Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
October 05, 2024, 08:50:01 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others (Read 428 times)
Rifka
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540
Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others
«
on:
October 07, 2014, 05:09:02 PM »
Hi,
So I have thrown myself into the whole dating scene again. Online sites and meetup groups.
I waited 2 months after the b/u to start to date.
I gave myself time to learn and self reflect and I did learn so much, maybe too much!
I realized that I am such a different person post BPD ex! I am so much more aware of everything, almost to the point of too much.
I have so many questions to new people that I feel I should just photocopy an interview application.
I am not as trusting to just believing what they say. I'm almost waiting to catch a lie! My ex claimed to never lie, but he was the king of lies.
I'm doubting if I'm ready to date, I don't remember doubting myself in the dating world except when things turned south with my crazy ex.
Is this normal after leaving this type of relationship?
I have no thoughts in my mind about my ex, but I do remember how much he did lie when I started to focus closer attention to it towards the end of our r/s
Normally I would never doubt what people said unless I felt my instinct told me otherwise.
I feel I was so mislead and believed what my BPD ex said, I am totally responsible for that!I don't want this to ever happen again.
I'm just going on dates for now and telling everybody that I'm taking it very slowly.
It's fun and Im having a nice time so far!
I'm almost afraid to relax and let my guard down, which is so not me!
Does BPD change us nons for a little while or is it a permanent thing?
Rifka
I'm guessing these feeling might be okay and healthy and just about better boundaries?
Logged
Dance like nobody is watching. Love like you have never been hurt before.
Tiepje3
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 127
Re: Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others
«
Reply #1 on:
October 09, 2014, 03:39:23 AM »
Does BPD change us nons for a little while or is it a permanent thing?
I don't think they change us. I think they suppress qualities/behaviour that we have. I remember visiting with family for a week, during a recent bad episode, (without him) and it was so nice to relax and not walk on egg shells and being myself and noticing people still liked me. We had fun together.
I think it us nons who adapt to the situation, so we change our behaviour but that doesn't necessarily mean that we are a different person.
You have to start believing in yourself again and take the time to shrug off this behaviour you have implemented in order to survive.
One day at a time... .
Logged
No relationship is ever a waste of time. If it didn't bring you what you want, it taught you what you don't want.
Caredverymuch
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 735
Re: Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others
«
Reply #2 on:
October 09, 2014, 04:12:52 AM »
Quote from: Rifka on October 07, 2014, 05:09:02 PM
Hi,
So I have thrown myself into the whole dating scene again. Online sites and meetup groups.
I waited 2 months after the b/u to start to date.
I gave myself time to learn and self reflect and I did learn so much, maybe too much!
I realized that I am such a different person post BPD ex! I am so much more aware of everything, almost to the point of too much.
I have so many questions to new people that I feel I should just photocopy an interview application.
I am not as trusting to just believing what they say. I'm almost waiting to catch a lie! My ex claimed to never lie, but he was the king of lies.
I'm doubting if I'm ready to date, I don't remember doubting myself in the dating world except when things turned south with my crazy ex.
Is this normal after leaving this type of relationship?
I have no thoughts in my mind about my ex, but I do remember how much he did lie when I started to focus closer attention to it towards the end of our r/s
Normally I would never doubt what people said unless I felt my instinct told me otherwise.
I feel I was so mislead and believed what my BPD ex said, I am totally responsible for that!I don't want this to ever happen again.
I'm just going on dates for now and telling everybody that I'm taking it very slowly.
It's fun and Im having a nice time so far!
I'm almost afraid to relax and let my guard down, which is so not me!
Does BPD change us nons for a little while or is it a permanent thing?
Rifka
I'm guessing these feeling might be okay and healthy and just about better boundaries?
Rifka I agree with much you are experiencing moving foreard and I do think it is fairly common reading other threads on the topic .
I am very dismayed that I was entirely snowed by the lying with my expBPD. Retrospectively, and having been NC for so long, and of course learning of the d/o post abandonment, I feel that so much he expressed to me was a lie. Almost basic things like Id ask where he was when he would text me in the evening and he would say he was at our favorite park or out walking alone thinking of me. Later, I would learn he was just in his home? Why lie about those things?
The few times I actually caught him in a straight lie while still in the r/s, he was again entirely convincing in denying the action. I once passed him on his motorcycle after he had gone to great length hours earlier to construct a large lie about this plans for the day and why he couldn't spend time w me. He didn't see me. The next day we talked about how we each had spent our weekend. After he lied, I told him I had seen him out on his bike. With his then ex who he since returned to. He maintained his lie that it wasn't him. Etc etc. Very convincingly. If I had not actually SEEN him I would have no knowledge he was lying. He was that polished straight faced lying. And i sat there thinking this man is lying to my face. Once he couldn't deny the lie further, he of course projected. That I was lying about how I spent my w/ end. That I was out w another man?
So much is clear being out of the horrific BPD FOG.
I really struggle with this aspect moving forward as you do.
BPDs really want your vulnerabilities and boundaries wide open to them. And they exploit them in resultant behaviors.
My trust factor and red flags with new men are on overdrive and I question a great deal and hold much tighter boundaries. I sincerely doubt I will ever allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone again. Which in some ways is sad bc being safely vulnerable in a committed r/s and open to who you are and trusting the same of your partner, really is intimacy.
Logged
Blimblam
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892
Re: Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others
«
Reply #3 on:
October 09, 2014, 05:28:34 AM »
Do they have the ability to change us?
Yes, it depends on how traumatized you were by the rs. I'm these relationships we can experience the highest of highs and durring devaluation the tactics they employ are similiar if not identical to brainwashing except they don't put the pieces back together at the end. This process can potentially leave people permanently broken or driven to drug alcohal addiction even suicide.
Are your ready to date?
Maybe. Although if you desire validation if it is acceptable or you should I'm leaning towards no. In my personal opinion I think if you need outside validation on this matter it is a reflection of underlying issues concerning self validation which may possibly lead to codependent relationships. On the other hand casual dating may be a really healthy experience to guage where is you stand in yourself. Ultimately only you can know the answer to this.
Logged
mywifecrazy
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 619
Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!
Re: Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others
«
Reply #4 on:
October 09, 2014, 07:11:50 AM »
Quote from: Rifka on October 07, 2014, 05:09:02 PM
Hi,
So I have thrown myself into the whole dating scene again. Online sites and meetup groups.
I waited 2 months after the b/u to start to date.
How long was your relationship? If there was any length to it you might find 2 months is too soon. I tried dating last year at 4 months and it was rough as my emotions were still raw from breakup. But then again I was married for 18yrs. I'm now 16 months post breakup and just starting to feel better about dating.
Quote from: Rifka on October 07, 2014, 05:09:02 PM
I have so many questions to new people that I feel I should just photocopy an interview application.
This made me LMAO... .That's exactly how I feel. When I'm on a date I feel like I should be writing down the answers to my questions so I can analyze them. It's funny because on some of the dates I can see the other person doing the same thing
Quote from: Rifka on October 07, 2014, 05:09:02 PM
I am not as trusting to just believing what they say. I'm almost waiting to catch a lie! My ex claimed to never lie, but he was the king of lies.
Yes my senses are heightened and when I suspect a It's like... ."Check Please"... .Date is over!
Quote from: Rifka on October 07, 2014, 05:09:02 PM
I'm doubting if I'm ready to date, I don't remember doubting myself in the dating world except when things turned south with my crazy ex.
Again I know exactly how you feel. The one positive for me is that I don't feel the pressure to FIND THE ONE for me. I was married and have kids. Been there done that. I don't need to find someone before it's too late like when I was in my late 20's. I have the mindset that if I'm meant to be in another long term committed relationship it will happen. If not I will be happy just the same meeting women and getting to know them on a friendly basis. No pressure makes dating easier and more enjoyable!
Quote from: Rifka on October 07, 2014, 05:09:02 PM
Normally I would never doubt what people said unless I felt my instinct told me otherwise.
That's what made me a perfect target for my uBPDxw when I first met her. I was naive and immature, I took people at their words and never thought someone was capable of such lies and manipulation at the expense of others. Now I know better!
Quote from: Rifka on October 07, 2014, 05:09:02 PM
I'm just going on dates for now and telling everybody that I'm taking it very slowly.
It's fun and Im having a nice time so far!
Perfect way to go moving forward.
Good Luck... .MWC
Logged
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
Rifka
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540
Re: Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others
«
Reply #5 on:
October 09, 2014, 01:07:02 PM »
Thanks for the responses.
We were ( I use the term loosely) in the relationship 8 intense months. He basically lived here. We were together 7 nights a week, unless there was a fight. ( about nothing real!)
I will be 52 this month. I am totally fine being single and being with myself. I like me!
If I find a companion, that would be nice,
I also don't mind doing things by myself.
I traveled to India, Greece, Spain and many other places alone from the U.S.
I'm not doubting if I'm ready to date in the dating sense, but I don't like feeling on guard, like a wall of protection is up.
My heart is totally on lockdown for a very long time.
Glad to hear that what I'm feeling is the same for some others, not that I would want anybody to actually feel it.
I just really want to know that I won't meet another BPD without running like hell immediately!
It's like a red flag radar alarm has been imbedded in my head. It makes me feel like I have changed and taken the free spirit me that I loved about myself and replaced it with extreme cautiousiousness.
I know it's probably good because the knowledge of what this is has made me look differently at how accepting I choose to be with others bad behavior that could negatively affect me.
It has crossed into family and friends as well.
I say no a lot more now! I use to rearrange my schedule to help everybody, now I just say sorry I can't help you this time! It's empowering. When I can, I can, when I can't, I can't!
One day at a time! Or one date at a time.
Logged
Dance like nobody is watching. Love like you have never been hurt before.
darkstar
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 209
Re: Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others
«
Reply #6 on:
October 10, 2014, 08:26:52 AM »
Quote from: Rifka on October 09, 2014, 01:07:02 PM
Thanks for the responses.
I'm not doubting if I'm ready to date in the dating sense, but I don't like feeling on guard, like a wall of protection is up.
My heart is totally on lockdown for a very long time.
Glad to hear that what I'm feeling is the same for some others, not that I would want anybody to actually feel it.
I just really want to know that I won't meet another BPD without running like hell immediately!
It's like a red flag radar alarm has been imbedded in my head. It makes me feel like I have changed and taken the free spirit me that I loved about myself and replaced it with extreme cautiousiousness.
I feel you Rifka, first wanted to start a new topic but then I saw your posting and hope its o.k. I participate in this thread.
I am out 3 years now with my ex, was dating a few times but I have the same kind of "problems" like you. I am 37 and sometimes I admit I feel very alone, but at the same time I became super suspicious and somewhat "paranoid" that people "use" me or just fake their interest.
I also did the mistake and get attached to people the last 3 years who are somewhat unavailable... like to far away or far to young.
I think what you wrote is very true. I strongly believe that it is pure fear to get hurt this much again, on a traumatizing level. I noticed that expect for my old friends and family I don't trust people anymore so easily...
Positive thing is that I really don't jump into any relationship anymore just because someone is nice to me... .that was a huge problem in the past and perfect food for BPDs. So ya I learned to say no, but still think I do it too often and turned into a kind of loner... .
I became somehow "lazy" to spend energy into a "new" person. I know its not fair probably towards others but its the brutal truth towards myself.
Logged
Rifka
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 540
Re: Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others
«
Reply #7 on:
October 10, 2014, 12:05:19 PM »
Quote from: darkstar on October 10, 2014, 08:26:52 AM
Quote from: Rifka on October 09, 2014, 01:07:02 PM
Thanks for the responses.
I'm not doubting if I'm ready to date in the dating sense, but I don't like feeling on guard, like a wall of protection is up.
My heart is totally on lockdown for a very long time.
Glad to hear that what I'm feeling is the same for some others, not that I would want anybody to actually feel it.
I just really want to know that I won't meet another BPD without running like hell immediately!
It's like a red flag radar alarm has been imbedded in my head. It makes me feel like I have changed and taken the free spirit me that I loved about myself and replaced it with extreme cautiousiousness.
I feel you Rifka, first wanted to start a new topic but then I saw your posting and hope its o.k. I participate in this thread.
I am out 3 years now with my ex, was dating a few times but I have the same kind of "problems" like you. I am 37 and sometimes I admit I feel very alone, but at the same time I became super suspicious and somewhat "paranoid" that people "use" me or just fake their interest.
I also did the mistake and get attached to people the last 3 years who are somewhat unavailable... like to far away or far to young.
I think what you wrote is very true. I strongly believe that it is pure fear to get hurt this much again, on a traumatizing level. I noticed that expect for my old friends and family I don't trust people anymore so easily...
Positive thing is that I really don't jump into any relationship anymore just because someone is nice to me... .that was a huge problem in the past and perfect food for BPDs. So ya I learned to say no, but still think I do it too often and turned into a kind of loner... .
I became somehow "lazy" to spend energy into a "new" person. I know its not fair probably towards others but its the brutal truth towards myself.
Of course join in, that's what the threads are for.
Three years, how long were you together?
I'm only out 2 months. The last contact from him Aug 23, about a month and a half.
This is my first experience in my life with BPD. It has been an incredible journey in self reflection and learning. I know it happened and lasted as long as it did because I allowed it. Which is why now, the lessons are being enforced as are conscience boundaries that are very guarded.
I am very social and run social parties every week. I'm not a loner at all.
Yes trusting people are who they appear to be has become non existent since the b/u.
I guess it comes with the territory. It's been a heart wrenching traumatic experience being in the relationship.
It's been emotional, educational, and freeing being out of it. All of my pains I felt from my body because of the stressful relationship have gone away. It's wonderful.
So for me, Cautious yes/ not paranoid.
Not at all wondering what they want from me, more about what they have to bring to the table themselves.
My ex offered so little of him, i just couldn't see it. My awareness of everything around me is so much sharper and clearer.
Logged
Dance like nobody is watching. Love like you have never been hurt before.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Trusting/ dating again/ questioning myself/ questioning others
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...