D13 does not want to go to Mom's this week

[Boss302]

Hi, all, hoping I can get some advice, as this one's a new one on me.

This week is D13's spring break. Per my custody orders she is with me this week, but BPDx wants to hang out with her. Personally, I'm OK with that, but D13 isn't. That's a new problem I've never had to deal with.

Background: BPDx's living arrangements have been EXTREMELY unstable. She currently lives in a hotel, which is embarrassing to D13. Mom also has no car, and depends wholly on other people for rides, so often times they're holed up in the hotel together, which drives D13 nuts. She lives with me primarily, and visits her mom three weekends per month. She has apparently expressed to her mom that this her living arrangements are not acceptable to her, but mom doesn't seem to be able to do much about it.

I'm encouraged that D13 seems to be coming out of the FOG when it comes to her mom, and I've been encouraging her to discuss her issues with her therapist, and have let her know she can come to me and let me know what's happening in their relationship too. She's in the process of figuring out what her boundaries are... .which is good, but makes situations like this difficult.

My concern is what BPDx will do to my daughter after this. We have a D18 who's off at school, and she's the "good child"; D13 is the "bad child.". D13 is afraid of the emotional backlash this will cause. I am too... .not for me (I could care less what she throws at me) but for my daughter. I am tempted to want to tell D13 to spend some time this week with her mom, but that feels to me like a retreat from her boundaries.

Any advice here?

[mywifecrazy]

In my humble opinion I think you should support your daughters decision to uphold her boundaries. I know it's hard I don't want to sound flippant but your X needs to learn that what's best for the kids always comes first. I know it's hard with her having BPD but have you reasoned with her about your daughter not being comfortable hanging out in a hotel?

I feel for you Brother. She'll  probably just twist whatever you say around to her being a victim. Maybe you can just say NO and stick with the custody agreement. Tell her you already had plans. GOOD luck.

MWC... .

[Panda39]

Tell your ex that per the custody agreement this is your week and you intend to exercise your right to spend that time with your daughter.  It will make you the bad guy and take your daughter out of the middle.

Good luck 

[Nope]

I agree with others that you should stick with the court order and help her with the boundary. However, you should follow up with a conversation with your daughter about the fact that this doesn't change anything with regard to the normal time she's scheduled to be with her mom. Allow her to think and talk through how she wants to handle any backlash. At the end of the day she needs to know that this is her relationship with her mother and that's something she will need to learn to navigate.

[Boss302]

Good suggestions, thanks!

Apparently BPDx is behaving with the news... .for now.