I've decided to cut my best friend out of my life

[Blimblam]

Last few weeks have been pretty big for me

A lot of fog has cleared.

Focussing on how i related to the projections going on in my relationship with me ex has extended this awareness of projection into other areas I my life as well.

A few years back I was very confident in myself and self motivated. 

Then I moved back to my hometown.

Being around my best friend from back in the day and my family i realize filled me with toxicity and I fell into a cycle of disassociation. This primed me for a relationship with my ex waif.

I realize my best friend constantly puts himself in the persecuter/rescuer roles and projects the victem into other people with snide abusive comments. I was in a vulnerable state when i arrived back here and everyone around me cut me down for their own selfish needs.

As I have become much more aware of my projection I can smell the bs people project outward a that is a part of themself now.

I really need to create distance between anyone stuck in that drama paradigm and focus on balancing myself.  I've done it before and all my add and disassociation was not existant I had the laser focus, was self assured and attracted people from being so centered and driven by passion. Although I got dragged back down at that time for rescuing a forest which reactivated the karpman drama triangle. Priming me for me ex wife who idealized me and stalked me untill I gave in.

No more rescuing I'm don't with it.

No more people that project the victem onto others.

Now i will center myself and confront and forgive the punitive parent and accept the healthy adult. This last step will be a process. As I will not surpress my pain but work through it like I have been doing.

[Blimblam]

A big thing that cut me down when I arrived back here is my brother who I now realize has BPD with very heavy sociopathic traits.

I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos on abusive behavior and this has helped me to accept that people in my life I have been so forgiving of are actually abusive and the only thing I can make them do to realize it is by leaving them.

I have been codependent. Falling into the victim rescuer mode by just accepting rescuing people into my life when I felt vulnerable.  No more of that. In my experience they don't want to see me improve and I tend to minimize their abusive behaviors by allowing them to be in my life.

I can't change them. They don't see their own reflection and that's not my problem.

[Louise7777]

Blimblam, despite of all that happened, Im glad you are in a better place now.

Like you, I realized I was dealing with a lot of uPDs. So I had to cut off "friends" too. Looking back, I can see they were not really friends, they just kept in touch when it suited them. I feel relieved and not mourning at all. Wish you all the best in your journey.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good stuff Blim.  I noticed that as I detached from my ex and learned, and healed from trauma really, it affected my outlook on everything and everyone, and I too have removed several people from my life, not because they were especially 'bad' or 'disordered' (a couple were), but because our relationship was based on nothing really.  Surface, superficial relationships that I suddenly have no use for; go big or go home.  I expect more out of my relations with other people today, because I deserve it and am capable of doing my part and showing up, yes, but also because life is too short to fck around.  There's an urgency to life now, one I didn't have before, a very big gift of that relationship.

[Blimblam]

Thanks guys

I'm pretty sad about this

He's been my best friend for 15 years. Has always been there for me. 

It's just he has been a bad influence on me. He projects his negativity towards his inner child onto me constantly. I've noticed he's lost all compassion for like people crossing the street or customer service people. I commented on it and he said he thinks he slighly sociopathic. I think he's just a covert narcissist with a high iq.

Every time I go to bounce ideas around with him he is extremely negative and he like fed off my energy in a way that keeps me down.

My closest friend it's not easy to do.

[Pingo]

I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos on abusive behavior and this has helped me to accept that people in my life I have been so forgiving of are actually abusive and the only thing I can make them do to realize it is by leaving them.

Blimblam, I have been coming to this realisation about different r/ss also. Since my BU with my uBPDexh I have started to see abuse in other r/ss where I had not noticed before!

My first husband (non but many narcissistic traits) and I have to co-parent our son.  Although I try to get along with him for the sake of our son I have been finding myself getting more and more angry as I realise how abusive he was and still is! If I try to confront him on anything to do with our son he rages and is verbally abusive!  So I've laid down the law, I refuse to talk or text with him any long outside of emergencies, he can only communicate with me by email!  No more being 'friends' for the sake of our son, I don't want our son to think that it is acceptable for people to treat others like that!

Then there's my best friend of 19 yrs who didn't like my uBPDexh very much.  For whatever reason I think he scared her or triggered some stuff for her.  She tolerated him but would lecture me every single time I spoke to her.  It was getting to be a bit much as I felt like she was trying to be my mother more than my friend, telling me how to live my life instead of trusting that I could figure things out for myself.  After I separated with my ex the first time and then reconciled she told me it may affect my r/s with her.  I didn't like this threat, that my choices with him meant that I might lose her.  Then after the second and final split she was once again lecturing me and I called her on it.  I figured if I wasn't going to let the man I was madly in love with abuse me anymore then it didn't make sense to let her!  Up until then I had never really called her out on anything.  And she didn't like it and cut me off.  So now we haven't spoke for a couple months and not sure if we will again.  Breaks my heart to lose two important r/ss at once but I deserve better! 

Funny how once we see the abuse our pwBPD inflicted on us and get our heads out of the fog we start to see abuse everywhere!

[Harri]

Hi Blimblam.     I know this is a painful decision for you and I am sorry for that.  You sound so focused and realistic and I applaud your decision to take care of you first and to put your own needs first.  You are doing this from a place of strength and being centered and that is a good indication that this is the right choice *and* as difficult as it may be, you will come through it all better and stronger.

Good for you Blimblam! 

[Blimblam]

Thanks gals

What I realize is this is a reflection of where I am in myself. 

I won't allow me to abuse myself anymore so I can't be around people who contribute to this. Untill I can get to a point where it's like water off a ducks back.

I will give him another chance once I'm stronger in side but I'm afraid he might be stuck where he's at because he is so focused on "success". When I think back he was always passive aggressive. He is extremely intelligent which makes it harder to talk to him about it because he can out out maneuver me in an argument.

But it's true I see abuse everywhere now but I see it as a reflection of where people are at within them selves.

There is a part of me that wants to lash out against it but that's not the solution it only feeds back into it.

But I don't want to be around people that put themselves in this I am the parent and so self assured stance anymore, look how hard I worked and much i sacrificed to the system so that gives me the right to judge others.

I am not perfect and I make mistakes. I suppoce I can only become aware of my own projection and align myself with my internal values so I can project that.

[Ihope2]

There are healthy, balanced people out there - once we've dealt with all our own issues, I think we start connecting more with that positive energy that vibrates within healthy, spiritually advanced folk.  That's what I'm hoping for for myself.  I know I am done with tolerating disordered thinking and  behaviour both from myself and others.

If this means cutting out certain people, even my own mother, then so be it.

[maternal]

I am doing the same.

She is aware of how close she is in behavior to my ex because she told me so.  She hates my ex for how badly he treated me, but she is aware enough to know that she isn't really much different than him in many respects.  She is on a very, very self-destructive path right now and I want no part of it.  I told her months ago that if she doesn't face and start taking care of her sh!it, I can't be around... .the lack of facing her own problems is too much like my ex and I don't want to be near it.  I am facing mine and doing the necessary work on me, and leaving her out of my life is part of this work.