dd27 is STUCK and in DENIAL

[RockLady]

Hi All,

This is my first post regarding my dd27.  She was diagnosed at 17 with BPD and the high school years were the worst.  She has been hospitalized several times, in and out of therapy for years and right now is not in therapy.  She feels she doesn't need it - it's the everyone else mantra.

The issue is she is seriously depressed, isolated, sleeps all day, up most of the night, spends 2-3 hours in bathroom showering, fussing at a time, creates mountains of laundry - towels, multiple changes of pjs, clothes, etc.  She has a bf who is 37 and says he really loves her.  This relationship has been going on for 1 year 10 months.  He has the same issues with her when she stays with him.  She goes back and forth between his place and our home. 

She has had multiple car accidents which resulted in 2 back surgeries for which she is still in pain.  She also has endometriosis and has had 2 surgeries for this.  She is on several opiod pain killers to which she is addicted or dependent as the doctor says.  The pain meds zonk her out.  She frequently takes more than prescribed and runs out so she goes through withdrawal.  Her psychiatrist has her on Seroquel and Xanax (and she runs out of Xanax).  She is seriously depressed and really needs to take antidepressants but refuses because it's not depression - it's her living situation.  Her psychiatrist has prescribed numerous times but has given up.

WE have been very fortunate that this bf has given us the first bit of respite that we have had in years.  My husband and I have actually been able to get away twice in the last 2 years because he keeps watch.  However this relationship is dying because she refuses to acknowledge that she needs to make changes and rationalizes her behavior to the point of putting the blame on us.  Her depression is destroying her life and it drags us down too.  She does much better when she is in therapy but when the therapist starts focusing on her issues then she can't handle the situation and disengages.

Thanks for letting me vent

Rock Lady

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

dear rocklady

I am so sorry you have been struggling so long with your dd27. You must be exhausted. It is nice you have her bf to help out but I can see she is stuck in a pattern. Do you think her bf and yourself could sit down and talk with her about going to therapy again? Maybe get into a rehab program? It is hard to get pwBPD into therapy but I think there is a way to encourage her to do so. ARe there any conditions to her living at home? Maybe this could be some that is required if she want to continue to live with you... .Is your dd working? Where does she get money from? How does she afford her meds?

[RockLady]

Hi Jellibeans,

My daughter is on SSDI.  She has multiple issues which interfere with her ability to work.  Severe endometriosis, psychiatric hospitalizations, and chronic back pain from 2 surgeries and multiple accidents.  We pay for her meds - for both pain and psychiatric.  She doesn't get enough money to live on her own so she lives with me and her father.  She does go to bfs for several days at a time.  She comes home when she gets stressed and needs down time.

Bf has tried talking to her about therapy.  She stopped therapy about 1 year and a half ago and has deteriorated since then.  She was arrested for shoplifting a year ago - something new  She was arrested for DUI about 6 months ago - court date is next week.  She was on prescription pain pills and pot.  BF has taken her to all court dates.  She will probably lose her license next week which is ok with us. 

It is very difficult for her father and I to pin her down for a discussion.  She will walk away, mumble, slam her door in our face, curse, not now - I don't have time, don't feel well and so on.  Pushing her will dysregulate her and most likely the police will have to be called.

WE have tried getting her to fill out an application for mental health housing for which she qualifies but the waiting list is at least 5 years.  She refuses to fill the  paper work out accusing us of putting her with crazy people.  She would probably get evicted anyway because she can't/won't follow rules. 

She really needs some type of long term residential to orient her to night and day, get her moving, etc. but we just can't afford that and insurance will only pay day by day.  No guarantee that she would get anymore than a couple of days.  Psych hospitals are basically holding tanks and patients are managed, not treated. 

So that's where we are at.  Thanks for caring.

Rock Lady

[jellibeans]

I am so sorry rocklady... .sounds like you are all stuck in your same pattern. Isn't that the way with BPD... .seems that is what I do half the time as well... .try to push/encourage/advise my dd in the right direction. Do you think you would have better lucky with the bf being the one to suggest therapy?