Relative trying to get me to break NC O_o

[isilme]

I will try to keep this brief, but may of you know how hard that is in these families.

10 years before I was born, my BPD-biploar mother had a son, and gave him up for adoption.  I'll call him by the name given him at birth - not his real name now, Mike.  I learned of him one day when she was mad and told me all about him and how she wished I'd been the one given away.  He grew up up in another state, far away, having no contact with her until he turned 35/26 and got access to his birth records.  

Meanwhile, Mom married Dad, it was a disaster, as he is manic depressive and also exhibits BPD-ASD signs, and was quite scary.  The two of them, with only me in the house, in the military so no other family was even in the state, isolated from neighbors, not allowed to have friends, only the two of them and me as a child was just, well, crazy.  They finally divorced when I was 15, and Dad enforced NC with Mom on me, partly just to hurt her, and to control me.  He kicked me out when I was 19, telling me I reminded him too much of her (which at this time was the worst insult he could give me, as I'd split them, painting her black, needing desperately for one of them to be the "good" parent, and he was the one who had custody).

At 20, Mom came back into my life, showing up at my college apartment uninvited, unannounced, and I decided to give a relationship with ehra  go - needing to have SOME family, and hoping now that I knew Dad didn't want me, that she would be better than I'd thought for 5 years.  

As time progressed, and I didn't slip all the way into my "child role" with her, having had some freedom from the both of them and a little time to start developing in to ME, problems arose.  She started putting my name on bad debts, getting arrested for shoplifting, evicted, fired from her job, etc.  The world was against her and it wasn't her fault, I was a bad child for not going off to take care of her, leaving my BF, my life, college, my job.  I was still very malleable at this time, torn between being the adult me I'd tried to become, and the child-me who had been her caretaker, and she'd tried to make into her clone.

During this time, Mike had opened his records and found me, now I was 26.  I was still struggling with accepting that Mom was not a healthy woman emotionally, and didn't want to just drop that bomb on him until it seemed necessary.  Mike eventually figured out she has issues, but not having grown up with the enmeshment and the "training" can far more easily keep a distance from it.

Eventually tings got so bad I instituted NC without even knowing that was what I was doing - I just couldn't take her drama anymore, the pain of feelings responsible for it, and started ignoring calls till they stopped.  She moved back to her home state.  After a few years, I got a call, and felt I was in a better, stronger place and I could try again.  This was fine for a little while, and then the bad debt calls started again, the criticism for not dropping my life, my relationship, job and moving up to take care of her.  I finally went NC on purpose, having been on this site a lot, and reading a lot, realizing that she just cant stop, and I just can't live with that.  Talking to her seems to be, in her mind, giving her permission to use my name, phone number, and worse, my fiancee's mother's name and phone number, to secure debt Mom won't pay back, and will skip out on.  I regularly check my credit report, and haven't had to contest anything, I think these are mostly local payday loans for her, or cell phones which don't seem to make it that far, but when I go NC, those calls stop.  We have different last names (Mom went back to her maiden name), and FI's mother is in yet another town under yet another name, so I know if they are calling her for my mom, my mom is the source of the calls.

NC was last started about 3 years back.  I hate it especially at her birthday and the holidays, but don't know what else to do.  I've been NC with Dad since I was 19, so that's going on almost 17 years, and I am fine with that, because I guess he was very much the overt aggressor.  Mom is the manipulator.  So it hurts to have to tell her no.

Mike and I have stayed in contact with intermittent phone calls, cards and Facebook now and then, and he is really happy to have a sister, but I have trouble feeling that close of an attachment.  He's like a pen pal to me, and I am touched he wants to feel like family, but I guess I have too much of a guard.  

I called Mike for his birthday this weekend, and he started after a while asking if I'd spoken to Mom.  I told him, "No," and he started pushing me to try to include her on Facebook (I'd blocked both parents), saying her knew we "didn't get along," but that she's my mama and I should talk to her sometimes.  I tried to explain it's not "we don't get along," but that I grew up being her clone, her clave, and it's very hard to talk to her and hear the garbage she throws at me, and that talking to her always leads to mild ID theft.  I am wondering if it's worth it to try allowing her Facebook access to conversation, even though I feel safest not doing so.

Am I just being mean?  Am I wrong for feeling upset he's trying to push me into to talking to her?  I told him to read up on this stuff to understand, but without experiencing it, I think it's really really hard for people to understand.  He tried to equate it to his parents living on the same land he does, so his mom likes to make suggestions to him/  I think all moms to some extent try to exert control over grown children, but BPD moms have a degree that non-BPD moms rarely reach.  

I guess I just want a sounding board.  Both parents trigger me into fight or flight anxiety, even though I know they can do little to me at this point.  But all that fear, all the memories still coming back, all the pain and new realizations that they were simply terrible at raising a young human.

[Harri]

Hi isilme.  I do not think you are being mean to keep your mother out of your life.  You have a right to peace and a life without her toxic influence.  It sounds like when you do let her in a little bit, she does her best to keep pushing and on top of that puts you in a vulnerable position.  You very much need to take care of you and protect yourself.

As for your brother Mike.  Well, people who are not in these types of families just do not get it.    Even those who are but are still enmeshed don't get it.  So many people subscribe to the 'she's your mother' belief and I find it infuriating and invalidating.  It is almost like you choosing to protect yourself from an abusive person somehow threatens their own perceptions of what family and specifically 'Mother' means.  Maybe that is at play with his almost insistence for you to establish contact with your mother?  Perhaps he is doing a bit of projecting here?  It does not really matter why he is doing so, but sometimes thinking about potential causes makes it easier to decide how to respond to such statements.

I guess I just want a sounding board.  Both parents trigger me into fight or flight anxiety, even though I know they can do little to me at this point.  But all that fear, all the memories still coming back, all the pain and new realizations that they were simply terrible at raising a young human.

Keep posting.  We can listen and possibly help you sort this through. 

[isilme]

Harri,

Thanks.  I guess it really was just very invalidating, his comments.  I needed to come here where people won't just dismiss me, like I'm only upset about not getting a pony at 13 or something, not that I dragged myself out of a Stockholm's nightmare for 19 years, slowly and painfully to be the best adult I can be. 

Thanks.  I'll keep posting.  For now I've settled for a passive test - I unblocked Mom, but told no one.  I"ll see how that goes for a few months, and take it from there.  I'm giving her a small chance to succeed, but a very limited window of access if she fails.

[clljhns]

Hi isilme,

I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced life with a BPD can really understand our position of NC. For many people, they have disagreements with their family members, resolve it, and move on. This is a very different situation when you are trying to untangle yourself and your life from a BPD parent. I can really relate to your fight or flight reaction to your parents. I still have the same reaction, just when I think about my parents or siblings. They frighten me to my core.

I think it was reasonable that you asked your brother to read the literature first before he continued to encourage you to contact your mom. I wonder if he has a solid and healthy relationship with his adoptive parents? If he does, he may have trouble understanding what you are saying.

Do what you know is right for you. Wishing you the best!

Peace and blessings. 

[isilme]

Thank you.  I rethought my change in blocking her online,mans realized I was trying to please "Mike" and sacrificing my feelings.  I reinstated the block, and feel better about not anticipating a shoe dropping.  I just have to accept ppl can't understand what surviving a house like that means, and it's more than the simple well meaning interference shown in sitcoms.

[funfunctional]

No,

You are not being mean at all.    I will share a mistake in my judgement that I made.  When I first met my sister-in-law I couldn't believe that she had been no contact with my MIL for over 2 years.    I guilted her a bit by pointing out that my mother had passed away and you only get one mom... .blah blah.   I wish she has stuck a cotton ball in my mouth or said to me "but she is destructive Patty".   Instead she started connecting with her mom again.   

Shortly thereafter I became the target of MIL.   She was so awful to me as I was entering my husband's life and had moved in with him as we were blending our families.     MIL targeted me and also decided to make friends with my husband's x wife whom she HATED prior to my moving in.   She did so many terrible things to me that WE ARE NO CONTACT now with her.  Have been for over 3 years.

These people make life a living hell.   I totally feel your pain of missing birthdays and holiday but I really think Mike needs to understand and respect your decision.  You have decided to love your mom "from a distance".  Send your mom love & just do what YOU need to do each day to live, be happpy and enjoy your life.   You were given a tough ride in your early years and clearly had no choice but now you DO have the choice.

THESE PEOPLE only get the message if they are NOT allowed to maniupulate.     MOM is maniuplating and shame on her.  BUt that is BPD.

Good luck!   

[Swiggle]

I know how hard it is when you are doing something to try and protect yourself and outsiders just don't understand.

For me relationships are a two way street. At some point if a person isn't getting what they need from a RS what is the point of being in it, I also don't believe that you should stay and subject yourself just because someone is family. You've tried several times to let your mom back in and she has proven that she cannot change so I owuldn't beat yourself up with guilt for going NC.

My mom remarried my step dad when I was 2, he was the only father I ever knew. I have 3 siblings, 2 siters and 1 brother all oder. When I was about 10 I started to feel very uncomfortable around my step dad. Prior to this I had also been molested by my sister several times. When I was a freshman my dad made a move on me. I immediately told my sister (she was 6 yrs older than me) who then in turn told our older sister (she is almost 12 yrs older than me). Come to find out my step father had done things to them, we decided to tell me my mom and for the next serveral months life was crazy with interviews with child services and not being able to live at home and lots of other BS.

Finally after the investigation I was told along with my sisters, that child services told my mom that oldest sister was mad and making things up, that my other sister couldn't be trusted because she used to smoke pot and that I was to young and the others were telling me to make it up. So I moved back in with mom and step dad, other siblings had already moved out prior to all of this. I spent the next few years not understanding how my mom could be with this man when her own daugthers were telling her these things. At one point she told me that what happend brought her and step dad closer together   She said that she believed me but also beleived him, well you can't have it both ways. If you believe even one tiny shred of what your daughters said, how could you want to be with that man? 

I moved out when I met my now exh. I couldn't deal with her any longer, she isn't BPD but she had major issues and I felt that she abandoned me when I needed her most. I haven't had a relationship with her since I was 19, i'm 37 now. People often say "how could not talk to your mom" my response is someting along the lines of "let your mom choose to be with a man who is a monster for abusing her children and not believe it and then come talk to me". That usally shuts them up.

People just don't get it, the nice thing is they don't have to. The only person that needs to be ok with it is us. We are in charge of us and keeping us safe and protected. You're not being mean and I know how hard it can be. Do what feels right for you and try not to worry what others think.

my mom died years ago and I grieved the loss and not really ever having a mom. We have mutual friends on facebook and she still has a realtionship with the sister who molested me and my brother. My oldest sister and I don't talk to any of them, only each other. It isn't as hard anymore, sometimes I get pissed that she wasn't there for me, but it made me stronger and I got through it.

[funfunctional]

Hi Mtrip22,

Your mom allowed an injustice to happen to you and your siblings.   A mom's job FIRST is to protect it's young.  In the animal kingdom a lion would have ripped apart another male lion that tried to hurt its young.

What your mom did was spineless. She must have been a very weak person.    How any woman could trade her kids in for a man?  I am not getting it... .so yeah... .she wasn't a well person.

You can only go forward now.  We can forgive people but not forget but I do believe people have to deal with their mistakes in the after-life (if you believe in one).   

As far as other people getting it.   Screw them.   They will never get the horror of what your mom did to you and your sisters.  For what?   But YOU are in the driver's seat of your life now and what happens to the people around you.    I bet you would be a terrific advocate for kids.   So sorry for your pain of having your body disrespected and the emotional abuse from your mom of denying what happened to you.    You can heal from this    So sorry.     

[Swiggle]

Hi Mtrip22,

Your mom allowed an injustice to happen to you and your siblings.   A mom's job FIRST is to protect it's young.  In the animal kingdom a lion would have ripped apart another male lion that tried to hurt its young.

What your mom did was spineless. She must have been a very weak person.    How any woman could trade her kids in for a man?  I am not getting it... .so yeah... .she wasn't a well person.

You can only go forward now.  We can forgive people but not forget but I do believe people have to deal with their mistakes in the after-life (if you believe in one).   

As far as other people getting it.   Screw them.   They will never get the horror of what your mom did to you and your sisters.  For what?   But YOU are in the driver's seat of your life now and what happens to the people around you.    I bet you would be a terrific advocate for kids.   So sorry for your pain of having your body disrespected and the emotional abuse from your mom of denying what happened to you.    You can heal from this    So sorry.     

Thank you for the kidn words, I made it out of a childhood of dysfunction pretty well. There were bumps and I made some poor choices along the way but I vowed to never ever be the kind of mother my mom was. Sometimes I surprise myself that I didn't end up with major issues. I'm going to start another post because I don't want to take away for the original poster here. I've been thinking lately that I want to look more into my past.