NY Mag Article on Emotional Abuse

[Turkish]

I saw this article on the FB feed of a local organization which runs a domestic violence shelter and outreach:

www.nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/10/emotional-abuse-can-be-as-damaging-as-sex-abuse.html

Some depressing news for your afternoon: Kids who are emotionally abused suffer the same mental-health consequences as those who are physically or sexually abused — and in some cases, psychologically abused kids may actually fare worse. That’s the takeaway of a sobering new report from the American Psychological Association that was just published in the journal Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy.

“Psychological abuse” covers a wide variety of mistreatment, including parents bullying kids, exerting excess control over them, or insulting or threatening them; at the other end of the spectrum, isolating or ignoring kids is also considered to be psychological abuse.

[Harri]

Thanks for sharing that Turkish.  I am glad to see that psychological abuse is being studied and that more mainstream magazines are reporting on it.  When I think back to the events that hurt the most, it was the tone of voice, the facial expression, and the atmosphere that is most prevalent; more so than the actual words or specific act of violence and control.  Those are also the hardest parts to describe.  The actual event was hard enough, but the stuff that accompanied it is what still lingers and haunts me sometimes.

[gentlestguardian]

Thank you for posting, Turkish. It's true, this issue absolutely needs more attention. It's almost impossible to get even your trusted friends to take your seriously when you tell them you've been psychologically abused as a child. As long as it wasn't physical, well then it's all good, "you shouldn't dwell on it, just move on."    It really makes me wonder how many of my acquaintances and friends did suffer psychological abuse growing up and just aren't aware of it.

[Turkish]

Thank you for posting, Turkish. It's true, this issue absolutely needs more attention. It's almost impossible to get even your trusted friends to take your seriously when you tell them you've been psychologically abused as a child. As long as it wasn't physical, well then it's all good, "you shouldn't dwell on it, just move on."    

There's textbook invalidation right there, being told how you should feel.

It really makes me wonder how many of my acquaintances and friends did suffer psychological abuse growing up and just aren't aware of it.

That, and perhaps shame? It can be tough as adult children (like we all are), because standards of what constitutes abuse have changed. I'm sure many of us here heard the "you don't have it bad! Do you know what my father used to do?" as if that excuses anything.

For what it's worth, my mom's father was a lot worse than my mother. He sounded like a psychopath in both the physical, sexual, and psychological abuse department.

[Shelle]

Thank you!  Most people on the site can attest to this, and now there is finally evidence.

The purple marks on my leg would go away within weeks.  The isolation, the screaming sessions and repeated thumps on my forehead have crippled me as much as if she had broken my leg, and it never fully healed.

[workinprogress]

Yep, being called "stupid", a "98 pound weakling," being isolated from my friends, and having chaotic rule changes throughout my childhood was much worse than any beating I got.

[jmanvo2015]

I saw this article too and agreed with it.  I do think childhood emotional abuse stays with us forever.  I've really been benefitting from what I'm learning in Adult Children of Alcoholics, though, so grateful for that.

[funfunctional]

Hi,

Emotional abuse was big in my childhood/teen year especially.   My mother thought that because she didn't hit us like she was hit that she overcame that and it was an "accomplishment" for her.   What she didn't realize is the constant negative comments and drama and every night listening to her rant and rave (usually about my brother) was just horrible.   She called him a loser, a thief, that he had a criminal mind... .and started this when he was maybe 5ish years old.   That carried onto me down the line. There was a lot of comparing.  Why can't you be like your sister.   Later teen years they started in on me with "you're becoming a loser like your brother"... .etc.    I think NOT!  

My youngest sibling did so many bad things but was not treated even close in comparision to my brother.  My dad stepped in and instead he enabled & allowed all her bad behavior so now she thinks life is one big party and responsibility too much to handle.   Yet, she has no self image... .and scars like the rest of us. 

I consider my retreat at age 17 to college the best thing that ever happened to me.  I subtracted myself from the house.    I am resented for this by my siblings and hated.    I am a survivor.  My sister is BPD and an alcoholic/addictions.  My brother emotionally unstable and crippled living with family relative.   Always has to be cared for.  No normal life... .no family of his own... .still a child.

Emotional abuse cripples & is often laughed at by other people.  I have had family members completely deny what went on and pretend it didn't.    Well... .to those of you emotionally abused.  I get it.    May our wounds heal, may we love ourselves and surround ourselves that people are kind and loving to us.    

[workinprogress]

Funfunctional, maybe your youngest sister was deeply impacted by the treatment she saw you and your brother receiving.

My younger brother really struggled in school.  My dad would mercilessly call him stupid and belittle him for it.  It really impacted me because I could just feel my brothers pain.  Here was a kid who was doing the best he could and my dad would verbally beat him down.

We would also get severe whippings regularly.  Hearing crying haunted me forever because it reminded me of my brother getting whipped.

When my first born son would cry it would trigger those memories.  It was very sad for me.

[funfunctional]

My brother was called stupid all the time.    He was the one that would get the "belt" once in a while.  Usually my father chased him down the hallway and he hurt himself fleeing and hit a wall or something.  My father would walk away at that point.    Then my dad would laugh about it.    There was more "threats" of physical punishment with my brother than there were actual hitting.     The belt was a threat.

My sister never was treated as such.   I am sure she saw a lot and it has impacted her.  However, she was treated a bit like a queen and not to her benefit.    I still think although it appeared she was treated queenlike she wasn't.     On one hand she feel incredibly entitled to do everything... .on the other she is low self-esteem/confidence and really does hate herself.

Just a lot of screwed up kids... .I have my own stuff I have worked hard at.    For some reason I survived better and a lot becuz I was the "good kid" against my brother who was the bad kid.

Don't you just want to be happy now?   I just want kind people around me and love.   No more of the crazy garbage.   OY!