BPD behavior when you know the "joke" is up

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am slowly recovering from my 4 year involvement with my exBPDgf.  For the longest time in our relationship before I found out about BPD I was just lost in a fog like most of you. I spent over two years literally thinking I was crazy and I was at fault for everything. Then my saving grace came when I found out about BPD and starting researching and connecting the dots. At this time basically when I stated to figure it out she split me black from a romantic standpoint broke up with me for good (we had been through many recycles) it crushed me. My question is how many of you had the experience  of when you finally start connecting the dots and realizing what's going on it is as if the PWBPD can sense that and knows their crap is going to stop working and boom they drop you fall out of love with you.

In my case once I found it out of course I wanted to stick it out and see her through it all but I KNEW how to approach the problem, or so I though. I think once I began approaching BPD issues correctly and stopped hating myself she cut me off.  I stuck around as a friend hoping I could see her through it and the girl I adored would come back eventually but that is never the case and I was highly naive. Even in our friendship she would cut me off in and out as new replacements came along. Then finally finally on her newest relationship I spoke to a close friend of ours about how the new rs is going in detail and it was textbook BPD. This was hurtful and also validating that the puzzle is perfectly put together now. I am now 8 weeks NC and struggling but I know it is the best for me and the only thing that will allow me to finally be free.

I think now that her real reason why she had to split me black was because she knew that I knew her game inside and out.

[trampledfoot]

I am slowly recovering from my 4 year involvement with my exBPDgf.  For the longest time in our relationship before I found out about BPD I was just lost in a fog like most of you. I spent over two years literally thinking I was crazy and I was at fault for everything. Then my saving grace came when I found out about BPD and starting researching and connecting the dots. At this time basically when I stated to figure it out she split me black from a romantic standpoint broke up with me for good (we had been through many recycles) it crushed me. My question is how many of you had the experience  of when you finally start connecting the dots and realizing what's going on it is as if the PWBPD can sense that and knows their crap is going to stop working and boom they drop you fall out of love with you.

In my case once I found it out of course I wanted to stick it out and see her through it all but I KNEW how to approach the problem, or so I though. I think once I began approaching BPD issues correctly and stopped hating myself she cut me off.  I stuck around as a friend hoping I could see her through it and the girl I adored would come back eventually but that is never the case and I was highly naive. Even in our friendship she would cut me off in and out as new replacements came along. Then finally finally on her newest relationship I spoke to a close friend of ours about how the new rs is going in detail and it was textbook BPD. This was hurtful and also validating that the puzzle is perfectly put together now. I am now 8 weeks NC and struggling but I know it is the best for me and the only thing that will allow me to finally be free.

I think now that her real reason why she had to split me black was because she knew that I knew her game inside and out.

[fred6]

I am slowly recovering from my 4 year involvement with my exBPDgf.  For the longest time in our relationship before I found out about BPD I was just lost in a fog like most of you. I spent over two years literally thinking I was crazy and I was at fault for everything. Then my saving grace came when I found out about BPD and starting researching and connecting the dots. At this time basically when I stated to figure it out she split me black from a romantic standpoint broke up with me for good (we had been through many recycles) it crushed me. My question is how many of you had the experience  of when you finally start connecting the dots and realizing what's going on it is as if the PWBPD can sense that and knows their crap is going to stop working and boom they drop you fall out of love with you.

In my case once I found it out of course I wanted to stick it out and see her through it all but I KNEW how to approach the problem, or so I though. I think once I began approaching BPD issues correctly and stopped hating myself she cut me off.  I stuck around as a friend hoping I could see her through it and the girl I adored would come back eventually but that is never the case and I was highly naive. Even in our friendship she would cut me off in and out as new replacements came along. Then finally finally on her newest relationship I spoke to a close friend of ours about how the new rs is going in detail and it was textbook BPD. This was hurtful and also validating that the puzzle is perfectly put together now. I am now 8 weeks NC and struggling but I know it is the best for me and the only thing that will allow me to finally be free.

I think now that her real reason why she had to split me black was because she knew that I knew her game inside and out.

I didn't know until the very end. She was displaying signs of cheating on me and said another guys name in her sleep. I did some snooping and found her talking to this guy on FB. A few days later I had a talk with her about her being distant, without letting on that I knew about the other guy. I wanted her to fess up on her own. Not, she proceeded to break up with me and tell me to find a place to live. It took me about 7-8 weeks to find a place to live. In the mean time, she then avoided me, acted like I was never born, and rage whenever I talked to her about our relationship. I had to sit on the sofa(where she made me sleep) and watch her go out late at night and return home the next morning after she spent the night with new supply. That was the most hurtful thing that anyone's ever done to me.

In the end, I was the one that ignored the red flags. But honestly, the 3 years together wasn't that bad from my perspective. It wasn't until I started researching things on the internet that I suspected that she had more than depression and anxiety. I'm glad to have found this place, albeit too late to affect the relationship any. But from what I've read, the relationship was doomed anyhow. So now I sit in misery, thinking of the future that was taken from me. Ain't life grand?

[Loveofhislife]

I do believe they sense/know when the gig is up--it's part of their radar to prevent abandonment. I'm so sorry for what they have put us through: harrowing. I don't KNOW that exbfBPD was/is cheating. He definitely started distancing, as you put it. And like so many of us; the distancing started right after we had agreed to move in together and were seriously looking for our "dream" home. So, was he triggered by intimacy? Fear of commitment? Abandonment? Tonight my wise 18 year old daughter said his suddenly going "ghost" on me is his way of wanting me to beg him to talk--to communicate. I asked, "Why won't he just leave my key under the mat?" She answered that this is his only way of feeling in control and feels that he has the upper hand in the the relationship. It's a weird thought; on August 1, after a year+ relationship, I asked him to please pay me back what he had committed to pay with his VERY LARGE, monthly paycheck. He raged at me. Left my house (after being attached to my hip for 12 months) and never has called or come by again.

[Infern0]

I honestly had no idea what I was involved with whatsoever until after it was over.

I didn't even know what red flags WERE.

I honestly thought even after she told me all her problems and so much bad stuff I still thought that if I just loved her and took care of her that I could make her happy.

So unbelievably naive

[peiper]

The last time mine split I started talking to a T and he said that she was more then likely BPD. When she came back I told her, and got not even a response. If someone told me they thought I had mental problems I would have had something to say ! Her ten grand in bills for so called marriage counseling from her last marriage I think now was for BPD.

[Blimblam]

I do believe they sense/know when the gig is up--it's part of their radar to prevent abandonment. I'm so sorry for what they have put us through: harrowing. I don't KNOW that exbfBPD was/is cheating. He definitely started distancing, as you put it. And like so many of us; the distancing started right after we had agreed to move in together and were seriously looking for our "dream" home. So, was he triggered by intimacy? Fear of commitment? Abandonment? Tonight my wise 18 year old daughter said his suddenly going "ghost" on me is his way of wanting me to beg him to talk--to communicate. I asked, "Why won't he just leave my key under the mat?" She answered that this is his only way of feeling in control and feels that he has the upper hand in the the relationship. It's a weird thought; on August 1, after a year+ relationship, I asked him to please pay me back what he had committed to pay with his VERY LARGE, monthly paycheck. He raged at me. Left my house (after being attached to my hip for 12 months) and never has called or come by again.

Yeah that critical point when the mirroring fails and we want answers.

[myself]

I told her I knew what was up, and that I loved her.

I offered friendship, partnership, trust, help. A home together.

She was like a cartoon character speeding off in a cloud of smoke.

[Infern0]

I told her I knew what was up, and that I loved her.

I offered friendship, partnership, trust, help. A home together.

She was like a cartoon character speeding off in a cloud of smoke.

Lol hilarious,  same here.

It was weird because the whole time I was cool on things just having fun she LOVED me,  then it got to the root of it where SHE suddenly wanted to talk and laid all of these problems and issues on me, and my response was,  "it's ok, I love you and will support you through anything" and she's like "Thankyou,  Thankyou so much" and then that was it, devalued the next day and into push/pull.

Ffffffffffffffff

[AlwaysForgiving]

I totally agree. I know her like the back of my hand and I know the things she does before she does them.

But, I am also the only one in her life that calls her out on her actions and has confronted her about the possibility of BPD. For that, I am truly painted black and she keeps her distance from me other than breaking NC every month or two.

[Bak86]

I told her she needed help(didn't even know about BPD back then) when she broke up with me. Became really defensive and told me that all psychologists are frauds. She is a total mess now and i've offered help numerous times, even little things like grocery shopping for her and all. But no, she can do it on her own(which she clearly can't). Last fight we had, i told her: "Good luck with your BPD life". Complete hot and cold behavior from her side now. Sometimes she is completely silent towards me and sometimes when i see her, she treats me like the beginning of our relationship. Total mind___.

[trampledfoot]

I honestly had no idea what I was involved with whatsoever until after it was over.

I didn't even know what red flags WERE.

I honestly thought even after she told me all her problems and so much bad stuff I still thought that if I just loved her and took care of her that I could make her happy.

So unbelievably naive

Wow this is kind of funny, I cannot tell you how many times I said the above almost word for word. I am finally starting to think YOU CANNOT LOVE HER ENOUGH, you cannot sacrifice enough, you cannot rip your heart out enough times, it will never EVER be enough. OF course this is hard, but its the truth and like you said SO NAIVE to think that we are strong enough to ride this out. In fact I think it is the strong ones who feel it the most because we will not give up and we will not quit.   

That said it will be the strong ones who triumph over this and leave them in the dust and wind up even stronger in the end.

I appreciate everyone's input on this... .it was so troubling to me for so long. I spent years having no clue what BPD was i thought everyone was capable of love. Had a good psych friend of mine never mention it to me I don't know where i would be. It was my answer to everything and I thought NOW i have the keys to fix this... .but the more you learn about BPD the more you realize that unless the BPD has the keys... .it doesnt matter. 

[Waifed]

I totally agree. I know her like the back of my hand and I know the things she does before she does them.

But, I am also the only one in her life that calls her out on her actions and has confronted her about the possibility of BPD. For that, I am truly painted black and she keeps her distance from me other than breaking NC every month or two.

Same here.  It seems to do the trick.  Funny how you can't get away from them and then all of the sudden you mention BPD and they are gone like the wind.    They run away to survive another day.

[Mermaid lover]

No you could never love them enough. They don't know what it really means to love. They don't understand it to be able to really know what it means. For them, its just to fulfill their need.

The more you read up on BP, the More you can understand it and understand them.

I've learned, the more I understand this "illness", the more I feel compassion for my ex.

Its going on 2 months since HE broke up with me. I guess he started devaluing me when he knew I wasn't going to be the victim to his cruel behavior anymore. I called him out on his crap and he couldn't handle it.

THe thing that hurts the most is that I gave him 4 years of my life. I basically sacrificed my wants to make him happy. And when I moved it (again to make him happy), he had been "good" for the most part. It wasn't until the last few months where he was acting like a complete stranger.

My story, like most of us here, is an incredibly long one, and its almost identical to what others have gone through. So far everything I've read had me laugh a little because It was incredibly disturbing how many have and/or still, going through the same craziness. All different ppl, with same stories.

My bp left me. Where he was basically attached to my hip for 4 years. I can only assume, he found someone else to fulfill his needs- where I, somehow, couldn't. These ppl are very ill.  Its not you. Its all about them and how they can get what they want, and once they've sucked your life dry, they'll move on to the next one.

Yes, I'm still bitter because I'm still very much in love with him. But I know realize he could never love me. He probably never did - not in the true definition of what love really is.

I'm completely heart broken. But I know I will find my true love one day. That possibility makes me happy.

[Loveofhislife]

No you could never love them enough. They don't know what it really means to love. They don't understand it to be able to really know what it means. For them, its just to fulfill their need... .I basically sacrificed my wants to make him happy... .It wasn't until the last few months where he was acting like a complete stranger... .My bp left me. Where he was basically attached to my hip for 4 years. I can only assume, he found someone else to fulfill his needs- where I, somehow, couldn't... Its all about them and how they can get what they want, and once they've sucked your life dry, they'll move on to the next one... .But I know realize he could never love me. He probably never did - not in the true definition of what love really is.

Mermaid--I edited your quote down to excerpts that sound SO similar. After a year of professing his undying and eternal love for me, "No one has ever cared for me the way you have; you are the best friend I have ever had; etc. etc." I was utterly abandoned with little or no warning. Distancing and increasing mood volatility, but no "known" cheating, and no "this is the end" discussions. One week before his "rapture," he was so cold and angry all week--told me he was going to go "dark" be ":)arkman" again. I just thought it was a bit of a threat. Days later, after being devalued non-stop; I started weeping and wailing (uncontrollably)--I don't really know where it came from. But he was like you say, "a stranger." Finally, I cried out; "You don't love me; you never loved me." He said nothing. I asked, "How do you know you love me?" His reluctant answer was, "Well... .I think we have fun together?" This was the man who could not be apart from me more than a few minutes or connected by voice or text on the phone. One week later in an argument about money he owed, he said, "I'll pay you back your f'in money." The easy answer is he didn't want to pay me back--in your words, I believe he felt he had taken all there was and would go "dark" until the next. The "buck" truly stopped here on August 1--have not heard his voice since.

[goateeki]

This is a very insightful thread!

For me, the marriage collapsed when I pointed out that she exhibited none of the behaviors that would signal that she really wanted (on an emotional level) me in her life, that she was proud or grateful to have me as her husband and the father of her children -- in short, that I was valued.  I told her that everything she did had the flavor of her discharging a duty.

She completely shut down and kicked me out of the bedroom.  That was nearly six months ago.  Now I am divorcing my wife of 19 years, mother of two school age children. 

The second you make it clear that you have an emotional need and that you know they're faking it, it's done.  No moment of realization, no desire to work on it, no heart.  Summary dismissal.

[Mermaid lover]

Wow Goat, and Love... .I feel a lump in my throat reading these posts because i know what its like; to give everything... .all of you... only to have them dispose you like a used Kleenex. It makes me sick to my stomach.

And Love... .what you just said  "professing his undying and eternal love for me, "No one has ever cared for me the way you have; you are the best friend I have ever had; etc." - those were his EXACT words to me.

Honestly I do believe that considering his upbringing and the ppl in his life - except it wasn't good enough for him bcuz at the end, when he left the way he did, flipping my world around, going through the aftermath of his destruction, it was actually I that was abandoned and left picking up the pieces of something that i will never fully comprehend.

All that is left now is rebuilding. And rebirthing the most important person who I lost in that relationship- which was me.

[2014]

I would love to hear your story. The male BPD seems to be a tad bit different than the female BPD. If you feel like it, please do share with us. My xBPDbf left me as well. I was replaced before he decided to inform me.

No you could never love them enough. They don't know what it really means to love. They don't understand it to be able to really know what it means. For them, its just to fulfill their need.

The more you read up on BP, the More you can understand it and understand them.

I've learned, the more I understand this "illness", the more I feel compassion for my ex.

Its going on 2 months since HE broke up with me. I guess he started devaluing me when he knew I wasn't going to be the victim to his cruel behavior anymore. I called him out on his crap and he couldn't handle it.

THe thing that hurts the most is that I gave him 4 years of my life. I basically sacrificed my wants to make him happy. And when I moved it (again to make him happy), he had been "good" for the most part. It wasn't until the last few months where he was acting like a complete stranger.

My story, like most of us here, is an incredibly long one, and its almost identical to what others have gone through. So far everything I've read had me laugh a little because It was incredibly disturbing how many have and/or still, going through the same craziness. All different ppl, with same stories.

My bp left me. Where he was basically attached to my hip for 4 years. I can only assume, he found someone else to fulfill his needs- where I, somehow, couldn't. These ppl are very ill.  Its not you. Its all about them and how they can get what they want, and once they've sucked your life dry, they'll move on to the next one.

Yes, I'm still bitter because I'm still very much in love with him. But I know realize he could never love me. He probably never did - not in the true definition of what love really is.

I'm completely heart broken. But I know I will find my true love one day. That possibility makes me happy.

[ajr5679]

The first time she left me . she just walked out and I did not here from her for 6 months. nothing! I did not no what was happening.   I found out she was back with her ex. so I moved on but I was already addicted to her by this time.

the second time she needed a place to live so I allowed her to move in with me. then her son needed to move in with us also. this triggered her and she went back to her ex . she would say that she just could not handle her son. by this time I was so addicted to her that I allowed her to stay at my place . then her son was get worse (long story). the only way to get her son out of her life was to leave which I was thankful for. but I was still addicted to her. I was being abused by her son and her. I did not know how to live with out the abuse by now. my self esteem was gone I could not even put my sentence together. so she left and went back to her ex . the son went to jail. for the abuse that he did to me.

the third time . I knew what was going on and I could see that she repeated everything again. this time I was ready. I was still addicted to her ,but I wanted it to stop. I wanted me back.

she brought her son back to live with and I was not going to have it. this is the only time I stood up to her.

[anxiety5]

I gave in for so long until it consumed me. I managed to maintain some sanity because I suspected long ago something was up. At first I was convinced it was NPD, and it still is but I was directed to BPD and the fact that all BPD are NPD's. That bridged the gap. I still proceeded normally and at times would forget because things could be so good (for a month or so at a time)  I knew something was up but I didn't recognize the fact that it was cyclical until recently. I decided to give it one last shot by totally investing myself, make her life easier and give her a break from a stressful job and being a single mom. I took up tasks, ran errands and acted accordingly. See, I did love her and could validate my behavior by saying to myself, well I would marry her so I shouldn't feel devalued by taking on some of these tasks despite not living here. I'm helping her out and can mitigate her stress.  It worked or seemed to for a bit. But, inevitably it started to build up again, the comments started, the emotional overloads and I was the one who confronted her at the end regarding her comments, belittlement and behavior. She said hurtful things to me and I couldn't take it anymore. I dropped the BPD hints and felt guilt right away. She distanced herself and texts me for several days. Intermittently she would tell me how much she loved me and then be cold and distant after I responded by saying I wanted to work through things. This became insulting to me and I know my expectations should be different because of her condition, the facts are my values aren't. I don't have time to waste on people who emotionally abuse me and then distance themselves when I simply want to discuss things like an adult. After she blew off a plan we had to talk, I told her I couldn't do this anymore. It wasn't going to work. She has texted me today and will for the near future but I'm not going to respond to any of them. Finding your boundaries is liberating (kind of an oxymoron right) but it's true. Done.

[fred6]

I honestly had no idea what I was involved with whatsoever until after it was over.

I didn't even know what red flags WERE.

I honestly thought even after she told me all her problems and so much bad stuff I still thought that if I just loved her and took care of her that I could make her happy.

So unbelievably naive

Yes sir. It's still like a dream that turned into a nightmare. If I look back, I can slowly see the transformation. But in hindsight it's like staring a piece of fruit that is going rotten. You can't see it on an ongoing basis. If you stare at it constantly, you don't see the changes. Only over time can you see what happened. Even if I knew everything about BPD at the time, the fruit still would have went rotten eventually... .

[going places]

My question is how many of you had the experience  of when you finally start connecting the dots and realizing what's going on it is as if the PWBPD can sense that and knows their crap is going to stop working and boom they drop you fall out of love with you

March 2014

2.5 years after I caught him in the affair.

THEN I started calling him on his behavior. I KNEW what he was doing.

My abuse advocate shared a lot of information with me, and when I drew the line and let him know I would NO longer take his abuse; that's when he really checked out.

He was 'faking'; really not even trying to 'reconcile'... .he was just hoping to keep me down so I would fall back in line and give him what he wanted out of me...

Not this time.

So he cranked up the silent treatment, ignoring, eye rolling, etc... .

And I divorced him, and threw him out.

It was eye opening when I saw him follow the pattern of behavior I read in the books to a T.

That was enough for me.

Sorry, there's not enough duc tape, bailing wire and bubble gum in this world to fix him, and it's NOT my problem.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Yes... .i have been with two BPDs sadly... .

i didnt it was BPD with the first one until

years later... .but when she sensed i was done playing

her game she was out!

same with this one (hes male) females btw are much

more intense than male BPDs... but male BPDs have more sociopathic tendencies... .

anyway... he knows i know the game and he stopped trying to keep me and pretend

he was changing... breakups more frequent... .

yes he can tell... which is why im sure hes not reaching out.

someone up there said when they know the gig is up they jet.

thats been my experience with two BPDs who are very different people.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I honestly had no idea what I was involved with whatsoever until after it was over.

I didn't even know what red flags WERE.

I honestly thought even after she told me all her problems and so much bad stuff I still thought that if I just loved her and took care of her that I could make her happy.

So unbelievably naive

There are so many posts on this thread I want to quote! I am not sure how to break them all up so this is an overall reply to all involved.  I've been coming on this site for about a week and a half now and this is by far the one thread I can relate too entirely.  Inferno I chose to directly reply to yours because I feel like we were in the same relationship, with the same person.  There were certain things within our relationship that at times left me scratching my head, and we had some trust issues, but for the most part I thought we were ok.  Her life was a bit of a roller coaster but I was always there to catch her.  I loved her and in my mind in a relationship, that's what you do.  You stand by your partners side.  She was never verbally/physically abusive to me.  At times she would be hot and cold but I just figured she was going through her emotions.  Never did I think she was idealizing/devaluing me.  (I never heard of that terminology until we broke up)  She had some deep rooted emotional issues, never seemed like she gave 100% in anything, but what did I care?  I loved her for who she was, not her short comings.

Then she lost a job, got another job, her car broke down, she was spending impulsively, we got in a fight, she needed a time out decided she was moving out of state but wanted to continue a long distance relationship.  What.was.I.thinking?  I thought she was depressed so I figured if her doing that was going to save her/and us... .why not support it?  We had planned visits, holidays etc.  It was hard considering I had spent 3 yrs of my life with her and she was just gone. 

Our relationship wasn't on the rocks (I mean now that I look back there were some pretty glaring issues) but at the time we were ok.  We had just spent the entire weekend together. It was like a bus hit me out of no where.  One month into the LD certain things weren't adding up so I began questioning.  I distanced myself a little b/c I thought u know what, maybe I've just never given her the chance to miss me.

Boy did that backfire, she broke up with me the next day through a text message.  Said her feelings have changed, she doesn't feel the same, and she just can't do a LDR.  She loved me but couldn't keep hurting me.

It wasn't until it was over that I had to have answers.  One month ago I was told I was her world, we had plans, my family was her family, I had her heart and to keep it safe then all of the sudden... .it just changes?  I know there are some malicious people out there but this was just too much.  After some reflecting I knew there were some bigger issues.  I then stumbled across BPD.  The more I read the more it hurt.  My relationship wasn’t at all what I thought it was.  At least I had some clarity.  I wrestled with my thoughts wondering if I was just grasping at straws but I then realized this was my reality.  All I wanted to do was make her feel safe, loved, special b/c I was told no one ever had.  They all cheated, abandoned her, and betrayed her. 

I was clueless.  So completely clueless.  I still sit her scratching my head and asking myself, “How did I allow myself to think that this was... .normal?”

[clydegriffith]

I was with the BPDx about two years. A found out about BPD about a year into it by googling "violent women" and "pathological liars". I was in shock at the descriptions of BPD as, aside from the drinking or hurting themsleves, she fit the description to a tee. I tried to talk to her about it, and tried to make her understand. I even gave her the walking on eggshells book which she said she would read. All my attempts to try and fix the relationship were to no avail though. The rages didn't really stop, and she continued acting out on her impuslive urges to sleep with anyone that looked her way.