warriors and survivors

[Whiteytheox72]

I broke NC and met face to face with my exBPDgf for 5 hours friday. The nowledge and strength I have gained through here allowed me to see some clarity. It was a painful and horrible experience as she was having a psycotic break. She admitted that she is is a survivor. We both came from adverse childhoods. She was molested and raped, I was molested at 4 and endured physical and emotional abuse from my first memory to sometime around 15 when I met abuse with abuse and made it clear I would not be treated in such a fashion ever again. I wrote this to process what I had heard during our meeting.

"The vast masjority of people in this world exist in a tranquil lucidity that is just life. Others through no fault of their own be it enviorenment or circumstances become survivors and others become warriors.

Adversity and hostility in the formative years form the human animal as much as love and attention does. When adversity and hostility are disproportionate to love and attention this is where the hero and the survivor is created.

A survivor survives by doing whatever needs to survive. Be that survival a good one or an unpleasant one they survive. They no set definition of self or bounds. If bending or changing is required they become whomever or whatever is required to survive. They are alive and surviving but one can survive in hell just as in heaven.

A warrior early on in the adversity studies that that creates the adversity and develops a disdain and hatred for it. If presented with wit a warrior will produce superior wit, if confronted with violence the warrior becomes capable of greater violence, if presented with love a warrior produces a larger love. Honesty and strength to ones self define a warrior. A warrior develops a mentallity of I will make it out of this my way because through pugnacious tenacity and primal viciousness I will be victorious or I will perish. A warrior knows all life ends and he embraces the fact that in the final minute when the choice is capitulation subjigation and survival or to perish by ones own hand by ones own choice with ones own spirit intact he will chose the latter as subjigation and capitulation is the death of spirit and soul and with a lac of spirit and soul there is only existance and no life.

A survivor cant fathom a warrior and a warrior cant comprehend a survivor.

I have come to realize I am a warrior... ."

[AG]

This is a good ass post probably the best Ive read in a while. I'm going to save this post for sure. You are a warrior for sure. Cool ass avatar btw.

[Whiteytheox72]

Than you very much AG. My avitar looks like my best friend my black feral cat.

[AG]

Than you very much AG. My avitar looks like my best friend my black feral cat.

Funny I actually normally hate cats but I have one. My cat used to sleep in front of my building each day alone and had some kind of mystical kind of prescence to her. She was calm though and confortable outside in front kinda like she owned the building. Someone threw her out of a building next door to mine. A couple tried to take her home and she went crazy on them. People would feed her and keep trying to take her home but she wasnt having it. One day I said f### it winter is coming and I feel bad so I talked to her and said you want a home then follow me. I didnt think she would really do it but she did. She has been here ever since in my apt and doesnt scratch my furniture or mess anything up. Ive had friends over here with dogs a couple of times and she holds her ground like as if shes a dog herself and behaves very similar to a dog. I play fight with her rough just like a dog. Shes the weirdest cat Ive ever seen very aggresive but loving towards me at the same time. Maybe I saw she was a warrior also. Maybe she saw the same.

[Blimblam]

Great post

Man I wish I could say in a warrior but that survivor handed my a$$ back to me beat so many times I had to run for cover.

[AG]

Great post

Man I wish I could say in a warrior but that survivor handed my a$$ back to me beat so many times I had to run for cover.

Seems to me from his story and guaging the context hes choosing to be a warrior. Same circumstance and same hardships him and his ex went through but hes choosing to be a warrior. We can choose to be one too blimblam.

[Blimblam]

How?

[AG]

How?

Are you using people? Jumping from person to person for survival. Attaching and destroying then detaching once destroyed. Even in this situation are you using the next female to numb your pain to help you not feel this way? Your not your fighting it in your own mind. Seems a little warriorish to me.

[Blimblam]

How?

Are you using people? Jumping from person to person for survival. Attaching and destroying then detaching once destroyed. Even in this situation are you using the next female to numb your pain to help you not feel this way? Your not your fighting it in your own mind. Seems a little warriorish to me.

Thanks Ag.

[Whiteytheox72]

I sat and listened to how she was molested and how she was raped. No little girl should have to endure being molested by her father and no girl should have to ebdure being raped at 12 by a 17 year old boyfriend. SHe is still being a victim buy just surviving. Some people just lack the strength between the ears to face the demons. She was trolling for sympathy as she could tell I was slippimng away. I told her how as a 4 year old boy I was raped in a park bathroom and how I was beat because I walked home and messed my pants. I showed her scars on my face where I had plates broke on it. She endured abuse I endured abuse. She has become a victimizer and a survivor. I chose to be a warrior and defend myself, I chose to be a very careing person, I chose to be the type of person I wished to have had when I was a boy. Survivors and victims hurt and warriors heal. I fight horrible thoughts but I realize it and seek help because I know these thoughts are harmful. A warrior is aware of ones self a survivor knows no self.

[AG]

I sat and listened to how she was molested and how she was raped. No little girl should have to endure being molested by her father and no girl should have to ebdure being raped at 12 by a 17 year old boyfriend. SHe is still being a victim buy just surviving. Some people just lack the strength between the ears to face the demons. She was trolling for sympathy as she could tell I was slippimng away. I told her how as a 4 year old boy I was raped in a park bathroom and how I was beat because I walked home and messed my pants. I showed her scars on my face where I had plates broke on it. She endured abuse I endured abuse. She has become a victimizer and a survivor. I chose to be a warrior and defend myself, I chose to be a very careing person, I chose to be the type of person I wished to have had when I was a boy. Survivors and victims hurt and warriors heal. I fight horrible thoughts but I realize it and seek help because I know these thoughts are harmful. A warrior is aware of ones self a survivor knows no self.

Yup mine snapped when her parents went through divorce. Mine told phony abuse stories of her mom mistreating her which I found out were a lie. My father came out of vietnam and was hooked on heroin and alcohol and beat my mom when I was young. When my parents would leave my sister would beat me basically becuz my father wasnt her father so since in her eyes I was my fathers son and the new child I had to be beaten and punished both verballt and physically. I chose to be decent to people and treat them with respect while my ex chose to be  an eternal victim that the world owes something even the right to verbally attack her loved ones and throw them away when they are drained dry.

[Whiteytheox72]

yup. You are a warrior and she is a survivor.

[rickdeckard]

This is a great post, Whitey! Love it!

I had a discussion kinda like this with one of my friends that suffers severe PTSD from domestic abuse. Her SO suffered from a lot of childhood abuse and it turned him into a murderous psychopath. She survived and it turned her into an extremely compassionate, empathetic person.

We were thinking about how abuse turns some people into abusers and some into anti-abusers. As you say, survivor vs. warrior. Its up yo each of us how we choose to act on our experiences.

[FoolishMan]

How?

Are you using people? Jumping from person to person for survival. Attaching and destroying then detaching once destroyed. Even in this situation are you using the next female to numb your pain to help you not feel this way? Your not your fighting it in your own mind. Seems a little warriorish to me.

Completely agree and a great post. Blim a warrior fears no pain and that describes you just now you are eating pain not running from it.

[Pingo]

Until this BU I would have thought myself a warrior but the realisation that I was in an abusive r/s and tolerated being abused rather than stand up for myself and say 'no more!' has shown me that I have spent much of my life 'surviving'.  Certainly not thriving.  It has exposed deep wounds and coping mechanisms that numb the pain so much that I didn't even realise there was those deep wounds.  Over the years I've used relationships, sex, alcohol, drugs, food, TV, exercise... .things that take over my life... .to survive.  Unlike pwBPD I went the other extreme.  Empathising to a fault.  Always self-reflecting.  Trying to 'figure out' how to fix everything, myself and everyone else.  Making excuses, rationalising abuse... .Insane.

Now I am fully awake, eyes wide open and I no long wish to be just a 'survivor'.  I want to thrive.  I want to choose life and discover my 'self' and who I really am, not as an extension of someone else.  I don't want my self worth to be wrapped up in other's opinions of me, other's approval.  It means facing the scariest things I've ever faced and the hardest pain I've ever felt and sitting with the pain and not running from it. 

Thank you Whitey for the inspiring post!