired, close friend of the family who lives one block away. He listened. He asked if he could find a book about it, so I took my copy of "Stop walking on eggshells" over to his house. He started to ask questions and we ended up talking for 2 hours as I read different parts of the book with him. I said to him that it has been such a lonely road, and it meant alot to know that someone else knew. W also trusts him implicitly which is an opportunity. He said he'd like to help, but understanding it will mean that he's not adding to the problem. Wow, first effort in shining the sunlight went very well!

W says she's filing for divorce today. I think this might be the one? (after 25 such threats) because her parents are behind it now, and I can understand that they think I am abusing her, by the way she carries on. The mother is deffo one of BPD, NPD or both, and I'm shining the warm sunlight on the dark family secrets, so I'm becoming the lightning rod so to speak. Well that's a price I'm willing to pay for my kids.

W's also threatening to pull the children out of school and move to her parent's city. As I start shining the light close to her, she may go back to the dark places she's used to at her parent's home. No problem. I'll start shining the light there too. This is my children's mental health we are dealing with and she has no idea how determined I am to help my kids.

I'm spending time with the children just keeping them close and being stable for them. That part is going really well :-)

Something is going to happen soon. And I'm not sure if it will be a break-up (divorce) or reconciliation, but one thing I do know is that I won't be abused like that again. I still catch myself getting lost in the FOG, but I forgive myself and move on.

There is a solid backbone growing in me, which has been in large measure due to the support and information I've received on this site!

[maxen]

Wow, first effort in shining the sunlight went very well!

 

this was my experience too. i chose carefully but the response was beyond what i could have expected. it helped stabilize me. so glad to read it went well for you!

[yeeter]

I applaud you Moselle, and hope that this public admission accelerates the growth and healing.



I have not, and will never publically discuss my abuse. 

Well done.   

[ForeverDad]

W says she's filing for divorce today. I think this might be the one? (after 25 such threats) because her parents are behind it now, and I can understand that they think I am abusing her, by the way she carries on.

Likely she will be making allegations either in the court filings, separately with evaluators or children's services agencies.  Do you have documentation (I used recordings as my 'insurance' that you're not the one misbehaving and rewriting history?

One way I describe how the pwBPD feels when facing separation or divorce is that he/she must make repeated allegations so that, no matter how bad he/she looks, you appear worse than him/her.  For example, when my ex had temp custody during the divorce and she raged at the pediatricians' staff for allowing me to make an appointment (which I informed her about), she was consequently 'fired' - in the letter sent her they termed it "withdrawal of services".  So what did she do?  She had to make me look worse than her.  So a week later she took our son who had just started kindergarten to our local children's hospital.  Somehow she managed for the first time to get him to parrot her claims.  He stated I had raged at him and beat him on his shins of all places!  Even the nurse making the report noted they were normal bruises for a very active boy but based on his statements the hospital referred it to CPS.  CPS called me in, I shared with them that my son had wanted me to see his bruise and when I asked how he got it he couldn't remember then said maybe it was when he was on the monkey bars at a park with his mom!  CPS thanked me for my information but had already interviewed son at supposed neutral school and were going to close the case.

I ask because when both parents are making allegations against each other, then (1) it can easily turn into hearsay such as "he-said, she-said" or (2) defaulting to siding with the mother.  Remember too that you'll be speaking reasonable and she'll be very emotional when making her allegations, trying to transform her emotionally charged claims into her 'facts'.  And yes they can be very emotionally compelling to the unwary and gullible.  As in, "If she's that worked up about it, then it must be true."

[livednlearned]

She's making life very difficult, but I'm not playing that game any more. And its amazing that once I made that choice, its been possible to separate her emotions from mine.

That's powerful, Moselle. Whole new world ahead for you 

Wow, first effort in shining the sunlight went very well!

I'm really glad to hear that! Have you read any of Brene Brown's work about vulnerability and shame? She has a book (and TED talk) called Daring Greatly. I remember she says that people have to earn the right to hear your story. Shining sunlight can warm us and help us see better, but it can also be too bright so we can't see anything, and too hot to handle. The goal is to find the sweet spot so you can grow from this.

W says she's filing for divorce today. I think this might be the one? (after 25 such threats) because her parents are behind it now, and I can understand that they think I am abusing her, by the way she carries on. The mother is deffo one of BPD, NPD or both, and I'm shining the warm sunlight on the dark family secrets, so I'm becoming the lightning rod so to speak. Well that's a price I'm willing to pay for my kids.

It's powerful stuff to be vulnerable like this. What I have noticed is that when people are not able to confront their own shame, they cannot handle seeing you deal with yours.

W's also threatening to pull the children out of school and move to her parent's city. As I start shining the light close to her, she may go back to the dark places she's used to at her parent's home. No problem. I'll start shining the light there too. This is my children's mental health we are dealing with and she has no idea how determined I am to help my kids.

I'm spending time with the children just keeping them close and being stable for them. That part is going really well :-)

Focusing on what it means to be emotionally healthy is the best gift you can give your child. They will experience your example and try out your moves  and more than likely, it will feel better than what they've ever known.

We are meant to feel connected to each other through our most vulnerable feelings, not afraid of those feelings.



LnL