What about your enmeshed parent?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Does your enmeshed parent go MIA like this, too?

For years at a time, my uBPDm and I would stop all contact. For me, it always has been a matter of self-preservation: preferring sanity and peace over placating her "need" for emotional security, etc.

Whenever she and I have gone silent, my en-dad would go MIA from my life; so the last time she and I didn't speak for 4 years, I had zero contact with my en-dad for--you guessed it--4 years.

I don't contact my en-dad when not speaking to my mother; I haven't a way of reaching him privately. He hasn't an e-mail address or cell phone, by choice. (Chances are, my mother wouldn't answer the home phone when she and I aren't speaking--wounded victim that she envisions herself to be. Still, the possibility of hearing her voice when I need distance from her is so intolerable that I dare not risk trying to contact my en-dad.)

Jenk

[Jenk]

Does your enmeshed parent go MIA like this, too?

For years at a time, my uBPDm and I would stop all contact. For me, it always has been a matter of self-preservation: preferring sanity and peace over placating her "need" for emotional security, etc.

Whenever she and I have gone silent, my en-dad would go MIA from my life; so the last time she and I didn't speak for 4 years, I had zero contact with my en-dad for--you guessed it--4 years.

I don't contact my en-dad when not speaking to my mother; I haven't a way of reaching him privately. He hasn't an e-mail address or cell phone, by choice. (Chances are, my mother wouldn't answer the home phone when she and I aren't speaking--wounded victim that she envisions herself to be. Still, the possibility of hearing her voice when I need distance from her is so intolerable that I dare not risk trying to contact my en-dad.)

Jenk

[Harri]

Hi Jenk.  My father was pretty much her puppet and followed her lead.  He did not cut me out directly, but the contact was limited and I think it was actually at my mothers direction so she could get info about me.  It hurt but I also know that almost everything I said to my father would get right back to my mother. 

As hurtful as it may be, your father may be so caught up in trying to keep his world with her from falling apart that his own needs outweigh everything else.  It sucks and it hurts.  What I told myself and I actually do believe is that when I was an adult he was doing what he was supposed to do as her husband (standing by her).  Too bad he was unable to do what was needed as a father though.  There is a balance and sometimes there is a clear side to take, but I am not sure a person who is enmeshed is capable of achieving that balance and they certainly are not going to side with the child.

[caughtnreleased]

My dad was the one who kept me in the fold.  When my uBPD mom would go over the top, he would be my "friend"... .he also liked that i stood up to my mom... .I was kind of fullfilling his passive aggressive fantasies.  Ever since I started put down boundaries though, he has clearly chosen his sides (mom).  He is such a push over.  I've also realized he is incapable of having a serious conversation about serious stuff with me... .He can't stand responsibilities (even though up until recently he was supposed to be responsible of my finances... .did that very badly, but won't accept ANY kind of proper discussion about this... .What the heck).  Anyway, I used to idealize my father, because I thought he protected me from the mother... .Now I understand that he was just making sure the "family" unit was working, that he was her messenger.

Now I see him defending my mother and sisters choices... .always minimizing anything that could be seen as not normal (he blames my mother's personality "quirks" on her foreign nationality)... .hmmm. 

While he is a sweet man, he is an enabler, and he's totally passive aggressive, and could not survive in the world without my mother, so I've come to accept him for who he is. He appears incredibly fragile to me actually, which means we can't actually talk about anything real.  I just have to accept them for who they are.  Makes me a bit sad, but their system has worked for THEM (not me) so I let them keep going with it, and probably pursue a policy of low contact.  I have to rebuild my self esteem after spending more than 3 hours with my mother... .latest attack was that my new home is a disgusting dump, and now she raises it everytime... .and I think my father takes pleasure in hearing her say it... .to me it says: "you are too pathetic to go out on your own, you pathetic loser, you can't take care of yourself without us. You need us, anything you do will never be good enough." 

Sorry... .went off on a rant there, but I think this is a great topic, as I've increasingly been looking more closely at my father, and his role in this dysfunctional family. 

Neither my mother nor my father have ever done MIA... .I've done 4 months NC, then another 4 of LC... .my father wrote me long emails every 2 months or so... .

[coldNheartless]

dear jenk,

I am sorry. The feelings of anger, betrayal, frustration, sadness at the enmeshed person are terrible. I can't imagine how it is between parents as mine are divorced, but I can relate a bit. My BPD mother has my Gmom enmeshed. They live together as my mom claims disability (nonsense!) and so they need each other for survival.

My mother reads her emails, and is in the background when I call. After my last breakup with my mom she wouldn't let my gmom answer the phone and kept answering it "we don't take calls from [choose mean word]". I guess she wanted to control the situation so I couldn't turn Gmom against her, that would never happen of course because Gmom loves having my BPDmom to shake up her life and keep her busy.

There was a NC time when I was so angry at Gmom because she just couldn't understand why I wouldn't let my mom abuse me. So I had to tell Gmom that I didn't want anything to do with her.

Eventually after a few years I decided that my Gmom wasn't going to live forever and I would take her as she is. She is an old lady who is spineless and totally helps my mom be a disgusting monster but I like to hear her voice  droning on about gmom stuff, so I do have phone contact. If I ever saw her in person I might have to shake some sense into her.

It's really hard to say goodbye to the BPD persons sidekick, if you can make your peace with her answering the phone ever, it might be worth it to connect. It is chilling to hear the BPD's voice, I totally get that! I read somewhere that BPD's love to have a party of 3 becuase they can work one against the other and make their victims suffer more. The triangle is a very popular tactic I have seen. Its like they hold them hostage or as a reward if you come back.

Have you considered writing a letter addressed to him? Possibly saying that you would like to have some contact [enter your comfort level here]. Could you disguise the letter somehow? It would be a covert mission but maybe he will call you.

Good luck, I am sorry you have to grieve for two parents. I wish you the best in finding a way to contact and have some peace come from it.

[Jenk]

Have you considered writing a letter addressed to him? Possibly saying that you would like to have some contact [enter your comfort level here]. Could you disguise the letter somehow? It would be a covert mission but maybe he will call you.

I am not NC with my uBPDm or en-dad at present. But when I have gone NC with my mother several times, my en-dad always went silent. (I would've continued to contact him if he had his own cell phone or e-mail address, even though I know my mother likely could access any form of "personal" communication.)

I think it's a combo. of my en-dad not having a sick sense of loyalty to my mother and horribly low self-esteem. He doesn't see himself as a person/parent apart from my mother; so if she doesn't have contact with me, he doesn't see contact with me--just dad-to-daughter--as an option. He literally cannot see it as an option. This is just my opinion, but I think I'm fairly close to the target, if not dead on it. 

Jenk

[funfunctional]

Hi Jenk,

My husband is in similar situation so I get it.   The en-dad is afraid of the BPD mom.   If he actually stood up for himself she would most likely have a "nutty".   It is too bad the en-dad didn't just buy some popcorn, pour a drink,  stand up to BPD mom,  and then sit down in a guarded position with perhaps a shield of armour in front of him and just watch the sparks fly.    Okay.  So this IS a fantasy as the cycle will probably keep going until one of them passes.   This is our reality.   Can you relate?

It is unfair that my husband is not allowed to enjoy his relationship with his dad and I am sure you feel the same.   You can't control en-dad's behavior.   He is responsible for allowing this.    You can't fix it.

[Jenk]

My husband is in similar situation so I get it. The en-dad is afraid of the BPD mom. If he actually stood up for himself she would most likely have a "nutty". It is too bad the en-dad didn't just buy some popcorn, pour a drink, stand up to BPD mom, and then sit down in a guarded position with perhaps a shield of armour in front of him and just watch the sparks fly. Okay. So this IS a fantasy as the cycle will probably keep going until one of them passes. This is our reality. Can you relate?

Sadly, I can empathize with your husband's situation.

Still, I had to laugh at the mental image of my en-dad snacking on popcorn and having a stiff drink before donning armor to battle with uBPDm. I doubt that matters would've improved even if he regularly had confronted her in that way; things might've changed if he'd insisted that she get help, or he'd fight her for custody of me. (I don't know if a man would've had much success on that front in the 80's or even the 90's, but my dad is too much of a wuss to have even considered the possibility. *sigh*)

It is unfair that my husband is not allowed to enjoy his relationship with his dad and I am sure you feel the same. You can't control en-dad's behavior. He is responsible for allowing this. You can't fix it.

Unfair is a good word for it. Even though I again am in contact with my en-dad, I always am aware of the fact that nothing likely is truly private/sacred between us. Granted, there are things I could say about my mother--things my en-dad would perceive as negative--that he likely wouldn't dare repeat to her, whether or not he happened to agree with me. Heh... .

Jenk

[funfunctional]

Jenk,

Let us see what the future holds and until then I guess I inserted a sense of humour as it is often my best way to cope with these heart wrenching situations.   

It is really sad but I have said to my husband many times "maybe God will have mercy and give you some time with your dad alone".       

Until then I guess just grab those moments and at least you get to show your love even if the CIA is listening.   Does she have a microphone hooked up to your phone?   WOW - wonder if she has one in the bathroom so she can listen to him if he is anywhere in the house?   

CRAZY!

[Jenk]

Let us see what the future holds and until then I guess I inserted a sense of humour as it is often my best way to cope with these heart wrenching situations. 

Humor may be all that keeps us--and I refer to all of us raised by at least one disordered parent--grounded.

 

... .I have said to my husband many times "maybe God will have mercy and give you some time with your dad alone". 

Continue to remind your husband of this possibility. I think God/the Universe/Etc. is unlimited, so the unexpected certainly could happen. 

   

Until then I guess just grab those moments and at least you get to show your love even if the CIA is listening. :)oes she have a microphone hooked up to your phone? WOW - wonder if she has one in the bathroom so she can listen to him if he is anywhere in the house?   

CRAZY!

What's sad is that people in our situation jest about such things but, then, there's that brief moment when we seriously consider such a nutty possibility as our phone being tapped by a (u)pwBPD. And that is how we know that we don't come from "normal."  But being cognizant of the facts is half the battle, right?  [/quote]

[funfunctional]

Jenk,

Well the reason why we have this paranoia about BPD people doing this is because they are totally capable of it.    My BPD MIL has operated covertly in the background to do many ridiculous things.   She is slanderous & crazy.   We actually do believe she may have used another individual (younger person) to do some "listening in" or "recording".    We do know that she was pumping for info. from my husband (her son) (while he is thinking "this is my trusted mom?"... .LOL... .and THEN passing it along to another person.  Someone that had no business getting a window into our personal lives.   

BPDs THRIVE in divorce situations.   They injure all parties involved by taking raw emotions and playing with them and then adding more drama.   

For us NC had to be done.   Not for everyone.   But I wish you peace and love daily in your life.