"just when I needed you most"

[Crumbling]

The radio in my head keeps playing that old tune "yoou left me, just when I needed you most" - I dont remember any other lyrics, so it's that phrase over and over in my mind.  I woke up with it playing in my head this morning several hours before daybreak.

It sums up what I'm feeling this morning tho, to a tee.  My grandmother died.  97yrs old.  Beautiful lady.  Very important to me.  We lived with her when I was little.  Lots of water under the bridge on that side of the family.  A big long history that makes being around these relatives very difficult for me, emotionally.  Throw in the fact that I'm the first born grandchild, so I'm 'expected' to participate in the funeral.  Some people on that side of the family would just a soon spit on me than be anything but nice.  I'm not kidding.  This is a hard place and a rock for me.  The funeral is today.

Now throw in the fact that the funeral is being held a couple of hours away from where me and my BPDh live and today is my only day off work this week.  My spouse isn't going to be at the funeral.  He is choosing instead to stay home and do mechanical work on one of our vehicles.  Even though he was off yesterday, too.

The last few days, since we learned of her death, my BPDh has been, I guess the right term is deregulating.  You know, he's off his good behaviour mindfulness or whatever.  Bottom line, he hasn't been there for me.  He has been withdrawn, bitter, angry, spiteful, needy.  Very very needy.  It was pretty bad last night.  Especially when I came home from work and he basically told me to go alone and to go right away.  I felt like I was being kicked out of my own house because he didn't want to face any of my emotions, or to have to comfort or support me in any way.  I told him I would leave when I wanted to leave whether he was coming or not.

I haven't argued with him over it.  I know I cant get blood from a stone.  The only thing I said after he explained all the very important things that he needed to get done at home today I just said I understood.  Those things for him, are more of a priority than being with and supporting his spouse on a very emotional, very significant day in her life.  He accused me of trying to start a fight and the discussion ended.  stalemate.

"yoou left me, just when I needed you most"

I feel so alone.  He has sometimes said he's nothing but the maintenance man around here.  I guess he's right in this case.  It's the only thing he wants to be, or believes he can be, or, I don't know.  I can't think about him this morning.  I have enough of my own crap to have to deal with.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, the last time he stayed home from a family function to do mechanics

he ended up catching the car on fire in the driveway and almost burning down our house.  No lie. I thought for sure this history would have convinced him to come with me at all costs.  I guess not.  He'd rather do the same thing over and over, expecting different results.  Or maybe he wants the same results, who knows?   

Didn't sleep very much last night.  Ended up getting out of bed an hour before my alarm was set.  Too much going on in my head to sleep. 

Even after ten years of marriage and almost an entire year of 'working on' getting better here I am, again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known" - oh good, a new song for my head radio - "like a drifter I was born to walk alone.  But I've made up my mind.  I ain't wastin' no more time, so here I go again."  At least this one isn't about him.  :\

All prayers and good intentions welcome.

thanks for listening,

Crumbly

 

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[Rockylove]

Bottom line, he hasn't been there for me.  He has been withdrawn, bitter, angry, spiteful, needy.  Very very needy.  It was pretty bad last night.  Especially when I came home from work and he basically told me to go alone and to go right away.  I felt like I was being kicked out of my own house because he didn't want to face any of my emotions, or to have to comfort or support me in any way.  I told him I would leave when I wanted to leave whether he was coming or not.

Oh, Crubling... .I know the feeling well.        Of course he didn't want to face any of your emotions~~he doesn't know how to deal with his own, let alone yours and wouldn't have a clue how to comfort you. 

I'm sorry you have to deal with the family issues without the support of your spouse.  It's never easy.  Wishing you comfort in your time of loss.

[Haye]

I'm so sorry for you, Crumbling  . My guess is that we all here now what you mean and feel

Rockylove put it to words, better than I can. I think you handled the situation quite well, calmly understanding your husband even though you were left without support.

[Hope26]

Hello Crumbling,

I too am so sorry for your loss.  Haye said it very well, I think, about how many or most of us on this site understand what you feel, in longing for comfort and support from one not really capable of providing it.  People on this board have provided immense support for me in troubled situations.

[Cat21]

I'm sorry, Crumbling. You are definitely in need of support during this tough time and you're not being treated fairly. We on the site certainly know how it feels! I hope you find the peace and support you deserve here.

[maric]

I am sorry for you too!  

[Crumbling]

I literally let out a great big sigh when I read your responses.  Relief that someone understands.  That I'm not the only one that has been where I am.  That I am not being unreasonable to have hoped he would come with me.  Thank you all so much!

The funeral was very sad for me.  I had intentionally not seen my Grandma while she was sick, because (selfishly) I wanted to remember the robust, vibrant, energetic, lively lady I knew.  The shock of seeing her so shrivelled up and tiny broke me.  The second oldest cousin and I read at the funeral.   He was very strong and kept telling everyone that we needed to be celebrating her and to be happy for the freedom she now has- but, like yin and yang - I bawled my eyes out and wept like a baby over the lost of this women who has kept the family adhered for so many decades.  The contrast was clear to everyone.

I missed my kids like there is no tomorrow while I was there.  They are both away and couldn't come home for it.  But my niece and I connected well.  It was great to see a lot of my cousins.  The ones that I have differences with were respectful and didn't slash my tires or anything.  (Another sigh of relief.) 

I hate being with someone who cant support me, but you guys are really helping me to accept it for what it is, an illness.  As we laid in bed last night, after it was all said and done, I asked him if he could see the coldness in his actions. He said yes, and that he was sorry, yet he still couldn't hold me or let me cry.  And it didn't do anything to bridge the distance that has grown between us over this, but at least it was something.  And it really brought home the fact that a pwBPD really feels they cannot control their behaviours, no matter how cruel or unkind they are being. 

I don't know what I ever did before I could come here, vent my feelings, and have them acknowledged.  Thank you all again for being there for me.       It means SOO much!