Not inviting BPD animal rights mom to my wedding. BPD's and obsession

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone, Its been a while since I posted, but my thoughts have been on my BPDmom for the past few days, and even though I am NC, it's taking up my time. So I am back!

Background: My mom has  been diagnosed BPD for 30yrs, treatment resistant, and daughter of PSYCHOTIC Extremely Abusive BPD father (nicknamed "captain rattlesnake" in our family). My mom and dad were very young when they had me and never even tried to keep up the marriage, were married and divorced the same year I was born. I grew up primarily with my smothering mom who guilted me and loved me to pieces, I was a very loyal kid.

My mom had a multitude of boyfriends while I was growing up and was off and on an IV drug user, then got clean. She plagued herself with obsession, often the topics were me, boyfriends drug but as she has aged and had a mental breakdown her obsession has moved into the animal rights territory. She is over the top, has managed to get disability so she can live with my Gmom and devote all her time, energy, and money (she is constantly broke) to "saving animals" (or stealing animals, she does many illegal things on their behalf). She will run out onto a busy highway to save a mouse or climb onto a gunshop roof to steal a security dog. She puts herself in incredibly risky situations and has been mauled more than twice. Sometimes she isn't even saving them, once while we were on family vacation she stole a dog that was tethered in someones yard because she wanted it/ she felt sorry for it being tethered.

My Gmom is an enabler who praises her every move. Its really gross because I used to be close to be Gmom but now I just think she is spineless and thoughtless. My BPDmom is a crazy maker and will get you to spill your guts and wear your heart on your sleeve and then turn around and use your personal info against you. She has said terrible things but she has also been there for me. I have very mixed feelings. She is the first to come running when you are in need, give when she has nothing (even though it is irresponsible) etc. She has made me very polarized because I have seen an inner part of her that cares and loves me very much. Its really hard to deal with the Jekyl and Hyde.

So Nc was pretty sad, but peacefull, I missed my mom and worried she might get seriously hurt or die and I would never be able to rekindle, yet I stayed Nc for years. I mourned for the loss and understood why it had to be that way but still I just didn't like it.

On my birthday last year she called me and it was great. I caught her up on my life, she played very normal and we began talking again on the phone (we live on the opposite sides of texas, like far away), I was careful but things went ok for 7 months. I felt happy, it was smooth.

I got engaged to the love of my life and have enjoyed a beautiful and steady and calm relationship for 6 years. When I told her about the engagement, she seemed happy even though she despises my guy because he used to work on a beef ranch and she is an animal rights nut. She finished her congratulation with "I hate weddings".

Well somehow it got around at my great grandmom's funeral luncheon a few weeks ago, that my cousin and I were going to go hunting together one day when I visited home again. My mom had a fit and nearly tossed the luncheon table. She slammed her fists down and screamed at my cousin that she was done with his whole family and left right in the middle of the funeral luncheon.

Then my hulked out mom calls me and gives me the furious phone call which I was totally unprepared for... .

" I just heard some very disturbing news. I am going to ask you a question and you had better think long and hard about your answer; do you like to hunt?"... .of course I didn't get a moment to say much before she started again ... ."do you like to chase down beautiful animals and murder them? is that fun for you? Who are you? Your not the little girl I used to know, that I raised. You just go along with anything your boyfriend does. Your disgusting, you don't deserve a mother, you're a murderer and I''l never speak to you as long as I live"... .(not too long ago she said "i liked you better when you were with [exboyfriend]" (he was a vegan but he cheated on me and gave me an everlasting disease and I was so bummed while the relationship was on that I spent the last half using drugs to blur the feelings. Isn't that a nice thing to say?

I have to laugh because I actually never even got to answer her, I just listened to her freak and  then said. Mom this is really ridiculous, do you want to throw away our relationship because I do something you don't like? Kids do things that parents don't like. It part of life.

She demanded some ultimatum that If I promised to give up hunting forever I could have her back. In the past there have been many ultimatums, so this is just one of those, do as I wish and i will give you the love you want.

That was few weeks ago, we haven't talked and I don't expect to.

Well, so here we are, I picked a wedding date with my sweetheart for 7 months from now, and I called my enabler Gmom and talk her the news and she says 'oh your mother will be so pleased". (Why do enablers exist? How can you live with yourself, it's the least satisfying thing to do.) I asked her not to tell my BPDmom and that I was feeling mixed feelings so I would address that separately with mom when I figured out what I was going to do. I always get betrayed by my Gmom, she just refuses to acknowledge that BPD is a real thing. She doesnt't care how cruel my mom is with me, she says "you know I don't want to be involved".

I want to have a nice wedding and to have my mom there. Sometimes she can behave, especially in front of a bunch of people, she wants them to think she is an angel. I have already purchased a dress and the lack of my gmoms and mom's presence was sad. I ended up crying in the dressing room. Our wedding will be the only time when the family we love will be here to see our new life, my horses and the house we just bought. I feel the wedding will set the precedent for our new life, I would like to start off with a strong boundary that this abuse will not be tolerated and she will never be a part of our or her future grand childrens' lives if she behaves this way.

The more I look at it, the less likely I am inclined to invite her, and she certainly isn't coming without making a heartfelt apology to me for berating, insulting and disrespecting me and the man I love. She knows that I have zero tolerance for screaming and name calling and any crazy making of the sort.

Should I write her a letter or thank the heavens that I can just avoid it completely with out sending her an invitation. She lives with my Gmom, so she would be sitting on her butt with her dogs alone if she doesn't go.

Sorry that was long.

[coldNheartless]

Hi everyone, Its been a while since I posted, but my thoughts have been on my BPDmom for the past few days, and even though I am NC, it's taking up my time. So I am back!

Background: My mom has  been diagnosed BPD for 30yrs, treatment resistant, and daughter of PSYCHOTIC Extremely Abusive BPD father (nicknamed "captain rattlesnake" in our family). My mom and dad were very young when they had me and never even tried to keep up the marriage, were married and divorced the same year I was born. I grew up primarily with my smothering mom who guilted me and loved me to pieces, I was a very loyal kid.

My mom had a multitude of boyfriends while I was growing up and was off and on an IV drug user, then got clean. She plagued herself with obsession, often the topics were me, boyfriends drug but as she has aged and had a mental breakdown her obsession has moved into the animal rights territory. She is over the top, has managed to get disability so she can live with my Gmom and devote all her time, energy, and money (she is constantly broke) to "saving animals" (or stealing animals, she does many illegal things on their behalf). She will run out onto a busy highway to save a mouse or climb onto a gunshop roof to steal a security dog. She puts herself in incredibly risky situations and has been mauled more than twice. Sometimes she isn't even saving them, once while we were on family vacation she stole a dog that was tethered in someones yard because she wanted it/ she felt sorry for it being tethered.

My Gmom is an enabler who praises her every move. Its really gross because I used to be close to be Gmom but now I just think she is spineless and thoughtless. My BPDmom is a crazy maker and will get you to spill your guts and wear your heart on your sleeve and then turn around and use your personal info against you. She has said terrible things but she has also been there for me. I have very mixed feelings. She is the first to come running when you are in need, give when she has nothing (even though it is irresponsible) etc. She has made me very polarized because I have seen an inner part of her that cares and loves me very much. Its really hard to deal with the Jekyl and Hyde.

So Nc was pretty sad, but peacefull, I missed my mom and worried she might get seriously hurt or die and I would never be able to rekindle, yet I stayed Nc for years. I mourned for the loss and understood why it had to be that way but still I just didn't like it.

On my birthday last year she called me and it was great. I caught her up on my life, she played very normal and we began talking again on the phone (we live on the opposite sides of texas, like far away), I was careful but things went ok for 7 months. I felt happy, it was smooth.

I got engaged to the love of my life and have enjoyed a beautiful and steady and calm relationship for 6 years. When I told her about the engagement, she seemed happy even though she despises my guy because he used to work on a beef ranch and she is an animal rights nut. She finished her congratulation with "I hate weddings".

Well somehow it got around at my great grandmom's funeral luncheon a few weeks ago, that my cousin and I were going to go hunting together one day when I visited home again. My mom had a fit and nearly tossed the luncheon table. She slammed her fists down and screamed at my cousin that she was done with his whole family and left right in the middle of the funeral luncheon.

Then my hulked out mom calls me and gives me the furious phone call which I was totally unprepared for... .

" I just heard some very disturbing news. I am going to ask you a question and you had better think long and hard about your answer; do you like to hunt?"... .of course I didn't get a moment to say much before she started again ... ."do you like to chase down beautiful animals and murder them? is that fun for you? Who are you? Your not the little girl I used to know, that I raised. You just go along with anything your boyfriend does. Your disgusting, you don't deserve a mother, you're a murderer and I''l never speak to you as long as I live"... .(not too long ago she said "i liked you better when you were with [exboyfriend]" (he was a vegan but he cheated on me and gave me an everlasting disease and I was so bummed while the relationship was on that I spent the last half using drugs to blur the feelings. Isn't that a nice thing to say?

I have to laugh because I actually never even got to answer her, I just listened to her freak and  then said. Mom this is really ridiculous, do you want to throw away our relationship because I do something you don't like? Kids do things that parents don't like. It part of life.

She demanded some ultimatum that If I promised to give up hunting forever I could have her back. In the past there have been many ultimatums, so this is just one of those, do as I wish and i will give you the love you want.

That was few weeks ago, we haven't talked and I don't expect to.

Well, so here we are, I picked a wedding date with my sweetheart for 7 months from now, and I called my enabler Gmom and talk her the news and she says 'oh your mother will be so pleased". (Why do enablers exist? How can you live with yourself, it's the least satisfying thing to do.) I asked her not to tell my BPDmom and that I was feeling mixed feelings so I would address that separately with mom when I figured out what I was going to do. I always get betrayed by my Gmom, she just refuses to acknowledge that BPD is a real thing. She doesnt't care how cruel my mom is with me, she says "you know I don't want to be involved".

I want to have a nice wedding and to have my mom there. Sometimes she can behave, especially in front of a bunch of people, she wants them to think she is an angel. I have already purchased a dress and the lack of my gmoms and mom's presence was sad. I ended up crying in the dressing room. Our wedding will be the only time when the family we love will be here to see our new life, my horses and the house we just bought. I feel the wedding will set the precedent for our new life, I would like to start off with a strong boundary that this abuse will not be tolerated and she will never be a part of our or her future grand childrens' lives if she behaves this way.

The more I look at it, the less likely I am inclined to invite her, and she certainly isn't coming without making a heartfelt apology to me for berating, insulting and disrespecting me and the man I love. She knows that I have zero tolerance for screaming and name calling and any crazy making of the sort.

Should I write her a letter or thank the heavens that I can just avoid it completely with out sending her an invitation. She lives with my Gmom, so she would be sitting on her butt with her dogs alone if she doesn't go.

Sorry that was long.

[Harri]

Hi CnH.  Congrats on your engagement and picking a wedding date!  

The more I look at it, the less likely I am inclined to invite her, and she certainly isn't coming without making a heartfelt apology to me for berating, insulting and disrespecting me and the man I love. She knows that I have zero tolerance for screaming and name calling and any crazy making of the sort.

What are the chances she will make that heartfelt apology?  And, if she does apologize, how will you know it is truly heartfelt?  

I asked her not to tell my BPDmom and that I was feeling mixed feelings so I would address that separately with mom when I figured out what I was going to do. I always get betrayed by my Gmom, she just refuses to acknowledge that BPD is a real thing. She doesnt't care how cruel my mom is with me, she says "you know I don't want to be involved".

Yeah, she sounds like an enabler who is caught up in denial.  History has proven that you can not depend upon your Gmom to back you up on this, so remember that.  What are the chances she will not mention your wedding date to your mother?  I am not sure she can be depended upon to leave it to you to decide on what and when to tell her, though you know her better than I do.  I would just hate to see you feel disappointed or betrayed if she should open her mouth about it.  If she does say something, try to keep it under the umbrella of "she is who she is".

BTW, I hate people who pull the "I don't want to be involved" crap especially when they are very close to a situation where one person is clearly abusive.  I am sorry you have not been able to depend upon her for validation and support.  

I want to have a nice wedding and to have my mom there. Sometimes she can behave, especially in front of a bunch of people, she wants them to think she is an angel. I have already purchased a dress and the lack of my gmoms and mom's presence was sad. I ended up crying in the dressing room. Our wedding will be the only time when the family we love will be here to see our new life, my horses and the house we just bought. I feel the wedding will set the precedent for our new life, I would like to start off with a strong boundary that this abuse will not be tolerated and she will never be a part of our or her future grand childrens' lives if she behaves this way.

Have you thought of what you can say to make it clear to your mother that she must behave and treat your husband with respect or she will be out of your lives?  There is another thread going on right now that talks about having security at your wedding in case your mom decides to flip out.  Is that a possibility?  

I am not sure if you should write her a letter or leave it be.  The thing is, you can't control her behavior.  All you can do is control what you say and do.  If you choose to leave it be without saying anything directly to your mom, will you be okay with that?  (BTW, I have always been reluctant to put things in writing as it can be passed around and brought up for all eternity as proof of how horrible, mean, etc, we are   )

CnH, I do not have answers for you though I wish I did.  You have time to think this through though and work out various options.  We can help you here.

PS.  how do you think she will handle the usual chicken vs. steak meal options?   

[coldNheartless]

Thanks Harri,

Thanks for your response, I know my diatribe got long there!

Chances of heartfelt apology - possibly 20%? .

Yeah, Gmom may spill the beans, but I doubt BPDm will travel from orlando to phoenix when she is unwelcome, afterall she would have to board all 11 of the dogs, it gets too pricey and she is broke. They live together so mom will find out eventually, either way she will know and be at home while I am having fun.

Yes I am on the other thread- security would be available as we are using a state park, the rangers could haul her off.  

I am on the fence with the letter but you make a very good point, they do hang on to evidence... .whereas the spoken word is totally in one ear and out the other. Letters take so long to write to a BPD, so much echo-chamber thought has to go into it!

[goingtostopthis]

Coldnheartless,


                   In many ways your situation with your mother is very similar to mine. She collects dogs.  One in which she took from our neighbors front porch because they had it tied up out there, it was whinning so there for they were abusing it.  They put up a tall fence in the back yard so the neighbors wouldnt know they (her and my sister) took their dog. Any dog they see running along side the road they pick up. They have 6 of them at their house, Im afraid it might be 7, I havent really counted.   Then they have 3 more over here where I live, my Aunts house who is sick and very old now.  24 cats my Aunts kept in the house she wouldnt let them out side and they wouldnt let them out side,  not until I showed up one Christmas and pulled the cat door out and hid it.    My sister absolutely freaked!  Those cats werent going any where, not as long as they knew were their dinner was coming from. I proved then wrong. My Aunt also collected unwanted horses. Three of which are still here, but thats ok with me because Im a horse person.  I like cats too,  but there comes a time when enough is enough.  They are both now couxing in two more stray cats that came out of the woods.  It makes me wonder if this is ever going to stop.  They take good care of them, get them all fixed but the amount of money they have spent in Vet bills and food is an amount I dont want to know of.  Its ridiculous.  I cant even go over there to there place any more with out being run over by untrained, spoiled obnoxious dogs.

                                     To me Im starting to see it as a needy thing. These dogs are some kind of replacement for all their unmet needs.,kind of like an excuse for not having other healthy relationships with people.  If I try to have a serious talk with my mother she makes sure she invites one of her dogs up in her lap and talks and goopes all over it right in the middle of me trying to say something important to her.  Its like shes terrorfied to give me her full attention so she uses the dog as a kind of distractive shield.   It really rude and kind of insulting.

Like your mother it sounds like her animal  fixation is a replacement for all her lost boyfriends and the drugs she no longer uses.  Now she uses the dogs. I can relate to what youre going through. Im sorry about your wedding being with out her.  She did it, it sounds like her addiction is her addiction to being self rightous to the saving of animals when it sounds like projection,   her way of simulating the saving she needs in life. She does it through the dogs once again but never heals because her attention is in the wrong place,  away from her true self it sounds like she cant face.

                                         

[ropend]

I have a sibling who would be an animal hoarder if she could ever manage to retain enough money to take care of herself.

For now she simply find passive aggressive ways to hate on anyone who eats meat.

[coldNheartless]

Dear goingtostopthis,

wow, thank you for sharing. Our mothers are a pretty small niche, I am sorry that you feel what I feel too, because I know how frustrating it is. On the other hand, its sort of a relief that someone else totally understands.

My mom (and BiPolar Dad) also does the dog in the lap conversation thing. BPDm actually will interrupt whatever you are saying with "look, isn't he soo cute, look, he wants you to tell him he is cute". When a was in my young 20's I actually got heavy into dog training as a way of control my life a little, Caesar Milan's book "Caesars Way" taught me more about people than years of T ... .dogs and pets are a mirror of their owner. My mom was in fits when I would discipline her dogs, especially the favorites. She laments that I wont pet or look at them unless they are being good, its my little revenge. mwhahahah... .she called the book garbage.

Does your mom think you are evil animal hating "not the person she raised" if you don't goop all over the animals in her presence?

Its all very funny, for as animal goopy as she is now, she had a horrible temper when I was a kid and she would beat the crap out of our stray dogs who went poop in the house... .it was very selective which dogs would ever received that kind of treatment from her (oh, he can't take it, but fluffy would just die). ... .I think I am just beginning to reveal the significance and meanings of these behaviors as I type this now.

So many layers that have been buried are now open for exploration.

I always thought the way she she was with dogs reflected the way she was with her inner child, se would rage and then lick its wounds (somehow becoming her/its own hero/rescuer), she would coddle it but then scorn it away. This was all things that that she did to me and her father did to her, I always believed that her only vision of love was this behavior, so she wanted me to do that to her.

Very interesting stuff. Does some of this go on in your BPDmom?

[coldNheartless]

Also as a side note behavior, my mother loves to whip up the dogs into a barking packing, jumping all over and barking and snapping at each other like sharks, she like a parrot, she loves the chaos. Just when their all about to explode and start brawling, she will separate them, I always thought this was so bazaar.

[goingtostopthis]

Also as a side note behavior, my mother loves to whip up the dogs into a barking packing, jumping all over and barking and snapping at each other like sharks, she like a parrot, she loves the chaos. Just when their all about to explode and start brawling, she will separate them, I always thought this was so bazaar.

           YES!  What is it?  This is exactly what she does.   When she knows Im coming over, instead of putting them behind the dog gate they are let loose.   Just recently Im sure, due to my reaction to this she has started to kind of put them away,  except 2 or 3,   but  then as soon as I am in the house she lets them all out again.

                I asked her about a week ago if she could please... .leave them in the other room so we could talk out side on the front porch, because I needed the peace and its hard to hear each other when they start their barking tiraids.

They all ways do. Shes ok,   it was so nice to be able to just sit in the peaceful quiet and hear the birds and her!and my self!   It wasnt but 3 to 4 minutes later she "had" to get up and go let them all out, and  Im like, I thought we agreed that we could sit out here with out them for once?   She couldnt stand it!  She HAD... .to let them out.  I went on to her about, what about consideration for ME! ?  Dont you care about my feelings?   she's like, oh ya I do,  but I have to let them out,  youll get used to it,  thats why Im doing this,  look at him,  isnt he so cute? bark bark bark... .

         Instinctually my anger started  rumbling inside and it wanted to surge out. I wanted to tell her to go F** herself and walk out.   My brother did this once during Christmas.  I was lost somewhere esle at the time so I really did see the whole picture of what happened.  Now I do.  She had been asked several times by my brother to put the dogs behind the fence in this other room. His wife and kids where there and we were all dressed up and were having our pictures taken in the back yard on a porch swing thing.  Well, my mother ignored him and once again HAD... .to let the dogs out and here they all come like a Dog food commercial. They started jumping all over all of us and wouldnt quit demanding all the attention on them as usual, disrupting everything.  One jumped on my brother thiegh a dirtied his clean and pressed pant leg, this was right before they were leaving for the airport.

                                    HE FREAKED!  Went almost psychotic with anger,  right in front of his kids, all of us! 

He told my mother that he was NEVER coming here again and that his kids were never going to be allowed to visit again.

This almost killed my mother because she loves his grand kids, naturally,  but what can I say?  What is she doing?  Is she even looking at herself?           

                                         Its at the point now where she isnt going to change. She is going to all ways care more for her neurosis then her own kids or any body else for that matter. Ive gotten her to a just for me a little bit but I have to accept the fact that she isnt going to change. Same thing for my sister.  The two of them have lived together for the past 20 years I think.  Co-dependant on one another, enablers to one another.  I have been independant since High school , fending my own way so its no wonder having to all of a sudden deal with these two one on one has been an ordeal.

                          They do weird things that dont make sense all the time, and lie.  I blocked my sister from my face book page last night.  I had no choice.   I need my privacy with out guilt,  so I just did it.  Ill still talk to her,  but if im going to make it through these intial stages of being around them ,  I have got to make it clear what my boundaries are.

                        What I can deal with and what I cant deal with, and if I cant deal with it then I will remove myself.   I dont care what they do, as long as I have two working legs to walk away then that's what will happen. 


                     But yes,  with my mother its like a type of neurosis.  It's bizzare. My sister has been very controlling outwardly,  and my mother, its like she uses the dogs as a means of passive agressiveness. Its controlling too.  As long as the dogs are doing it, she doesnt have to take any real resp. onsibility.  Its almost hostile in a way. Last night it rained, and there are 3 dogs here taking up half the house, something I was NOT told about until it was too late. The Mayflower truck was coming. 

                     When it rains the dogs will not go out the dog door(outside) to do their business. Do you think I was told about this?  of course not!   I had a very un fun job this morning. I shouldnt have done it actually,  but I did.  I told my mother about it and found out about how they wont go out.  In my head a beacon pops up:  :"Problem!,must be solved"

   I didnt get any solutions from her so I said,  ok,   the next time it rains,  Im going to make sure I put them out on the porch, (there are 2 dog doors)  this way they would be closer to going outside and away from the kitchen and family room,  at least if there is a mess it will be contained outside the house.  The look on my mothers face. I cant describe it. It was like , oh my god... .they cant be left out on the porch! that would be  just too horrible... .

                                                                                              Im learning and teaching myself to just let this stuff go and do what I have to do... .why?  because I LIVE HERE!      

[coldNheartless]

Dear goingtostopthis,

       GASP, what it we are sisters and our mother is the same person. scary isnt it?

     BPDmom's are so cookie cutter, you'd think they could just read a book on BPD and stop. To them, the book doesn't even exist. They can't even see it, just like their own behaviors.

Sounds like you are getting out. Its good to set vocal boundaries and then get up and walk away when they are crossed. BPD's love the attention of an argument, they simply bask in it. I can totally feel how you and your brother could be furious at different times. Its F-ing infuriating! I try not to get to worked up but there are times when I just boil and feel red hot. I had to get away from it, its hard enough to manage feelings of anger without a BPD poking you and acting like she's so cute and loving to her pack of miscreant dogs (oops there I go!)

Anyway, all my mom's company is fit for is stray dogs anywho, so I m glad she isn't totally alone! Gawsh now im just plain mean.

[coldNheartless]

Thanks for sharing goingtostopthis. l think you will be a success in stopping it in your life at least!

Cheers

[goingtostopthis]

Thanks for sharing goingtostopthis. l think you will be a success in stopping it in your life at least!

Cheers

    No Problem...      I hope so.  I had an epiphany last night.  To just be super nice and accepting to both my mom and sister even though  in the back of my mind I think theyre kind of nuts.  Ive really been stuck on this pocessionary thing going on with my sister and it's been making me really depressed.  Im having a hard time finishing my unpacking.  I do a little and then I just dont feel like doing it anymore. I think its because I still dont feel like this place is my home, even though logically this farm belongs to me too. Its like I dont feel safe or free is the better word. I feel like my sister thinks this whole place is hers even though she wouldnt come out and just say it.  I need to write my own post on this but Id like say that I have found that Im afraid of my sister now. I think maybe Im afraid of my own reaction to her.

                       I dont know if this relates to your problem with your mom, but yesterday I made myself be nice to my sister and I faked it the whole way. It was not easy.  I found the nicer I was(like geee she was never horendously abusive to me and the whole  thing never happened), the nicer I was the easier it was to get along with her. She seemed to put her own guard down a bit and we could talk and joke around a little.    Still,  I was glad when she finally decided to leave and go to her own home. 

                        I figure I have to work on being nice to her, (as if nothing has happened) in steps.  We have 3 retired horses here on one side of the pasture. They have access to the big barn.  The good barn with 8 stalls and a tack room. Also these horses are on the good side of the field where there are flat areas I could ride and a corral.

                         My horses are on the other side which is a slanted hill side, no place to ride, the barn is very old, but good for shelter, no tack room,  no  nothing but inconvience to a horse rider, not retired do nothing horses.

                   I want to put my mares on the other side plus an older 30 year old mare with them, and the two geldings which are huge and pushy together on the slanted side.   Geldings together, mares together.

                      I am so afraid to ask her.  I figure I have a better chance if I play nice, nice and be sure to show no signs of unhappiness with her. Which I found,  and this is the truth,  the more I acted like all was good with her, the easier it got to be around her and in many respects(not all)but in many respects things "did" go well with her.

We were actually getting along and working in a fence fixing project. It was like taking my ego,  and telling it, now you know I love you but youre going to have to take a back seat and just go take a nap for an hour or so,   it will be ok,  and when you wake up you can feel any feeling you want to feel ,  more or less,  you will always be you.   

                   So I did that.  We had a good afternoon, the problem was she stayed way too long.  She had to go sit with the dogs and watch Dog TV for about 2 hours.  She doesnt work with them and their manners.   Are you kidding?      I just wanted my privacy back.  I  had given all that I could for the day.    Finally she left and I met with my real self again and gave me a hug for doing good. 

                   This is just step one how ever... .I need more time before I pop the horse question.  The thing is I think Im just being intimidated.  I may just move the horses anyways,  just do it, as the tennis shoes go,but Im still waiting for the right time.  I guess Ill know.  Because says no,  I cant accept it and wont.  Common sense says my new arranging will be best for all the horses  involved.  The Geldings beat and bite the 30 year old mare and they are so big one kick could kill her.

So aside from that,  maybe a new tactic in dealing with your mother could help. Its helping me. Not solving everything right away but its been a good start.

[ropend]

Thanks for sharing goingtostopthis. l think you will be a success in stopping it in your life at least!

Cheers

    No Problem...      I hope so.  I had an epiphany last night.  To just be super nice and accepting to both my mom and sister even though  in the back of my mind I think theyre kind of nuts.  Ive really been stuck on this pocessionary thing going on with my sister and it's been making me really depressed.  Im having a hard time finishing my unpacking.  I do a little and then I just dont feel like doing it anymore. I think its because I still dont feel like this place is my home, even though logically this farm belongs to me too. Its like I dont feel safe or free is the better word. I feel like my sister thinks this whole place is hers even though she wouldnt come out and just say it.  I need to write my own post on this but Id like say that I have found that Im afraid of my sister now. I think maybe Im afraid of my own reaction to her.

                       I dont know if this relates to your problem with your mom, but yesterday I made myself be nice to my sister and I faked it the whole way. It was not easy.  I found the nicer I was(like geee she was never horendously abusive to me and the whole  thing never happened), the nicer I was the easier it was to get along with her. She seemed to put her own guard down a bit and we could talk and joke around a little.    Still,  I was glad when she finally decided to leave and go to her own home. 

                        I figure I have to work on being nice to her, (as if nothing has happened) in steps.  We have 3 retired horses here on one side of the pasture. They have access to the big barn.  The good barn with 8 stalls and a tack room. Also these horses are on the good side of the field where there are flat areas I could ride and a corral.

                         My horses are on the other side which is a slanted hill side, no place to ride, the barn is very old, but good for shelter, no tack room,  no  nothing but inconvience to a horse rider, not retired do nothing horses.

                   I want to put my mares on the other side plus an older 30 year old mare with them, and the two geldings which are huge and pushy together on the slanted side.   Geldings together, mares together.

                      I am so afraid to ask her.  I figure I have a better chance if I play nice, nice and be sure to show no signs of unhappiness with her. Which I found,  and this is the truth,  the more I acted like all was good with her, the easier it got to be around her and in many respects(not all)but in many respects things "did" go well with her.

We were actually getting along and working in a fence fixing project. It was like taking my ego,  and telling it, now you know I love you but youre going to have to take a back seat and just go take a nap for an hour or so,   it will be ok,  and when you wake up you can feel any feeling you want to feel ,  more or less,  you will always be you.   

                   So I did that.  We had a good afternoon, the problem was she stayed way too long.  She had to go sit with the dogs and watch Dog TV for about 2 hours.  She doesnt work with them and their manners.   Are you kidding?      I just wanted my privacy back.  I  had given all that I could for the day.    Finally she left and I met with my real self again and gave me a hug for doing good. 

                   This is just step one how ever... .I need more time before I pop the horse question.  The thing is I think Im just being intimidated.  I may just move the horses anyways,  just do it, as the tennis shoes go,but Im still waiting for the right time.  I guess Ill know.  Because says no,  I cant accept it and wont.  Common sense says my new arranging will be best for all the horses  involved.  The Geldings beat and bite the 30 year old mare and they are so big one kick could kill her.

So aside from that,  maybe a new tactic in dealing with your mother could help. Its helping me. Not solving everything right away but its been a good start.

Weddings are supposed to be a happy time.

I wouldn't invite anyone who I had to worry would bring me down an ounce on my special day.

[coldNheartless]

Dear ropend,

Don't worry, BPDm is not coming. I have 7 months and I already started the emotional homework and have made my choice. I am starting a new place in my life where crazy is no longer coming in. I have more than myself to be responsible for and I won't subject my lovely sweetheart to it. We are adults and I don't need my BPDmommy, as much as I would like the nicer side of my mom to come into my life, its just not going to happen. Mrs hyde is welcome but mrs Jekyll is not, and since they are one in the same by her choice, neither is invited to the wedding or my life!


Hi goingtostopthis,

Be careful, I am glad to hear you are trying different ways of coping. Certainly you will have to be crafty if you are going to share a home and a barn with your sis. I say be careful because BPD people sometimes go out hunting for conflict, they have a bad day or some little thing bothers her and BOOM, no matter how nice you have been and are being, they want to fight. I call it being out for blood. I don;t know how bad off your sister is, but Im sure the degree of the nutty will determine the workability for you.

I can't imagine sharing anything with BPDm, but I am hugely polarized. I have decided to (a long time ago) that I couldn't  expect or depend on my BPDm for anything and I had to make my own way in the world. It was a choice I made that help me take care of myself and have a stable life.

Moving is hard, I hope you can pick up steam and get your horses where you want them. That always makes me happy when the horses are taken care of, then you can proceed with yourself.

[goingtostopthis]

Dear ropend,

Don't worry, BPDm is not coming. I have 7 months and I already started the emotional homework and have made my choice. I am starting a new place in my life where crazy is no longer coming in. I have more than myself to be responsible for and I won't subject my lovely sweetheart to it. We are adults and I don't need my BPDmommy, as much as I would like the nicer side of my mom to come into my life, its just not going to happen. Mrs hyde is welcome but mrs Jekyll is not, and since they are one in the same by her choice, neither is invited to the wedding or my life!


Hi goingtostopthis,

Be careful, I am glad to hear you are trying different ways of coping. Certainly you will have to be crafty if you are going to share a home and a barn with your sis. I say be careful because BPD people sometimes go out hunting for conflict, they have a bad day or some little thing bothers her and BOOM, no matter how nice you have been and are being, they want to fight. I call it being out for blood. I don;t know how bad off your sister is, but Im sure the degree of the nutty will determine the workability for you.

I can't imagine sharing anything with BPDm, but I am hugely polarized. I have decided to (a long time ago) that I couldn't  expect or depend on my BPDm for anything and I had to make my own way in the world. It was a choice I made that help me take care of myself and have a stable life.

Moving is hard, I hope you can pick up steam and get your horses where you want them. That always makes me happy when the horses are taken care of, then you can proceed with yourself.

Ya... .I just wish for one day she would not feel so compelled to all ways come over here.

Its make me anxious. 

[Coral]

WOW. My BPD sib hoards dogs (10 kept indoors & not house broken) tiny pigs. (4 in the house) and 7 indoor goats. 

[ropend]

Dear ropend,

Don't worry, BPDm is not coming. I have 7 months and I already started the emotional homework and have made my choice. I am starting a new place in my life where crazy is no longer coming in. I have more than myself to be responsible for and I won't subject my lovely sweetheart to it. We are adults and I don't need my BPDmommy, as much as I would like the nicer side of my mom to come into my life, its just not going to happen. Mrs hyde is welcome but mrs Jekyll is not, and since they are one in the same by her choice, neither is invited to the wedding or my life!... .

I hate to recommend that more than you can imagine.

Having said it I realize I likely shouldn't invite my BPD sibling to mine some day.