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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: I wish I could just end the pain  (Read 346 times)
shellbent
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 123



« on: October 09, 2014, 01:00:55 PM »

It is now 4 months and 2 weeks that have past since she left. So far I've tried everything that I can think of, the only thing that keeps me busy besides my job, is reading about PDs. I went through all of the stages and I too had felt she was like a drug, all I wanted was one more hit. I have been thru all the stages, and I accepted a long time ago that she painted me black. I triggered her defenses, this was after already apart, and in return she deemed me evil. When I was trying to talk to her what hurt most was that she couldn't tell me her feelings since she didn't understand them. So she abandoned me. Later when I told her that I needed some time away from her to heal as I was still hopelessly in love. I told her not to contact me, unless there is an emergency, and after that she was avoiding me completely.

Almost like trying to show me that she doesn't need me. We work together and each any every day goes by with seeing and hearing her most of the time. But she acts like I don't exist. Only recently when she figured out that I know she has a replacement, I approached her a couple of times, but she acted like she couldn't care less about me. Never asks anything about me.

The thing that bothers me the most in all this, is that I just can't let go, no matter how hard I try.

I keep thinking I have, going thru different feelings of anger, rage, hurt. So I start doing things to keep me busy, working out and doing other sports. Somehow I keep reading about pwBPD and feel like I am obsessed with gaining knowledge about how to get through hard times. Understanding what went on can be inspiring and eye opening and some of it is relief, but a lot of it is heart breaking and hopelessly painful.

I keep believing that I can get to the point to make her more comfortable by how I can truly see her for who she really is. But she would most likely never accept that she is "faulty". Nor that she should be loved by anyone.

I really feel like we brought out the best in each other, but after the point that I truly loved her, she couldn't handle that anymore. And yes I can see that I am addicted to the attention, care and adoration that she gave me or mirrored. But I really always cared about her and felt like I could keep her safe. She was a lonely girl who needed me.

So as you can imagine going out on dates with other girls were just boring, or I quickly become uninterested. None of them bring me alive like she did.

We were connected in such a way, but maybe in a way that only I felt.

In the end I keep realizing, that the more I read here about BPD the more I am keeping myself connected to my pwBPDex. I can accept that I cannot make her want to change, this would be quite impossible with how she quickly activated her defenses.

I feel like I am being punished for what others have done to her, the way her mother neglected her and treated her differently as a child.

And I have to say it feels awful, I want to tell her to stop, that I get it, you don't need to shut me out of your life to prove a point to me. Me caring about you still is not because I need something from you, it is because I feel I could be only a few of many who accepts you the way you are. We were compatible as you brought to surface my biggest fears, I never even knew I was afraid of being abandoned. Being abandoned by you is not something I ever expected or ever could have been prepared for. You were nothing but a confused innocent child, who wanted love, but never trusted that it will last, because everyone you love abandons you.

You cannot see true love for what it's worth, because nobody taught you your self-worth.

I feel like the same little child as my pwBPDex and the feeling I got from her was nothing I ever felt before, like getting the exact amount of attention that I needed.

I hid my child so well until a pwBPD turned me upside down. Now I feel like I can never be as happy, if only I could forget her.

Sorry for ranting, I hope someone can relate to what I'm going through

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