Does contact change anything in the mind of BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Since we work together and I have to see her everyday, it is hard not to want to talk to her.

I have not contacted her via text for months now. Everytime we run into each other there is usually a subtle smile and a neutral hello. It was a lot worse before. I can tell however she still doesn't want to talk. Otherwise she would reach out in some form. I don't know if causally talking to her is making things better or worse. It just seems like utter indifference, but to tell the truth I have tried not to pay any attention to her expressions as they would just cause me more pain. I have a feeling that it doesn't matter what I do though. I think she has a lot of shame about what went down between us. I guess there is no way for me to know unless I ask her. Do you think she would be perceiving my contact as me needing something from her, or would it push her even farther away? I don't want to get back together with her, but I would like to address some of the memories or feelings we once shared. I just can't make myself believe that she doesn't miss us even a little bit. I guess I could say deep down I know I should protect myself, but not a day goes by that I don't wonder what is going on in that brain of hers. So any thoughts, it feels like anything is better than NC?

[shellbent]

Since we work together and I have to see her everyday, it is hard not to want to talk to her.

I have not contacted her via text for months now. Everytime we run into each other there is usually a subtle smile and a neutral hello. It was a lot worse before. I can tell however she still doesn't want to talk. Otherwise she would reach out in some form. I don't know if causally talking to her is making things better or worse. It just seems like utter indifference, but to tell the truth I have tried not to pay any attention to her expressions as they would just cause me more pain. I have a feeling that it doesn't matter what I do though. I think she has a lot of shame about what went down between us. I guess there is no way for me to know unless I ask her. Do you think she would be perceiving my contact as me needing something from her, or would it push her even farther away? I don't want to get back together with her, but I would like to address some of the memories or feelings we once shared. I just can't make myself believe that she doesn't miss us even a little bit. I guess I could say deep down I know I should protect myself, but not a day goes by that I don't wonder what is going on in that brain of hers. So any thoughts, it feels like anything is better than NC?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

If you break NC you will confirm in her mind that she still has a hook in you. The subtle smiles are probably giving the game away anyway.

[shellbent]

If you break NC you will confirm in her mind that she still has a hook in you. The subtle smiles are probably giving the game away anyway.

What exactly do you mean, giving the game away anyway? Some part of me thinks she is oblivious to all this and she really doesn't see how her actions or behaviours can affect how people treat her.

So I firmly believe she isn't trying to manipulate me. She just can't deal with things in a healthy way,so she shuts down emotionally. It is like I never even existed.

So you don't think by talking to her without emotion she would actually see that she has no affect on me? Up until now I always showed the kind caring side.

[BrokenFamily]

I'm no expert but I can tell you from personal experience that she isn't oblivious to all this and she really does see how her actions or behaviors can affect how people treat her.

she's just processing it in a different way then you'd expect, it takes time for someone who is emotionally wounded to realize it but deep down they know and it hurts them.

It is like you never even existed, she needs to erase you or paint you as the wrong one to justify her actions and not except responsibility for her problem.

Talking to her with or without emotion will not show she no-longer has an affect on you because she does still have an affect on you! Actions speak louder than words, even if you show no emotion she will know because she will see it in your eyes. I don't know anything about you or the relationship but I know for a fact she still has an affect on you because you are still posting about her : )

I understand this is difficult to wrap your mind around because non of it makes logical sense but for her it's what she needs to do or believes she needs to do at this time. 

My best advise it to be kind, caring, understanding and supportive but in a way you would a friend or family member while keeping your emotional distance.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

If you break NC you will confirm in her mind that she still has a hook in you. The subtle smiles are probably giving the game away anyway.

What exactly do you mean, giving the game away anyway? Some part of me thinks she is oblivious to all this and she really doesn't see how her actions or behaviours can affect how people treat her.

So I firmly believe she isn't trying to manipulate me. She just can't deal with things in a healthy way,so she shuts down emotionally. It is like I never even existed.

So you don't think by talking to her without emotion she would actually see that she has no affect on me? Up until now I always showed the kind caring side.

My exBPDgf told me she loved me one week - left me for another the next week.  She texts or calls me at least once per week.  I responded once.  She pleaded that her kids wanted to see me.  I love her kids dearly so I agreed to meet up - all of us together and if there was any chance for us we would have to begin as friends.  I said there was no way I was going to run back into her arms after she just cheated on me. Straight away she moved the goalposts - I couldn't see the kids and would have to meet up with her alone.  I stuck to the condition and she eventually agreed to it - and requested a date.  I suggested a suitable date and didn't hear from her for two days.  The response when it came was that we couldn't all meet up because I was never a good friend to her when we were together.  She just wanted validation and to triangulate the relationship with her existing supply.  Ignoring her is the way to show you have moved on IMHO.  Playing the game is simply that - devoid of self they need their existing supply in addition to their backup supply for when the existing r/s falls apart.  We are objects in their supply game.

[Deeno02]

I'm about 45 days B/U and 17 days NC. So far so good. Got through both birthdays with no contact. However, she will be coaching my Son in Volleyball. What do I do to avoid contact unless absolutely necessary? I plan on being as distant and aloof as possible towards her. Any thoughts?

[BrokenFamily]

If she realizes your trying to avoid her, have no contact or are being distant it will show her your still care and are hung up on her. This will only validate her and give her the perceived upper hand. I get the whole no contact thing and understand it's best for you to get over her and gives your ex the ability to remember the good times and put things into perspective but if you go out of your way to not contact it will show you still care. My ex and I have a daughter together so no contact is impossible so I've decided to be supportive, caring and kind despite her anger, hostility and hurtful behavior towards me. As result she's no-longer doing spiteful things because she no longer gets a negative reaction out of me.

[Deeno02]

I know it's impossible to keep NC during the season. I just plan on keeping it as professional as possible and minimal contact as much as possible. Of course I plan on not being the same guy either.

[BrokenFamily]

Not being the same guy is very important. It seems many of the people who post on this site are so butt-hurt it makes them anti-BPD and they play the blame game. Regardless of the circumstances a relationship good or bad takes two peoples participation. Blaming only her shortcomings without realizing there may have been things you could have done different or there are changes you need to make as a person will only make you feel like the victim. I know it's difficult because were in the same boat (my ex left me 30 days ago) but the best thing you can do for yourself right now is take care of yourself, love yourself and make every effort to improve yourself. Good things often come from bad experiences in life, make sure this is one of them times. A rainbow is a bridge that divides turbulence & peace. Perhaps an example that every storm has the possibility of coming to an end in beautiful splendor.

[freedom33]

Don't go into the sort of thinking 'I should care little and but not too little, show this but do not show that, pretend I don't care or care or do this or that... .' This beats the purpose which is to take her out of your mind detach and move forward. This thinking  is about how you appear to her - and not in touch with your actual needs. F*ck her. You have been abused and it is time to take care of you. Try to disengage. I do think that NC is the best way forward - and I don't care what she might thing. Truly not caring about how she will perceive your actions is how you will get the best results for yourself in this game i.e. getting out of this mess. You win this game by not playing the game. Working with her is tough though. I know. I used to work wth her too and I resigned... .Good luck bro.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Yes - concentrate on yourself.  They abuse you.  Why would you want to waste any time interacting with someone who abused you?  Like quitting smoking.  Why would you want to waste any time playing with a cigarette when your goal is to be free of them?

[Bak86]

I work with my ex as well. Just try to pay attention to yourself and not her. Screw her, she's the one who abused you. She doesn't give a damn about you. I only say hi to my ex and that's it. Just treat her like a regular co-worker.

[Popcorn71]

My exBPDh lives very close by and I often see him around.  Usually he is with the replacement.

When he first left, he was very keen for us to stay 'friends' and was quite put out when I refused.  I then went NC for a while.  Occasionally I have had to contact him regarding the divorce, etc. and I noticed that if it appears that I want something from him and contact him, he ignores the contact.  However, if he wanted something, he would contact me and obviously expect me to reply.

For a few weeks, whenever I see him passing, I smile and wave and a couple of times recently I have walked past him very close while shopping and on a night out.  Each time, I smiled and pleasantly said hello.  His reaction is hilarious.  He gets very red and flustered and is like a tongue-tied child.  The replacement looks on giving me daggers!  Last time I saw them, he did his best to look like he hadn't noticed me but I could see he had.  I was about a meter away.  It clearly has some effect on him although I am not quite sure what.  I think it may be that the replacement has banned him from speaking to me and he doesn't know what to do in this situation.

[shellbent]

I work with my ex as well. Just try to pay attention to yourself and not her. Screw her, she's the one who abused you. She doesn't give a damn about you. I only say hi to my ex and that's it. Just treat her like a regular co-worker.

It's been so long and I'm so tired of it all. I started to forget even the pain she caused me when she would retreat and refuse to talk to me. But I feel like I have a huge part in this too. The thing is I now remember the silly dance that transpired a few weeks before we split. I felt like I was reliving 1st grade. I'm starting to think that she triggered something in me and my trigger, triggered her. This is all so upsetting. We are deep down the same misunderstood child that was always on its own. Except I stand up for myself, and in the same situation, she runs and hides and blames. Now I'm remembering. But it was never out of ill intent to hurt, she just doesn't know how to handle these emotions. I know I shouldn't be making excuses for her behavior, but I can understand why she did that because I could see that lonely sad little girl behind the mask.

[uncrx]

The day I caught by exBPD gf lying and cheating I told her that I never wanted to see or talk to her again. She left a letter of apology asking for my forgiveness in my mailbox that afternoon to which I did not respond or react. The next day and since then she has been using a friend of mine to attempt to communicate and provoke a response or reaction from me. NC is driving her crazy and she is using whatever means possible to determine if I am still hooked.

I have maintained NC for almost two months and the hurt has finally subsided. It's actually been kind of entertaining now to see her try to work her old magic.

[shellbent]

The day I caught by exBPD gf lying and cheating I told her that I never wanted to see or talk to her again. She left a letter of apology asking for my forgiveness in my mailbox that afternoon to which I did not respond or react. The next day and since then she has been using a friend of mine to attempt to communicate and provoke a response or reaction from me. NC is driving her crazy and she is using whatever means possible to determine if I am still hooked.

I have maintained NC for almost two months and the hurt has finally subsided. It's actually been kind of entertaining now to see her try to work her old magic.

Sorry that you had to go through that. I can understand how that must have made you feel. I don't have any proof of my ex doing any of these things, she was always doing the "respectful" thing. She broke it off with her ex when we met. And she ended it with me after she went to a party. Something could have happened there, but I would rather not think about it. I don't think she was so open to hooking up with someone. In the back of my mind thought i think of it as a possibility and it haunts me. However she made me the evil one, so she stopped talking to me. She was single for a while, but I think that got old pretty quick. So at this point I just wish I could stop thinking about her. But I feel like whatever connected us in the beginning would still be there if she started seeing me for what I really am.

[fred6]

The day I caught by exBPD gf lying and cheating I told her that I never wanted to see or talk to her again. She left a letter of apology asking for my forgiveness in my mailbox that afternoon to which I did not respond or react. The next day and since then she has been using a friend of mine to attempt to communicate and provoke a response or reaction from me. NC is driving her crazy and she is using whatever means possible to determine if I am still hooked.

I have maintained NC for almost two months and the hurt has finally subsided. It's actually been kind of entertaining now to see her try to work her old magic.

I caught mine lying a cheating also. But she broke up with me before I could do it to her, then told me to find a home. I should have done what you did. I acted like a chump and tried to "work things out". I'll tell you what. If I ever catch anyone lying and cheating on me again. Fcuk all that nice guy crap. They gonna really get their feelings hurt badly. Since all of this has happened to me, I feel something inside of me has changed. I was way too nice to this bimbo for what she has put me through. I really hope karma catches up with her a$$... .