Showing vulnerability

[ziniztar]

Yesterday was such a good day.

We hadn’t seen each other for 5 days because of work schedules (as always).

On Saturday, the day before Sunday when we would see each other again, I got really annoyed. It was quite difficult as I knew that 95% of it had to do with me, not with how he was behaving.

I got quite sad as I was slowly understanding that the annoyance is based on an expectation that he should always be there for me. And, that it’s based on me not allowing myself to long for someone as that pain is excruciating, and, probably never addressed since early childhood when my mom died. 

When we were together yesterday I was crying in the car when I was telling him this. He was sweet and was able to react to it in a loving way. I told him it felt good to me that I no longer felt (wrongfully) angry at him. It was nice to actually show vulnerability towards each other.   

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[Rapt Reader]

ziniztar, your boyfriend really sounds like a sweet soul to me, and a very patient and loving guy... .It sounds like he realizes he's got problems, but is also tolerant of you finding your own way through the landmines of your childhood, too.

Yesterday was such a good day.

We hadn’t seen each other for 5 days because of work schedules (as always).

On Saturday, the day before Sunday when we would see each other again, I got really annoyed. It was quite difficult as I knew that 95% of it had to do with me, not with how he was behaving.

I got quite sad as I was slowly understanding that the annoyance is based on an expectation that he should always be there for me. And, that it’s based on me not allowing myself to long for someone as that pain is excruciating, and, probably never addressed since early childhood when my mom died. 

When we were together yesterday I was crying in the car when I was telling him this. He was sweet and was able to react to it in a loving way. I told him it felt good to me that I no longer felt (wrongfully) angry at him. It was nice to actually show vulnerability towards each other.   

It seems like you have really made some strides in your understanding of yourself, and him, and it's great to hear... .I really do think that you two have a chance 

[ziniztar]

It seems like you have really made some strides in your understanding of yourself, and him, and it's great to hear... .I really do think that you two have a chance 

I don't know... I really like what you say, it's sweet. Yet me getting 'more healthy' is also feeding the desire to be with someone else who is more healthy. I am better in coping with his moods, but do I really want to, every time? Over and over again?

On the one hand I think moving in together would make life easier. Every time we make a big effort to see each other that is affected by arguments is so incredibly annoying. Why the hell did I travel for 1 hour and paid 10 euro's to get to him, only to find him in a depressed mood because his apple pie batter didn't quite turn out the way he expected it to be.

He really has to step up in his progress in therapy as well. The progress can not just be because I'm changing my reactions - he also has to do the work.

I've decided to just live my life as if I were single, not expecting anything from him. Working out as if I were single again, etc. He has a few months to find out whether he will manage to start his own business. I think him getting his own business will be a dramatic changer in his self-esteem, so even though I am really afraid about us not spending any time anymore and him turning into an alcoholic, I do think this is his best chance. I've decided to wait that one out, see what happens. He's also changing therapy which could help. But things have to continue improving during this calendar year, or else I'm afraid I will have to step away from him. I want kids, a family life, some stability over the upcoming years. It doesn't have to happen right now but we have to be on the road towards that.

How is your son doing, by the way? I was wondering: did you see him changing from making everyone else responsible for his issues, to taking own responsibility? I hate it when he claims his parents should pay for his ADHD medicin because it's 'their fault' he has it... .come on, you're 29 years old.

Thanks for responding by the way 

[Rapt Reader]

I've decided to just live my life as if I were single, not expecting anything from him. Working out as if I were single again, etc. He has a few months to find out whether he will manage to start his own business. I think him getting his own business will be a dramatic changer in his self-esteem, so even though I am really afraid about us not spending any time anymore and him turning into an alcoholic, I do think this is his best chance. I've decided to wait that one out, see what happens. He's also changing therapy which could help. But things have to continue improving during this calendar year, or else I'm afraid I will have to step away from him. I want kids, a family life, some stability over the upcoming years. It doesn't have to happen right now but we have to be on the road towards that.

It's funny that you mention that... .My Husband was very unwilling to commit to our relationship when we were dating, and after a year of that I just gave up. I didn't want to break up with him, because I really loved him, but I didn't want to waste my time with him only, if we weren't going to end up married. For the next 6 months I dated him with no expectations, while playing the field when we weren't together. In those days (I was only 18.5-19, and it was 1972-73) that meant--for me--having lunch out with other guys I met at work, during our lunch hours.

I never went to the movies or dinner with any of them (that was reserved for my now Husband), or got intimate with them, but I really did get to know them and have lots of fun. In fact, 2 of them ended up telling me they loved me (YIKES!   ), but I kept them at bay because I still loved my now Husband more. I just figured that if I met someone else that I loved more than him, I'd be willing to break up with him if he was still unwilling to commit to our relationship.

After 6 months of that, he knocked me off my feet one night when he proposed out of the blue! I couldn't believe it! In fact, the next day at work, my usual lunch-date guy showed up and I had to confess to him that I was engaged now--he was gobsmacked because he had no idea I even had another boyfriend... .That does make me feel ashamed, but our relationship hadn't gotten very far so I'm sure he got over me pretty quickly    I have to say, once my Husband proposed to me, he was the best fiancé in the whole wide world, and we were engaged for almost a year before we got married. And I'm still happy I married him 

How is your son doing, by the way? I was wondering: did you see him changing from making everyone else responsible for his issues, to taking own responsibility? I hate it when he claims his parents should pay for his ADHD medicin because it's 'their fault' he has it... .come on, you're 29 years old.

Yes, actually. The change in attitude came during his stay at the Dual Diagnosis Center that gave him his BPD diagnosis. Once he figured out where his troubles began and blossomed from, he read all he could about BPD and learned all he could about himself. He was on fire to gather knowledge and figure himself out; it was amazing! The first book he read was "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and lots of others while at the Center. At home he read lots more that we picked up at Barnes & Noble on the 4 hour trip back from the Center. He read "The Buddha and the Borderline" and "Get me Out of Here!", and more. I used to have a list of all the books he recommends to people with BPD; I wish I could find the post I put it in 

Thanks for responding by the way 

Oh, you are very welcome, ziniztar 

[maxsterling]

Moments like this are what keep me going in this r/s.  Quite often, she may go through a spell when she blames me for everything, is angry at me for something beyond my control, screams, curses, and demands.  But when that breaks, she usually comes to me in tears, vulnerable, and then I can share with her things about me, and the moment is quite special and I realize what an amazing person I am with.  It just stinks that she has to go through a period of blame and anger before she remembers the truly special person that is inside her. 

[MaroonLiquid]

Moments like this are what keep me going in this r/s.  Quite often, she may go through a spell when she blames me for everything, is angry at me for something beyond my control, screams, curses, and demands.  But when that breaks, she usually comes to me in tears, vulnerable, and then I can share with her things about me, and the moment is quite special and I realize what an amazing person I am with.  It just stinks that she has to go through a period of blame and anger before she remembers the truly special person that is inside her.  

I hear ya!  One big issue I'm having right now is we barely see each other which is her choice.  Been separated for 3-1/2 months with the first 6 weeks of that saw each other once (kicked my kids and I out of her house), then 2 weeks went by and we started talking and being around each other again for about a week and a half (which was like we were a family again and was awesome), and then another dysregulation (started dealing with the crap she caused and then told her family I had an affair) and now haven't seen each other in almost 5 weeks.  The constant in this is that in the 3-1/2 months of separation, she has never been to my apartment, but instead has made excuses why we needed to be at her place (usually the kids which I always bring up that they are 12-17 and can take care of themselves for a few hours).  I don't mind going to her place, but going forward, that will be a boundary for me.  Both times she agreed to come over, both dysregulations happened the day before.  Hmmm... .It's almost like another thing she can't handle.  Also she doesn't have control at my place.  

[ziniztar]

Rapt Reader, that is such a nice story. Things have changed a lot since the 70's of course but I can place your story in that timeframe, and it makes sense!

I do also think that what we now call abusive relationships, used to be 'bad marriages', or a 'good marriage' on the outside but a living hell on the inside. Marriage is not that sacred anymore, and people are together longer before they decide to get married (at least in my country).

I notice that dBPDbf is very scared about his diagnosis. Yesterday I was watching a dr Phil episode on abusive relationships when he got home. He asked if I could turn it off, or else he would leave the room. Huh? I don't think he can handle it. His biggest issue is his total absence of self-esteem and feelings of utter inferiority. Everyone else is better. If he has a success, he will say it was because someone else helped him - not because he accomplished something. It's what is hindering his therapy now as well, I think... .because he blames himself when things go wrong, but doesn't give himself credit when something is a success. You can never build anything from that state of mind. He's scared to read up about BPD because he can only see the bad that comes from it, and doesn't believe change can happen for the better.

I expect that my behavioral changes will make him feel like some things can actually change in a good way, and even if he won't credit himself for it (I am the one changing things), he must be affected by it. It will be the first time in his life he's able to continue a r/s longer than 1 year. So existing patterns will be broken (for the both of us), that must give some hope for the future, right? Him getting his own business really will be a life changer as he is good in what he does... it will be difficult and full of hurdles, but I do think he's capable of this.

Happy to read you're still happy with hubby