How to talk about lying/deceitfulness with a pwBPD

[Grey Kitty]

I will be happy to discuss it when we are both willing to speak truthfully to one another." Over and out. Leave, walk away, take a break.

I find that statements like "when we both calm down" or "when we can both be truthful" are more invalidating than necessary--when you say "both of us" you could mean "me", "you", "both". The other party could also interpret it as "me", "you", or "both". Telling somebody else what they are feeling, saying, etc. is invalidating, and they can choose to take that interpretation of it.

Simply saying "I am too upset to talk about this right now." is impossible to credibly argue against, and doesn't accuse the other party of anything. If your goal is to stop a fight before it starts, or before it gets worse, this is a great way to do it.

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[Grey Kitty]

2: Since this particular situation is new, I haven't had a conversation regarding his lying and how it hurts me. I've never "busted" him before.

It sounds like a conversation about this is a good idea. Have you read up on the S.E.T. communications technique? It might help here.

I'd suggest that you explain that for you it is a much bigger thing to lie about the past than to fail to live up to a commitment about the future.

Now, we have had numerous conversations about him taking responsibility for his actions (ex: when he is out with friends, he'll tell me that he'll be home at a certain time, but is always late and rarely calls to say he'll be late. Doesn't apologize for being late and doesn't think it's a big deal. After discussing this many times, last week was the first time he's ever taken responsibility for this. Incidentally, this staying out all night incident happened a few days later... .)

I'd suggest you look for different approach regarding this part: Accept that when he says "I'll be home by X" he will probably forget and be late.

Don't make plans that depend on him being on time unless you absolutely have to. Consider options like sending him a friendly txt that he needs to leave soon to make it back on time if it does matter.

Perhaps if he tells you when he'll be home, tell him you won't hold him to it. (Assuming it is OK for you at that time.)

[AnnaK]

I'd suggest you look for different approach regarding this part: Accept that when he says "I'll be home by X" he will probably forget and be late.

Yeah, that's how I am doing it. After several times that I was waiting for him to come by the stated time and it failed, now I just nod... .when it proves that he went to a different place entirely and obviously does not come back by stated time, I just shrug. Moreover - it now comes as a surprise if he indeed went where he said and did come by the stated time.

[Cat21]

It sounds like a conversation about this is a good idea. Have you read up on the S.E.T. communications technique? It might help here.

I'd suggest that you explain that for you it is a much bigger thing to lie about the past than to fail to live up to a commitment about the future.

Yes, I've read up on SET and I try to use it faithfully. I had a session with my T this morning, and he expressed concern over me not putting enough of myself into this discussion with my husband. My T agreed that I will have to be mindful of the fact that my H might dysregulate or turn this all around on me, but urged me not to be TOO careful in what I say. In other words, I have a right to be mad and let my husband know that.

So, in a way, I feel a bit torn: on one hand, I know that doing things the "right" way will most likely yield a better result. On the other hand, I agree with my T that I may be focusing too much on my husband's feelings and not enough my own. This is why you are all telling me that I have to be strong! (And of course, I completely agree).

My husband isn't going to be home for another week, so I still have some time to think about what I'd like to say. Based on all of the great feedback I've got here and from my T, I know that I must not be unwavering in my delivery, but also show empathy. It's clear that he doesn't feel comfortable telling me the truth, for what reason- I don't know, but whatever it is, I hope that he is willing to work on talking about it. Otherwise, I fear this will happen again.

[formflier]

 

Cat,

Please remember that the "battleground"... .is his feelings... .not yours.  You are a "non"... .and while you have feelings... .and they can get out of hand (like everyones can)... .you are "emotionally healthier"... .and therefore able to put someone else's feelings ahead of your own.

So... fight the battle in the right battleground. 

Would you rather him show empathy to you... .or start faithfully attending counseling with you... .or with you and on and individual basis?

Granted... .great if he would do all of that... .but... if you had to choose... what would you choose... .?

Let that choice guide you behavior... .