Ask yourself what do you miss?

[tim_tom]

Hello, I haven't been around as much lately. A big part of the reason is I've asked myself the question in the subject, and the answer to that question makes makes moving forward very clear.

Why pine for someone who treated you poorly? Someone who didn't accept you or truly love you in a mature and rational way? Someone who may of cheated you, or pushed you away  only to pull you back and made you crazy? Who toyed with your emotions, rang up a bunch of debt, isolated your friends, acted jealous and accusatory or any other of the abusive and toxic behaviors most of us have experienced. What is there to miss?

Some may harken back to the idolization phase, and remember how great that felt. I do too at times, but we all know it was a mirage. No more real then a fairy tale, the same fairy tale that pwBPD are constantly re enacting with every new supply.

Our exes have serious issues, often times they a fickle and what I'd call pathologically self centered. Having a normal healthy relationship just isn't possible in most cases. So what do we miss?

Feel lonely?  I do... But I know she isn't the answer

Feel jealous? I do sometimes, But I know she wasn't good for me

Feel like you'll never find love again? I do, all the time, but fear of the unknown isn't better then the known hell we've all been through.

Love yourself, work on yourself, become the best version of you possible... and someone new will love you too

[FoolishMan]

I miss the sex sometimes. It's a totally selfish thing though because she wasn't really good in bed per say, just compliant. I know now that she is a great actress so it's easy to shut it off. For three months post breakup I couldn't get aroused thinking of anyone else. Now I can't even think of her like that it's like road kill now.

I'm functioning as normal now thankfully. It was scary for a while though, thinking about her all the time knowing someone else was screwing her exactly the same way. I was having weird dreams. Really weird and waking up sweating. I was like that 14 weeks at the very start. I had a trip away and tried to get in touch after I got back and was brutalised for being nice and pleasant.  

Which hurt for days but helped me detach. Nobody who EVER loved me could be like that. Insane or not.

[Hawk Ridge]

I am having more days that are better too but I wish I could just erase her from my mind. It was helpful to read you had scary days too.  I have never grieved so hard or ached so deeply... .for a relationship where I was treated so poorly... .at times.   I miss who she was in ideakuzation and those good times interspersed in the painful ones.  I find myself being jealous if my replacement, wondering how she merits to still be with my ex and then I am struck by the times I realize she will meet the same fate.  I pray this pain will continue to ease but am rather amazed at how brutal this has been... .a heart broken by a borderline is not ti be underestimated. 

[Mr Hollande]

There were many fantastic moments but they are fading. I have a busy life and as she isn't around to influence the course of it anymore and as other people enter she fades. Your question has brought up one memory though. In the early days I used to embrace her from behind. I loved doing that. I'd sniff her hair. I'm terrible for sniffing womens hair. No idea why but I love it. During those moments it felt as if she lost herself completely and just let herself fall into me. It's such a corny expression to describe an almost other worldly sense of unity but it was truly two becoming one. Those moments had a bigger impact on me than any of the sex or anything else we ever did before or after. On a few occasions I explained to her how much I loved those moments between us and I realise now that she wasn't aware and didn't understand. She agreed, of course, but she had no idea or understanding of the importance of those moments.

So, I could say that I miss that. But why? She didn't care or understand so what's the point in holding on to it? Those lost moments sum up our whole relationship as in what was real to me didn't even exist to her.

Since then I have been with two women and although the time with them has been brief what we did share WAS real and has more relevance to what my life is about now. I'm glad that the memories of her are fading. The good, the bad, the mundane and everything else. If I could put it in a box and push it off a cliff I would. Good riddance to her and any memories attached.

[enlighten me]

I miss the dreams. What I thought would be the happy ever after. The thought of growing old with someone who loved me. Turned out to be all a figment of my imagination. Apart from that nothing. Not even the sex as in the end I saw it for what it was. A one sided self satisfying process that left me feeling cold and used.

I do actually miss one thing that was real. All the money I wasted on her.

[Mr Hollande]

I miss the dreams. What I thought would be the happy ever after. The thought of growing old with someone who loved me. Turned out to be all a figment of my imagination.

Oh yes. The Dream. The sedative that allowed the corrosion to set and the poison to spread. The false god that concealed the gates of hell. It was the carrot that kept me walking further and further into hell. And the fear of loneliness was the stick that prodded me along that route to damnation. Yes I remember it now.

[NorthLight]

I miss the dreams. What I thought would be the happy ever after. The thought of growing old with someone who loved me. Turned out to be all a figment of my imagination.

Oh yes. The Dream. The sedative that allowed the corrosion to set and the poison to spread. The false god that concealed the gates of hell. It was the carrot that kept me walking further and further into hell. And the fear of loneliness was the stick that prodded me along that route to damnation. Yes I remember it now.

Its what i miss. The dream, or fantasy, that i have found my soul mate and we would grow old together. It was such a good feeling, no matter what happened on this earth, i would always have her by my side. I miss that fantasy because i truly believed it was the reality, the one thing i had, that made nothing else in my life very important. She became "my future", very unhealthy, especially unhealthy for me when she dumped me! But better for the long run i guess

[Pieter2]

Great post Tim Tom

So true! What do you miss? How can you miss the ranting and raving, the embarrassing situations, the isolation, walking on eggshells? No I don't think so. After 6 months I honestly don't miss a thing. I have forgotten the good times, and only remember the bad now... .

[Blimblam]

I still miss the idealization all her little quirks the fantasy my best friend. The person I trusted the most in the world.

[Deeno02]

I miss the dreams. What I thought would be the happy ever after. The thought of growing old with someone who loved me. Turned out to be all a figment of my imagination.

Oh yes. The Dream. The sedative that allowed the corrosion to set and the poison to spread. The false god that concealed the gates of hell. It was the carrot that kept me walking further and further into hell. And the fear of loneliness was the stick that prodded me along that route to damnation. Yes I remember it now.

Its what i miss. The dream, or fantasy, that i have found my soul mate and we would grow old together. It was such a good feeling, no matter what happened on this earth, i would always have her by my side. I miss that fantasy because i truly believed it was the reality, the one thing i had, that made nothing else in my life very important. She became "my future", very unhealthy, especially unhealthy for me when she dumped me! But better for the long run i guess

Its what I miss too. Guy willing to take on 5 kids plus his own 2, Thought we would be one big happy family. I miss how she would grab my arm and just hug it like I was the only person in the world. Me being a part of her life and her a part of mine. Then it slowly spiraled down hill and Im left shattered. Im not sure why I still feel any love at all for her but I do... .

[NorthLight]

I still miss the idealization all her little quirks the fantasy my best friend. The person I trusted the most in the world.

Yes, this too...

The person i trusted most in this world, and my best friend, disappeared as fast as if she died in a crash crash - BOOM gone for ever (or at least for 3 months so far)

[FoolishMan]

I miss the dreams. What I thought would be the happy ever after. The thought of growing old with someone who loved me. Turned out to be all a figment of my imagination.

Oh yes. The Dream. The sedative that allowed the corrosion to set and the poison to spread. The false god that concealed the gates of hell. It was the carrot that kept me walking further and further into hell. And the fear of loneliness was the stick that prodded me along that route to damnation. Yes I remember it now.

Its what i miss. The dream, or fantasy, that i have found my soul mate and we would grow old together. It was such a good feeling, no matter what happened on this earth, i would always have her by my side. I miss that fantasy because i truly believed it was the reality, the one thing i had, that made nothing else in my life very important. She became "my future", very unhealthy, especially unhealthy for me when she dumped me! But better for the long run i guess

Its what I miss too. Guy willing to take on 5 kids plus his own 2, Thought we would be one big happy family. I miss how she would grab my arm and just hug it like I was the only person in the world. Me being a part of her life and her a part of mine. Then it slowly spiraled down hill and Im left shattered. Im not sure why I still feel any love at all for her but I do... .

It's them who can switch the love off. Not us.

Don't worry too much it may seem like it will go on forever but it won't just don't get too caught up in the past you had with her. I did and it almost destroyed me. Get clear of hope get clear of contact and just eat the pain. So hard. The more I post here the more I actually remember the pain so I'm not going to hang around long I prefer life without the pain. I can imagine all the worst parts now and barely feel a thing. If I'm not thinking about the horror story deliberately then I don't feel any pain. I thought I'd love her till the end of time but that is futile and I'm not that into wasting my life on futility.

You will get there and hopefully quicker than me. If not you will still get there. Do not hope of wish or wonder. Just move forward a day, an inch at a time.

[Pingo]

In the early days I used to embrace her from behind. I loved doing that. I'd sniff her hair. I'm terrible for sniffing womens hair. No idea why but I love it. During those moments it felt as if she lost herself completely and just let herself fall into me. It's such a corny expression to describe an almost other worldly sense of unity but it was truly two becoming one. Those moments had a bigger impact on me than any of the sex or anything else we ever did before or after.

I can relate to this.  The one thing I missed the most although the feeling is fading as each day passes is how he would press himself against my back every night, all night long, wrapping his arm around me.  I had never allowed anyone to do this in the past as I get 'twitchy' when I can't be free to move around in bed.  But for whatever reason I felt totally at ease when he started to do this.  Of course there were the long lonely nights during silent treatment where he'd be far away from me in bed with his back turned towards me.  Then, when he was done punishing me, he would cuddle up to me again.  It was like getting a hit of a powerful drug.  Truly a trauma bond addiction.  Clear as day now.

I also miss a few practical things.  He would bring me coffee in the morning while I was in the shower, he'd empty the dishwasher and he did my laundry!  These were the sweet thoughtful things he'd do for me (in between silent treatments, that is).  Even folded my underwear . 

[tim_tom]

I still miss the idealization all her little quirks the fantasy my best friend. The person I trusted the most in the world.

Sure... me too. But how was that trust rewarded?

It was a mirage. You miss something you never had, which is my point

[tim_tom]

I miss the dreams. What I thought would be the happy ever after. The thought of growing old with someone who loved me. Turned out to be all a figment of my imagination. Apart from that nothing. Not even the sex as in the end I saw it for what it was. A one sided self satisfying process that left me feeling cold and used.

I do actually miss one thing that was real. All the money I wasted on her.

Yeah, I know the feeling. But it's the same as above unfortunately. You miss something that never really existed. She/he was never your soulmate, she/he is just a sick, selfish person.

I don't miss existing in a delusional fantasy

[tim_tom]

Yes, this too...

The person i trusted most in this world, and my best friend, disappeared as fast as if she died in a crash crash - BOOM gone for ever (or at least for 3 months so far)

Your trust was misplaced, and they were not your best friend. Just an actor who was playing the role of your best friend for a little bit... and doing it poorly... Best friends don't control, manipulate and abuse... not proper ones

[Duped11years]

I miss that I thought I found the perfect woman, she said i was her soul mate, her best friend, an 'amazing man', handsome, funny, the best she ever had in bed... .and she was beautiful, amazingly sexy, definately the best in bed, funny, hard working in whatever she did, a great cook, etc etc  etc... .and an absolute tyrant that made me question everything i did and said & in spite of couching my words on any given subject, someone that would explode with such fury that would leave me overwhelmed with anxiety, frustration, hate, anger, and confusion. Yea, thats what I miss. But i wouldnt be on this site reading so often if those initial idealized things werent burned in so deeply... .I cant figure it out

[tim_tom]

I miss that I thought I found the perfect woman, she said i was her soul mate, her best friend, an 'amazing man', handsome, funny, the best she ever had in bed... .and she was beautiful, amazingly sexy, definately the best in bed, funny, hard working in whatever she did, a great cook, etc etc  etc... .and an absolute tyrant that made me question everything i did and said & in spite of couching my words on any given subject, someone that would explode with such fury that would leave me overwhelmed with anxiety, frustration, hate, anger, and confusion. Yea, thats what I miss. But i wouldnt be on this site reading so often if those initial idealized things werent burned in so deeply... .I cant figure it out

Let them go, they weren't real. Just the fantasy of a disordered mind (hers)