Need Support and Advice--ending the cycle

[Bee Girl]

Hello,

I think I previously posted to the wrong board. I am in the part of the cycle where my bf (diagnosed with bipolar and on lithium but I'm pretty sure BPD) has had an outburst of verbal abuse and shaming, I'm taking a time out and it is here, in this part of what is clearly a cycle, that I feel the healthy need to detach for good and end the relationship. I know in a day or a week he will drop his silent treatment and act as if nothing is wrong. If I am "lucky" he will apologize. I will feel embarrassing relief that it's "over" and settle for this, as good as it gets, knowing it's not a healthy way to live if only to avoid loneliness or hold onto a nice life, if I play my cards right (meaning, I compromise myself and walk on eggshells and absorb the damage.) I recognize there's been progress but I don't think I will ever have the good without the bad, and, almost more importantly, the anticipation of and minute by minute adjustments to avoid the bad.

We live in a home that I own. I've asked him to leave before and he either scoffs at me and escalates or pretends nothing is wrong until I wear down. I've left for a night or two. I don't know how to end this without leaving my own home, or enduring a cataclysmic blow out.

I think about looking for a sublet, or a housesitting gig, or just sticking to my guns in giving him time to move out, but the last one hasn't worked, and I know I'm part of that problem. I long for a clean break.

I need advice on thinking this through now, before I just once again settle for this cycle.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Bee Girl, I think you're on the right track.  The only way to end the roller coaster ride is to get off, in my view.  We have all gone to great lengths I suspect to placate our disordered SO's, but it sounds like an extreme solution for you to vacate your own house.  Yet I think it's a good thing that you are trying to come up with creative ways to move on.  This may sound harsh, but you can always evict your SO if necessary, perhaps while living somewhere safe if you need to.  I understand that it's hard to see the path when you're lost in a dark wood.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[fromheeltoheal]

A friend of mine was in this situation, and she filed a restraining order; the conditions were that he had to stay 100 yards from her at all times, meaning he couldn't be in the house, and if he tried, cops were called.  Of course that's going to war in a big way, and the explosion of a borderline is not pretty; do you have support around you?

Kudos for making the decision to end it, it is not easy, and the follow-through can get ugly, but if you focus on a bright future without him and persevere, you will surely get it.  Take care of you!

[Pingo]

Hi Bee Girl,  I can relate to what you are going through.  I live in a house that is in my name so couldn't just move and leave him there.  When I asked my ex to move out I was pretty stressed that he was going to make it a nightmare.  Luckily it only took a few weeks once reality set in for him.  He spent the first week trying to change my mind and then when he realised I wasn't going to he painted me black and started packing.  I consider myself lucky, it could have been a lot worse.  He did take some of my things and won't return them though, unfortunately I wasn't there when he packed & moved (I was always at work) so I would recommend putting valuables or things that you cherish in safekeeping with a friend or something.  They become very vindictive once they know you are done with the nonsense.  And you always have the option of calling the police and getting a restraining order if he becomes threatening. Wishing you all the best.

[Bee Girl]

Thanks for your replies. We're in a stalemate of the silent treatment. I'm just honestly afraid to initiate the conversation. I've asked him to leave or told him it's over many times, but it's usually been in the middle (or shortly after) a dsyregulation episode and in my experience usually escalates matters so I'm afraid.

I'm also afraid I'll lose my nerve and start hoping things will change, but only to avoid what might be a very difficult ending. It's a short term easy solution to do nothing. I don't want to settle for that anymore. Even at the best of times I'm not really comfortable in his presence. At the worst of times, I'm afraid.

My only support in this relationship stress are these boards... .I stopped telling the friends I confide in a while back about how things are because I was ashamed that I stayed in the relationship.

I'm looking for the words.

[Rifka]

Thanks for your replies. We're in a stalemate of the silent treatment. I'm just honestly afraid to initiate the conversation. I've asked him to leave or told him it's over many times, but it's usually been in the middle (or shortly after) a dsyregulation episode and in my experience usually escalates matters so I'm afraid.

I'm also afraid I'll lose my nerve and start hoping things will change, but only to avoid what might be a very difficult ending. It's a short term easy solution to do nothing. I don't want to settle for that anymore. Even at the best of times I'm not really comfortable in his presence. At the worst of times, I'm afraid.

My only support in this relationship stress are these boards... .I stopped telling the friends I confide in a while back about how things are because I was ashamed that I stayed in the relationship.

I'm looking for the words.

Hi Bee girl,

You said you were afraid, is he abusive verbally or physically? What are you afraid of? If you are afraid of him literally because of abuse, then I would suggest a restraining order to protect yourself and get your home back.

Most times friends don't understand us nons unless they have lived through BPD. I also felt embarrassed after awhile and stopped talking to my friends about my relationship. I couldn't understand why I stayed, so how could they?


This place is so wonderful because we all understand, vent, debate, support, and talk and talk about it until we are exhausted, we laugh, we cry and we joke about things and it's all okay.

Rifka

[fromheeltoheal]

My only support in this relationship stress are these boards

You've been here for over a year and you haven't posted much; hopefully you're getting enough support.  It would be beneficial when you're about to make a big change to get some real-world support, like maybe the kind you pay for like a therapist?  Or maybe confide in your friends again, making the support you need to end it more important than the ashamed feeling?

In any case there are folks around here who are much more knowledgeable on the logistics of an escape from a bad situation, but to me the steps are clear:

1. Make a decision, a real decision.  The word 'decision' literally means to cut off any other possibility, a 100% commitment.

2. Make a plan.  Will cops and lawyers be involved?  :)o you have a plan B and maybe a plan C?

3. Act.  And don't look back.

Power to you Bee, and we're always here.  Take care of you!

[Bee Girl]

Thanks. I'll call to set up an appointment with a T today. I have health insurance and a reference from my doctor.

I'm afraid of the conflict. He's very adept at twisting things, as you can imagine. The abuse is verbal, and even if he's not spewing or berating (he's better at managing that for the most part) just the cold hostility is extremely unpleasant. That intense disdain is really difficult to experience, it immediately gets my ire up, and I struggle not to be reactive. I'm afraid he'll drag it out, as he's done before, until he wears me down. It usually ends with him tearful and acting like the victim, but not before I've been put through the ringer. You know how it is. But, I'm much, much better at not engaging at his level.

So, yes, I need to be unequivocal, I know. It's all painful. I'm not a pushover, I don't think of myself as codependent, but I have compassion and some understanding for his issues, yes. But I don't feel like myself in this unless I also acknowledge my own needs.   I appreciate the support. I never would have thought I'd be this deep into something like this. But I do feel like I'm emerging from that fog.