How do they feel about NC?

[pieceofme]

I am 3 months out NC a little less and it doesn't get any better she is still 24-7 in my head... .Do people really get better or they just lie to their brain that they are actually getting better, but deep inside it is not getting better ? 

i wonder this, too... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I am 3 months out NC a little less and it doesn't get any better she is still 24-7 in my head... .Do people really get better or they just lie to their brain that they are actually getting better, but deep inside it is not getting better ? 

i wonder this, too... .

It's said people hang around in our heads until the lessons they were there to teach have been learned.  Ruminating, replaying the past and the relationship over and over, mulling things over, reframing, reinterpreting things as the fog clears, are all tools our brain uses to make sense of the nonsensical; we all do this all the time, on the way to becoming old a wise.  'Lying' to ourselves can also be considered 'fake it til you make it', which results in us actually making it if we do it long enough.  Also, the more traumatic the experience the harder the brain needs to work to make sense of it all, which can be the good news; in my case getting over my ex unearthed issues I thought were dealt with but had been back-burnered, which I also kind of knew, or had a sense of, but the motivation inspired by the pain allowed me to face those issues head on, not pretty, but the only way out is through, and I feel like I've grown a lot fast, after many years of trying.

Anyway, does believing that you're lying to yourself and there are deep-buried issues that are not getting resolved serve you or not, does it help or hurt you?  I was still stuck in the funk at 3 months as well, the rumination and focus on her started waning at 6 months, I was very depressed and physically sick for a few months after that, and things started looking up after a year.  Could I have sped it up with professional help?  Maybe, but I made it through regardless, which is what matters.  So what about having faith in yourself and your brain's ability to self heal, and if that doesn't work, go get some help, with the belief that nothing is buried so far it isn't available to you, and anything that comes up is there to serve you in your own growth?  Take care of you!

[freedom33]

Two months no contact. I blocked her from everything after she tried Fb,skype,whatsapp,viber - she even created a fake profile last week. Tonight she has been calling me from an unknown number near midnight. Four times in a row. She is heavily dysregulating usually in the weekends. I didn't pick up but I do feel sorry for her albeit in a detached way. I made progress in these forums. She still crosses my mind many times throughout the day. I love her and but this is not good for either of us. She needs really good help dbt - only that can help. Not me. Psychic amputation is the term I coined for what I have done to myself going nc. It's the only way forward guys. Good luck to all.

[myself]

It must be a relief, because she doesn't have to face it, but I bet she also really hates it. She still tries contacting me, to get in more final words and continue scapegoating me. Deep down she feels ashamed, knowing that for me to stay away means she fatally damaged what we had together.

She lost someone who really cared for her. She hurt her friend.

NC means her patterns haven't changed, but mine have.

[hurting300]

I miss my baby so badly. I want to find my ex.

[Springle]

I feel pretty bad about it to be honest, but remember my ex is a non and we left off on relatively bad terms. Not because we resented each other but his newBPDgf had orchestrated a whole series of events to make me look crazy, warp his mind and generally manipulate it so I was completely gone; out of the picture. No regard at all for he newbf's desire to stay friends or a least on good terms for me, utter selfishness and paranoia from her I say.

Now N/C from her? That is heaven. Believe me if I could shoot her into space so she would 100% definitely never bother me or anyone else on the planet again I would.

[Mermaid lover]

If anyone was thinking about getting revenge, disappearing without a trace is the way to hurt a borderline to their core, you can't hurt one worse than that in their world, and having the strength to disappear might just give you massive respect in your exes head, much more than you had in the relationship, probably followed by shame and self loathing.  Not a pleasant existence at all, one we will probably develop compassion for as we detach.

And bunny 'wondering' is ruminating, as we let our brain process and make sense of what we went through, a necessary part of making sense of our world in general.  As we ruminate and process, we literally rewire our brain with new understandings, moving forward in our own evolution.  It takes what it takes, and not that you asked for advice, but one way to get through it is to slowly, consciously shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future, as you create a new life without her in it, maybe better than it's ever been.

All of this was perfect Heel/Heal. You're so on point with all of this. Being NC was incredibly difficult and its someintg that I still battle. But with the support of this site and ppl like you, as well as, my family, friends and my therapist (yes, had to do it)... Ive forced myself to become stronger at all costs. I would've failed numerous times and still be in a jet abyss drowning in my own tears if it hadn't been for my support team.

The crazy thing is that very little by little... .I'm finding my new independence to be quite exciting. I used to live and breathe for my bpex. Whenever they called, I would quickly cut my time whether it be with friends, family, a dance class... .or just spending time alone... .just to join by BPDbf. I Made my Life about making him happy... and fulfilling HIS NEED. I always put him ahead of me and what I wanted- even though I knew this wqas wrong and unhealthy. So I was to blame as well, for enabling him.

So even though its hard, insanely hard at times... .things do get better. As I'm learning more about this disorder... .I do have more compassion for my ex. Even though I truly love him to pieces, but I know no matter how much love I give him... or how devoted I am... .it will never be enough.

He left me by the way... . 

However, since I have been NC for weeks now, Blocked from texts, calls, WhatsApp... .he did finally send me an email for how much he yearns for me and still being in love with me, etch etc. I must admit, it hurt  - A LOT. But I didn't reply... .I know we could never go back to what we were so that makes me moving forward "easier".

[FoolishMan]

I am 3 months out NC a little less and it doesn't get any better she is still 24-7 in my head... .Do people really get better or they just lie to their brain that they are actually getting better, but deep inside it is not getting better ? 

i wonder this, too... .

The first thing that went, around month four or five, was the pain.

I do still find myself thinking of her but can stop it more easily. I also can think of the worst parts in depth without pain. I can remember a person suffering incredible pain in my memories but I don't feel it. I pass her on the road and I don't get that shiver that instant flush of anger or fear or whatever the hell it is. It's just gone. She has demonstrated the fact she is dangerous to me in so many ways i just see her like a disease, a predator, or a wasps nest. I'm keeping away.

So I'd say I think of her at least twice every day if I don't see her, maybe some days when I'm very busy and happy I don't at all. I had an argument with my wife earlier and it made me think of her, but only to highlight how much worse BPD arguments had been. So believe me it does get better but at three months I was still a bit of a zombie but I just kept inching forward, working, getting fitter and stronger physically, eating as much good food as I could, seeing as many pals as I could. I do remember thinking this will never end. It does. I could have her back, for at least one night but no, I had to be nasty to her and the replacement for her to want me back and again it highlights how silly, disgusting and rank rotten she is.

I know with certainty I've dodged a bullet.

[Deeno02]

Don't think mine will give me the time of day. I care but I dont.

[fromheeltoheal]

He left me by the way... . 

However, since I have been NC for weeks now, Blocked from texts, calls, WhatsApp... .he did finally send me an email for how much he yearns for me and still being in love with me, etch etc. I must admit, it hurt  - A LOT. But I didn't reply... .I know we could never go back to what we were so that makes me moving forward "easier".

That is telling and provides insight into the disorder.  He left you for his own reasons, probably he was either feeling engulfed or feeling you were about to abandon him, for his own reasons that may or may not have had anything to do with you, and then he contacts you testing to see if an attachment is still in place, that can be used to make him feel better, to soothe his emotions, which it sounds like you did plenty of in the past.  BPD is about need fulfillment, not love.  And we make it about love, which is why it hurts so much.  The only way out of the pain is to get off the rollercoaster, which you know.  Take care of you!

[FoolishMan]

Something else that was really weird and unlike any BU I've had was when I worked out, say sprinting, when I got really tired, fatigued then I'd start thinking of her and the pain would be bad. I worked out every day except Sundays for 8 months now and the pain when I was fatigued, I'm talking 5 times or so per day, was terrible. I'd think of her and him, I'd maybe be on the deck puffing and panting after sit ups and my brain would imagine them laughing and frolicking like immortal elves! It made me feel really really low but I kept going and eventually used it to help me get closure and detach further. But it was hard I'm so very glad it's over I've only really been able to post recently due to detachment.

I don't think I my posts in the first four months would have helped anyone detach at all.

[Mermaid lover]

He left me by the way... . 

and then he contacts you testing to see if an attachment is still in place, that can be used to make him feel better, to soothe his emotions, which it sounds like you did plenty of in the past.  BPD is about need fulfillment, not love.  And we make it about love, which is why it hurts so much.  The only way out of the pain is to get off the rollercoaster, which you know.  Take care of you!

Thank you Heal... .yes I've been taking care of me more these days. I can't lie. I'm still hooked on him. And think of him daily. I still cry at night some times... but not every night anymore.

Little by little its getting better.

Ive also realized so so much now that I'm out of the relationship... and "ruminate" over it. I also started to see where I went wrong. And that's been incredibly helpful to understanding myself more... understanding why I did the things to th extent I did? Why I became obsessed- as he initially did? Why I needed this constant feeling of feeling "loved". I became addicted to the feeling. We became addicted to each other.

I understand why he did now with all the knowledge I'm getting. But what about understanding why I had the need to be this kind of "care taker"? Thats the bigger question. 

With therapy, I've learned A LOT. Things I never woudlve acknowledged before... things I had buried when I was a child... .

Wow just a lot.

So much came from this experience and I'm looking forward to overcoming this and growing into a better person. Owning my life again and taking responsibility for myself before anyone else is paramount right now... .and probably will always be a priority.  heart-smile

Thank you again Heal

[enlighten me]

My exwife hates it.

I get the occasional email from her about our sons. Arranging dates that I have them and school/ medical info. I never contact her though. Even though we split up in 2010 she still occasionally mentions that I have her blocked on facebook. Her mum has also said that she hates the silent treatment from me. I told her mum it wasn't silent treatment I just wasn't interested in talking to her.

[fromheeltoheal]

But what about understanding why I had the need to be this kind of "care taker"? Thats the bigger question. 

Yep, and good for you for asking it.  You may decide that that becomes the gift of the relationship, the forced uncovering of long-buried stuff, or stuff we knew was unresolved but we get a new sense of urgency in resolving it.  And you may even end up grateful for the relationship as you work through all of that and come out the other side better, more evolved, happier, more content.  Enjoy the journey!