Traumatic Bonding

[Depression = 72% of members]

At the request of Mutt, this is a thread about traumatic bonding. 

THIS TOPIC MAY TRIGGER, I AM STIRRING UP MYSELF WRITING IT.

In a nutshell (per wikipedia):

"Unhealthy, or traumatic bonding, occurs between people in an abusive relationship. The bond is stronger for people who have grown up in abusive households because it seems to be a normal part of relationships."

Now all of us here likely know about the subtle abuse that occurs in a relationship with a Borderline Personality Disordered person.  Sometimes the abuse is out in the open.  Now whether or not the abuser (pwBPD) is concious of their aggression is not the topic of this thread.  The scope here is to discuss how bonding that occurs under abuse can be so strong.  Another angle to look at is what traits do the victims possess that draw us in to these situations.  Looking at our own part, even as victims, can help with the healing, IMHO.

For me and many others here, the end of a r/s with our pwBPD brought about severe emotional pain.  Personally I think the loss is even worse than a death.  In death it is crystal clear that the loved one is never coming back.  In losing a pwBPD they still physically exist but as told so often, they seem like a stranger.  So not only do we have to cope with the sudden severing of a deeply rooted trauma bond; We also have to deal with seeing our abuser commit a final supreme act of harm by discarding us with supreme apathy.  This is literally the stuff of nightmares. 

  My success in detaching from the pain has been in working through it.  I have to look directly at the horror of my experience and accept that I have been mistreated.  With this I can begin to find my wounds and begin the process of nurturing them back to health.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

At the request of Mutt, this is a thread about traumatic bonding. 

THIS TOPIC MAY TRIGGER, I AM STIRRING UP MYSELF WRITING IT.

In a nutshell (per wikipedia):

"Unhealthy, or traumatic bonding, occurs between people in an abusive relationship. The bond is stronger for people who have grown up in abusive households because it seems to be a normal part of relationships."

Now all of us here likely know about the subtle abuse that occurs in a relationship with a Borderline Personality Disordered person.  Sometimes the abuse is out in the open.  Now whether or not the abuser (pwBPD) is concious of their aggression is not the topic of this thread.  The scope here is to discuss how bonding that occurs under abuse can be so strong.  Another angle to look at is what traits do the victims possess that draw us in to these situations.  Looking at our own part, even as victims, can help with the healing, IMHO.

For me and many others here, the end of a r/s with our pwBPD brought about severe emotional pain.  Personally I think the loss is even worse than a death.  In death it is crystal clear that the loved one is never coming back.  In losing a pwBPD they still physically exist but as told so often, they seem like a stranger.  So not only do we have to cope with the sudden severing of a deeply rooted trauma bond; We also have to deal with seeing our abuser commit a final supreme act of harm by discarding us with supreme apathy.  This is literally the stuff of nightmares. 

  My success in detaching from the pain has been in working through it.  I have to look directly at the horror of my experience and accept that I have been mistreated.  With this I can begin to find my wounds and begin the process of nurturing them back to health.

[bungenstein]

Thanks ReluctantSurvivor, how does one get over a trauma bond? I could not stand to be in the same room as my ex towards the end, so it baffled me that I was hit with so much pain. Its been 10 months and I still feel intense pain, and I don't even like the girl, I hate her personality and I feel completely on edge around her.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Thanks ReluctantSurvivor, how does one get over a trauma bond? I could not stand to be in the same room as my ex towards the end, so it baffled me that I was hit with so much pain. Its been 10 months and I still feel intense pain, and I don't even like the girl, I hate her personality and I feel completely on edge around her.

I am afraid I do not have that answer yet.  For me being around my ex is different.  When I see her my heart pours, I am in love all over again.  It is in the moments after when she is gone that I hurt.

Distance has helped me but it is still a daily struggle.  Building a new life and routine without her helps, it takes time but with repetition the new habits stick.  I have to look back at my r/s and look at all the things that hurt me.  If I even tried to hug my ex-SO she would freeze up and bark at me to leave her alone.  At the low point she would call me a creep for even trying to make eye contact.

  Maybe this is how I heal, remembering all the moments that hurt me to the core.  In these moments I managed to stoically contain my hurt.  Now I have to find those wounds and release that pain.  Since I have my alone time I can take a moment to release my pain whether through tears, screaming (I did this in traffic a few times immediattly after the split), exercise or any other ways I can find to release the energy.

[Deeno02]

You better remember. Remember it all. It sucks, it blows, but we are on here for a reason. Like ive been saying, she gets a new guy, i get freakin therapy. Nice... .

[x1985x]

Therapy is far better than a new guy. You are the victor.

[Pingo]

When I started to research the trauma bond and what it meant and realised that it was an actual addiction I was experiencing, I began to really heal.  I then understood why it had been so hard to end the r/s, why I had put up with so much abuse and why I was hurting so much.  It helped me feel compassion for myself and not be so hard on myself for being such a 'fool'.  It also explains exactly why NC is crucial to detachment and healing.

I read 'The Betrayal Bond' by Patrick Carnes and it was excellent and life changing for me.  I liked it so much I reviewed it twice here by accident

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.0

Trauma bonds are created when there is a power imbalance between the two individuals and there is abuse with intermittent reinforcing of reward (the honeymoon or idealisation phase) and punishment (rages, ST, etc).   I think that many on here have FOO issues where there was possibly a trauma bond with a parent, I certainly did.  I think that sets us up to be vulnerable to experiencing it again.

[going places]

I, am moving.

5 states away that is.

I don't EVER want to 'run into ex by chance or worse, he and his 'trick of the day' come into where I work and I have to serve them'.

Nope.

I am moving.

I'm going to be ok. No, I am going to be better than ok, I am going to be a success.

But I do not need to 'accidently' run into ex and have his abusive ways burst my bubble.

So I am getting as far away as I can.

[Blimblam]

Reluctant.

The truama bond goes deep. Breaks down your barriers and gets into the most hidden inner workingsnof your mind. It's been 8 months but only 20 days or so no contact. But still I have improved dramatically but am still severely wounded. It will take how long it takes and staying with the pain and feeling it fully is the best thing you can do. I know a guy 3 years out of his rs with a pwBPD but he refuses to just embrace his pain fully and own up to his issues and I think he will be stuck like that forever. Just feel it and eventually start working out what was being projected on all sides. What she projected how you identified with that what  it triggered in you and what you projected back. It's hard but eventually it will start to make sense and the layers of pain will be worked through.

It's like as soon as you work through one layer a new layer of crap arises to be Delt with. It's hard and it isn't easy but this is an opportunity to work through all issues in one big drawn out shot. If you don't it will linger under the surface it doesn't just go away.  You can run but you can't hide. So best to just feel it fully as incredibly painfull that it is.

[londonD]

Reluctant.

The truama bond goes deep. Breaks down your barriers and gets into the most hidden inner workingsnof your mind. It's been 8 months but only 20 days or so no contact. But still I have improved dramatically but am still severely wounded. It will take how long it takes and staying with the pain and feeling it fully is the best thing you can do. I know a guy 3 years out of his rs with a pwBPD but he refuses to just embrace his pain fully and own up to his issues and I think he will be stuck like that forever. Just feel it and eventually start working out what was being projected on all sides. What she projected how you identified with that what  it triggered in you and what you projected back. It's hard but eventually it will start to make sense and the layers of pain will be worked through.

It's like as soon as you work through one layer a new layer of crap arises to be Delt with. It's hard and it isn't easy but this is an opportunity to work through all issues in one big drawn out shot. If you don't it will linger under the surface it doesn't just go away.  You can run but you can't hide. So best to just feel it fully as incredibly painfull that it is.

This thread has helped me today. It's so true, the trauma, making up, breaking up etc etc creates so f*cd up bond. You want out but once out you want it!

Then you find out they are sleeping with two men at once. That ends and you have sex with her a few times and you have hope, then that hope is shattered! AGAIN.

The thing is my ex is so selfish in bed, it's all about her, me pleasing her, me being romantic. Then having sex with others you realise how bad she is in bed and how badly selfish she is ALL THE TIME.

Then you realise they will never change. It's their personality, she won't get help, therefore she won't change.

She was pregnant three months into our relationship, I have a three year old son, think yourself lucky you can walk away. I'm stuck with that leach for another 15-20 years!

[nolisan]

Barnes's book is a must read. It helped me in the early days when I felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest.

At over two years NC I can say the trauma bond has dissolved through hard work and time, the great healer.