Coping with a pwBPD's resentment towards you?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey there BPD family,

I found out via text that my uBPDbf "resents" me. Since he left, I have endured the ST, minimal texting, and no phone calls. Yesterday, we were actually texting all day long.  In typical BPD fashion, it started out as "I love and miss you" and ended with him resenting me.  Ironically, he was apologizing at the same time as saying he resented me. He never has said this to me before. I am exhausted with his behavior. How do you cope with their "resentment?" 

[EaglesJuju]

Hey there BPD family,

I found out via text that my uBPDbf "resents" me. Since he left, I have endured the ST, minimal texting, and no phone calls. Yesterday, we were actually texting all day long.  In typical BPD fashion, it started out as "I love and miss you" and ended with him resenting me.  Ironically, he was apologizing at the same time as saying he resented me. He never has said this to me before. I am exhausted with his behavior. How do you cope with their "resentment?" 

[willtimeheal]

You can take the resentment personally... .easily said than done. Their resentment towards you is a projection of their own shame and self hatred. I got a text yesterday form my exBPDgf who got arrested the other day for a dwi. She got upset with me because I believed she was drunk and told her she needed to take some responsibility in what happened. She got angry and said she did nothing wrong. She later wished me luck in my life and said that the feelings of love have turned to resentment over the last few months. But she will hold the good times close. Resentment in a BPD is part of their fantasy world that they live in. It's their inability to accept responsibility or self reflect and grown from their actions. My exBPDgf really believes she was not drunk. I have been with her for 6 years. She said she had one beer. In the six years we were together she has never been able to stop after one. She drinks the case or the whole bottle of wine. Resentment  is a way they deal with avoiding shame. Don't take it personally.

[EaglesJuju]

You can take the resentment personally... .easily said than done. Their resentment towards you is a projection of their own shame and self hatred. I got a text yesterday form my exBPDgf who got arrested the other day for a dwi. She got upset with me because I believed she was drunk and told her she needed to take some responsibility in what happened. She got angry and said she did nothing wrong. She later wished me luck in my life and said that the feelings of love have turned to resentment over the last few months. But she will hold the good times close. Resentment in a BPD is part of their fantasy world that they live in. It's their inability to accept responsibility or self reflect and grown from their actions. My exBPDgf really believes she was not drunk. I have been with her for 6 years. She said she had one beer. In the six years we were together she has never been able to stop after one. She drinks the case or the whole bottle of wine. Resentment  is a way they deal with avoiding shame. Don't take it personally.

Thanks    I was thinking of going NC for a little while, because his behavior is really frustrating me.   

[Mutt]

She got angry and said she did nothing wrong. She later wished me luck in my life and said that the feelings of love have turned to resentment over the last few months. But she will hold the good times close. Resentment in a BPD is part of their fantasy world that they live in. It's their inability to accept responsibility or self reflect and grown from their actions. My exBPDgf really believes she was not drunk. I have been with her for 6 years. She said she had one beer. In the six years we were together she has never been able to stop after one. She drinks the case or the whole bottle of wine.

Good analogy willtimeheal. I would like to add FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) or emotional blackmail. She's waifish in wanting you to feel guilt or bad for her because she's become angry. I agree she's projecting her feelings of shame and guilt.

That's a good idea EaglesJuju. Take a break from his FOG. As willtimeheal, you can take the behavior personally or you can be indifferent to the behavior. It's easier said than done, but it really helps to read as much as you can about BPD to de-personalize the behaviors.

[Indyan]

Ironically, he was apologizing at the same time as saying he resented me.

Same here, and it makes no sense.

He goes on like "I'm angry with you but it's not your fault but mine."

Err... .ok then, why don't you stop being angry at me then?

[willtimeheal]

I do feel mine became resentful because I had made the changes she wanted and was ready to have that wonderful life we had talked about. But she realized she couldn't commit or be in a relationship so she sabotaged it. She found ways to resent me because she hated herself.  I do feel I was the one that truly loved and cared for her. I wanted her to get better and have a successful life. Her family didn't want her to leave their dysfunction and she was scared to have a normal life. Although that is all she complained about "I just want a normal life."  I think about the shame she must have felt when she was arrested and everyone found out about her dwi. Then when I told her to take responsibility she got angry and that was the end. I find it ironic... .a day earlier she was rubbing it in my face that she has been happier than she ever has been in a long time. A day later she is busted for a dwi. Does that sound happy?  Uggh. I will never understand why someone would choose to live this way!

[EaglesJuju]

Ironically, he was apologizing at the same time as saying he resented me.

Same here, and it makes no sense.

He goes on like "I'm angry with you but it's not your fault but mine."

Err... .ok then, why don't you stop being angry at me then?

Wishful thinking  . PwBPD can be so frustrating.  When he was apologizing and telling me he resented me, I literally rolled my eyes.   I wish I could shake him and say, "What you are saying does not make sense.  You are contradicting yourself."