DD15 in New RTC - Continuation

[Parents! Get help here!]

As you may recall, my DD is chamelon and takes on the personality of those she is with. She says she is more african american then her friends. Lol. She's been talking to a lot of youth that are in gangs. The bloods I believe it is.  Well one of her friends from the last RTC was just shot and killed over the weekend and DD just found out and called me hysterically crying this morning.

I'm so worried about when she gets out. She thinks she is untouchable and still puts herself in dangerous situations!  They way she was carrying on leads me to believe the person who was killed was probably who she was with when she took off... .I just have this feeling... .

[raytamtay3]

As you may recall, my DD is chamelon and takes on the personality of those she is with. She says she is more african american then her friends. Lol. She's been talking to a lot of youth that are in gangs. The bloods I believe it is.  Well one of her friends from the last RTC was just shot and killed over the weekend and DD just found out and called me hysterically crying this morning.

I'm so worried about when she gets out. She thinks she is untouchable and still puts herself in dangerous situations!  They way she was carrying on leads me to believe the person who was killed was probably who she was with when she took off... .I just have this feeling... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heronbird]

One thing I have learnt is, when a person with BPD says anything, its mostly empty words.

Gosh, its so hard believe me I know, I have to bite my lip. I am a person that if I say something then I will do it, so I expect people to be the same.

I remember dd saying she was going over to Florida with a bf of hers. If I had listened to her, I may have had a breakdown. She never went. It just depends on how they feel.

Your daughter saying that she will never change means nothing. Its best to just hear her out.

They just want to be heard don't they.

[MammaMia]

raytamtay

I agree that driving an hour and a half every weekend only to be abused verbally should stop.  

You might consider keeping the lines of communication open by phone, if she is allowed to make calls.  This would give her access to you, but provides control over whether or not you speak to her.  Make it perfectly clear that if she does not comply with your rules about what is acceptable phone behavior, you will hang up on her or refuse her calls.

This provides an element of protection for you and saves you time, money, and effort that is not appreciated.

[heronbird]

raytamtay

That's so so worrying isn't it. I have had similar experience with my dd.

It is so scary but there isn't much we can do is there. We live like this all the time, loving someone with BPD.

You could be wrong about the person, she may not have been close to the person. This has happened to my dd twice, she was also very distressed. I would have thought she was so close to the person who died, she wasn't. She is just highly sensitive to certain things.

My dd is stable at the moment, she admits she put herself in massive danger many times in the past. Its horrible to think. She also thinks its amazing she is still alive. They mostly make it, I don't know how she has, but she has.

Don't forget, things change, and they change so quickly. One minute we worry about one thing, the next we realise things have settled down.

I read, we are like tennis players, always have to be ready for the ball, we never know where its going to land but we have to be ready with the bat in the right place. I think it was written better than that but I cant remember, but I certainly relate to that.

[rationalmind]

my DD17 seems to also take on undesirable identities--her latest boyfriend is literally a drug dealing thug who is now in jail for possession of drugs and weapons. She doesn't see anything wrong with this lifestyle or with shooting up. So sad.  I wish she would take on some of the more positive roles, but unfortunately I think she deep down inside feels so negative about herself that it has been an upward struggle.

[heronbird]

Hi rationalmind,

My daughter has changed her name about 5 times. Now she has actually changed it legally.

She married her druggie bum and had a baby with him. Thing is, he turned his life around so that he could have the baby. Stopped drugs, kicked dd out and kept her flat on. Now he moved with the baby and lives 4 hour drive away. He hates us for no good reason. We nearly killed ourselves trying to bend over backwards not to upset him for a year. We were being blackmailed really, we worried if we upset him he would move and we would never see our first grandchild again.

Well he did it anyway. So we haven't seen him for 6 months now. We are trying to fight it in court, not for us, we don't have any rights, but we support our dd.

So, when they make big mistakes, we end up picking up the pieces weather we think we wont or not. I used to say I would never get involved, but its not that easy, its not black and white.

My dd told me she only went with him because her self esteem was so low, who else would have her, that's what she says.

Now she is doing DBT and one of the things they are really trying to work on is the self esteem issue, and how to choose good friends. Its a big thing with BPD.

Your dd is only 17, that's so sad isn't it, my dd is now 20 and seems to have matured since 17. So lets hope yours does too.