These terrible words he said. I started laughing. Out of disbelief.

[misuniadziubek]

I told my uBPDbf that he ends up with the people he does because he chooses to.

He said it's like taking gum out of a gumball machine, you never know you'll get a bad one.

I said,"No, you choose the people you are with based on what you attract. You take the blame for that... ."

His next words... .

"It's not my fault you are useless, it's not my fault you can't get your s*** together in your life, it's not my fault you are unreliable as ___, it's not my fault you can't even be remotely intelligent at times, It's not normal behaviour.  I didn't choose this. I'm not the one that's messed up. "

I was in disbelief. I started laughing. The level of destructive narcissism you have to have to say that sort of stuff to someone, someone you're dating. I just chuckled and said "WOW!... .That's amazing."

Then I said... .":)o you mind if I record you saying these things? Cause I have to pinch myself... ."

And then he hung up on me in anger. And I don't care. I'm walking away from this conversation.

And I then realised how shallowly I was breathing, how shaken up I was. Then I exploded in tears. I don't think it's ever going to be enough, no matter what I do. I'm not sure anymore why I put myself through all of this.

Beforehand he was listing off all the reasons it was good that I didn't spend last weekend with him. How much more he got done. How his roommate even complimented him on how much more he did. How much better his life is without me. How he thinks about getting a new girlfriend. I asked if he really thought the next person would be better, because he seems to be in a pattern of dating the same types of people. (Insecure, codependant, low self-esteem, low ambitions, likely to cheat.) The difference between me and these people is that I've increased my self-esteem over time and continue to work on it, I've become my own person even within the confines of the relationship and I'm continuously working hard to succeed and get what I want. I'm stronger. Only because I've realised so soon into the relationship what was wrong with him.

I'm okay. I've let him walk away from this conversation. I've let him say his peace and I didn't let it cut me. The whole situation was very tense though, and it was hard to keep my composure for so long. I know I'm better than any of the things he's said about me. I'm capable of love and acceptance. I love myself.

It still hurts that he does these things repeatedly.

I'm sorry... I really needed to rant.

[Infern0]

I agree with you,  have the same situation currently with a BPDex/recycle attempt.

She always ends up with drunk/drug type losers and wonders why she's always treated like ___.

Well I tried to break the cycle and treat her good and she devalued me and ran away and then comes back complaining that the scumbag she left me for is a scumbag.

[misuniadziubek]

Yeah... .That's the thing. Except for his first ex, he's been with some very shady, immature people.

His first ex was most like me. She loved him, but eventually he wore her down to the point that she bravely ended things. She was young, this was her first relationship. It broke him so deeply that he tried to commit suicide.

The next was a very shallow relationship that lasted barely a month. She cheated on him.

The next someone who was continuously cheating on him throughout, had very bad hygiene, and repeatedly lied to him. 5 months.

The most recent ex was a very emotionally immature person, with very little common sense. She was quick to explode and very angry all the time. He spent more time feeling like her parent than her partner. I met her a few times. She would throw shoes at the door, write things on his car, and tied my shoes together. Cheated on him with his best friend. 6 months.

He eroded each's self-esteem of course. They were all very co-dependent type people who waited around for him to make all the decisions, which obviously fed into his need for control.

I'm the best at this point. Not because he intensely idealised me from the get-go and made me seem like his saviour compared to all the others or I am without flaws or actually a better person than any of the people he dated. I can imagine some even cared about him quite a lot.

He met me in a low point in my life following a violent assault so I came off as the same needy, co-dependent person he could eventually control. And I do have a certain amount of clingyness to me and need for affection. But I healed from that trauma over time and I started to see through his behaviour. I've never come across a BPD before, that I know of, but my mother had a lot of destructive narcissism when I was a child so it felt familiar.

I've found this website, I've been reading lots of books and I've been working on my emotional health, through meditation, exercise, and lots of self-help books about self-esteem.

I still am human, I still bleed sometimes, but I can reframe all of these situations, take what I need from them and move on fairly quickly. I no longer hold onto his words, I don't internalise any of the things he says to me. I know what my flaws are and I know exactly how much responsibility I have in any given situation.

I've gained the most strength throughout this relationship and solidified my own identity enough to isolate it from his projected ideas of me. Which also means I am somewhat capable of empathising with him rather than just being a victim of projection. At times, I am actually good for him.

Somehow we've made it through another 2 months since he first pushed me to the point where I almost left him.

And that actually means something to me. Unlike his previous relationships, he's not willing to let go.

He talks about it relentlessly, but when push comes to shove, he still wants to pursue the relationship, give it more chances. He sometimes expresses a worry that I will abandon him just like his first ex. She comes up a lot recently. I can see despite the hate he claims to have towards her, he valued that relationship. I can understand the trauma she went through.

Sometimes when I would say something about how he erodes my self-esteem and self-value with his words, he'd get really upset and say that it's what his first ex said as well.  I see when he's distancing himself and I call him out on it though I try to validate his feelings. I seek my own validation elsewhere because he's not very good at the empathy without assuming I'm blaming  him for everything. I take the time to really think about whether I want to stay in this relationship regularly and for now the pros outweigh the cons. Sometimes, I wish that he would actually let go. Not because of anger or hitting rock bottom in the relationship, but rather because he's finally figured out what he actually wants out of a relationship, rather than what he claims to want.

He almost turned his roommate against me. Until I personally talked to her and she suddenly saw the strength and self-esteem behind who I was as his girlfriend. Then she told me that I should leave him, because no one should treat me the way he does.

I'm still at the stage where I'm putting up with it. But eventually I think I'll establish my boundaries better and work on showing him when he's crossed the line by my behaviour. Even if he calls me a ___ or a whiny b___ or devalues me for it. I know my self-worth. I know my strength. I love myself above else. It's the only way I'm capable of loving him in a healthy way rather than simply "NEEDING" him for value to myself. :D

[Aussie0zborn]

You're in a very good position if you can laugh at his verbal abuse and even ask if you can record it. I was like that too - in the beginning.

I read it here on this forum : "you soon start behaving like them". Being a year out now, I can see how I was enmeshed and my reactions to that narcissistic abuse you described would result in a circular argument. The best response is not to engage but you can only do that if your pwBPD has not worn you down.

Keep you wits about you but remember dealing with a pwBPD is a full time job. I'm now in a relationship with a lovely lady and it's just effortless in comparison and it's a relationship that actually enhances my life.

Is this the type of relationship that can enhance your life?

[pseudotsuga]

WOW. I think I had the exact same conversation (almost exactly) with my (still around) partner. I think I cried, instead of laughed though. Ugh. What a mess. Sorry you experienced that. It seems so absurd sometimes, doesn't it? So absurd, so inverted. After awhile, I make myself crazy with all the distorted "logic".