Hey guys i have a really interesting question

[jammo1989]

Jammo, block your ex on Facebook and her replacement. Right now your pain and hurt is way to fresh for you to emotionally detach. Trust what everyone has said on this thread and block or shut down your Facebook account. Believe me, it helped me immensely with my withdrawal to not be able to see or focus on what was going on in my ex BPDbf's life. Instead you need to focus on yourself!

I also don't think it's just ex BPDgf's that get jealous and upset. I think anyone would be upset seeing another girl "liking" a selfie pic of their boyfriend or SO on Facebook. My ex BPDbf used to post selfies on FB "all" the time! He wanted the adoration and attention of his fans. Believe he also did it to triangulate women. When we were together, I never would bother to ask who all these women were that we're liking his pics. BUT, he would make comments to me along the lines of, "Hey, did you see the new photo of me I posted on FB today? It got 20 likes! How come you didn't "like" my photo?" I would respond that I had a full time career and rarely logged on to FB. He didn't like that at all.

Also as Northlight mentioned, at 3 months it does get better! I'm just about at 3 months now. I went NC blocked my ex BPDbf on my phone, email and FB as soon as I endeded it with him back in June. It has allowed me to refocus on myself, not him. He broke NC 2 weeks ago on a dating site. But you know what? Really didn't bother me because it just confirmed how troubled he is. If you as a normal guy lied and cheated on your girlfriend of 4 years. Dissociated and told her to her face that you were just using her for sex. Would you reach out to her after she ended it with you on a dating site? The clear answer is a BIG "no"!

Please get off FB or block them and focus on yourself. 

She blocked me from all communication devices apart from Gmail and said never contact me again with a big smile on her face.  Im currently 1 month NC and i seem to be doing really well, i have my moments, i guess we all do, I proved to her I was to strong for her, all her exes cried and pleaded, i just smiled at her and said ok take care and walked off.  She always used to have banter about who wore the trousers in the relationship, she used to say i know youll cry over me, and guess what? i haven't shed a single tear over her.  We even watched a film where this guy was severly depressed after his gf finished it and got with another guy, she turned to me and said, thats you over me that is im just that good.  Then said i dont know what it is with me but my exes always tell me they still love me.  I was the ONLY guy that walked away, and because i didnt plead or chase she blocked me, just goes to show that WE can break down their fake egos!

Did she block you on Facebook?

It doesn't change.  It will be rough sledding for your replacement, as it was for you.  

The path to freedom and moving on, is to let go.  

Yes she did mate, could you please explain what you mean by this further?  i know from looking ( i should stop i know)  that she made her replacement delete his only mutual friend with me, she set her fb to open, then closed it a week later, opened it again, posted a status saying im sick of fake people, i have deleted so many of you off here if your still on my friends list congratulations (She deleted 50 people).  She is yet to take a picture with this new guy (been 2 months so far) he was at hers last weekend, and her updated her profile picture, with a selfie of herself, taken by herself. Im guessing when he went out some where she took it and set it as her profile picture.  Ive said this so many times before, but if this guy meant anything she would have made it known he was her man and they would have at least 1 picture together.

please could you further explain what you meant it would mean a lot thank you! 

Yes, I can explain further.  Tell me which part you'd like me to expand on. 

Its ok, sorry i miss read it, I red it thinking you said if shes blocked you then it will be down sledding the new  replacement, yeah i know from what I replied with  , it doesn't look like a healthy or positive start to their attachment process.

It's rough sledding for any partner, past, present, or future.  It's a disorder and it plays out and repeats itself with each partner. 

What important is shifting the focus from her to yourself.   What steps can you take to shift that focus?

Well i know that my biggest problem to overcome is my co-dependency issues, i always feel sorry or want to take care of others less fortunate than myself. 

When you're taking care of others, what need does that fulfill in you? 

It makes me feel like im making a difference, i like feeling empathy, i like doing what i can to make others lives easier, in my 2 year relationship, i brought my ex a £700 bed because hers had snapped and she couldnt afford a new one, i brought an ipad mini because her 6 year old really wanted one, and she always said no because she couldnt afford it, I brought her an Apple Tv, so she could watch her favourite Tv shows, a trampoline in the summer time, because she always made her little ones play outside with nothing to do, so i did it for THEM.  she always said i undermined her parenting skills, but i did it for her kids, i swear i loved them more than her half the time, i couldnt bear to see them grow up without having nice things.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question.  You're a caring person, and it's natural to want to make a difference in the lives of others.  I'm sure that you made a difference in her life.  I'm sure that on some level, she knows that too.  

Guess who needs you now?  You need you now.  

Can you identify what you provided her and her children on an emotional level?  (I hope that you'll hang with this as this is going somewhere)

Blissful to be totally honest with you, i think my ex became jealous at times because when i was there every weekend her kids had my full attention, we would even play upstairs while she sat and watched TV in peace, her 6 year old used to tell  his teacher how excited he was that i was going down.  My ex also used this in her pull behaviour even when she had her bf, she kept telling me that Holly (3 year old daughter) was asking for you the other day.  She would then say Connor (her 6 year old) hates you because you made his mummy cry, then go back to saying me and the kids were looking at old photos of us together straight after, this was 2 weeks into her new replacement, then finished the conversation with never contact me ever again.  So on an emotional level maybe she felt i was taking her kids away from her from an attention perspective, but that kind of push/pull behaviour is what messes us NONs heads up.

[blissful_camper]

Jammo, block your ex on Facebook and her replacement. Right now your pain and hurt is way to fresh for you to emotionally detach. Trust what everyone has said on this thread and block or shut down your Facebook account. Believe me, it helped me immensely with my withdrawal to not be able to see or focus on what was going on in my ex BPDbf's life. Instead you need to focus on yourself!

I also don't think it's just ex BPDgf's that get jealous and upset. I think anyone would be upset seeing another girl "liking" a selfie pic of their boyfriend or SO on Facebook. My ex BPDbf used to post selfies on FB "all" the time! He wanted the adoration and attention of his fans. Believe he also did it to triangulate women. When we were together, I never would bother to ask who all these women were that we're liking his pics. BUT, he would make comments to me along the lines of, "Hey, did you see the new photo of me I posted on FB today? It got 20 likes! How come you didn't "like" my photo?" I would respond that I had a full time career and rarely logged on to FB. He didn't like that at all.

Also as Northlight mentioned, at 3 months it does get better! I'm just about at 3 months now. I went NC blocked my ex BPDbf on my phone, email and FB as soon as I endeded it with him back in June. It has allowed me to refocus on myself, not him. He broke NC 2 weeks ago on a dating site. But you know what? Really didn't bother me because it just confirmed how troubled he is. If you as a normal guy lied and cheated on your girlfriend of 4 years. Dissociated and told her to her face that you were just using her for sex. Would you reach out to her after she ended it with you on a dating site? The clear answer is a BIG "no"!

Please get off FB or block them and focus on yourself.  

She blocked me from all communication devices apart from Gmail and said never contact me again with a big smile on her face.  Im currently 1 month NC and i seem to be doing really well, i have my moments, i guess we all do, I proved to her I was to strong for her, all her exes cried and pleaded, i just smiled at her and said ok take care and walked off.  She always used to have banter about who wore the trousers in the relationship, she used to say i know youll cry over me, and guess what? i haven't shed a single tear over her.  We even watched a film where this guy was severly depressed after his gf finished it and got with another guy, she turned to me and said, thats you over me that is im just that good.  Then said i dont know what it is with me but my exes always tell me they still love me.  I was the ONLY guy that walked away, and because i didnt plead or chase she blocked me, just goes to show that WE can break down their fake egos!

Did she block you on Facebook?

It doesn't change.  It will be rough sledding for your replacement, as it was for you.  

The path to freedom and moving on, is to let go.  

Yes she did mate, could you please explain what you mean by this further?  i know from looking ( i should stop i know)  that she made her replacement delete his only mutual friend with me, she set her fb to open, then closed it a week later, opened it again, posted a status saying im sick of fake people, i have deleted so many of you off here if your still on my friends list congratulations (She deleted 50 people).  She is yet to take a picture with this new guy (been 2 months so far) he was at hers last weekend, and her updated her profile picture, with a selfie of herself, taken by herself. Im guessing when he went out some where she took it and set it as her profile picture.  Ive said this so many times before, but if this guy meant anything she would have made it known he was her man and they would have at least 1 picture together.

please could you further explain what you meant it would mean a lot thank you!  

Yes, I can explain further.  Tell me which part you'd like me to expand on.  

Its ok, sorry i miss read it, I red it thinking you said if shes blocked you then it will be down sledding the new  replacement, yeah i know from what I replied with  , it doesn't look like a healthy or positive start to their attachment process.

It's rough sledding for any partner, past, present, or future.  It's a disorder and it plays out and repeats itself with each partner.  

What important is shifting the focus from her to yourself.   What steps can you take to shift that focus?

Well i know that my biggest problem to overcome is my co-dependency issues, i always feel sorry or want to take care of others less fortunate than myself.  

When you're taking care of others, what need does that fulfill in you?  

It makes me feel like im making a difference, i like feeling empathy, i like doing what i can to make others lives easier, in my 2 year relationship, i brought my ex a £700 bed because hers had snapped and she couldnt afford a new one, i brought an ipad mini because her 6 year old really wanted one, and she always said no because she couldnt afford it, I brought her an Apple Tv, so she could watch her favourite Tv shows, a trampoline in the summer time, because she always made her little ones play outside with nothing to do, so i did it for THEM.  she always said i undermined her parenting skills, but i did it for her kids, i swear i loved them more than her half the time, i couldnt bear to see them grow up without having nice things.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question.  You're a caring person, and it's natural to want to make a difference in the lives of others.  I'm sure that you made a difference in her life.  I'm sure that on some level, she knows that too.  

Guess who needs you now?  You need you now.  

Can you identify what you provided her and her children on an emotional level?  (I hope that you'll hang with this as this is going somewhere)

Blissful to be totally honest with you, i think my ex became jealous at times because when i was there every weekend her kids had my full attention, we would even play upstairs while she sat and watched TV in peace, her 6 year old used to tell  his teacher how excited he was that i was going down.  My ex also used this in her pull behaviour even when she had her bf, she kept telling me that Holly (3 year old daughter) was asking for you the other day.  She would then say Connor (her 6 year old) hates you because you made his mummy cry, then go back to saying me and the kids were looking at old photos of us together straight after, this was 2 weeks into her new replacement, then finished the conversation with never contact me ever again.  So on an emotional level maybe she felt i was taking her kids away from her from an attention perspective, but that kind of push/pull behaviour is what messes us NONs heads up.

Thank you for sharing.  One of the things that I did shortly after my own b/u, was to make a list of my emotionally supportive behavior during the r/s, that was intended to reinforce my ex's sense of wellbeing.   Once I identified those things (compassion, love, listening, and so forth), I recognized that I had not been emotionally supportive to myself.  I wasn't reinforcing my own sense of wellbeing.  With that list in hand, I shifted my focus to myself, and began giving myself what I'd provided him.  What we provide to others, is often what we need to provide ourselves. For instance, I needed to nurture myself.  I needed to truly validate myself.  I needed to listen to myself.  I needed to show myself compassion.  The list goes on.  

[Blimblam]

Jammo, block your ex on Facebook and her replacement. Right now your pain and hurt is way to fresh for you to emotionally detach. Trust what everyone has said on this thread and block or shut down your Facebook account. Believe me, it helped me immensely with my withdrawal to not be able to see or focus on what was going on in my ex BPDbf's life. Instead you need to focus on yourself!

I also don't think it's just ex BPDgf's that get jealous and upset. I think anyone would be upset seeing another girl "liking" a selfie pic of their boyfriend or SO on Facebook. My ex BPDbf used to post selfies on FB "all" the time! He wanted the adoration and attention of his fans. Believe he also did it to triangulate women. When we were together, I never would bother to ask who all these women were that we're liking his pics. BUT, he would make comments to me along the lines of, "Hey, did you see the new photo of me I posted on FB today? It got 20 likes! How come you didn't "like" my photo?" I would respond that I had a full time career and rarely logged on to FB. He didn't like that at all.

Also as Northlight mentioned, at 3 months it does get better! I'm just about at 3 months now. I went NC blocked my ex BPDbf on my phone, email and FB as soon as I endeded it with him back in June. It has allowed me to refocus on myself, not him. He broke NC 2 weeks ago on a dating site. But you know what? Really didn't bother me because it just confirmed how troubled he is. If you as a normal guy lied and cheated on your girlfriend of 4 years. Dissociated and told her to her face that you were just using her for sex. Would you reach out to her after she ended it with you on a dating site? The clear answer is a BIG "no"!

Please get off FB or block them and focus on yourself.  

She blocked me from all communication devices apart from Gmail and said never contact me again with a big smile on her face.  Im currently 1 month NC and i seem to be doing really well, i have my moments, i guess we all do, I proved to her I was to strong for her, all her exes cried and pleaded, i just smiled at her and said ok take care and walked off.  She always used to have banter about who wore the trousers in the relationship, she used to say i know youll cry over me, and guess what? i haven't shed a single tear over her.  We even watched a film where this guy was severly depressed after his gf finished it and got with another guy, she turned to me and said, thats you over me that is im just that good.  Then said i dont know what it is with me but my exes always tell me they still love me.  I was the ONLY guy that walked away, and because i didnt plead or chase she blocked me, just goes to show that WE can break down their fake egos!

Did she block you on Facebook?

It doesn't change.  It will be rough sledding for your replacement, as it was for you.  

The path to freedom and moving on, is to let go.  

Yes she did mate, could you please explain what you mean by this further?  i know from looking ( i should stop i know)  that she made her replacement delete his only mutual friend with me, she set her fb to open, then closed it a week later, opened it again, posted a status saying im sick of fake people, i have deleted so many of you off here if your still on my friends list congratulations (She deleted 50 people).  She is yet to take a picture with this new guy (been 2 months so far) he was at hers last weekend, and her updated her profile picture, with a selfie of herself, taken by herself. Im guessing when he went out some where she took it and set it as her profile picture.  Ive said this so many times before, but if this guy meant anything she would have made it known he was her man and they would have at least 1 picture together.

please could you further explain what you meant it would mean a lot thank you!  

Yes, I can explain further.  Tell me which part you'd like me to expand on.  

Its ok, sorry i miss read it, I red it thinking you said if shes blocked you then it will be down sledding the new  replacement, yeah i know from what I replied with  , it doesn't look like a healthy or positive start to their attachment process.

It's rough sledding for any partner, past, present, or future.  It's a disorder and it plays out and repeats itself with each partner.  

What important is shifting the focus from her to yourself.   What steps can you take to shift that focus?

Well i know that my biggest problem to overcome is my co-dependency issues, i always feel sorry or want to take care of others less fortunate than myself.  

When you're taking care of others, what need does that fulfill in you?  

It makes me feel like im making a difference, i like feeling empathy, i like doing what i can to make others lives easier, in my 2 year relationship, i brought my ex a £700 bed because hers had snapped and she couldnt afford a new one, i brought an ipad mini because her 6 year old really wanted one, and she always said no because she couldnt afford it, I brought her an Apple Tv, so she could watch her favourite Tv shows, a trampoline in the summer time, because she always made her little ones play outside with nothing to do, so i did it for THEM.  she always said i undermined her parenting skills, but i did it for her kids, i swear i loved them more than her half the time, i couldnt bear to see them grow up without having nice things.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question.  You're a caring person, and it's natural to want to make a difference in the lives of others.  I'm sure that you made a difference in her life.  I'm sure that on some level, she knows that too.  

Guess who needs you now?  You need you now.  

Can you identify what you provided her and her children on an emotional level?  (I hope that you'll hang with this as this is going somewhere)

Blissful to be totally honest with you, i think my ex became jealous at times because when i was there every weekend her kids had my full attention, we would even play upstairs while she sat and watched TV in peace, her 6 year old used to tell  his teacher how excited he was that i was going down.  My ex also used this in her pull behaviour even when she had her bf, she kept telling me that Holly (3 year old daughter) was asking for you the other day.  She would then say Connor (her 6 year old) hates you because you made his mummy cry, then go back to saying me and the kids were looking at old photos of us together straight after, this was 2 weeks into her new replacement, then finished the conversation with never contact me ever again.  So on an emotional level maybe she felt i was taking her kids away from her from an attention perspective, but that kind of push/pull behaviour is what messes us NONs heads up.

Thank you for sharing.  One of the things that I did shortly after my own b/u, was to make a list of my emotionally supportive behavior during the r/s, that was intended to reinforce my ex's sense of wellbeing.   Once I identified those things (compassion, love, listening, and so forth), I recognized that I had not been emotionally supportive to myself.  I wasn't reinforcing my own sense of wellbeing.  With that list in hand, I shifted my focus to myself, and began giving myself what I'd provided him.  What we provide to others, is often what we need to provide ourselves. For instance, I needed to nurture myself.  I needed to truly validate myself.  I needed to listen to myself.  I needed to show myself compassion.  The list goes on.  

Wow bliss that's very insightful. I'm making a sort of list like that for myself right now. I've been coming to those same conclusions. It's really not easy after being conditioned to self abuse by toxic people.

[blissful_camper]

Jammo, block your ex on Facebook and her replacement. Right now your pain and hurt is way to fresh for you to emotionally detach. Trust what everyone has said on this thread and block or shut down your Facebook account. Believe me, it helped me immensely with my withdrawal to not be able to see or focus on what was going on in my ex BPDbf's life. Instead you need to focus on yourself!

I also don't think it's just ex BPDgf's that get jealous and upset. I think anyone would be upset seeing another girl "liking" a selfie pic of their boyfriend or SO on Facebook. My ex BPDbf used to post selfies on FB "all" the time! He wanted the adoration and attention of his fans. Believe he also did it to triangulate women. When we were together, I never would bother to ask who all these women were that we're liking his pics. BUT, he would make comments to me along the lines of, "Hey, did you see the new photo of me I posted on FB today? It got 20 likes! How come you didn't "like" my photo?" I would respond that I had a full time career and rarely logged on to FB. He didn't like that at all.

Also as Northlight mentioned, at 3 months it does get better! I'm just about at 3 months now. I went NC blocked my ex BPDbf on my phone, email and FB as soon as I endeded it with him back in June. It has allowed me to refocus on myself, not him. He broke NC 2 weeks ago on a dating site. But you know what? Really didn't bother me because it just confirmed how troubled he is. If you as a normal guy lied and cheated on your girlfriend of 4 years. Dissociated and told her to her face that you were just using her for sex. Would you reach out to her after she ended it with you on a dating site? The clear answer is a BIG "no"!

Please get off FB or block them and focus on yourself.  

She blocked me from all communication devices apart from Gmail and said never contact me again with a big smile on her face.  Im currently 1 month NC and i seem to be doing really well, i have my moments, i guess we all do, I proved to her I was to strong for her, all her exes cried and pleaded, i just smiled at her and said ok take care and walked off.  She always used to have banter about who wore the trousers in the relationship, she used to say i know youll cry over me, and guess what? i haven't shed a single tear over her.  We even watched a film where this guy was severly depressed after his gf finished it and got with another guy, she turned to me and said, thats you over me that is im just that good.  Then said i dont know what it is with me but my exes always tell me they still love me.  I was the ONLY guy that walked away, and because i didnt plead or chase she blocked me, just goes to show that WE can break down their fake egos!

Did she block you on Facebook?

It doesn't change.  It will be rough sledding for your replacement, as it was for you.  

The path to freedom and moving on, is to let go.  

Yes she did mate, could you please explain what you mean by this further?  i know from looking ( i should stop i know)  that she made her replacement delete his only mutual friend with me, she set her fb to open, then closed it a week later, opened it again, posted a status saying im sick of fake people, i have deleted so many of you off here if your still on my friends list congratulations (She deleted 50 people).  She is yet to take a picture with this new guy (been 2 months so far) he was at hers last weekend, and her updated her profile picture, with a selfie of herself, taken by herself. Im guessing when he went out some where she took it and set it as her profile picture.  Ive said this so many times before, but if this guy meant anything she would have made it known he was her man and they would have at least 1 picture together.

please could you further explain what you meant it would mean a lot thank you!  

Yes, I can explain further.  Tell me which part you'd like me to expand on.  

Its ok, sorry i miss read it, I red it thinking you said if shes blocked you then it will be down sledding the new  replacement, yeah i know from what I replied with  , it doesn't look like a healthy or positive start to their attachment process.

It's rough sledding for any partner, past, present, or future.  It's a disorder and it plays out and repeats itself with each partner.  

What important is shifting the focus from her to yourself.   What steps can you take to shift that focus?

Well i know that my biggest problem to overcome is my co-dependency issues, i always feel sorry or want to take care of others less fortunate than myself.  

When you're taking care of others, what need does that fulfill in you?  

It makes me feel like im making a difference, i like feeling empathy, i like doing what i can to make others lives easier, in my 2 year relationship, i brought my ex a £700 bed because hers had snapped and she couldnt afford a new one, i brought an ipad mini because her 6 year old really wanted one, and she always said no because she couldnt afford it, I brought her an Apple Tv, so she could watch her favourite Tv shows, a trampoline in the summer time, because she always made her little ones play outside with nothing to do, so i did it for THEM.  she always said i undermined her parenting skills, but i did it for her kids, i swear i loved them more than her half the time, i couldnt bear to see them grow up without having nice things.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question.  You're a caring person, and it's natural to want to make a difference in the lives of others.  I'm sure that you made a difference in her life.  I'm sure that on some level, she knows that too.  

Guess who needs you now?  You need you now.  

Can you identify what you provided her and her children on an emotional level?  (I hope that you'll hang with this as this is going somewhere)

Blissful to be totally honest with you, i think my ex became jealous at times because when i was there every weekend her kids had my full attention, we would even play upstairs while she sat and watched TV in peace, her 6 year old used to tell  his teacher how excited he was that i was going down.  My ex also used this in her pull behaviour even when she had her bf, she kept telling me that Holly (3 year old daughter) was asking for you the other day.  She would then say Connor (her 6 year old) hates you because you made his mummy cry, then go back to saying me and the kids were looking at old photos of us together straight after, this was 2 weeks into her new replacement, then finished the conversation with never contact me ever again.  So on an emotional level maybe she felt i was taking her kids away from her from an attention perspective, but that kind of push/pull behaviour is what messes us NONs heads up.

Thank you for sharing.  One of the things that I did shortly after my own b/u, was to make a list of my emotionally supportive behavior during the r/s, that was intended to reinforce my ex's sense of wellbeing.   Once I identified those things (compassion, love, listening, and so forth), I recognized that I had not been emotionally supportive to myself.  I wasn't reinforcing my own sense of wellbeing.  With that list in hand, I shifted my focus to myself, and began giving myself what I'd provided him.  What we provide to others, is often what we need to provide ourselves. For instance, I needed to nurture myself.  I needed to truly validate myself.  I needed to listen to myself.  I needed to show myself compassion.  The list goes on.  

Wow bliss that's very insightful. I'm making a sort of list like that for myself right now. I've been coming to those same conclusions. It's really not easy after being conditioned to self abuse by toxic people.

The list, for me anyway, was an eyeopener, and it was sad in many ways.  I reviewed each item on the list, and I asked myself "are you providing that for yourself, Bliss?"  I penciled in a "no" next to many items, and the items that didn't get a "no" got a "sorta."  I'm engaged in activities (daily) that reinforce my sense of wellness.  But on an emotional level, (me meeting my own emotional needs) I didn't score too well. 

[Deeno02]

Maybe I am the crazy one... .

[Blimblam]

Bliss for me i realized this has mostly been due to allowing abusive people to stay in my life. Not since my teens have I been abusive to anyone else. But have been accommodating to people that are and allowed them to drag me down into cycles of self abuse. My biggest mistake has been allowing people in my life that idealize me when I was working on myself.  They invariably have switched into victem mode or persecuter or both.

The only one of these relationships i Perseud  was with my BPD ex.

I accept that I have been codependent but did not seek to control other people in fact when they demanded I take that role have attempted to show them their own projection i realize now it is not something I can do.

My ex wife who idealized me is codependent to the point of being slightly borderline. With some slight histrionic traits.

One if the most subtle forms of abuse is when someone says stop being the victim when you are in pain.  Anyone who says that cut them out of your life.

[blissful_camper]

Bliss for me i realized this has mostly been due to allowing abusive people to stay in my life. Not since my teens have I been abusive to anyone else. But have been accommodating to people that are and allowed them to drag me down into cycles of self abuse. My biggest mistake has been allowing people in my life that idealize me when I was working on myself.  They invariably have switched into victem mode or persecuter or both.

The only one of these relationships i Perseud  was with my BPD ex.

I accept that I have been codependent but did not seek to control other people in fact when they demanded I take that role have attempted to show them their own projection i realize now it is not something I can do.

My ex wife who idealized me is codependent to the point of being slightly borderline. With some slight histrionic traits.

One if the most subtle forms of abuse is when someone says stop being the victim when you are in pain.  Anyone who says that cut them out of your life.

My issues stem from FOO.  I'm a lot like my mother who was the "peacekeeper" in our family, and was codependent with my father.   I'm repeating some of the dynamics from my FOO.  Interestingly, when I look back at my friendships and even some of my romantic relationships, I've drawn people who wish to control me.  In the past, I recognized it, and sometimes jumped ship.  And sometimes I didn't and allowed those friendships or r/s's to continue far too long.  It was toxic.  It was abusive.  One important thing that I've been working on, is looking at my friendships, identifying the healthy ones, and letting go of the ones that aren't healthy.  After the r/s, red flag behavior and dysfunctional dynamics blare like a mega phone.  I simply can't ignore or make excuses anymore.  I choose to step out of the way.  That's a big deal for me.  I'm proud of myself for making progress in that area. 

There's no place for abusers in our lives.  I don't know about you, but I've shut that door.  It sounds as though that's where you're at too.  Congratulations, Blimblam!

[bungenstein]

It makes me feel like im making a difference, i like feeling empathy, i like doing what i can to make others lives easier, in my 2 year relationship, i brought my ex a £700 bed because hers had snapped and she couldnt afford a new one, i brought an ipad mini because her 6 year old really wanted one, and she always said no because she couldnt afford it, I brought her an Apple Tv, so she could watch her favourite Tv shows, a trampoline in the summer time, because she always made her little ones play outside with nothing to do, so i did it for THEM.  she always said i undermined her parenting skills, but i did it for her kids, i swear i loved them more than her half the time, i couldnt bear to see them grow up without having nice things.

The problem is, he sounds like the sort of person that is ready to take it, he is letting her walk all over him and by the sounds of it just tries even harder and even harder to please her, I think shes going to have to do something truly horrific for him to let go.

I then start feeling angry at the replacement, I think really, are you really that pathetic that you are ready to buckle to her every whim, it makes me upset that people can be so pathetic, have some backbone and stick up for yourself.

What you just described sounds to me like Rescuing behaviour, the BPD's draw it out of us, its what they want, I did not start the relationship as a Rescuer, but she wanted Rescuing, she played the Victim and I eventually fell into the position of the Rescuer. This is the Drama Triangle which only fuels the destructive behaviours in both parties ultimately making things worse and both people more unhappy.

Read up on this, its very interesting and in important life skill if you can stop yourself from falling onto the drama triangle in any dealing with another human being, an adopt a stance on the Winner's Triangle instead, you'll have much better results in life!

www.coachingsupervisionacademy.com/thought-leadership/the-karpman-drama-triangle/

www.beingasunbeam.com/2011/09/05/drama-triangle-to-winners-triangle/

Bungeinstein, those articles are incredible thank you so much! now i finally understand why they switch to punitive parent mode when we are discarded, it really is such an insightful read,  Im going to read that again and again, untill its imprinted within my self.   

These women are master manipulators, they are completely fake, with everyone, they are pathalogical liars, and they ruin the lives of whoever they get close to.

I just went to see Gone Girl, oh, my, god, I recommend everyone on this board to go and see it, it validated my experience to much, it really made things about my relationship with my ex crystal clear, it made me feel amazing, I highly recommend it.

[Blimblam]

Bliss for me i realized this has mostly been due to allowing abusive people to stay in my life. Not since my teens have I been abusive to anyone else. But have been accommodating to people that are and allowed them to drag me down into cycles of self abuse. My biggest mistake has been allowing people in my life that idealize me when I was working on myself.  They invariably have switched into victem mode or persecuter or both.

The only one of these relationships i Perseud  was with my BPD ex.

I accept that I have been codependent but did not seek to control other people in fact when they demanded I take that role have attempted to show them their own projection i realize now it is not something I can do.

My ex wife who idealized me is codependent to the point of being slightly borderline. With some slight histrionic traits.

One if the most subtle forms of abuse is when someone says stop being the victim when you are in pain.  Anyone who says that cut them out of your life.

My issues stem from FOO.  I'm a lot like my mother who was the "peacekeeper" in our family, and was codependent with my father.   I'm repeating some of the dynamics from my FOO.  Interestingly, when I look back at my friendships and even some of my romantic relationships, I've drawn people who wish to control me.  In the past, I recognized it, and sometimes jumped ship.  And sometimes I didn't and allowed those friendships or r/s's to continue far too long.  It was toxic.  It was abusive.  One important thing that I've been working on, is looking at my friendships, identifying the healthy ones, and letting go of the ones that aren't healthy.  After the r/s, red flag behavior and dysfunctional dynamics blare like a mega phone.  I simply can't ignore or make excuses anymore.  I choose to step out of the way.  That's a big deal for me.  I'm proud of myself for making progress in that area. 

There's no place for abusers in our lives.  I don't know about you, but I've shut that door.  It sounds as though that's where you're at too.  Congratulations, Blimblam!

Thank you

I'm glad your at that point to blissfull

I think I am finally at a point of reaching forgiveness. Just starting to feel it.